View Full Version : What has formed me to be this way ?
Excuse what is probably going to a rambling post… I have so many thoughts flitting thru my head and I can’t seem to capture one to examine it if that makes sense. Just wondering what has shaped me to be this way ? I have discussed on a previous friend I had a friend that died suddenly when I was 18 but could one singular event from 15 years ago have changed my personality so dramatically ? Or was it the catalyst for what was going to happen to me ? Has my childhood shaped me ? Whilst I wouldn’t consider myself the victim of abuse at all, when you exchange stories of ur childhood with friends my friends always end up horrified when me and my sister recount some what we thought where amusing tales… one such as my sister being 4 years of age and being sat on kitchen counter getting her fringe trimmed and then flinching when mum accidently nicked her eyelid and then getting slapped off the side onto the floor.. for us we laugh about it now… our mum was rather lazy in some ways although she had 5 of us and she fought my dad tooth and nail for her 3 eldest (younger 2 are my stepdads) so she must of loved us ! Anyway her laziness was also offset by infrequent bouts of unpredictable violence when she would just explode. I feared my stepfather much more. He didn’t really hit us but he would punish us by taking away things, screaming in our faces and all manner of unpleasant crap (he was ex special forces) as an adult I realise mum had just met him when he left and he was probably traumatised and in no fit state to rear children that where probably already damaged from seeing their dad drunk a lot and their mum attacking him and us all sleeping in bathtubs so he wouldn’t stagger into rooms and disturb us (or steal her money to keep drinking) Turns out the stepfather was also a binge alcoholic what joy. To be fair he was rather pleasant generally drunk could always manage to weedle a pound out of him… he would occasionally turn however. He head butted me once on holiday and my mum flew at him and clawed his face to shreds. She made me sleep in bed with her and he crawled up the bed towards me and she booted him in face and he broke his face off the chest of drawers. He didn’t remember how he did it next morning (thankfully) and mum berated him for falling over drunk and he swallowed it 🤣 it’s the only time I remember her defending me. My relationship with him was appalling I remember begging her to defend me as he seemed to have a bee in his bonnet about me. She just generally remained silent or tried to deflect his attention. He would tower over me and roar and tried to make me repeat my full name and that I was useless… I was always proud even as a child and refused to repeat it he couldn’t take the disobedience I think. I remember I used to spend a lot of time behind a chest of drawers reading as I felt quite isolated from my parents and didn’t want to sit in living room with them as I felt uncomfortable. I never felt like I belonged. I think the where bitter towards me because I obsessively loved my father who quite frankly I see now in the throes of his addiction gave my mum a dogs life. Once she divorced him she wouldn’t let us go there when he was drunk (quite rightfully) so she did try to shelter us from his sickness. I witnessed the full horror of it when I was about 15 and living with him full time. It was horrendous. He’s a binge alcoholic so he hallucinates really badly and I just didn’t recognise him as my father. My dad is a sweet Scottish man with a pleasant soft voice and blue eyes and this man whilst not physically intimidating was absolutely terrifying like he was being possessed. Thankfully he has been sober since that time. I think he deserves so much credit for that. I love my dad he has done everything he can for me. He always insists my mum wasn’t like this when he met her and he can’t understand where it all went wrong. I’m rambling badly now. I just can’t settle thinking do I need therapy ? There’s a lot worse then that out there isn’t there? I don’t look back and cry. Sometimes Iv felt sad for the lonely isolated child I was but that is pure self pity which I have a tendency to wallow in unless I catch what I’m doing and shake it off. Anyway the original point of the post is what has caused mental health issues like ocd, health anxiety ? I’m pretty sure mum had depression or some kind of personality disorder, my dad had to go to psychiatrist hospital for his alcohol dry outs and then stay there for a few months dealing with his mental health stuff, my eldest brother has paranoid schizophrenia… am I just prone to be a little crazy ? Was it all forming from childhood and then friends death the straw that broke the camels back ? Was it the weed ? The cocaine ? I feel like I need to know and I don’t know why.
I have discussed on a previous friend I had a friend that died suddenly when I was 18 but could one singular event from 15 years ago have changed my personality so dramatically ?
A singular event -such as the death of your friend - can absolutely trigger health anxiety. Death forces us to face our own mortality and that generally means fear and fear means physical symptoms and physical symptoms lead to health anxiety..
Has my childhood shaped me ?
Yes.
Whilst I wouldn’t consider myself the victim of abuse at all
Whie you might not consider yourself as a 'victim', if what you've written is true, then your childhood was an abusive one, and abuse generally leads to MH disorders.
Sometimes Iv felt sad for the lonely isolated child I was but that is pure self pity which I have a tendency to wallow in unless I catch what I’m doing and shake it off.
Sar, it's ok to look back and feel sorry for the younger version of yourself. You were a vulnerable kid. It's ok to have those emotions. You can't change your past or the way you were treated by those who were supposed to keep you safe and show you love. You can't change any of that. Drugs (alcohol in my case) only blurs the memories for a short while, but you can use the past to make you a stronger person today.
You don't have to be defined by the actions of others. You had no control over what they did to you, but you do get to control what you do now. It's helpful to understand why we develop these MH issues, but understanding isn't always necessary. (The most important thing we need is determination).
Anyway the original point of the post is what has caused mental health issues like ocd, health anxiety ? I’m pretty sure mum had depression or some kind of personality disorder, my dad had to go to psychiatrist hospital for his alcohol dry outs and then stay there for a few months dealing with his mental health stuff, my eldest brother has paranoid schizophrenia… am I just prone to be a little crazy ?
Some people are more prone to developing MH disorders, yes. Genetics can play a part, but it is the environment we grow up in and our life experiences that determine whether we develop a MH disorder or not.
Was it all forming from childhood and then friends death the straw that broke the camels back ? Was it the weed ? The cocaine ? I feel like I need to know and I don’t know why.
You have a lot going on here, Sar. An abusive childhood lays the foundation for MH issues. The death of your friend at such a young age is the most likely trigger for your health anxiety. Taking drugs and alcohol leads us further into MH descent because they blot out or blur the memories/thoughts for a short time and we get brief respite, but then the thoughts come back with a vengeance - alongside some unpleasant physical symptoms.
Also, we tend to make some very poor choices when influenced by drugs and alcohol. (And we don't get to hold other people responsible for our actions).
Bottom line: shit happens, and people can be epically shit to other human beings. My compassion and sympathy for you are a given. However, I don't know about you, but I refuse to allow abusive people who ruined my life once to ruin my present and future. If I allow this, it's down to me, not them.
Do the therapy. Work through your past. Forgive your parents if it helps. (Though you don't have to).
Try to see your parents as the flawed human beings that they are (as we all are) and not just your parents. See them as the children they once were. What was their story, Sar? How did they come to have their issues? Were they abused too? (Abuse can never be excused but it can be understood, right).
Ultimately, no matter what happens to us, we get to choose our own response - even if that response comes decades later.
I had a pretty traumatic childhood and I believe it shaped my responses to situations/things throughout my adult life. I've had therapy where I've talked about my past, which was helpful at the time, and I'm currently having different therapy which is more about accepting how I feel and understanding that sometimes I automatically respond to situations now in a way that was a way to get through what I was going through as a child, but isn't a constructive way of coping now. In a way it's about accepting where the feelings come from and trying to move forward with more awareness and self compassion. Hope that makes sense.
It's a long hard road but worth travelling.
ankietyjoe
29-11-22, 08:58
The TLDR answer is that you have experienced significant childhood abuse and trauma, and that can stay with you for life. The 'icing on the cake' is the trauma of your friends death at a very young age.
To a much lesser degree, I had a marginally abusive Mother, but nothing like what you are describing. This created a teenager (me) that was extremely aggressive and blunt, to the point. That's fine as a teen, but the older I got the more that inner rage turned into anxiety.
So yes, experiences as a child absolutely shape your outlook and behaviour as an adult.
On top of THAT, weed and cocaine (both of which had a part in my life) can place significant physical and mental strain on you, further exacerbating the likelihood of anxiety in one form or another.
That being said, this isn't a life sentence. Your experiences will always be with you, but I would say the first port of call is to get yourself into a CBT program to start to try and challenge those baked in automatic thoughts that your life has provided you.
I'm sorry to hear what you've been through, but it can get better.
Sar, my brain's not working today but I just wanted to say that I empathise, and I care.
My parents were emotionally abusive, and to an extent I still live in their shadow, but only to an extent. Every day, I grow a little and so do you.
Hi guys I don’t know how to highlight bloody stuff to reply like Nora does so I will just reply to you all… don’t know what was wrong with me last night I sometimes have that where thoughtd fly around my head like flashes and I see them but can’t seem to catch them to examine them long enough so I suppose that’s why I write them down. As sometimes they feel important but I can’t hold them long enough. I sometimes think I have a personality disorder myself… a histrionic one… I think I am an attention seeker and I can be very manipulative in my real life ( not on here… here I am completely open and honest) but in real life I do have a tendency to exploit situations to my own advantage a sort of look after number 1 mentality. I have also tried on personalities like coats throughout my life never seeming to find any of them the right fit ? Sometimes I still wonder is my personality fraudulent and I really who I portray myself ? On the plus side I am aware of it now and try to check myself. Nora I love your replies they are always so well thought out and you take the time to address the points you come across one by one so I appreciate that about you. Everything Iv written is true and factual however it’s not all woe is me there where good points. They got me a dog once a shiny black lab named Ben he was a good boy, all for me ! They had obviously put some thought in it as I was a crazy animal lover.He went for my stepdad one day when he was towering over me during an argument so they got rid of him (sent him back to dog home) I was very, very upset but I suppose I understand the reasoning. Genuinely broke my 12yr old heart though. I digress however. I forgive my mother I look at her now and can’t believe she could even be that violent she’s tiny ! Like 4,11 I don’t know if she shrank or she was always that small. She was adopted and always spent her childhood and her adult life wondering why she had been rejected. She found her birth mother and she was a dirty old ho from Rochdale. My mum got the better end of the deal with my nanny Alice but suppose she always felt of sense of displacement ? She’s very entitled my mother. She was angry when she realised my nan had left her house to be split between her 5 grandchildren as she felt she deserved it. Didn’t matter anyway when I sold it at auction after her blocking me for years turned out mum hadn’t been paying for her care at the home so the council took most of the money from us and we only ended up with 3k each 🤣 she emptied our childhood savings accounts from my nan when I questioned her on it a few months ago she got very defensive and said she needed it to keep a roof over our heads and we went on holiday ect. She had power of attorney over nans stuff as she had Alzheimer’s and absolutely rinsed her money where she could. She is very financially irresponsible she has bought houses in Spain remortgaged her own home and lost it all from simple negligence. Stepfather is the same always comes up with hairbrained Del Boy schemes and loses everything. Pair of buggers. Still don’t hate either of them. With my Stepdad if I’m totally honestly I actually feel a sense of superiority over him. I’m aware he is wary of me and I’m aware he thinks I’m an attractive woman now I think he worries about what I think of him! And he’s right to.. he is pathetic. My father lost his mother at a very young age (12) and he was brought up in Glasgow he became a drinker at a very young age I think a lot of his cousins did. He hallucinated about his mum when he was drunk that he could hear her saying come away with me Joe. That made me sad I know he still misses her to this day and he’s 70. He is a GOOD man. He’s kind, caring and always tries to do the right thing by everyone. However he is a perfectionist and tends to be overly critical of himself and others. He’s highly intelligent and becomes frustrated easily by others shortcomings. Makes him abit of a nag but we are who we are. Catkins, what kind of therapy do you have? I can’t bear another round of cbt i personally find it crap. Im waiting for an appointment with a psychiatrist. Think my doctor has had enough of me 🤣 I think I do accept where things come from with me sort of but I hold on to some kind of childish of sense of it’s not fair ! Which at the age of 33 I need to let go of as life is indeed not fair. I can only live mine in a hopefully better way ! It’s funny people always says they miss their childhood … not me! Despite all the anxiety being an adult is the best days of ur life. I love having the ability to refuse to do things and the means to do everything myself. Hi Joe, that’s my dads name Joe it’s a nice name ! I to was aggressive as a child. I wasn’t blunt however I told constant lies as a child (not sure why) well actually I think it was to avoid punishments ect and I carried it on when I wasn’t even around them some of my lies where deffo for attention though I think ? But I would have random huge explosions of physical aggression where I would attack school friends ect but usually because I had been pushed around and taunted instead of making clear boundaries I would take it and take it then absolutely explode like the hulk. That’s something I have carried into adult life. It’s made me look unreasonable in the past as I haven’t set boundaries with people so they probably aren’t aware they are pushing me and then if exploded on them for a seemingly minor misdemeanour. I haven’t done it for quite a few years though so i have probably grown out of it thankfully. I haven’t touched weed or cocaine for years ! Probably since birth of my 12 year old can’t say it’s because I had become a responsible parent it was hecause both started triggering monster panic attacks. I think I might of frazzled my teenage mind with it. I have an addictive personality so once I find something I enjoy I can’t leave it alone which I didn’t for a few years with drugs. Until I physically couldn’t take them anymore. Which is a good thing actually. I’m waiting to see a psychiatrist u seen one when I was around 19 I was diagnosed with health anxiety and ocd but I do question if I have a personality disorder. So I guess I will see what the next one says. I have had several rounds of cbt it doesn’t seem to work for me ? Unless I’m not putting the right amount of effort into it. Hey blue! Sorry to hear about ur shit parents. Some people shouldn’t breed. (A lot of people actually) I don’t know if I live in their shadow as to be honest I do feel a superiority complex towards mum and stepdad. I don’t know towards my mum though. It freaks me out cos my dad says I’m a lot like my mum !!!! It takes my breath away but he always clarifies the woman he met not the woman she became but it makes me wary I could end up like her. As I have a tendency towards bitterness and manipulation like her. Although I like to think I’m not as emotionally cold. I’m not a hugger I find it uncomfortable really unless it’s my children. No one in my family hugs it’s weird. I do try and tell my children I love them all the time and praise them. I think Iv spoilt the eldest though she just rolls her eyes at me and gives me the cold shoulder… I know it’s her age so I bite my tongue and swallow my natural urges to aggression. My youngest though every loving urge in my body is showered on him as he allows it still x
I hope you don't have to wait too long or your psych assessment, Sar. Hopefully your area has a decent MH service and more than one psychiatrist on the community team.
I don't think you should speculate too much on any possible diagnosis or potential therapy..CBT is certainly not the only option once you pass beyond primary care and it's not suitable or appropriate for everyone. As you have found out..It's not even considered for my 2 now. You gave it your best shot and now it's time for a new approach?
Maybe you could write everything down that you think is relevant and take it with you to the assessment so that all issues get covered? So that nothing important gets missed in the limited time of the appointment?
Sar, my current therapist is person-centred and does a lot of work with mindfulness and self compassion. Which to be honest seems to be working well for me right now. I did see a psychotherapist for a long while and went through all the crap, which did help, but a slightly different approach that doesn't involve over-analysing everything seems to be right for me right now. Acknowledging how I'm feeling, accepting it and trying to deal with things in a slightly different way and not falling down the same old emotional potholes is helping.
I hope you don't have to wait too long or your psych assessment, Sar. Hopefully your area has a decent MH service and more than one psychiatrist on the community team.
I don't think you should speculate too much on any possible diagnosis or potential therapy..CBT is certainly not the only option once you pass beyond primary care and it's not suitable or appropriate for everyone. As you have found out..It's not even considered for my 2 now. You gave it your best shot and now it's time for a new approach?
Maybe you could write everything down that you think is relevant and take it with you to the assessment so that all issues get covered? So that nothing important gets missed in the limited time of the appointment?
Oh I think Iv managed to highlight ur message Pul ! Well she referred me about 6 weeks ago I think it was still haven’t heard a sausage so guess it just a waiting game. I know I shouldn’t speculate really but I just get the deep feeling that something is wrong with me… I suppose it’s like my health anxiety but I feel like something is mentally ‘off’ with me beyond anxiety. Like sometimes I have conversations with friends and I just don’t feel empathy towards them or even see where they are coming from so I pretend I do as I’m aware it’s socially appropriate to do so not to mention the much kinder thing to do. Yes it probably is time for no approach’s I have lost patience with cbt although my patience is notoriously thin 😵*💫 I’m the type of person who wants everything now, if it flits in my head I want it done this instant and if it isn’t done I get really down about it or lose interest (or plot devious ways to get it done) this is where I become really aware of how manipulative I can be if I want tasks doing that I cannot do myself. I do sit there later on and think wow what is wrong with you Sarah. Like I will lay guilt trips on my dad my partner my siblings ect to get what I want doing done. I’m aware it’s wrong but it tends to be when I reflect on it. I’m terrified of turning into a carbon copy of my mum. I just don’t know what information is relevant to psychiatrist to write down. I don’t want to write a whole list of what will look like trauma dump. It’s been so many years since I seen one I can’t even remember what happened. I just know I was diagnosed with health anxiety and ocd… I’m not sure I agree I have ocd. I haven’t done rituals for years. I have gone through thepeadophile/future murderer/poisoning someone fears and the I’m going to die in my sleep and my child will die with me unless I do xyz ect but that hasn’t happened for a long time! So I don’t know if that can even quantify as ocd. I used to write diaries but only when I felt mentally bad I found them a few years back and quite frankly they where read like the ranting of a lunatic. I couldn’t believe how nuts I sounded. I’m wary of sounding nuts now as I’m aware that people know I have children to care for and one of them being disabled at that and I don’t want judgement or people to fear I’m not capable of caring for them x
No one here or in authority would think that, Sar xx
Masking is exhausting especially on a long term basis. Maybe you should mention the empathy aspect and the difficulty in putting yourself in someone else's position? The fact that it doesn't come naturally to you? The meltdowns? Difficulty regulating your emotions? Anything aside from the HA?
Sar, my current therapist is person-centred and does a lot of work with mindfulness and self compassion. Which to be honest seems to be working well for me right now. I did see a psychotherapist for a long while and went through all the crap, which did help, but a slightly different approach that doesn't involve over-analysing everything seems to be right for me right now. Acknowledging how I'm feeling, accepting it and trying to deal with things in a slightly different way and not falling down the same old emotional potholes is helping.
How long did it take you to get to the state of not falling down the emotional potholes catkins ? Is it a lifelong commitment would you say ? Or can we be ‘fixed’ was you referred by your doctor for this ? Is it nhs therapy x
No one here or in authority would think that, Sar xx
Masking is exhausting especially on a long term basis. Maybe you should mention the empathy aspect and the difficulty in putting yourself in someone else's position? The fact that it doesn't come naturally to you? The meltdowns? Difficulty regulating your emotions? Anything aside from the HA?
I have wondered if I’m autistic 🤣 but then I don’t think I am also. I don’t know what it feels like to be autistic if that makes sense. I just know all the autistic people in my family I’m not like them.absolutely no speech delays or any delays with me as a child. The only thing I remember is I was a terrible bed wetter which caused me to get into all kinds of trouble as a little girl with mum and her partner and I had an absolute block on reading for some reason and then this angel teacher called mrs McMillan took me and taught me and it just clicked and i became a voracious reader. I loved losing myself into stories of places far away and adventures I dreamed one day I would do. I have always been a daydreamer and this fed my wild imagination! I am very outgoing really and don’t mind peopling (for want of a better word l) I do tend to get bone deep exhaustion after a busy day of people but I think that’s normal? I am quite happy in my own company also… that’s something I’m glad of as I have pals who get into cycles of relationships for fear of being alone left on the shelf ect the concept is bizarre to me. I will mention it to psychiatrist and see what they say. How are you anyway? How are the kids ? (I know they are adults but you know what I mean) x
So you used daydreaming for escapism?
I'm not "diagnosing" you..but just think that the autistic diagnoses in your family should be mentioned. Also the addiction issues. Maybe the HA/OCD diagnosis needs to be reassessed in view of how you are presenting/feeling now?
My 2 are pretty complex and complete opposites in some aspects but very similar in others..It's a mental minefield xx
How long did it take you to get to the state of not falling down the emotional potholes catkins ? Is it a lifelong commitment would you say ? Or can we be ‘fixed’ was you referred by your doctor for this ? Is it nhs therapy x
It's private, the therapist was recommended by a friend. For me I think it's a lifelong commitment and I'm still working on not falling down emotional potholes. Personally, I am not expecting to be cured, more accepting that this is part of me and I'm going to go through tough times but that it's OK and I can get through them and live a generally happy life.
I think you're a wonderful example of how to approach and manage emotional triggers, Catkins..and being content which is such a bonus in life.
ankietyjoe
30-11-22, 10:33
I have also tried on personalities like coats throughout my life never seeming to find any of them the right fit ?
This is very, very, very much a trauma reaction.
Given everything else you've said, I would push to get therapy via the GP, and specifically therapy for trauma. It's very different than 'normal' therapy.
WorryRaptor
30-11-22, 11:59
Hey Sar, it sounds like you have a A LOT to unpack. I'm sorry that you had experience all that you did in your life.
I don't really have much insight to add that hasn't already been said here, but I do agree that you should try to seek a therapist who can really do a deep dive. I'm not sure if the NHS provides this kind of therapy. I had to go private for much of mine when I was looking for answers that went beyond the surface level CBT and counselling stuff.
The problem is that many mental disorders can have a huge crossover of symptoms, and you need a professional to carefully pick through things with you. All of us here could throw out theories based on a checklist of symptoms you mention, but we could very well be wrong. For example, you've mentioned daydreaming a lot, and my brain immediately leaped to "Oh ADHD!" because that's what I have. In actual fact, daydreaming can also be a common feature in a huge range of anxiety disorders and mood disorders. Trying on different personalities can be caused by a multitude of things too. It could be a form of ptsd, avoidance, anxiety, or could even be masking due to another underlying cause. It's all about context, which a good therapist is trained to pick up on. They can also walk you through any revelations so that you can process them in a healthy way :)
I really do hope you can find some answers.:hugs:
Some really good advice from Raptor there, Sar...
You could go to 5 different psychiatrists and walk away with 5 different diagnoses based on their specialised interests. There is such a crossover of symptoms so you may need more than a "general" psychiatrist who is used to prescribing anti depressants and CBT as a standard package.
Hey guys thanks for the replies I really appreciate all the invaluable support me members of this forum have offered me over the years. I hope one day I can get to the stage where I can offer the same support to other members. Pulisa I will deffo mention it to psychiatrist when I eventually see them. I was discussing it with my elder brother today who is autistic he was diagnosed as an adult and said when he started reading about it that it was a lightbulb moment for him and that he realised this was him. I haven’t had such a lightbulb moment but I could definitely have traits like my obsessiveness, daydreaming lack of tolerance for 2 noises at same time. Such as a loud tv and people having conversations at the same time make me want to physically attack someone. My aggression issues I have suffered from. There are definitely a few things. I could be but then I could also have a personality disorder or something else xx catkins, sorry for personal question but could you give me a rough idea of how much I’m looking at to pay for a private therapist ? I would have to see if it was within my means. I don’t believe I can be cured of health anxiety, I gave up on that idea a long time ago. I would like to learn to live along side it and be able to regulate and control myself. It gives me hope that you are managing so well xx Joe, I still feel like that now. Like I’m not sure my personality is actually mine, it’s a strange thing to try and describe, I used to mimic peoples personalities who I admired or was intimidated by. I don’t think I purposefully did it but I would do it. It’s something I only become aware I was doing in my late twenties. I have chopped and changed who I am so much since I was about 14 never sure what felt like the right fit for me. What do I say to GP? I want to be referred to trauma therapy ? As they always give me this phone number to self refer to a cbt therapist or I have been given a direct referral to psychiatrists. I have to be fair never disclosed these things to GPS… always felt a bit much you know ? Xx Hey raptor, I’m sure there are people on here who have had plenty worse than me ! I’m probably rather sensitive. Trauma is very subjective I suppose what would upset one person wouldn’t upset another. That being said when I do tell close friends something that happened in childhood they are generally horrified but me and my siblings sometimes giggle about said incident. One example is all my siblings recount this time I pushed my stepdad down the stairs, he was screaming at me drunk at the top of the stairs and mocking me for crying and then telling me he could see in my eyes I hated him and to do something about it and I pushed him hard and he fell backwards and landed in a heap at the bottom…. What concerns me is I DO NOT REMEMBER this incident at all I just can’t apparently I was around 13/14. My sister remembers it vividly because he landed next to her as she was stood at bottom of stairs. My older brother tells me I ran away and he had to chase me down. It scares me I can’t remember something that should be pretty significant ? I was talking to my friend last night about incidents from very young. Particularly a humiliating bed wetting incident. I can remember it clear as day and was around 6 my heart was hammering and my palms where sweaty whilst telling her so why can’t I remember this huge incident. Really creeps me out. I hope I find some answers as I feel I’m at the age where I’m at cross roads now and want to choose to live my life in peace and serenity and it always seems to slip through my fingers this inner peace I crave. I have exhausted cbt it does not work for me. AD don’t work long term for me. I need to search new options xx
This is just what I would do in your position...based on my experience of NHS psychiatric services.
I would seek out a private psychiatrist who had extensive knowledge of the issues you fear you have. Someone who could give you time to explain your childhood history and everything you've been through including your response to trauma/mimicking other people's personalities. Getting the right diagnosis is so important. You're young and deserve a chance to be heard and understood.
This is just what I would do in your position...based on my experience of NHS psychiatric services.
I would seek out a private psychiatrist who had extensive knowledge of the issues you fear you have. Someone who could give you time to explain your childhood history and everything you've been through including your response to trauma/mimicking other people's personalities. Getting the right diagnosis is so important. You're young and deserve a chance to be heard and understood.
Hey, so Iv been doing some googling tonight and I was wondering do I need to see a psychiatrist or a psychologist? I didn’t realise there was a difference from what Iv read a psychiatrist is more about the medical side of things and a psychologist is more about the mind management sort of thing ? Like I want to make sure I’m seeking out the right thing if I’m going to be paying for it. X
This is very, very, very much a trauma reaction.
It's also very much a thing with autism.
The coat analogy that Sar uses was one that I used regularly up until my autism diagnosis.
I was discussing it with my elder brother today who is autistic he was diagnosed as an adult and said when he started reading about it that it was a lightbulb moment for him and that he realised this was him. I haven’t had such a lightbulb moment
Autism is overwhelmingly genetic. If your brother is autistic, then you could be, and then you have to look to your parents to find the autism link. (Usually one parent but sometimes both)
I have three children; two are autistic and one is being assessed for ADHD. (Link is from my mother's side).
Do you have children? (If so, are any of them autistic or have ADHD?)
If the answer to the above is yes, then the argument for autism with you becomes even stronger. It's worth looking into autism in more depth because the probability is that you won't be able to identify with your brother's experiences; reason being that males and females present differently and this is one reason why so many girls have flown under the radar with autism. (You need to be looking specifically at females and autism).
Your coat analogy is one I've used to describe my own 'changing personas' - which is also common with autistic females, rather than males. I did this until I was 47 - and to the point that I didn't know who I was anymore. My diagnosis (and a mental breakdown disabling my ability to mask) helped me to become myself again. (The coat finally fits).
Using a therapist who understands or specialises in autism can mean the difference between successful therapy, and unsuccessful therapy which wastes everybody's time. (My second lot of CBT worked because the therapist had a decent understanding of autism and was receptive to my needs being different to 'the norm).
When it comes to trauma, the fact that you describe events in such vivid detail and in such an emotive way suggests that you are incredibly affected by what happened to you. Also, you've appeared to block some things from your memory, and trauma will do that, so you need some help in working through these supressed memories in a controlled and safe way..
I get what you're saying about, 'There's always someone worse off than me', and you're right, there is, but that doesn't change the fact that you've suffered abuse and trauma, Sar, and that you've been damaged by it all. (Don't belittle your experiences or allow others to do so).
I don't know about peace and serenity, Sar. I think that's an unachievable goal for me and my brain, but I do finally like and accept myself for who I am, and there's a lot to be said for that, especially after four decades of hating myself, thanks to the way other people treated me. All we can do, with the time that we are given, is to work towards living as best a life as we can.
Sar, I pay £45 for an hour which I believe is pretty good, from what I'veheard on here. I think it might be a regional thing as I'm up in Cumbria.
https://www.healthcareers.nhs.uk/explore-roles/psychological-therapies/differences-between-psychology-psychiatry-and-psychotherapy
A psychiatrist would be able to assess and diagnose but you would need to choose someone with experience of female autism, BPD, ADHD and trauma. A "general" psychiatrist won't have these skills. You don't want to get labelled with a flawed diagnosis which will affect what therapy is considered best for you.
WorryRaptor
01-12-22, 12:49
As ADHD and Autism are very heritable, it's definitely a good idea to look there first if either are present in your family. The evaluations and assessments for both of those are very thorough if you find a professional who specialises in them. Also, if you do have either of these, how you process trauma in your life can be vastly different to somebody without ADHD or autism. Like Pulisa said, somebody with experience of a specific condition is important if you suspect a particular cause for how you're feeling.
And the lightbulb moments don't always happen the same way for everyone. Your experience is completely personal to you. For example, when I saw a big list of ADHD symptoms, almost every single one matched what I felt, but I didn't experience a lightbulb moment. I just went "huh, I have most of that,....nah, I'll just ignore it!". This happened time and time again. Friends even joked that I was "so ADHD". Family members were diagnosed with it too. It was like my life was full of neon signs with arrows pointing to to ADHD. When I was finally diagnosed years later, that's when it actually sunk in. For other people I know with ADHD, their moments came at different times through the whole process.
In my experience, it's about following the biggest breadcrumb first, and seeing where to go from there. Is there a particular condition you suspect?
And don't forget, if you feel like a therapist isn't really working with you, or listening to you, you are well within your rights to look for another one.
Hey guys replying to you all in one message again sorry I’m hopeless I know. My 12 year old would deffo be able to show me how to do this but don’t want her nosing at my conversation! So in regards to familial links with autism I have an elder brother with it. He has same dad different mum, I have one younger brother who has never been diagnosed but in my opinion deffo has it and quite obviously… he’s a quirky guy is the best way I can describe him. Absolute pain in the arse he is to be quite frank. My other younger brother has 3 children his 2 boys are on the pathway. One of them has spoke with a full on American accent since he developed speech he’s now 8 and still is Tommy from Tennessee as I call him. The younger one is a human wrecking wall 🤣now my 2 younger brothers have the same mum but different dad to me. My mother found her bio family and her nephew has autism (diagnosed) none other known family but she also doesn’t know her father. My dad is an only child and his parents are long dead so I only have him to go off. He isn’t autistic I suppose he could have traits, he is highly intelligent, tends to be obsessive when he gets into tasks, very irritable when things don’t go his way but that could also be just his personality, as most of you know my son is severely autistic. Nearly 6 in nappies, totally none verbal ect. I just don’t know if it’s all coincidental as none of my siblings with the autism stuff going on share a full set of parents. My 2 siblings who do have same set of parents are not autistic. Just both a pair of addicts in their own way. My sister smokes weed every day and drinks whenever she’s able. My older full sibling brother I think is really damaged from trauma. Just speculation on my part but he witnessed far to much at the very young age of dads drinking. He comes across as very cold, uncaring, flippant, rude just a general ****. To me he is sweet kind and loving but I know others don’t see that side of him. He’s also a big drinker he binges. He take cocaine also which worries me as he has a congenial heart condition. Just won’t listen to sense that man. Anyway Iv gone way off topic, I always do that. I just don’t know about autism. I do think I could have a personality disorder as I think some things fit. Like unstable relationships, I used to meet friends and be obsessed with them at first like a honeymoon period, one of my other friends would call them my flavour of the month. I have no trouble retaining friendships usually unless I dramatically upset them but I have made friends with questionable people who have ended up doing me badly and I have been blind to all their red flags, same with partners very quickly falling into what I thought was love only to be hurt or randomly go off them, the relationship I’m in now is my first long term relationship and I think our son holds us together plus he’s known me from being younger, my mad mood swings some days I can be full of erratic frantic energy only to then feel deeply exhausted and miserable, my obsessive ways, need for control in certain aspects, the telling lies to gain attention or make myself look ‘better’ or to avoid trouble. I’m not talking big life shattering lies but random ones. Which is odd as I’m also very rudely blunt aswell apparently. My sister is always apologising on my behalf because Iv upset someone. If someone asks me do they look ok for example I will tell them what I think but my sister says I critique them and make them feel awful. I have a friend and she has lovely blue eyes but she has really black circles under them, I asked her last week has she ever considered under eye filler as I think it would make them look so much better and then my sister rang me shouting at me. I hadn’t meant to upset our friend I just thought it would make her lovely eyes look so much nicer ? Iv upset all my friends at some point basically. They have always forgiven me and it’s sort of a running joke of our friendship group but then I think am I really like this or I have stole this aspect of my personality from someone else ! Whenever I deeply think about who I am I feel so confused. I’m 33 and still don’t know what I want to be when I grow up isn’t that stupid ? I can’t seem to hold jobs down, Iv never been sacked I just leave because I start calling in sick all the time because I just feel to tired to go, can’t be bothered or end up hating it. I’m just lost and I need to fix it. Catkins 45 is reasonable it surely shouldn’t be vastly different in Liverpool I wouldn’t of thought ? It’s in the northwest and I think considered a pretty deprived area. Im going to start researching them tomorrow in the hopes of an appointment in the next week or 2. I suppose I will never know unless I see a proper doctor. I am going to get the ball rolling it’s just something I need to do not just for myself but for the kids. It’s important I show myself as a kind, stable parent for my daughter I cringe to think of her thinking of me like I do my mum. When I shout at her for something I always worry she will remember it forever and hate me for it. As for my son I need to be patient and loving for him as he really does need me for everything. I hope I’m not like they Nora, I absolutely crave that feeling of serenity. I tend to get it when I’m in a nice quiet space doing what I want with no voices, tv, cats meowing, dog clicking his claws and wood floor. Just reading a book or something it’s blissful but sooo fleeting for me. I can never seem to hold on to it. Iv realised my life is pretty chaotic but I do not thrive in chaos. I hate the noises of a loud household, I hate arguments, conflict, debates, I hate being in hurry to here there and everywhere. Just causes me to feel anxious and irritable x
One of them has spoke with a full on American accent since he developed speech he’s now 8 and still is Tommy from Tennessee as I call him.
My son did this too. (And for a few years)
My mother found her bio family and her nephew has autism (diagnosed) none other known family but she also doesn’t know her father.
Nobody was diagnosed from my mother's family, but autism, back then, wasn't the spectrum it is now known to be. The 'eccentrics' on her side (including her) are (to me) obviously autistic going by what we know about autism today. (There's also a lot of MH issues)
as most of you know my son is severely autistic.
I do recall now. Sorry, my memory is shite these days (Thank you fibro)
My 2 siblings who do have same set of parents are not autistic.
I have two brothers. Both are NT.
He comes across as very cold, uncaring, flippant, rude just a general ****.
As do many autistic males.
I just don’t know about autism. I do think I could have a personality disorder as I think some things fit.
It's possible to have autism and a personality disorder. (And I don't know of any autistic who doesn't have several MH disorders)
Like unstable relationships, I used to meet friends and be obsessed with them at first like a honeymoon period, one of my other friends would call them my flavour of the month.
I have no trouble retaining friendships usually unless I dramatically upset them
Autistic people can (and do) have friends. Contrary to what most people think, some autistics like to be sociable. It's about what it takes to be social and to maintain a friendship and also initiating friendships etc. Historically, I went in BIG with people, to the point of fixation - just as you've described. And once someone betrays me, that's it. The friendship is dead for me and non-revivable.
I have made friends with questionable people who have ended up doing me badly and I have been blind to all their red flags, same with partners very quickly falling into what I thought was love only to be hurt or randomly go off them
Me too. Autistics, especially females, are highly vulnerable and often end up in abusive relationships/friendships. I have lost count of the dangerous situations I found myself in as a teenager. It honestly makes me feel sick to my stomach to think of what could have happened to me. By the grace of God (or sheer luck) I didn't come to any physical harm. Then I met somebody who I loved obsessively, and that person caused me physical, mental and emotional harm, though, like you, I was blind to those 'red flags'. (It's a similar story for many autistic females)
my mad mood swings some days I can be full of erratic frantic energy only to then feel deeply exhausted and miserable, my obsessive ways, need for control in certain aspects, the telling lies to gain attention or make myself look ‘better’ or to avoid trouble. I’m not talking big life shattering lies but random ones. Which is odd as I’m also very rudely blunt aswell apparently. My sister is always apologising on my behalf because Iv upset someone. If someone asks me do they look ok for example I will tell them what I think but my sister says I critique them and make them feel awful. I have a friend and she has lovely blue eyes but she has really black circles under them, I asked her last week has she ever considered under eye filler as I think it would make them look so much better and then my sister rang me shouting at me. I hadn’t meant to upset our friend I just thought it would make her lovely eyes look so much nicer ?
I've bolded the parts of this that scream autism to me. Aside the lying bit, you're also describing me. (However, my autistic son will lie to avoid trouble - something that I am working on with him).
I tend to get it when I’m in a nice quiet space doing what I want with no voices, tv, cats meowing, dog clicking his claws and wood floor.
Are you sensitive to those type of noises, Sar?
Do you have any other sensitivities/irritations, as in clothes etc?
Autistics are usually hyposensitive or hypersensitive. I'm hypersensitive which means that I'm generally highly stimulated and not in a good way, so I have to work towards trying to avoid my triggers. I use headphones or ear buds a lot for those aggravating little noises and I do have to remind myself to be mindful of the information I put into my brain..
Just reading a book or something it’s blissful but sooo fleeting for me. I can never seem to hold on to it.
Were you better able to hold onto it as a child? I was. In fact, I spent more time in my fantasy world than I did in this one (And with good reason, because reality - away from home - was horrendous)
Iv realised my life is pretty chaotic but I do not thrive in chaos. I hate the noises of a loud household, I hate arguments, conflict, debates, I hate being in hurry to here there and everywhere. Just causes me to feel anxious and irritable x
See, this could me me saying this. I abhor all these things, yet, they seem to be all around me, and I don't know what it feels like to function in anything other than a high - to severe state of anxiety (or depression) there's no midway with me.
Except debates, because I can bang on forever on subjects that I am passionate about. I can go on and on and on and on and on (And on). :yesyes:
Sar, I can't diagnose you. Nobody on here can. I can tell you that I get a distinct autistic vibe from you, but you need to see a professional who understands autism. For me, this means an adult autism assessment, preferably via the NHS, rather than privately. Too many women (and men) get a misdiagnosis. They are diagnosed with PDs or something like bipolar when it's actually autism. Or only the MH disorders are diagnosed. I'm autistic but I have several MH disorders, including OCD. As I said earlier, it's also possible to be autistic and have a PD. The importance of the correct diagnosis is not only that you understand who you are, but that you get the appropriate support.
There is a massive wait for an adult autism assessment in my area on the NHS but it does mean that you actually get a "gold standard " diagnosis. Fortunately there is much more knowledge now re female autism and all the issues my daughter had at an autistic school in the late nineties/noughties are now fully recognised. The teachers always apologise if they bump into either me or her now..and this was a school rated "outstanding" by OFSTED.
You really don't want a flawed diagnosis which you will carry with you through life. My own personal view is that you should see a psychiatrist who has significant experience in diagnosing female autism so that this can be ruled out if necessary .You've got the genetic link in the family after all..and you are in significant distress and need help from a professional who "gets it". You are also having to care for a very challenging little boy and this piles even more pressure on you.
Please forgive me if I've gone too far? You may not want a diagnosis of any sort and that's entirely your choice.
ankietyjoe
02-12-22, 09:33
The main difference between a psychologist and psychiatrist is that a psychiatrist can prescribe medication and a psychologist can't. Either can specialise in different aspects of mental health.
Hey guys sorry for late reply iv been at work and just generally tired. Hi Nora, so I have been reading your always very interesting reply. Do you feel some of what I say echos with you ? I haven’t had chance to research anything and won’t tonight but tomorrow night I’m going to. Maybe Google will give something meaningful for once rather than an aneurysm. As for noises when I gave examples of them noises I don’t find any of them super irritating on their own (apart from the cats meowing which just goes through me) my bigger one is a terrible talker when he wants something and the younger one copied so it’s like a siren symphony when they want feeding or attention. When the noises such as tv which is on in my opinion far to loud with the dog trotting around it makes my skin crawl and I want to scream. I cannot stand combined noises don’t know why but I cannot bear it. One sound though that I find abhorrent is a dripping tap, I will hear it from a mile away and it sounds louder and louder in my brain till it’s all I can hear. As for stuff I find irritating I have to say I find shoes pretty crap. I will wear sliders from April till around oct. Till it’s physically to cold to wear them. At home I just have bare or trainer socks on my feet. Also polo necks and things touching the front of my neck trigger me to gag. Which is stuff I’m sure is pretty normal. At home I’m pretty finicky with doors. I do think this is a hold on from my apparent ocd days. I cannot stand a door shut in my house unless it’s a cupboard door or the kitchen/my daughter bedroom or bathroom any other door I keep open at a certain angle. Especially my bedroom I can’t sleep with the angle of it wrong. Can’t sleep with open windows either doesn’t matter how hot it is. The family had a dreadful time during the heat wave because of me but I can’t do it. I just made the kids sleep with fans pointed at their heads all night 🤣 my life is like that Nora I abhor these things but I’m surrounded by them. I can also debate till the cows come home and I cannot stop myself if Iv decided something is right then that I just can’t leave it alone. Partners brother is a flat earther. He’s had to drag me out of the house because I can’t leave the argument to rest. I does trouble me when people don’t agree with me and I do find I feel the need to make people see what I’m saying and to agree I’m right. I think that’s where I can be quite controlling. People will explain their point of view and I will start with something like.. I understand what your saying but ect ect. That is a lie I do not understand what they are saying nor do I particularly care if I believe they are wrong. I do try and steamroll people and that’s something I do really need to work on. My friend had a white Xmas tree one year and it bothered me so much I couldn’t leave it alone. In hindsight I was rude and insulting about it. She doesn’t have one now I hope it’s not because of me. I’m going to ask her tomorrow. Hey Pul, I am 100% going to seek a private psychiatrist and also still have my nhs appointment (which will clearly be in 2023 🤣) I deffo don’t want a flawed diagnosis which would be absolutely pointless. You haven’t gone to far of course not… I would tell you if you had 🤣I have wondered it myself anyway like I said but I also don’t feel autistic some days I feel like borderline insane. Some days I feel so anxious I could attack someone as I’m in such high alert and I feel like my skin is crawling… you know how it is. The way I see it is it can’t hurt having it confirmed or ruled out would it x hey Joe thanks for clarification, so I’m assuming there is no difference in diagnosis skills ect ?
I think it would be a really positive move to be assessed by a psychiatrist who has the skills and expertise to either rule out or confirm female autism, Sar. My son certainly shares the frustration you feel when someone doesn't share his point of view and has no interest in trying to understand an alternative opinion. He needs to be seen as right too. It can get tricky!!
I hate chaos too and so does my daughter..My son's the complete opposite and needs to be micromanaged and prompted after having a major breakdown 3 years ago. Trauma can have such a devastating effect with autism. It opens such a can of horrible worms and understanding this is so important when it comes to treatment options xx
Hi Nora, so I have been reading your always very interesting reply. Do you feel some of what I say echos with you ?
Absolutely.
As for noises when I gave examples of them noises I don’t find any of them super irritating on their own (apart from the cats meowing which just goes through me) my bigger one is a terrible talker when he wants something and the younger one copied so it’s like a siren symphony when they want feeding or attention. When the noises such as tv which is on in my opinion far to loud with the dog trotting around it makes my skin crawl and I want to scream. I cannot stand combined noises don’t know why but I cannot bear it. One sound though that I find abhorrent is a dripping tap, I will hear it from a mile away and it sounds louder and louder in my brain till it’s all I can hear.
I have sensory issues (most autistic people do) and you're describing me. (I can also hear electricity and it drives me nuts - more so before I went deaf in one ear)
As for stuff I find irritating I have to say I find shoes pretty crap. I will wear sliders from April till around oct. Till it’s physically to cold to wear them. At home I just have bare or trainer socks on my feet. Also polo necks and things touching the front of my neck trigger me to gag.
Me again.
Which is stuff I’m sure is pretty normal.
Lots of people don't like to feel things around their neck. People struggle with ties for instance - but autism is the whole picture and there are combined difficulties which all autistics have, and they are with social interaction, social communication, and social imagination. Most people could say they have an autistic trait but that doesn't make them autistic. From the little you've written on here, you do appear to have issues in all three areas.
There are a lot of myths and misunderstandings about autism and some people think that having friends etc means that we can't be autistic, which is a load of rubbish. I have friends; my sons have friends. What I'm looking for when it comes to friendships and autism, is the ability to instigate and maintain a friendship and also what it takes to be a friend on a mental and emotional basis. For instance, do you need downtime after spending time with your friends? Or do you feel 'wired' and find it difficult to come down? Do you understand your friends, and they you? Can you be yourself or do you have to use a persona in order to 'fit in' around them? It's a lot more than just ticking the 'friend' box. Same for marriage (or any relationship), children, work, and every other aspect of life. It's not so much about what we've achieved, but what's it's taken to achieve and maintain these things. Do you see?
At home I’m pretty finicky with doors. I do think this is a hold on from my apparent ocd days. I cannot stand a door shut in my house unless it’s a cupboard door or the kitchen/my daughter bedroom or bathroom any other door I keep open at a certain angle. Especially my bedroom I can’t sleep with the angle of it wrong. Can’t sleep with open windows either doesn’t matter how hot it is. The family had a dreadful time during the heat wave because of me but I can’t do it. I just made the kids sleep with fans pointed at their heads all night 藍 my life is like that Nora I abhor these things but I’m surrounded by them.
This does sound like OCD, but, again, a lot of autistics have MH disorders like this, this is why we are so complex. (There are usually some overlaps)
I can also debate till the cows come home and I cannot stop myself if Iv decided something is right then that I just can’t leave it alone.
I think I've proved to people on here that, once I get my teeth into something, I'm like a pooch with a tug-toy. I can be incredibly argumentative when I think (or know) that I'm right about something.
I does trouble me when people don’t agree with me and I do find I feel the need to make people see what I’m saying and to agree I’m right. I think that’s where I can be quite controlling.
I suggest that it's not other people you're trying to control here, but yourself. (That's how I try and explain it to my husband anyway)
I really do get upset when people won't listen to me. If they prove me wrong, I'm ok with that because the truth is the truth, but if I'm right (and I know it) and they refuse to see it, then things can escalate, and with consequences to my MH because I can't 'let things go', like my NT husband can. And this does appear to be a thing with autism, so much so that the last time he said, 'why can't you just let things go!', I e-mailed him numerous links about why autistic people find it hard to 'let things go'.
My husband will even argue when I can prove him wrong and that drives me INSANE. :mad:
Example: there is a bike box painted on the main road in our town. One day he stopped on it at red lights. I said, 'You've stopped in a bike box'. He argued that there wasn't one. There was an argument because I absolutely knew there was one. (I even bet him £25, I was so sure). The next time we drove down the road, I showed him that it was there. Instead of saying, 'Oh yeah, you're right. Sorry! he said, "Well, they must have just painted it then". :mad: (It's been there for years). Things like this drive me INSANE, and things can get heated because I have a very strong sense of justice and my husband prefers to dig himself in deeper than admit to being wrong. He has a problem with being able to admit he's wrong and I have a problem in being able to let things go. Maybe you can imagine the problem here? :lac:
My friend had a white Xmas tree one year and it bothered me so much I couldn’t leave it alone. In hindsight I was rude and insulting about it.
When things are 'aesthetically alarming' to my eyeballs, my learned diplomacy can go out the window big time. I genuinely panic.
We put the Christmas tree up yesterday and that's usually a crap experience for all involved because my brain has to cope with two sets of lights, baubles and tree branches that have been squished for a year.:scared15:
One year, in a moment of insanity, I let the kids do the tree and I almost had a heart attack from the stress. (I got up at 3am to, erm, make some adjustments). :blush:
When I go, I go. The words just tumble out, and not always appropriate, or in the right order. I hear myself saying them and I'm hating myself, but it's like nothing short of a blow to the head will shut me up. Generally, I become too overwhelmed to speak and I shutdown (situational mutism) which means that this mind-shite has to come out further down the line and is usually triggered by something trivial - which makes my reaction totally out of proportion, and the person on the receiving end (usually my husband) is totally bewildered. There will be an e-mail, or a text sent from me explaining that it wasn't him leaving a towel on the bathroom floor that blew my brain, it was something that happened several weeks ago (maybe even months or years), but which is unresolved. As I said, this autistic doesn't have the ability to 'just let things go'. (I wish I did, believe me).
To me, your case for autism is a fairly strong one. However, autism - once diagnosed - is on your medical record for the rest of your life. Some people don't want 'the label', and that's their choice. Personally, I don't see autism as a label; I see it as the explanation for the way I am. (Also, it means I can get the appropriate support).
Maybe do some homework. Read some books on female autism and see if you can recognise yourself there?
Some book ideas for you.. (I have all of these)
Spectrum Women: Walking to the beat of autism.
Walking in Heels - Jennifer Cook O' Toole
Women From Another Planet -Jean Kearns Miller
Odd Girl Out - Laura James
Camouflage: The Hidden Lives of Autistic Women
I was an autism blogger for a few years and my story (I know) has been the catalyst for other women going for assessment and subsequently being diagnosed, and it's been a pleasure, and an honour, to see them embrace who they are and go on to help other women. The difference is that these women 'knew' they were autistic, just like I knew. We all had our lightbulb moments, and you - by your own admission, haven't. There can be a few reasons for this aside not being autistic. It can be about your perception of autism and not seeing it as the spectrum it is. Or seeing how people react negatively to your autistic child. It can be about how your family will react, or your friends. (The one thing I will say about this is that an autism diagnosis has a tendency to naturally sort out who is 'with us' and who isn't). It could also be because you are comparing yourself to your brother and your son. As I said, male autistics and females present differently, and your son sounds like he's an autistic with severe learning disabilities. That's not to say that the other end of the spectrum is where you will find the so-called 'mild autism' because there's no such thing. Nobody has 'mild' autism. It's other people's experience of us that's 'mild', and that's because many of us shut down. We're outwardly unable to express the utter chaos that's happening on the inside. It's an implosion, rather than an explosion. What you'll find are people with no learning disabilities (formally diagnosed as Asperger's), but they do have numerous MH disorders, possible PD's, and historic breakdowns which come from years of trying (and failing) to function in a world that they don't understand and being around people who abuse them. I do have a learning disability (Dyscalculia), but I met all my milestones early. I even skipped crawling and went straight to walking (according to my mum). I was an early reader, but maths has always been a foreign language to me..
Also, an autism diagnosis is life-changing, and most autistics struggle with change, even the positive ones.
Yes it certainly is life changing but it can also give you "permission" to be who you truly are as Nora has explained so wonderfully.
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