Childhood curiosity or abuse?

[Rhys1879SAFC]

You may have seen my post about 6 weeks ago about how my mind keeps replaying memories from the past that I’m ashamed of. Anyway this has gone up another level.

I was at work a few weeks back when another memory popped up of something that happened 20 years ago and which I’d long since forgotten.

Anyway, when we were 10 or 11 me and my cousin (also male, same age) found some porn at my auntie’s house and watched it. We ended up masturbating. I must stress that we never touched each other. This happened a few times from what I recall.

The sense of shame and embarrassment is tearing me apart. It’s all I can think about. I’ve even gone as far as messaging him this morning to apologise for my role in it. I haven’t seen him for four years.

I keep telling myself we were just curious kids but I’m worried now that it’s caused some kind of deep seated trauma and it’s why I’ve ended up like this.

Thoughts?

[ankietyjoe]

Not sure why you would class this as abuse.

There's nothing to be ashamed or embarrased about either.

[Rhys1879SAFC]

Not sure why you would class this as abuse.

There's nothing to be ashamed or embarrased about either.

Do you think I’m overreacting because I’m anxious? I must’ve surely thought about this at some point over the last 20 years but just not been bothered about it and got on with my day as I wasn’t suffering from anxiety at the time.

Now though it’s on my mind all day every day. I’m sick of it.

[ankietyjoe]

Do you think I’m overreacting because I’m anxious? I must’ve surely thought about this at some point over the last 20 years but just not been bothered about it and got on with my day as I wasn’t suffering from anxiety at the time.

Now though it’s on my mind all day every day. I’m sick of it.

Could be. Could also be you had a different sexual experience when you were older that your subconscious has connected with experiences when you were younger and connected dots that don't need to exist, or that you were made to feel ashamed of sex or masturbation at a later time, or none of the above. The subconscious has a knack of creating problems that don't exist based on several different, but 'somehow' linked experiences.

For example, every time I cut avocado, I think of a particular place from my past. I have literally no idea why, but it happens every single time.

Perhaps there's a touch of obsessive/OCD thought there too.

But fundamentally, what you're describing has nothing to do with abuse.

When I was about 12-13 years old I found myself in a situation where myself and my cousin (female, same age as me) were 'wrestling', and it soon became very apparent to both of us that we were not wrestling any more. Even more hilarously, there's a family picture 10 minutes later of us both looking quite sweaty and flustered, and we've joked about it ever since. It's just sexual feelings happening when you don't have any experience of them, and they are extremely powerful at that age. I will add that nothing happened with myself and my cousin other than 'wresting', but we both realised what was going on. Nothing abusive about that at all. Abuse requires one of the party to have power or control over the other.

[Catkins]

I think what happened was just normal experimental stuff and your anxious mind has latched onto it. I've done that with various things over the years.

[NoraB]

This is all normal stuff, Rhys, and I imagine that most people will have a 'story' (or two) from that age.

[Lencoboy]

I did similar things at the age of 10-11 (and younger), but generally on my own and with certain objects (which I won't name here).

I don't think I knew any better at the time, even though I don't think I ever came to any harm.

Having said that, childhood masturbation was still considered a bit of a taboo subject and rarely discussed back then, plus a lot of us did it in private and kept shtum about it.

Porn has never been a thing that's interested me though; it's always passed me by and gone over my head, even though I've never really been offended by it per se.

[Rhys1879SAFC]

Thank you all.

[Lencoboy]

Thank you all.

You're very welcome Rhys.

Just remember, you didn't do anything wrong and you didn't 'abuse' your cousin in any way, as you were both 'playing with yourselves' and not touching (nor perving over) each other, and incidentally 'turned on' by images you both innocuously discovered in a porn publication that must have absentmindedly been left lying around by your aunty or uncle, and I suppose you might still be feeling a bit of a sense of guilt over viewing something that's still generally considered inappropriate for persons under the age of 15 or possibly even 18, and the so-called 'daredevil'/'forbidden fruit' aspect of it.

[NoraB]

and incidentally 'turned on' by images you both innocuously discovered in a porn publication that must have absentmindedly been left lying around by your aunty or uncle, and I suppose you might still be feeling a bit of a sense of guilt over viewing something that's still generally considered inappropriate for persons under the age of 15 or possibly even 18, and the so-called 'daredevil'/'forbidden fruit' aspect of it.

I was about 12 when I found my dad's dirty mag stash. (I was rooting around for my Christmas presents). :whistles:

As soon as those hormones kick in, this shit happens. (And it's completely normal) :shrug:

Another year, (rooting for presents again) I found some saucy pics of my mother. (Pleaaaase bleeeeeeeach my eyeeeeeeeeees!) :scared11:

Let's just say, I never looked at our coffee table in the same way again. :scared15: :emot-puke:

[dmc1892]

You may have seen my post about 6 weeks ago about how my mind keeps replaying memories from the past that I’m ashamed of. Anyway this has gone up another level.

I was at work a few weeks back when another memory popped up of something that happened 20 years ago and which I’d long since forgotten.

Anyway, when we were 10 or 11 me and my cousin (also male, same age) found some porn at my auntie’s house and watched it. We ended up masturbating. I must stress that we never touched each other. This happened a few times from what I recall.

The sense of shame and embarrassment is tearing me apart. It’s all I can think about. I’ve even gone as far as messaging him this morning to apologise for my role in it. I haven’t seen him for four years.

I keep telling myself we were just curious kids but I’m worried now that it’s caused some kind of deep seated trauma and it’s why I’ve ended up like this.

Thoughts?

Young adolescents do things like this , it’s really nothing to get uptight about , and nothing to
Be ashamed of