Can't take all this anxiety anymore. Abnormal pap smear, small lump in breast etc

[Cutecat25]

I had my first pap smear and it came back saying I had hpv "other". My dr said its not the high risk kind and to get retested in a year.

On top of this I found a small lump in my breast during my period. I just had a clear breast ultrasound 5 months ago, but terrified that this lump could potentially be cancer. My breasts become hard and extra lumpy during my period but that has since gone down since I started bleeding, yet the lump remains.
I have to wait a week for an ultrasound meaning I will have the worry hanging over my head over Christmas.


The next thing that has continuoulsy been causing me anxiety all year is quite sensitive and involves the topic of abortion, so if you feel this may upset you please stop reading here.


I had an abortion as well earlier this year due to my severe anxiety. This abortion followed a miscarriage I had at the end of last year. I regret it every moment of every day and so badly wish I could have been strong enough to continue with the pregnancy.
Since the abortion and miscarriage my anxiety has increased to the point where it's at an unmanageable level.
My best friend just told me she's pregnant and said to me "I can't believe I'm pregnant before you!." Despite knowing all I went through with the miscarriage and severe anxiety that led to the abortion.
I know I'm an awful friend but I can't even bear to see her have what I chose to loose. On top of this she encouraged me to get the abortion so I feel slight anger that she encouraged me to make the choice I did, and is now living my dream. I know at the end of the day I made the choice and I don't blame anyone else but I'm just expressing how I feel. Please do not judge.
My anxiety was unbearable and in the moment I felt I had no other choice.
I hate myself for the choice I made and I will live with that regret for the rest of my life.

What can I do do get through this? The anxiety over my abnormal pap, breast lump and now my friend announcing her pregnancy is all so overwhelming.
I can't sleep eat or really function.

Would appreciate any advice and if you managed to read this far, thankyou.

[BlueIris]

What medical help are you currently getting for your anxiety? This seems like an enormous burden to be carrying all on your own.

[Cutecat25]

I'm seeing a pre natal psychiatrist and getting on meds in January. I'm also seeing an online counsellor occassionly. It's all just so hard 😪

[serith]

I agree that all of these emotions seem like a huge burden and I sincerely hope you have someone compassionate that you can turn to (maybe not that friend...) to help you through this. You shouldn't have to do it alone.

I'm so sorry this all happened to you, and (if this helps...) I can easily imagine myself doing the same things you did. The idea of having a little baby that's totally dependent on me would be terrifying beyond belief.

Also women have routinely eliminated pregnancies all throughout history, since the earliest dawn of time. It's a natural part of humanity. Not sure if that helps or not, but just wanted to give that perspective.

As for the lump in your breast, just do what anyone would do -- get it checked out just to make sure, but no point in adding worry. Don't even spend a second thinking about it, just do what makes sense, which is showing the doctor. There's nothing else you CAN do, so why bother worrying or thinking about it?
It seems very likely that it's just a lump left over from before your period-- just because "usually all lumps disappear when the period starts" doesn't mean that will ALWAYS happen no matter what. Bodies don't follow a rigid schedule, don't expect them to.

But still get it checked out just for your peace of mind.

[ErinKC]

I’m so so sorry for what you’ve been through. You made an incredibly difficult choice, but the one you had to make at that time. Your “friend” seems either completely clueless or outright cruel. I would avoid her. Keep working with the psychiatrist and counselor and please try to forgive yourself. You’re not a bad person. If you had a physical condition that made it dangerous or impossible for you to carry a baby an abortion would be seen as a reasonable medical decision. The same is true for mental health.

[Cutecat25]

Thankyou for your kind words ❤