Overwhelmed

[ErinKC]

I’m coming down from a rough anxiety period, mostly caused by having the flu and needing a root canal in the same week. I’ve been feeling better but today some random sharp pain radiating from my left side chest down my left arm on and off sparked it again.

I’m not typically a heart worrier. I had all this blood work for cardiac health done as part of my routine check up in the summer and although my cholesterol and a few inflammation markers were slightly above normal the risk of cardiac problems was very low.

However, I’ve lately been feeling very overwhelmed by the state of my health. Since the pandemic I’ve gained at least 30 pounds and I’ve lived an incredibly sedentary life. I have an umbilical hernia and I had a hysterectomy two years ago and have a very weak pelvic floor and can’t do any kind of weight training or even most yoga because of f the hernia. So, I really feel like my body is just broken and I’ll never be able to get back in shape. I want to start walking again - we recently got a treadmill. But today I’m feeling very doom and gloom about how much I’ve let my health go. I turn 40 in April. When I turned 30 I was in the best health of my life. I ran a 10 mile obstacle race (Tough Mudder) on my 30th birthday and I was 60 pounds less than I am now. I had a baby the following year and I’ve never bounced back. It’s so disheartening. For a while I did lose weight and exercise, but since I was diagnosed with the hernia in 2018 I’ve been afraid to exercise besides walking. I had the hernia repaired during my hysterectomy and I was back to walking and doing yoga when I recovered, but then it recurred. I’m not going to have another surgery for it - maybe ever, but definitely not while I’m so overweight and the risk of recurrence remains.

I just feel like I’m trapped in my defective body and that even if I do what I can some things are just beyond repair. I know I’m spiraling, but I’m just looking for some support.

My mom used to have a magnet on our fridge that said: I try to take one day at a time, but sometimes several days attack me at once. Right now all the days are attacking me while I imagine how long it will take me to get healthy again!!

[serith]

Why not start by long walks every day? Walking is one of the easiest and most pleasant forms of exercise, and it's gentle on your body while also being incredibly refreshing and good for you. Maybe if you get into that, you can work up to jogging or running again.

While I can well understand your feelings, you do seem to be stuck in a pessimistic mindset. Perhaps not getting exercise is one of the reasons for that-- exercise causes so many good chemicals to flow in your brain. Do realize that you're seeing all of this from a negative standpoint, and that negative standpoint can infect your life and becoming a self-fulfilling prophecy. In the grand scheme of things, you're not that unhealthy; you didn't mention anything that would prevent you from walking a lot or even running. Trust your body a little more, see all the things it can do rather than the things it can't do.

[ErinKC]

Thank you, serith. You’re right. I’ve been feeling very down about my body and health lately. My husband recently went back to the gym and is doing a lot of weight lifting and accomplishing all these goals and I’m so proud of him but also I think it reminded me of my limitations, which flooded into all the doom and gloom. I’m also coming off a very VERY stressful law school semester and am just so depleted. With work, and school, and my daughter, my health has been last on the list for a long time.

Also - You’re such a great voice on this forum, if I hadn’t already said that somewhere else! You really add a lot!

[ErinKC]

Now my husband is sick and I honestly don’t know how much more I have in me!! We haven’t had a break from illnesss in my house since August. And now it’s about to be Christmas. I can’t.

[glassgirlw]

Hey,Erin! I haven’t been on here in awhile, I’m so sorry you’ve hit a rough patch.

if I’ve learned anything in the last two years, it’s that looking at the big picture makes everything seem so daunting and irreparable. Pick one thing, just one - that you will start changing tomorrow. It can be anything at all. Do that for a couple days, then add another. It will not seem so overwhelming.

then - weight loss is 80% diet and 20% exercise. I’ve lost 165 lbs in the last 18 months, and I’ve only exercised about 4 of those months. I read a saying at the start of my lifestyle change-“you can’t outrun a bad diet”. It’s so true. If you can’t exercise, no big deal! Just pick one aspect of your diet that you want to change, and go from there. You can do this. I know it’s hard. Message me anytime!!

[ErinKC]

Glassgirl - that is AMAZING. Wow. Well done. And you’re so right about diet v. exercise. Life is so overwhelming sometimes but you’re right about taking small steps.

[ankietyjoe]

I completely, completely understand what you're experiencing right now. There have been periods in the last 3-4 years where I 'knew' I couldn't cope with what life was throwing at me any more, but it's those moments when you think you can't cope that you are actually coping.

The other advice here is good. Pick ONE thing you can do today, and focus on that. Weight loss IS predominantly diet too. I'd argue even more than 80%.

Walking is more than enough exercise for now, you don't even have to think about running again at this stage. Just getting outside and walking has so many benefits on top of the physical exercise.

Cholesterol is NOT a marker for heart disease. There is a lot of information about that now available on the internet. It's not something you need to worry about. Saturated fat is an essential nutrient (again, lots of very good information about that out there now).

Just eat whole foods. Avoid anyhting packaged or processed, especially in the USA. Those processed foods are the real cause of heart problems.

[serith]

Congrats on finishing your law school semester! That right there proves how capable you are... I've never finished a semester of law school. Or any post grad school. I flunked out several weeks into my first and only semester of grad school. (no regrets tho). :)

Still wondering what your "limitations" are exactly. Yes, you mentioned the hernia, which causes certain physical activities to not be so great for you, but,...? Seems like your attitude is the only real limitation. ;)

My uncle is a recent survivor of esophageal cancer, and at age 70 closed out several retirement accounts and took himself and his wife off to China with $100 to their name, survived a couple weeks in a Chinese hospital with fluid filling his abdomen for an unknown reason, bounced right back and emailed out all these pictures of him and his wife drinking and having a fantastic time in Beijing. Not saying he made great choices, but.... Just to put things in perspective...

Lighten up, embrace what you have and roll with it. You can't wait for things to be perfect to be happy. You do not have a defective body. You have a body that is doing 50 million things correctly right now to keep you alive.

[ErinKC]

Thanks, serith! When it comes to my academic and professional life I am, admittedly, killing it! I think part of my issue body-wise is that I've made it my absolutely last priority in the face of my other successes. But, you're right that if I was actually as weak and feeble as I something think I am physically I wouldn't be able to handle the other stuff. All the sickness circulating in my home is also just causing so much stress. But, I appreciate your words and advice so much and I am going to try to heed them! I have a really good attitude in every other regard besides my body/health. I've been through the wringer with that - I dealt with fibroids for many years - had a terrifying emergency surgery for one in 2011 and then they came back with a vengeance a few years ago. That's what caused the hernia and also caused chronic, terrible pain for 3 years before getting my hysterectomy last January. For so many years my body felt so vulnerable because of these giant tumors (I mean, truly giant - my uterus weighed 2.5 pounds - a normal one is about 2-3 ounces). I think I'm still trying to get back to feeling like I'm not about to fall apart. The hernia recurring was a set back for sure, but it doesn't bother me like it did when the fibroids were press on it, which I need to remember and appreciate!

[ErinKC]

Cholesterol is NOT a marker for heart disease. There is a lot of information about that now available on the internet. It's not something you need to worry about. Saturated fat is an essential nutrient (again, lots of very good information about that out there now).

Thanks, joe! I'm not as worried about the cholesterol - I had other tests done through this cardiac center that look for inflammation in the blood vessels. That was also slightly elevated. My doctor said that it's still within the realm of being reversed with changes to diet and exercise though. I'm going back for repeat tests in February and part of my stress is that I've not made any progress since my tests in August. But, even if I start now there's time to make improvements!

[ankietyjoe]

Thanks, joe! I'm not as worried about the cholesterol - I had other tests done through this cardiac center that look for inflammation in the blood vessels. That was also slightly elevated. My doctor said that it's still within the realm of being reversed with changes to diet and exercise though. I'm going back for repeat tests in February and part of my stress is that I've not made any progress since my tests in August. But, even if I start now there's time to make improvements!

Perhaps do some research on the carnivore diet. It's one of those 'are you mad' decisions on the face of it, but it seems to be particurly helpful for female hormones and chronic health issues. My partner had a triple prolapse operation last year, including a hysterectomy (at 39 years old) so the hormonal changes are familar to me.

I'm in the process of switching over to it right now (kind of switching between it and keto) and it's cleared up a facial rash I've had for several years. Clearly an auto-immune reaction.

Again, do NOT take advice from me, there's plenty of information about it out there now. I'm just saying 'look over there'. Anything I say is anecdotal, but I do know diet is (almost) everything in some cases. However, I have suffered from the 'defective body' syndrome for quite some time now and I do a huge amount of research on this kind of stuff. Again, doesn't make me right about it, but the current western dietary model/advice is absurd.

[Carnation]

It's an easy trap to fall in when we start worrying about our health and fitness, especially after a short illness.
That's a bit of depression that comes into play too.
And we look back at our younger years with a sigh on how we used to be. I've been there myself.
And fitness is not just for the body, it's for the mind too.
But like anything, jumping, rushing, doing too much is not always beneficial. And mostly simple things like walking, gardening and day to day moving about is just as beneficial to both our mind and body.
You can't see into the future and see yourself being the woman you were, so just be for now and you'll be surprised how you can regain fitness when you least expect it. A gentle walk can be so uplifting and good for the body. You don't need to lift weights are work up a sweat. Just move about and look to things that give you pleasure. Everything else will fall into place.

[NoraB]

I have an umbilical hernia and I had a hysterectomy two years ago and have a very weak pelvic floor and can’t do any kind of weight training or even most yoga because of f the hernia. So, I really feel like my body is just broken and I’ll never be able to get back in shape. I want to start walking again - we recently got a treadmill.

The problem with treadmills is that they can be a borefest. You have to dig deep to stay motivated and engaged and that can be a big ask when you're in a low mood. They're good for days when you can't get out into nature, but I would advise walking outside as much as you can because it's far better for your MH.

I found it better to try and accept that it's not going to be possible for me to get back to the state of health I was in 12 years ago. I'm not that person anymore. However, I can make improvements to how I am now. These improvements may be small but even the smallest improvements are beneficial to our physical and mental health, right?


But today I’m feeling very doom and gloom about how much I’ve let my health go. I turn 40 in April. When I turned 30 I was in the best health of my life. I ran a 10 mile obstacle race (Tough Mudder) on my 30th birthday and I was 60 pounds less than I am now. I had a baby the following year and I’ve never bounced back. It’s so disheartening. For a while I did lose weight and exercise, but since I was diagnosed with the hernia in 2018 I’ve been afraid to exercise besides walking. I had the hernia repaired during my hysterectomy and I was back to walking and doing yoga when I recovered, but then it recurred. I’m not going to have another surgery for it - maybe ever, but definitely not while I’m so overweight and the risk of recurrence remains.

My SIL has hernias. Like you, she had a hysterectomy and she's had numerous operations so I know how crap and life-affecting this can be. Don't be so hard on yourself re 'letting your health go' because you didn't choose to have these problems. You're trying your best to cope with these challenges, and it's understandable that your mood will be affected, as it is with any chronic condition or illness.


I just feel like I’m trapped in my defective body and that even if I do what I can some things are just beyond repair. I know I’m spiraling, but I’m just looking for some support.

I fully understand this statement. I struggle too, believe me.


My mom used to have a magnet on our fridge that said: I try to take one day at a time, but sometimes several days attack me at once. Right now all the days are attacking me while I imagine how long it will take me to get healthy again!!

The wisdom in this is by concentrating on the present which we do have some control over. On my worst days, I take things an hour at a time. I deal with my symptoms and do what I can to improve my pain levels. It's about getting through that day.