View Full Version : How do people anxiety cope with being parents?
your views would be of interest to me on this topic as i am 33, married but have no children. i have never felt particularly maternal but i am sure that part of my reluctance to have kids stems from my severe anxiety. if i get intrusive thoughts about harming people/my pets - how am i going to cope with having a baby???!!! I suppose as i am getting older i am starting to think of parenthood and whether i feel i could embrace it or not.
i know the thoughts are irrational - i love my pets dearly and look after them very well. i also feel i would be a good mum but am scared of how a pregnancy/birth/baby would affect me mentally. Anyone read about the case of that girl in the daily mail where she admitted to mental health problems in the past and they are planning on taking her baby away at birth???!!!
i would love to comments/views from those of you who decided to have children in the midst of an anxiety condition or those with children who suffer anxiety/intrusive thoughts etc.
Well my anxiety started about 8 years ago and I've managed to bring up 3 kids as a single parent - I think while undoubtably bringing up kids isn't without its stresses it also gives you something else to focus on too and a reason to get on and do stuff.
I'm sure you would be a lovely parent. Unfortunately they don't come with an instruction manuel so you have to wing it abit!! :yesyes:
Love Piglet :flowers:
Hi Joannap, I am mum to twins and it is really really difficult. I dont want them to see me in a bad state so am really glad when they have gone to school in a morning but the school holidays (apart from the last one in October) are the worst times. I used to go all over the place with them and this has not been an option since July last year (apart from when I was going through a better patch earlier this year). It leaves me feeling like I am only doing half a job and a lot of the time I admit that I dont want to bother with the kids or anyone else come to that. It is always a relief when they have gone to bed on a night. I spend a lot of time crying and dont like them seeing me crying either (not so often anyway) and wonder what effect this is having on them both. Yes I have intrusive thoughts along with the anxiety. If I could turn the clock back, I would probaby not have got the kids, if I thought for one minute that I was going to end up like this again.
Basilcat
hi basilcat
have you felt worse since you had the twins? twins must be a huge responsibility - it is literally having 2 babies at once! don't be so hard on yourself - you are bringing your children up and doing really well even if you don;t feel like you are! that is the main thing that worries me - not having time to myself - i love my dogs dearly (i have 3) but at the end of the day i can put them in the kitchen and have a few hours peace - i know myself when i am that way out i just need an hours rest or some "me" time and that is why having children scares me - i am worried i would feel resentful.
however - i can say now that my mum is my best friend and she had a really hard time of it bringing us up but has reaped the rewards since we've got older.
my step sister - who as far as i know - has no anxiety issues finds it incredibly hard dealing with her 3 and 2 year old and she has no outside stress such as money worries - she literally cannot wait to leave the house to go to work! however - i feel that at the end of the day we are probably tougher than most and if you can deal with anxiety - you can deal with anything!
theres no reason why you should have maternal feelings if youve never had kids really so dont worry about that:)
having said that i found being a parent completely natural, and its certainly something which brings added meaning to your life:D :D :D :D :D
Hi Jo,
I'm a dad with a beautiful 16 month old son. Yes, its hard dealing with anxiety at the same time but the little chap has enriched my life beyond anything I could have anticipated.
I won't deny it brings pressures but it also brings fulfillment. I had anxiety problems before becoming a parent and it worried me but I honestly don't think it makes any difference in the end. It makes you take on the anxiety because ultimately, opting out is not an option.
Trust your feelings. I'm not one for rushing into things, I was 40 before becoming a dad! I was scared of losing my freedom but in the end, I now feel life has a greater purpose than before.
I hope that helps.
Best wishes,
A
Hi Jo, I am 33 and have a ten year old and an 8 year old. I suffered depression after the birth of my 2nd one at roundabout age 26 / 27. it then developed in to anxiety / panic. I struggle through and at the moment am not good but I feel as long as I have hope to get better and I wont always be like this. Sometimes it is minimal and other times its maximum . I am glad I have my children but sometimes I do get upset as I feel sometimes I am not as happy as I could be and worry that I dont give my all to my family because of the way I am scared of everything. I have just started st johns wort and am thinking about hypnotherepy and cbt. The early days of children are quite tiring ,baby waking at night etc and can strain you but everyone does get tired out so thats normal. I couldnt recognise the signs that I was depressed I just thought i was extremely tired from it all. their is lots of help out their , and I find I need to help myself to it to help me. Its hard to feel like I will ever feel different when ones mind is filled with such trickery , I always just think its me, and not my mind ,and I have got to view them as together
hope this helps , subsequently I dont feel like I am that mother earth sort but i love them dearly and care for them. If anything mine are very independant as I do get them to do things like fix their own breakfast toast & cereal, lay the table other things like make phone calls arrange things I hope it helps them to be well rounded individuals, confident. My daughter knows i get paniky and I dont go into too much detail with her , I just say I get a get a fearfull
hope this helps
From my point of view I find it is with extreme difficulty. I have other health probs on top of the anx (or maybe anx is part of it) but I can't enjoy my children for fear. Only last night I was making a plan for when my eldest is a teenager and how we are going to deal with not knowing where she is etc......she is 9 at the moment. Nearly all my anx stems from my worries about my kids. I find they have a very limited life as I am anxious to let them:-
play in other peoples houses (in case they misbehave)
be out of my sight(in case something happens to them)
to do something adventurous (in case they get hurt)
mix with other kids who have colds (in case they get it)
to have friend over (cos I would have to interact with child and parent)
to have sleep overs(cos I wouldn't get to sleep and I would turn into mother from hell)
to have any sort of independence (for fear of what could happen to them)
to let them be a little cheeky (in case they grow up to be nasty and horrid)
I fear they will be bullied, abused, hurt, have boyfriends hurt them, they will become ill like me, they will grow up and hate me, they will grow up and resent me being ill, they will grow up and hate each other, ........the list of fear and anx about my kids is so long it would make very long and embarassing reading.
These may seem trivial and even funny, but it is a real problem for me. My fear of what could happen to my children spoils almost every single day that I have with them. I don't know how to relax and whilst I love them more than life itself, I don't think I would ever have considered how much of an impact they could have on me. I lie awake worrying about what 'could' happen to them one day. Well meaning people tell me that I can't protect them from all hurt just serves to heighten the anx.
I truelly believe I would not be nearly so anx if I did not have my kids as most of my fear is about what can happen to them, rather than to me.
Happyone
xxx
My intrusive thoughts have been an impediment in my experience of being a Mum. I think I''ve caused my kids to miss out on some things because of my catastrophizing, rather like Happyone does in her post. I have to say that I haven't been suffering anxiety and panic for all the time I've been a mum. Have you got a good doctor or support worker who would advise you on your cocerns? There must be some book that someone could recommend for you.
I've got better as my kids have got older and are now teens and above. CBT helped me to cope with some of my "anxious predictions" and I got to a point where I aknowledged that they will be out in the world without me fussing round them and I've got to let them get on with it. In a way I'm reconciling myself now by thinking that at least if awful things happen, i'm still here to support them , get things into perspective and help them on their way whilst I'm still alive.
hi,
wow, i could have written this post word for word, except i dont get the 'thoughts'......im also 33, married almost 3 years and want to be a mum....my anxiety has caused tocophobia...and ive just realised im a serious case for both now.(i also have 2 dogs i love dearly)
ive got a nicegirlfriend who is calming me into thinking i could handle being pregnant now, but i know things are different when your actually pregnant....
onthis topic i dont think i can help you because im in the same boat as you, my doc recently said if i want a baby, i really should do it before i turn 35, so now the pressure is on a little.....
what i can offer is, if we do both end up going down this path at similar times, i could really do with someone to talk to who would be going through it all at similar times to me....if that does end up the case.....we should maybe have a pregnancy and baby/child area in this forum.......
hi all- thanks for all the posts - a real mixture of opinions!
my husband is very reluctant to become a dad at the moment (he doesn't suffer with anxiety - just does not want the responsibility) and to be honest - at the moment i feel the same! even thinking of getting up in the night fills me with dread! although i am sure having a baby is one of those wondrous experiences that you can;t really understand until you have one - i just keep telling myself i have a good few years yet to decide (like you peach!).
Happyone - thanks for your honesty. it sounds to me like your anxiety has found an outlet in you children - if you weren't a mum then i think it would find something else to fuel itself into. it must be difficult but you have to tell yourself that by over protecting your kids and not letting them be independent - you are not allowing them to truly enjoy their childhood and are missing out on experiences that will enable them to grow up into wellrounded people. you need to spin those negatives around and think of the positives you would be giving them by letting them do the things you fear. my mum wouldn;t let me mix with people who had chicken pox as a child as she had a fear of it. i didn't get it until i was 29!!! not a good age - i would have much prefered to have it as a child.
the more you let your kids be free and expose them to the normal dangers - colds, other kids, playing out etc - the more they will be able to cope with the world as adults - my mum did not let me do things because of her own fears and i feel that i learned how to be fearful from her so its a vicious circle.
peach - if i decide to go down the baby route - i will certainly give you a shout!
Hi Joannap. Thanks for your message. No the anxiety has not got worse since I had the twins. The only thing that is different is the last time I had it, they were not of an age to ask questions and see me acting strange etc etc. So I didnt feel as "threatened" if thats the right word. Now of course they are old enough to wonder whats going on and ask questions and I feel a complete nuisance. I feel like I am only half a mum. But as you say, twins are a huge responsibility and I am doing my best, always have done - only its not as easy in this state. I find I want to be quiet and on my own a lot. A bit like you saying you would need "me" time. Yes with dogs, you know as much as you love them, you can always put them in the kitchen and have a few hours peace. My peace is when the kids are at achool of course. I find that I need to do everything on my own when I am in this state, till my confidence returns.
My mum is my best friend too and she didnt have it easy either as my dad was a very angry, critical and bitter man who took "it" out on everyone. I think my mum has reaped the rewards too, although its not been much fun, me being like this since summer last year.
I can understand your step sister dying to get out of the house to go to work, I would have too if it had been possible but we have no relatives round here to help with the kids in the school holidays so work has not been an option for me. It cant be bad though when your step sister has no money worries etc. I can understand her finding it hard with a 2 and a 3 year old. Those are not easy ages, with or without anxiety.
Yes you are right, we are probably stronger than most and if we can deal with anxiety we can deal with anything.
Best Wishes
Basilcat
joannap,
my mum was exactly the same! she would scream at me when i was tiny to 'get away' from everything, that everything could kill me....she also advised that having a baby was horrific and beyond painful....
im convinced that besides passing anx genes on to me (which im sure she did) im also sure this past had a bit to play in all of this as well....
mind you she suffered much worse then i have been, so maybe even though the gene can pass on, im hoping it becomes milder with each child....
my fear and constantly feeling ill from the anx is whats keeping me from babies at the moment...hubby is keen, but supportive of me. at the mo i can barely function as it is. i agree with you joannap, i think and hope weve still got a little time eh....considering halle berrie is only now pregnant and shes 41! someone told me once that there is never the perfect time for these things, and you never feel ready for it....we are lucky tho that we do have the option, some ppl dont have the choice......good luck!
Hi again, I was 36 when the twins were born. I was 50 in June and they will be 14 at the of January. So I wasnt a young mum either. Before I was expecting them I said to hubby, if we have A child it will be great and if we dont have A child it will be great. So great either way. We were in shock though when I found out I was having two children. He rang his mum up and told her I wasnt having A baby and she thought I had miscarried till he put her straight and said I was having two!! By the way they were born on different days! He was born at 11.45pm on the Thursday and she was born at 12.05am on the Friday!! They were born at the Lousie Margaret Maternity Unit at the Cambridge Military Hospital in Alderhshot. I was very well through my pregnancy and the kids were born quite quickly too. So in that respect, I was lucky.
BasilCat
its the biggest responsibility that you will ever take on.
:) hi guys,
this thread is also very interesting to me, as we are now considering trying again. however my major concerns are that the stress of having a child is both positive and negative, so therefore an increase in energy is required(mental,emotional and physical). if you start to doubt your ability to cope you become far more focused on failure in every way - failing to give them opportunities for fun, for experiences, for care and love and attention etc etc, insteadof focusing on the job we become concerned with all of these 'concepts'.
so my point is that my negative thoughts lead me to DEPEND on others, i say i cant cope so behaviourally i have to find ways of feeling more 'secure', nowunfortunately my 'network' isvery small,due to death and neglect fromfamily members, plus also own big chip on shoulder consequently pushing people away and rejecting people because i didnt feel they were on my wavelength:blush: (unrealistic expectations). so my fear is that in the event of sickness, death of the support people i would have to cope alone,and deal with my eldest childand any other small children i was left with:lac: :weep:
this is where thoughts play such a massive part, because in the past i DID cope wellwith adversity, infact better than anyone!which is why depression is decribed as the illness of the strong!
or since i have experienced intense, almost uncontrollable anxiety to the point of feeling unable to go on (even thought i have always gone on) have i lost confidence in my ability to cope and is my NEGATIVE habitual thinking clouding the issue?
personally for me (maybe controversial to some?) the reason we are here is to continue the species and really when its all stripped away there is no other reason to be here? so parnethood which is undoubtedly difficult sometimes downright impossible is actually the most meaningful thing you will do:yesyes:
howdy emmas!
good to see your still considering!
there seems to be a few of us in similar boats on this one, i still think we should have a new topic area for pregnancy/birth/babies and things to do with this because i agree, parenthood must be the most rewarding (challenging, ) but rewarding job on the planet...and a very difficult consideration for ppl like us living with anx...i totally agree we all need support in this area, and if we arnt getting it in rl, then support on here, im sure will be a good 2nd!
:hugs: hi peach, well i am still considering it, but i feel like times running out for me! like i said being a parent is very very hard, i had no idea the first time:wacko: i think i thought it would be all rosy and lovely and i would have this adoring child- id spent alot of time with my sisters twins, but somehow because i didnt have FULL responsibility (i gave them back at the end of the day!) it didnt register that having my own would be slightly more difficult:shrug:
also im one of the people who had had episodes since my teens of intense anxiety and depression, and for me the stress of parenthood was THE catalyst for the agoraphobia (avoidance of panic plus dependancy), so i am exactly the same as you and joannap because we are thinking about parenthood in the context of us having an anxiety disorder, and its a big enough decision without that to contend with. i think, for methis is THE worst part of anxiety - it robs you of confidence in your ability to cope, and so to take on challenging situations:weep:
IrishPrincess
27-11-07, 10:19
Heya Joanna,
I'm a mum of a 7 year old son who is my lil prince,he is the 1 who gets me up in the morning and keeps me fighting,i think i would've given up by now without him.Im now at the stage where i would love another baby and like u i am worried how it will affect me,(my anxiety started after i had my son).I found it very hard relying on my family for the school run and stuff like that,but in saying that i did stuff like going to all his football games and masses for his communion,which i only did because the guilt of missing them would have been worse than the panic.Personally im going to wait a while til i feel more on my feet,because as much as a having a baby is rewarding it is also stressful.
IrishPrincess:hugs:
Keep your heart open to dreams,
For as long as there's a dream,
There is hope,
And as long as there's hope,
There is joy in living.
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