Losing it

[NewlyScared]

I know this is part of checking but...I am completely losing it. I have convinced myself I have about 8 different serious conditions over the past week. I'm constantly on google (even ended up using my work's uni access to read academic medical papers which I clearly don't understand). I'm sleeping badly and constantly distracted.

And I can't go to the GP because when I try to actually describe my symptoms it's like...my nails look funny, so I'm dying. Or 'I know I sit weirdly on a broken chair, but I'm convinced my back pain is actually cancer'. Or 'you know those lymph nodes I've always been able to feel? Well, I can feel them'. Which would make me sound mad (because I'm going mad).

[BlueIris]

How about going to your GP and telling them that your health anxiety is truly debilitating? It worked for me.

[NewlyScared]

I probably should. But then what if it turns out that everything I'm scared of is actually true? Or I have a full on panic attack in the waiting room? (I am being massively avoidant I know)

[Mocadona]

How about going to your GP and telling them that your health anxiety is truly debilitating? It worked for me.
This is the answer! I had a lot of minor issues I was making into a big deal, went to the GP but the first thing I mentioned was my anxiety and he basically refused to give me reassurance on my ailments and we worked out a plan to deal with the actual problem.

It's good that you can recognise the things you are describing are trivial and wouldn't bother most people, so that's a great platform to start on.

[BlueIris]

Mocadona, I did the same thing. I had a health issue that was scaring the life out of me so I went to the GP and explained that I didn't want a solution, I wanted to get my anxiety under control. Luckily I saw a fantastic lady who listened and helped, which was how I started out on the road to recovery.

[NewlyScared]

This sounds good. It's not surprising that this has happened, I'd been on antidepressants for like 15 years, came off about a year ago because the depression was much better, but clearly they were also treating anxiety as I've just got worse since. I don't want to go back on meds, but also this has just got really really bad really really quickly* (I know what the root cause of the anxiety is and why it's turned into anxiety about body sensations, but that's something that's going to be harder to address)

*leaving the house after my spouse so I can take my temp and use the pulse oximeter, wandering into a department store in town that has a mechanical scale on display so I can obsess over weight, not wanting to be cuddled because I'm really aware of my heartbeat and I'm scared she'll also feel it...

[BlueIris]

From someone who used to live this life, this is no way to be living.

See your doctor, and get some help so that you can feel better.

[ankietyjoe]

I probably should. But then what if it turns out that everything I'm scared of is actually true? Or I have a full on panic attack in the waiting room? (I am being massively avoidant I know)

If it is true, you won't have much longer to worry about it, problem solved (but it's not true).

If you have a panic attack, you'll have a panic attack. So what?

But, you have to stop googling. You are feeling the way you are because you are providing yourself with many reasons to. If you don't stop googling, you cannot recover. If you keep googling, the anxiety will never leave you. Period.

[NewlyScared]

I know. The first thing to do is to distract myself. It doesn't help that I have my own office at work so I can fall down a rabbit hole easily. Which of course will cause real problems if I don't get it in hand because I need to actually do my job. Or, like, kids wake up in the night, I check on them, then...oh, look, a phone, what could be wrong with me now?

[Mocadona]

Mocadona, I did the same thing. I had a health issue that was scaring the life out of me so I went to the GP and explained that I didn't want a solution, I wanted to get my anxiety under control. Luckily I saw a fantastic lady who listened and helped, which was how I started out on the road to recovery.
Exactly the same! I got a new GP after my old one retired and he was great. It's a shame that it can be hit and miss depending on your doctor, but I think what NewlyScared has going for them is that they can see the behaviours and know they are irrational, which is where I was when I started out. The most important thing I learned was that there is no quick fix in this, I'm still only getting to grips with it but I can see a bit of improvement. For the first while the challenging/letting your thoughts go is almost constant and it's easy to say this isn't working for me, but you have to stick with it.

[BlueIris]

Same, Mocadona. The GP I saw took me seriously because I was aware of my own irrationality.

I still get panicky about things and I still fall down the Google-hole occasionally, but I don't live in terror any more.

[Mocadona]

I probably should. But then what if it turns out that everything I'm scared of is actually true? Or I have a full on panic attack in the waiting room? (I am being massively avoidant I know)
If it's true, which it isn't, then it's true. Having a doctor confirm it will only remove the uncertainty but not change anything else.

[NewlyScared]

I know. I can't live like this anymore, I'm so tired.

[BlueIris]

So see your GP and start healing. It's tough, it's scary but it really beats the alternative.

[ankietyjoe]

I know. The first thing to do is to distract myself. It doesn't help that I have my own office at work so I can fall down a rabbit hole easily. Which of course will cause real problems if I don't get it in hand because I need to actually do my job. Or, like, kids wake up in the night, I check on them, then...oh, look, a phone, what could be wrong with me now?


You are describing a choice, a choice you are making and then doing. Nothing is forcing you to check, so stop doing it. It's really, really not that hard.

You're just making excuses to carry on with the self destructive behavior.

Just stop doing it.

[NewlyScared]

I know. It feels hard because it's a compulsion, but yeah

[ServerError]

I appreciate it's fairly expensive, but if you can, consider paying for a therapist. You'll start healing a lot quicker than you will sitting around on an NHS waiting list. Waits aren't always long with the NHS (mine have never been) but doing it privately can help you take control quickly. You can also jump ship to another therapist if the one you're seeing doesn't feel right for you.

[Mocadona]

I know. It feels hard because it's a compulsion, but yeah

I'm with you on that one! Take it one urge at a time, you will give in - sometimes more often than not but allow yourself to be proud of when you don't.

[NewlyScared]

Thought I should come back here to check in. I've seen my GP who is sure that this is health anxiety and nothing more. Doesn't think anything I'm worried about looks abnormal, did some tests which were normal. I've started Sertraline and am trying to work on this in therapy.

I just can't get over how real everything feels...like, I'd lost some fat from lifestyle changes, but since this started it's felt like my clothes and jewellry are much looser and I keep weighing myself expecting my weight to have plummeted and it...hasn't. I weigh the same (because I'm doing exercise and building muscle) but...it feels so real.

But when it comes down to it, my symptoms are 'some back and abdominal pain which improves on stretching so is likely muscular' 'slightly pale fingernails' and 'beau's lines I can basically track the severtity of my anxiety over the past six months on'. Which probably isn't imminent death, even though in my brain it's 'visceral pain and anaemia and unexplained weight loss'. I'm actually probably the healthiest I've been in years, I just feel like I'm dying.

I've got better at not googling, though. I think the meds are helping, even though I hate being back on them.

[Lolalee1]

Gee you are lucky getting tests back in a day!!.Also I didn’t know that the Sertraline worked in 1 day and you are lucky to get therapy so quick?

[NewlyScared]

Gee you are lucky getting tests back in a day!!.Also I didn’t know that the Sertraline worked in 1 day and you are lucky to get therapy so quick?

Oh, no, this didn't happen in a day! I went to the GP shortly after my first post a month ago, and tests have happened over that time. I've been on Sertraline a week, so the response is probably placebo at this point, but that's still a good sign, and I was already in general therapy, but have asked to focus on this so I can get it under control...