Spiraling after health scare, blue spot on nail fold

[worriedme1978]

Oh crap, I'm at it again. HA has been mostly under control for a while, and then came the flu/covid or whatever that was three weeks ago and had me coughing blood mixed mucus for two weeks.
After that I started spiraling about old stuff, that I thought I was done with. Most recently, and most aggressively, is a blueish spot on the nail fold, right under the nail of one of my index fingers.
I know it's been there for at least six years (since I made a note of it in my journal back then), hasn't changed. Nail looks fine. It's doesn't seem to be pigment, more like a crappy blood vessel because if I poke it from the right direction it sort of goes away.

But still, all I'm thinking is subungual melanoma, melanoma of the nail unit. Because that is what caught my googling eyes the last time I had this scare. I went a dermatologist that time, but she couldn't see much, since I had been poking it so much.

So very tired of this. It's all I've been thinking about for two days, work time, family time, waking in the middle of the night. Poking at the spot, examining, looking at Google image search trying to find something that looks like what I have got. Still haven't found anything. It's so sad to remember obscure medical terms like "subungual melanoma" or "Hutchinson's sign". Wish I could wipe away all old Google memories from my brain and have a clean slate. :weep:

[ankietyjoe]

Wish I could wipe away all old Google memories from my brain and have a clean slate. :weep:

How do you expect to do that if you're topping up with new Google searches?

[NoraB]

HA has been mostly under control for a while, and then came the flu/covid or whatever that was three weeks ago and had me coughing blood mixed mucus for two weeks.
After that I started spiraling about old stuff, that I thought I was done with.

The problem with HA is that it tends to hibernate until the next trigger...


So very tired of this. It's all I've been thinking about for two days, work time, family time, waking in the middle of the night. Poking at the spot, examining, looking at Google image search trying to find something that looks like what I have got.

Yep, you're back down the hole!


Wish I could wipe away all old Google memories from my brain and have a clean slate. :weep:

We choose to Google, and these are the consequences of this behaviour. What you can do, is to work on your HA so that the next time at trigger comes along you don't go back down that hole. (Speaking from experience here..).

You need to learn how to challenge your thoughts when a trigger comes along, and to not throw fuel on the fire with behaviours like Googling, checking, symptom dumping, and seeking reassurance. CBT will teach you how to do this..

[worriedme1978]

Thank you ankietyjoe and NoraB for the wise words. I've had online CBT for my HA in the past, and have been quite good with not googling and other bad behavior since. But I guess I need to repeat some of the lessons learned.

It's helpful to express my feelings here, as a safe place. I'm avoiding burdening my wife and family with this, as it makes her really sad. Even though she can tell when something is up with my anxiety issues.

Thinking about maybe getting a doctor's appointment to discuss SSRIs.

[NoraB]

Thank you ankietyjoe and NoraB for the wise words. I've had online CBT for my HA in the past, and have been quite good with not googling and other bad behavior since. But I guess I need to repeat some of the lessons learned.

The MOMENT you get the thought to Google, remind yourself that it's self-harm..


Thinking about maybe getting a doctor's appointment to discuss SSRIs.

Meds can be helpful, but I'd suggest that you also need to look at CBT again. Anti-anxiety meds only deal with the physical symptoms, but they cannot change the way you think. Also, the core issue with health anxiety is usually fear of death, (our own, or those we love) so it would help you (immensely) to get your head around acceptance of your own mortality..