Sign, help...

[Deluded]

I got no clue where to start:

I guess i'll make it short:

I was smoking heavily weed at age 16, then out of nowhere my dad dies, I break down, and just kept on smoking, then 2-3months later I'm hit with insane Depersonalization Derealization Mental OCD(PureO) and Panic disorder.
I had 20 panic attacks a day for 4months straight, didn't leave the couch for anything but bathroom and food.
Dropped out of school, quit my job and just tried to hold on and hope i wasn't gonna go insane.

Panic attacks made me so dissociated I didnt even recognize myself in the mirror anymore, I got no emotions, but the worst off all is the derealization and pure o about "do other people exist?" "is this all a dream"? these 2 thoughts has been on my mind 24/7 for 2 years now, n I got no clue.
I want to beat someone just to see that they exist and beat me back.
I feel like a egomeganomaliac from this obsessing and fear.
Ive lost complete contact with reality.

Tried several meds(none work, all made me worse, now im just on diazepam to make me able to sleep at night), tried therapy(3 different, alternative treatments, everything from bullshit accupuncture, homeopathy(a lot of wasted money right there) no help, cause they got no chance to understand wtf im going through).
Lost all my friends, I got no life and got 2 options, keep on 24/7 torture or end it with a quick overdose...

What do I do?

I feel so alone, if youve not gone through this u cannot even begin to comphrend the feeling Im going through, but if uve seen Vanilla Sky, I fear life is like that... everyone is false and im all alone...

So, did panic make me psychotic or is there hope?

Ive done EVERYTHING so wtf is left for me to do?


I got no emotions, nto even panic anymore from DP, I dont feel my face, I dont feel my body, I can stab myself(already did twice) and not feel anything, can shower in icecold water and not feel it.
The world seems flat, carttooonish false

[maxine]

Ok first of all you aint crazy so stop thinking it!.

I don't deal with the same issues as you but i'm sure there will be someone on here how does/has done.

Meds can be pure hit and miss sometimes , what works for one can make matters worse for others you will eventually find the one that helps but you need to keep trying.

My advice as pants as i'm sure you'll find it is to go back to your doctor and try again, you need to explain everything that you have just said on here to him, they can't help unless they know everything.

As for the weed i used to smoke alot of that in my younger days and i really think it had alot to do with my agoraphobia/panic attacks, quit smoking it now! It's not helping and if anything it'll make matters worse.

Please don't do anything stupid i've been there were there seems like there is no hope and no other options left but there is, there always is.

Things can get better, with the right meds and support, i'm not saying it's going to be easy it won't , you'll have the biggest fight of your life on your hands but if you want to get better it's going to take everything you've got.

Don't let this win.