Coping with anxiety and loss of a parent

[Whizz]

I've never lossed anyone before, it had to happen eventually, I just wasn't expecting now. Not only has the anxiety peaked, but I'm feeling such deep sorrow.

My dad was attacked with many infections that took over, he seemed to be getting better though, his infection levels had dropped massively and he was chatty and saying how bored he was and how crap the food was, then he had another infection develop and 12hrs later he died.

I don't think it's the actual fact I will no longer see him, but the fact that he was panicking before he had a procedure done, he thought he would die but he was ok after it. He then got another infection shortly after and passed away. I feel sadness for not being able to make him feel ok and that I couldn't comfort him.

I understand that at the end stage he was essentially unconscious so he probably had no idea what was happening, although I keep thinking he was aware as his lips moved slightly when we said that we loved him so now I panic because I'm thinking what if he was aware?! After they changed his oxygen to a nasal cannula he died quite quickly so maybe he wasn't aware as his body was already in shutdown mode. I just don't know.

I got some comfort in learning about the stages of death but I'm still getting panicked about not being able to comfort him when he was scared.

[fishman65]

Hi Whizz. I'm so sorry to hear of the loss of your Dad. I don't think there are many things more traumatic in life than losing a loved one. I think we are all afraid of death on some level, sadly your Dad would be no different.

In such a situation, you can only do your best to comfort him. And you would have given him that comfort. I've been in that moment too, when my Mum died. I felt powerless to comfort her because she was facing something I could only imagine. I too had similar feelings of helplessness that you have experienced. It is natural and you cannot punish yourself, you were there for him in his last moments. What more could you do? And if he was aware when you and your family were saying you loved him? He would have known he was loved.

Look after each other. I wish you peace and healing.

[Whizz]

Thanks Fishman. I suppose the "what ifs" and "only if I" are a natural part of grief.

I remember reading that a bad breakup can be similar to grief, and I would agree. I think having that experience has helped me manage so far and now it doesn't bother me. I assume it will be the same with loss.

Thanks!

[Catkins]

I'm so sorry for your loss. It's so very hard to lose a parent, give yourself plenty of TLC and don't rush yourself to feel 'normal'.

[Whizz]

I actually spoke with the hospital today, we went through everything to clear things up which caused confusion. My dad had sepsis along with spondylodiskitis, covid, pneumonia and rare internal abscesses which overwhelmed him. I was assured he was well medicated and despite having some bad pain, the painkillers done their job and he passed in peace. This was a great help to know. I've decided to start a project in his honour which will help cope with the empty feeling.

[Pkstracy]

I am so sorry for your loss. Sending you hugs

[Whizz]

Thanks, Pkstarcy. Now I've got all the health things answered I'm feeling a bit hopeless and depressed now but I'm pretty sure that is part of the cycle.

[NoraB]

I understand that at the end stage he was essentially unconscious so he probably had no idea what was happening, although I keep thinking he was aware as his lips moved slightly when we said that we loved him so now I panic because I'm thinking what if he was aware?! After they changed his oxygen to a nasal cannula he died quite quickly so maybe he wasn't aware as his body was already in shutdown mode. I just don't know.

So sorry to hear about your dad, Whizz. (Been there, and all that)

I was with my dad when he died, but my mum died alone at home. I wasn't there to comfort her in her last moments, and I struggled for years with that until I realised (and accepted) that some things are beyond our control. You were with your dad when he died, and that will comfort you in time to come..

Reproaching yourself for what you think you 'should' have done, is all part of the grieving process. Understand that you did your best, and that your dad was loved right to the very end. While he was understandably scared about the procedure etc, he left this world without pain and without fear.

You never get over losing a parent and no amount of time changes this; we have to learn how to live without them.

When a parent dies, the part of us that responded only to them, dies too. My dad and I shared the same sense of humour. He was one of those really great humans who comforted me just by being in the same room; no words were necessary. No other human has this effect on me. My dad was the one person who I can honestly say never irritated the crap out of me. When my mum died, I stopped being a daughter altogether, and nothing in my life had prepared me for that moment. This, I learned, is something that you have to experience to understand. (And realisation didn't happen at the time of Mum's death; it happened months later in a café when I saw a mother and daughter laughing and drinking tea...)

This is your journey, Whizz, and I'm very sorry you're going through this. It's very raw and painful right now, but one day your dad's final day won't be the first thing that comes to your mind when you think of him. Until then, try and understand that grief and the rollercoaster that it is, is the price we pay for loving someone (and having been loved by them), and that all pain is transitory.

Take things a day at a time...

[Scass]

I’m sorry to hear about your Dad. Losing a parent is horrible, and whatever the circumstances it’s a shock.
I remember being in shock for a few days before the sadness crept in. I also remember wondering what I could/should have done differently. I remember feeling such comfort from other people’s memories and support.

My advice is to get as must rest as you can, ask for help if you can, and talk talk talk. Xx

[BlueIris]

So very sorry for your loss.

[Carnation]

I had a similar situation to you Whizz with my dad.
It's now 9 years on.
I tortured myself with similar thoughts and I wasn't realising that my dad had already prepared himself mentally for this stage and I wasn't seeing the peacefulness about him. The uncomfort laid with me. And because I'm empathic I sort of took on the feelings and imagination ran away with me.
It will get easier with time and your dad wouldn't want you to torture yourself with something that probably didn't exist anyway. :hugs:

[Whizz]

Thanks for the replies. I think I'll call the Sepsis Trust nurses today just so I have more understanding of the process, even though I've spoken to the hospital I think it would be good to speak to an expert in sepsis just to clear up any residual what ifs. I've also got a zoom community bereavement meeting run by the UK Sepsis Trust setup, I'm not sure what it entails but I think others hop on and chat about sepsis and get help with coping with the loss.

Thanks all