Please help me

[jules321]

I know it’s odd to turn to strangers on an online forum for comfort, but I don’t know where else to turn right now.

My child was diagnosed with something very scary. We have gotten 2nd, 3rd, 4th… etc opinions and all concur. I don’t need to go into the details. What I need is to find strength to help her through the chronic, long (non life threatening but harrowing) road ahead. I am crumbling. I’m trying to hide it and be strong for her and, frankly, I’m failing miserably. She has seen me crying. This angel has actually comforted me. She has cried, and I have comforted her. I need to pull it together because I’m making myself sick with worry and anxiety.

We have a plan, treatment is in place, there is no cure- just a long road ahead of unknowns which is the problem. How does one cope with such unknowns? I wish this was a regular HA episode where it’s in my head. But it isn’t, and it’s affecting the person most cherished to me in the entire universe. How does one cope?

There are others on here and everywhere who have gone through life threatening illnesses and devastating losses. Truly, how do you find the strength to face the unknown, enjoy the present, and not catastrophize? I understand the tools theoretically and am actually trained in them but haven’t had to use them in this capacity. I have moments of strength where I think the tears are passed and I can cope only to dissolve or have a panic attack moments later. Sleeping is minimal. Our funds are going to so many medical bills so therapy isn’t an option for me currently.

I also chipped my front tooth today (grinding from stress) which is such small beans but dentists are such a fear for me and it all feels too much. I also just don’t have time to deal with my own issues with so many hospital and doctor visits on my docket now.

My spouse is being useless. He is half glass empty on a good day, and it’s just not what I need right now. I need hope, comfort, strength, and reassurance. I never get that from him, but I **need** it now. If another friend says “I’m so sorry” or “wow your problems make mine seem minuscule in comparison,” I might scream.

How does one cope?

[ErinKC]

It’s always horrendous when our kids are faced with something like this. But, unlike anxiety, it’s a real thing with a real treatment plan and real steps you can take to help, even if you can’t take it away. Once you get through the initial shock, focus on action. Don’t let your mind stray into the unknown when you have plenty of known to handle.

And, it’s ok to be upset and to cry. It won’t hurt your daughter to see that her mom is sad that she’s been diagnosed with something scary and upsetting. Both are you are allowed to be upset and cry. But then also use that to comfort each other, grow closer, and then get back to the action plan.

I don’t really have advice for your husband. Men process stress and fear and grief differently so it could just be his way of coping. But I don’t want to let him off the hook if he’s just sucking at this. Try not to let him take you down and just look inside yourself for strength.

As for your own issues - you need to be I top shape to care for your daughter, so don’t neglect your own health. Taking care of your tooth even though you’re nervous would be a great example to set for your daughter who may be facing scary things ahead.

I don’t know how old she is, but if you’ve never spoken to her about your own anxiety, it may be a good time to do that so she understands what is a real fear, threat, etc. and what is your anxiety.

Good luck to both of you!!