unable to get back into teaching

[puppygirl]

:weep: Hi, I wonder if anyone has suffered a similar experience to mine, I would appreciate any advice as I really don't know what to do. Apologies for the length but needed to get this off my chest. I retrained as a teacher 11 years ago, taught at a really good school for 4 years, fancied a change and moved to a special needs school. It was not what I expected and I started to experience anxiety attacks, I just couldn't cope and I didn't know why. After a week of seriously stressing out, I basically had a major panic attack (needed medication) and could not go back into the school. I left and took a year off teaching with no further symptoms. My original school got back in touch, I rejoined five years ago and got back into the swing of things, again with no further attacks. Sorry for the long into. but I wanted to bring people up to date. I moved to the North of England three months ago and with some time on my hands I decided to join a teaching agency. I was completely honest about my experiences and type of school I liked. Well I went into a school on Monday (a little similar to the SEN school I was in), felt OK and agreed to do the week. I was feeling fine until last night I started to experience the anxiety I had experienced six years ago. The result: I stressed all night, typical anxiety symptoms, couldn't understand what was happening, couldn't do anything about it, didn't sleep, in the morning I physically couldn't make myself go to the school. I called the agency, school was furious, I spent today feeling guilty, depressed, a failure and in tears. I just couldn't understand that with no symptoms in six years, it suddenly came back. Any advice :weep:

[feels_like_home]

I am a first year teacher. I constantly worry that my anxiety will take over and I won't be able to handle it. I think it is because I know I can't just leave if I need to. After talking to my therapist about this she asked what would happen? I thought about it rationally and said I would call the office to have someone come and take over. Basically she made me rationalize my fears. I am not saying they are gone, but it has helped a lot. I am also lucky because I teach kindergarten. I am so busy that I can distract myself very easily. There is no down time. I do however get anxious during lunch and recess. I don't know if this helps you at all, but I just wanted you to know that you are not alone. Try not to feel guilty because you have to look out for number 1 and that's you!
Michelle

[shoegal]

Dear Puppygirl,

I really feel for you. I am not a teacher but I have worked as a Classroom Assistant and as Support Worker with SEN children so I am familiar with the classroom environment. When I worked at a special needs school I also suffered from panic attacks. I found that I was anxious that I would drop a severely disabled child, or need to 'escape' whilst doing something that 'trapped' me. Some of the children I worked with had regular fits or had to be tube fed etc so I really couldn't just walk off in the middle of attending to something. Luckily the Headmistress of the school also suffered from panic attacks and I was able to talk to her about it. She said I was free to leave the classroom for a breather at any time if I needed to, and it helped knowing I had her permission. I think I only left the classroom once during 18 months, although I had plenty of very anxious panicky moments!!! I also worked for the social services in Brighton and I found that although the job was fine, I had panic attacks during meetings because there were a lot of adults crammed into a small room and I felt trapped. After moving to a new area I accepted a job in a school working as an SSA again. I loved the job but I had to lift a child in and out of her wheelchair, and on one occasion when I lifted her, my arms felt weak and trembly and I got a terrible pain in my shoulder. It really scared me and I lost faith in my ability to lift the child unaided. I could not sleep, got in a state and was prescribed ant-depressants which I had a bad reaction to. Unfortunately, I handed in my notice feeling a total failure and a mess. It later turned out that I had a condition called Fibromyalgia which causes muscle weakness which is why I had problems when trying to lift the child. But I didn't know this when it happened and I lost all my confidence. After moving again, I became a nanny and then a child minder. I found that working with children in this more relaxed environment worked well for me. I love working with children and I think it is a shame my anxiety got the better of me.
I have no idea why the feelings you had suddenly came back, but I suppose if you have a fear of being trapped, then anywhere that makes you feel trapped will trigger a panic attack. Is there any way that you can talk to the school about your feelings? I would first of all see your Doctor and maybe get some medication to use short term while you settle in. I would also ask to see a counsellor to see if you can work out some coping strategies. If you really feel you can't go back into the classroom environment, have you considered other jobs working with children that you can do? I know it would seem a waste when you are a qualified teacher, but on the other hand, there are plenty of child care jobs out there that you could do that wouldn't make you feel trapped.
I'm sorry this happened to you and I hope you feel better soon. :flowers:

Love and hugs from shoegal xxx

[puppygirl]

:) Hi Shoegal and feels-like-home, thanks for your advice. I am feeling much better today but I'm starting to get a cold, defences must be down. Thankfully the job I was in was not a permanent position, it was a supply position for one possibly two weeks work, so I don't have to go back. I called the agency and explained the situation. I have decided to take a complete break from teaching, I work as an examiner for different exam boards and this is enough to keep me busy. Financially I am in a good position, my husband works full time as a teacher, so I can afford to take time out. My problem seems to be that I can't sit back and relex. I started work 27 years ago as a cook, went back into further education and then into teaching so I have always worked, so maybe I now need to take some me time. I would still like to get back into teaching but I'm not going to rush into anything, now that I know that the problem could happen again I will be getting in touch with people who could help me overcome the anxiety. I've already had a discusion with a friend who understands what I have gone through and she has suggested that maybe it's the type of school that has this affect. As I've been able to teach for a total of nine years, then I must be able to do it. And my teaching career was in an excellent school, so maybe it's bad behaviour, confrontation and the feeling of not being in control that causes the attacks to come on. I am learning to not beat myself up and to now think about strategies to help me get out of the rut I was starting to get in. So I am going to start taking advice and completely relax. Life is too short to start worrying about what the school or the agency thinks about me. I'm sure that I won't be the first or last person to walk out of a job. Keep in touch, any advice is welcome. I will keep you both updated.:flowers:

[weeble40]

i just finished as deputy head of a school for kids,who have been excluded from mainstream schools and was or at risk of becoming excluded from society, as hard as this job was for me and my collegues, those children are the only thing that kept me upright during the day, and the only reason for this was the fact, I knew I could not have a panic in front of them for fear of embarassing myself, yes it was hard but hey what kinda of time do you think they would give me, I had to be tough on ME, dont get me wrong I came home and freaked out, but can honestly say I was so much better being around people who didnt know me, where I had to be strong, for them not me, You keep going you doing a great job, and like you say, you are the teacher, teach them well, not how to panic, be strong, I have faith in you,

Emma xxxxx