Ashamed that I might have let anxiety ruin my holiday... again

[TaleOn11]

So to keep this simple as I'm tired at the moment, a week before my holiday I was triggered with a new fear and I didn't go to see my therapist about it so I ended up having to go on my holiday with my anxiety unchecked and it bothered me for most of it.

Its not that I didn't do anything. I still did everything from going into the swimming pool to going out into the nightlife but with my anxiety I wasn't able to fully take it in and enjoy it to the fullest. I still enjoyed what I could but yeah.

Now I feel awful coming back. I don't know whats wrong with me! Why was I too lazy and stubborn to see my therapist? I feel like I paid the price yet again for not taking full responsibility for my mental health and thats at least a motivation for me to do so but this is not the first time its happened and I feel like an absolute failure..

[Carnation]

Maybe you didn't want to see your therapist pre the holiday for fear of some answers. Or you might just have thought you'd go and see how it goes. There's reasons why we do or don't do something. The important issue is you went on the holiday. You can maybe discuss this with your therapist at your next session.
I'm sure he or she will say well done for going.
Don't be so hard on yourself. It takes courage to do something after a trigger. Well done! :yesyes:

[TaleOn11]

Maybe you didn't want to see your therapist pre the holiday for fear of some answers. Or you might just have thought you'd go and see how it goes. There's reasons why we do or don't do something. The important issue is you went on the holiday. You can maybe discuss this with your therapist at your next session.
I'm sure he or she will say well done for going.
Don't be so hard on yourself. It takes courage to do something after a trigger. Well done! :yesyes:

Thank you!

Yeah I should at least be glad I went. And yeah, you are correct. I was far too scared to discuss this fear with him, in fact I'm always scared to discuss certain fears. I should also mention I'm a near 29 year old male diagnosed with Autism who still lives with his folks and they were the ones who organised the holiday and they spent the whole week before the holiday getting prepared for it. Maybe I just didn't want to add more weight. That and I was also working three days that week, went to see my aunt on the Thursday and we spent Friday getting prepared and Saturday was the day we went.

[Carnation]

I think the fact that you were busy running up to the holiday was better for you. Stops you thinking too much!
If you had gone to the therapist, I think he would have encouraged you to go (you could discuss at the next session).
Discussing fears that you may have can be difficult and you might be afraid of the answers more than the fear itself. If it becomes a situation where it impacts your life then it makes more sense to open up.
Most of the time the answers are a relief giving you peace of mind.
We can be more aware of our fears when out of our normal surroundings but it doesn't mean you are less safe. You just have to convince your brain of that.

[TaleOn11]

True, I just have a tendency to ruminate and feel ashamed for not doing these things before.