View Full Version : 87yo Dad in hospital, I think it's serious
Just spoke to Mum, he went blind over breakfast on Friday morning and he's been in hospital ever since. They don't know what it is yet but Mum says he's saying really uncharacteristic stuff for him.
My head is spinning, I've been mentally preparing for something like this but I just feel so bloody helpless. Mum lives in a village and we don't drive, so I don't want to put more pressure on her by going down there. Also I'm scared witless by the thought of seeing him in that state, which is a huge source of guilt for me.
We're going out this afternoon, it's been planned for months but I still feel like a bad person.
Please help.
LittleLionMan
05-11-23, 10:45
So sorry to hear this.
Just please don’t beat yourself up for anything, and you know where I am if you want to chat or vent. Look after yourself.
Thank you, I really appreciate it.
You are in shock at the moment. My mother is 95 and we’ve spent the last 2 years going from calamity to calamity. Each time the shock hits like a hammer. No matter how much you prepare yourself mentally, it still hits.
Its a common used saying, but he really is in the best place to help. Keep us updated. Huge hugs :bighug1:
Thank you, Darksky. Will update when I know more.
You're not a bad person BlueIris and I think sticking to your planned day is the best thing to do, whether you feel like it or feel guilty. There's nothing you can do at this particular stage and you probably need to get your head around it all.
As for seeing him in that state, I can totally relate to that, it's not being selfish, it's something you just can't cope with at present. :hugs:
Thanks, Carn. I think Darksky's probably right and I'm in shock; my brain feels in another place entirely. Managed to get showered and put my clothes on, and I'm heading out in a minute.
Well, sort of managed. Got out of the house and found my Tshirt was stained and I forgot my bus pass, but I'm still on the way.
My sister just texted, he can see again.
I'm so sorry to hear this awful news Blue, though delighted to hear he can see again!!
I agree with what's been said to you already, there is little you can do other than show your obvious concern. And yes elderly parents are a big worry, I've been to see my 94 year old Dad this afternoon at rehab. He seems to have a UTI again, not making any sense. Water once again out of his reach, mashed potato fallen in his lap from a previous meal.
I'm so sorry, Fishman, that sounds dreadful! Can you put in a complaint at all?
Just want to send positive thoughts. I saw you're having a blip and this can't help getting over it. I just want you to know I understand. My Dad is 89 and while he's doing Ok, he's certainly had his challenges that last 20 years. My sister lives close and she has been checking in on him and spends time with him (he's in a retirement apartment facility) I talk to her regularly but when the phone rings and I see it's my sister, my heart skips a beat because I think she's letting me know my Dad is in trouble. I lost my Mom in 2017 and it really is a matter of time for my Dad. I get it. It's hard but we'll get through it.
He was 89 on July 23rd and we had a get together at my sister's home. We asked him what he wanted for his 90th BD and he told us he wants a big party with all his friends and family attending :winks: We talked today and will make sure it will be a BD to remember if indeed he's here with us to celebrate :yesyes:
FMP
Thanks, FMP.
Reality's finally hit and I've gone from feeling spacy to feeling incredibly shaken.
On the bright side, I faced a major fear tonight. It's fireworks night here, it turns the local kids feral but I still got the bus home and got off at my normal stop even though it was right next to their bonfire.
Was hyperventilating by the time I made it back to my door, but I've saved the cab fare and I'll get to spend it on something nice for myself instead.
That news from your sister about seeing again must give you a little relief BlueIris and hopefully a more peaceful sleep than you were previously expecting. :hugs:
Fishman, sorry to hear about your dad in that condition again. It all sounds so familiar to me. Try to get him on the cranberry juice.
FMP, your dad's 90th will be a birthday to remember.
It’s horribly familiar to me too Mrs.C. :weep:
My mother told us on pain of death that we were to ignore her 90th. She was adamant she was only 49. Still is 49 actually:winks:
That sounds a bit more positive Blue, with his sight. I hope he’s home soon. Well done on facing bonfire night. It can be a nightmare. I once knew someone who’s husband saw service in the army. This time of year bought on his PTSD.
Yes treat yourself. Rewards are brilliant, I use them a lot.:hugs:
It's so horrible darksky :hugs:
Thinking of you BlueIris and sending lots of love :hugs:
Thanks, all.
Very bad night last night between the stress and the noise outside, not especially looking forward to work today.
You've got this BlueIris :hugs:
I have. My boss is aware and empathetic, I'm going to plod along and then go home and sleep ;)
I'm sure you'll sleep better tonight BlueIris :hugs:
YoullNeverWalkAlone
06-11-23, 09:51
Hi Blue, I can certainly relate to what you are saying, I’ve lost both my mum and dad and you worry so much about them.
Your dad is in the best place and they will get to the bottom of it all and get him sorted..
Can also relate to what Fishman said, my dad had dementia and was in a home for respite for my mum, we went up one morning to see him and they had given him strong sleeping pills the night before, he was sat at the table with his head in his breakfast and dirty clothes on, he couldn’t stay awake...we brought him home and he never went back there again.
FMP... I’m sure your dad will get to 90 and you’ll have the biggest and best birthday party ever, he sounds like he can’t wait...
Thanks, YNWA. It's complicated by the fact that they've been emotionally abusive my whole life, so I have a ton of mixed emotions.
Mum is also exceptionally dependent on Dad, which is worrying in and of itself.
How are you feeling now Blue? It's an anxiety inducing time for you, but it sounds like you're doing well. Do you mean they have been emotionally abusive to you, or to each other? Forgive me if that's an intrusive question.
My Dad is now on ABs, so hopefully they will bring about some lucidity.
No, it's fine. They were emotionally and occasionally physically abusive towards me, and I was terrified of them well into my thirties.
Even today, Mum didn't let me know Dad had his sight back, and it makes me feel so unwanted within the family.
Hope your Dad picks up soon.
I'm really sorry to hear that Blue, that's awful :hugs:
I'm kind of at peace with it now. Just spoke to Mum, and she's being more honest with me now.
I'm sorry Blue, that's really hard.
I hope your father is okay and continues to improve.
Thank you, Poppy.
Today's update: still feeling like a truck hit me.
That said, I had a couple of successes. Accidentally got myself properly caffeinated before a session with students, fully over-energised and jittery, then realised my handouts were outdated and inaccurate. I kept my cool, and since it was my first session with the group I changed it to a troubleshooting session instead, going around sorting out their individual tech issues one-on-one. It was a real success.
Then, this morning I finally finished a beading project that's been on my mind for years; I transformed a Roman-era bone cabochon my husband gave me into a wearable necklace.
Hope everyone's doing well.
Sorry to hear about your Dad, I hope he is comfortable & feeling better.
So many feelings fly around when our parents are sick, but it doesn’t sound like your Mum needs you, so I think you are fine to stay where you are. Does your sister live closer to them & do you have a better relationship with her?
Just keep breathing through it, I know it’s incredibly hard xx
That was a quick thinking and clever idea with the work session BlueIris :yesyes:
I was going to ask about your beading, whether you were still doing it. I think it's important to have something like to go to in times such as this, to refocus on something productive and a distraction.
Scass, I have a brother and a sister who are very close by; I'm sort-of in touch with my sister but not my brother.
Carnation, thank you. Still beading, plus work is helpful even if it tires me out.
It's a different type of tiredness than stress or worry. It's the sort of tiredness that is more beneficial for sleep.
You've got a great talent there, keep it going. x
WiredIncorrectly
07-11-23, 10:14
Hey Blue. I hope you're ok. Stay strong, and allow your emotions to flow. Sending you a big hug :bighug1:
Sending hugs right back. I'm tired and sad, but hanging in there.
Reality's finally hitting, I think, especially now I've finally established lines of communication. I'm calling Mum every day and she seems to appreciate it.
My sister messaged me last night to explain Dad had a series of mini strokes, possibly caused by a heart problem. Mum told me he's insisting he's coming home today, but he's really not. Worryingly, he's asked for his iPad so he can order a new car (he worked at Vauxhall for decades, he gets a new hire car from them every year). I really hope somebody intervenes on this, if not, it'll have to be me, I guess.
Depression has hit me like a truck, and it's getting increasingly hard to get out of bed in the mornings, much less get to work.
When you first posted about your dad and the blindness my immediate thought was a stroke, but I didn't want to frighten you BlueIris. Mild strokes in the elderly can happen without even noticing sometimes and normality can resume. However, sometimes it leaves a slight dementia. This happened with my mum. One minute should be perfectly normal then she'd make a comment about something that didn't make any sense or revert back to the past. There is a test that can determine all of this but it doesn't mean your dad can't go home, as long as there is someone around to be there with him. :hugs:
I've been told by two of my siblings that there's not a chance in Hell he's coming home today because of all the tests they still have to run, Carnation. Honestly, stroke crossed my mind, too.
I'm just seriously worried about the idea of him driving now.
I don't think he will be able to drive now blue. For his safety and others. It's possible he might have had previous mini strokes and got lucky. His age goes against him too. You can recover fully if it's a TIA and you are generally in good health. They say 3 months. I know because I've had one myself. You also can't fly abroad for 3 months. Not saying your dad would be in that position.
Getting back to your dad, my opinion is that they will want to keep him in hospital for a while. To assess him, do tests, make sure he is capable of being in his own home. I'm presuming your mum is healthy but there is the age thing to consider. But it's not uncommon for your dad to be sent back home, even with an elderly spouse. It might be a strain on your mum though. It's a lot to get your head round. I would say take it one day at a time and see what the doctor says first. At least you have an explanation now.
You're right. :bighug1:
Honestly, I'm just drained from the worry of it all.
You will be BlueIris :hugs:
There's nothing you can do for now, it's a waiting game.
So do the best thing by looking after yourself for now.
Let the thoughts pass, because no doubt all sorts of thoughts will be popping up. It's all natural. :hugs:
YoullNeverWalkAlone
08-11-23, 11:33
As Carnation says Blue, you will feel exhausted, it only natural, your playing the waiting game and that’s draining, once your dad as been assessed by the doctors and been given the all clear with advise on what happens next, you’ll then know which direction your going in, it might be a slow process or may happen quicker than you anticipated but until that time comes you can’t do very much except looking after yourself and giving your mum support if she wants it.
You will get through this Blue and so will your dad...:bighug1:
You're right. :bighug1:
Honestly, I'm just drained from the worry of it all.
I would be surprised if they sent him home, but also not that surprised due to NHS levels. My Dad had a mini stroke too but had to stay in for a couple of weeks & so physio. Whereas my OH’s Dad has a mini stroke and was out in a few days. So I think it really depends on how well he can manage to look after himself.
I think it’s fine to let him plan to order his car etc, whatever gets him through the day. My Dad was terrified of going to the hospital & refused loads of care and ultimately it made him sicker.
I’m glad you can talk with your Mum and your sister.
Get lots of rest, worry is exhausting. Xx
Thanks, Scass.
Had a chat with my boss this afternoon and explained that my concentration was shot and I was struggling to work at my usual pace. She was very understanding, so that was a huge relief.
Try and get plenty of rest Blue and good on you for letting your boss know. Is there any leeway for having a few days off? Although I know with me it's sometimes better to keep going to work to keep my mind busy, sometimes some time out helps.
Honestly, I don't want to eat through all my annual leave.
Very tearful this morning for some reason, and I'm glad we're heading towards the weekend.
Trust me, you'd be worse off at home, and alone.
You need to save time off for necessary times and of course, respite.
You will be tearful because you are thinking of the situation and what's to come.
All sorts of emotions will flow and as you have empathy you will feel everything!
Sending you a hug :bighug1:
Sending hugs right back, Carnation.
I'm okay, just wiped out. Planning a nice night out for tomorrow, at least.
That will be good. It's important to keep as much of your normal routine as possible.
These situations can tend to drag out, as others will also say.
BrokenGirl
09-11-23, 10:40
Hi Blue, I just came across this thread now.
I'm really so sorry for what you're going through with your dad. With everything that's happened and the emotions it's after bring up, it's no wonder you're feeling exhausted and drained.
As other people have said, be sure to look after yourself as much as you can right now. That's all you can do.
My dad had a mini stroke a few years ago. Frightened the life out of me but he got over it very quickly. He lost sight in one of his eyes one day and went to the doctor to get it checked out. He did get the sight back in his eye but it took a few months (can't remember exactly how many). And he couldn't drive for a few months either. But he's good now and I've no doubt the same will happen for your dad.
You will get through this but it can be very difficult while it's going on
Sending you big hugs :bighug1:
Thanks again for the kind words.
He's out of hospital now; I spoke to him last night and he sounded just like his old self. The relief is absolutely immense.
All the local family and friends are rallying round to help him get to appointments, and while I can't pretend he didn't mistreat me or do some pretty hefty emotional damage, I'm thankful he was always a pillar of the community because it means he has a great support network now.
That is good news! A big weight of your mind. Try and relax a little and enjoy your night out.
That's brilliant news! Probably unexpected. So the doctors must be more than satisfied.
My dad was the same. He was very much liked in the community and had a circle of good friends but for me there were, shall we say situations of unnecessary rage, so I completely understand how you feel.
When my dad became poorly I thought nothing of stepping up in the daughter duty role and found him extremely grateful. He was still my dad and I felt great empathy for what he was going through. I think there was some peace between us eventually.
For now, you can breathe an emotional release of worry and 'what ifs' BlueIris, even this episode has brought you a realisation of his situation of growing older and probably released a mixture of emotions, you have learnt to cope and deal with it. Always here for you. :hugs:
YoullNeverWalkAlone
10-11-23, 11:37
Brilliant news Blue, now you can relax and breathe again and just help out if and when you can, could turn out to be a blessing in disguise :bighug1:
I'm very pleased to hear that Blue. Hopefully things can settle down for you now, or at least as much as is possible when living with anxiety.
Pleased he’s home Blue xx
That’s great news Blue. And how are you feeling?
I've had a bit of a breakdown, I think, constantly queasy and headachy. Have been going quiet because I tend to withdraw at times like these.
It's the aftermath of it all BlueIris :hugs:
Blue :hugs: Thinking of you.
I think it's just the backlash from the recent stress Blue, carry on with what you normally do to help with anxiety and it will pass. :hugs:
I have noticed over the last few years that we definitely cope with adrenaline in the stressful times, but a few days later all the physical symptoms appear. This too will pass x
Thanks, Scass. My period's decided to continue past a week, so that's obviously the focus of my fears now.
MyNameIsTerry
18-11-23, 13:42
I've only just seen this with being away, Blue. I'm really sorry about this happening but glad he has come out and there is a support network to ease the physical & emotional load.
My mum was in hospital for 2 and a half weeks in September. We were like zombies once back home. Being at the hospital 6 hours a day doing what we could (she wouldn't accept food or meds off anyone, although one brilliant nursing assistant managed a connection which we were very grateful for). It is very draining and it can hit you so that you find yourself in slumps but you will get through it.
It's made even harder by the complicated emotions of the past but I think you will find your way through it. From what I know of you on here you are someone, who whilst you may be more the type to go inwards, you want to take things on. You've got courage. And cut yourself some slack because anyone would be the same. It's because you have a caring nature that it hits you, an uncaring selfish person wouldn't feel your emotional workload.
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