Jimmy M
07-11-23, 19:48
Hi everyone, I haven't posted on here in over 6 months as things were going well up until a few weeks ago.
I was diagnosed with an anxiety disorder when I was in my late teens some 30 years ago, although it stemmed back into childhood but was dismissed at the time by doctors. It came with some severe bouts of depression and bad depersonalization / derealisation. I was prescribed anti-depressants which I have been taking for some 25+ years now, although I have switched a couple of times (switching process was horrendous but that's another story)
Over the years I have had intensive counselling / CBT and group therapy which has helped a lot, but I never really found a root cause for the condition as such. I didn't have a traumatic childhood as such but as a child was exposed to seeing a family adult friend who has bi-polar go through some very disturbing episodes and a big part of my anxiety has been mental ill health (dementophobia) which could potentially be attributed in part to this and some family history of mental health issues so could be in some part hereditary. As an aside, the first time I experienced full blown dp/dr was terrifying as I felt like it was re-enforcing my belief that I was getting seriously mentally ill. Very little was known or understood about it back then, particularly by GP's and I ended up having a fair amount of time off with anxiety and depression which was a really dark phase of my life.
I started a new job 7 months ago, at which point I had extreme anxiety / dp / dr as I had left my previous job due to overwhelming stress and it really damaged my confidence.
For the most part, after about a month in the job things settled down and had been ok up until recently. I havent had any sick days from work as such in over 12 years although I have had to leave a couple of jobs over the past few years due to the impact they were having on my mental health.
I'm not sure what exactly triggered this most recent episode but I suspect it was a combination of factors. I have spent a lot of time (too much) over thinking and trying to put my finger on exactly what the problem is as my brain is telling me that if I dont work out what it is then it will only just get worse and spiral out of control unless I fix it. Initially my worry was that it was this job or people I work with causing it which led me to catastrophising and definitely made things worse by intensifying my sensitivity and kick starting the dp/dr again. Then I start to feel anxious about the fact I feel anxious and worry I will get stuck in a never ending loop. I was visualizing ending up unemployed and stuck in the house for months trying to get another job and then going through all of the upheaval of starting somewhere new again.
I think it could also be the time of year for relapses, as have been reading some others posts over the past few days and it really helps just to know that I'm not alone in all of this.
It is mega frustrating as felt like things were going well but then I have lost count of the amount of episodes / bad patches I have been through over the years and have learnt to accept that I have this condition for the most part, and learnt ways to manage it as best I can. I always come out of the other side of it eventually and try to tell myself to ride out the storm and aim for the light at the end of the tunnel when things get bad like this, although being in the thick of it all again sometimes makes me loose sight of this. Some episodes are easier to deal with than others and can be over and done with relatively quickly, but sometimes (like this time) it's as if my sub-concious mind has decided that things need to get as bad as possible before I can bounce back.
The last couple of days in particular have been bad, my dp / dr at work this morning was horrendous. I felt empty / hollow and quite alien / detatched from myself and surroundings and my vision was like looking through a glass jar at times. It doesnt scare me as much as it used to, its very unpleasant but I have learnt over the years that the best way to deal with that aspect of it is to acknowledge it and let it pass in its own time as trying to fight it seems to just prolong it. The heart palpitations have been particularly bad as well this time.
I have been toying with getting some private online counselling from somewhere like better help if things persist or get worse. I have pretty much exhausted everything the NHS can offer. Just talking about it helps and even just typing this on here is helping.
Anyway I have rambled on for long enough, and thanks if you have read this far. Happy to chat and exchange tips with any like minded folk on here that want to :blush:
I was diagnosed with an anxiety disorder when I was in my late teens some 30 years ago, although it stemmed back into childhood but was dismissed at the time by doctors. It came with some severe bouts of depression and bad depersonalization / derealisation. I was prescribed anti-depressants which I have been taking for some 25+ years now, although I have switched a couple of times (switching process was horrendous but that's another story)
Over the years I have had intensive counselling / CBT and group therapy which has helped a lot, but I never really found a root cause for the condition as such. I didn't have a traumatic childhood as such but as a child was exposed to seeing a family adult friend who has bi-polar go through some very disturbing episodes and a big part of my anxiety has been mental ill health (dementophobia) which could potentially be attributed in part to this and some family history of mental health issues so could be in some part hereditary. As an aside, the first time I experienced full blown dp/dr was terrifying as I felt like it was re-enforcing my belief that I was getting seriously mentally ill. Very little was known or understood about it back then, particularly by GP's and I ended up having a fair amount of time off with anxiety and depression which was a really dark phase of my life.
I started a new job 7 months ago, at which point I had extreme anxiety / dp / dr as I had left my previous job due to overwhelming stress and it really damaged my confidence.
For the most part, after about a month in the job things settled down and had been ok up until recently. I havent had any sick days from work as such in over 12 years although I have had to leave a couple of jobs over the past few years due to the impact they were having on my mental health.
I'm not sure what exactly triggered this most recent episode but I suspect it was a combination of factors. I have spent a lot of time (too much) over thinking and trying to put my finger on exactly what the problem is as my brain is telling me that if I dont work out what it is then it will only just get worse and spiral out of control unless I fix it. Initially my worry was that it was this job or people I work with causing it which led me to catastrophising and definitely made things worse by intensifying my sensitivity and kick starting the dp/dr again. Then I start to feel anxious about the fact I feel anxious and worry I will get stuck in a never ending loop. I was visualizing ending up unemployed and stuck in the house for months trying to get another job and then going through all of the upheaval of starting somewhere new again.
I think it could also be the time of year for relapses, as have been reading some others posts over the past few days and it really helps just to know that I'm not alone in all of this.
It is mega frustrating as felt like things were going well but then I have lost count of the amount of episodes / bad patches I have been through over the years and have learnt to accept that I have this condition for the most part, and learnt ways to manage it as best I can. I always come out of the other side of it eventually and try to tell myself to ride out the storm and aim for the light at the end of the tunnel when things get bad like this, although being in the thick of it all again sometimes makes me loose sight of this. Some episodes are easier to deal with than others and can be over and done with relatively quickly, but sometimes (like this time) it's as if my sub-concious mind has decided that things need to get as bad as possible before I can bounce back.
The last couple of days in particular have been bad, my dp / dr at work this morning was horrendous. I felt empty / hollow and quite alien / detatched from myself and surroundings and my vision was like looking through a glass jar at times. It doesnt scare me as much as it used to, its very unpleasant but I have learnt over the years that the best way to deal with that aspect of it is to acknowledge it and let it pass in its own time as trying to fight it seems to just prolong it. The heart palpitations have been particularly bad as well this time.
I have been toying with getting some private online counselling from somewhere like better help if things persist or get worse. I have pretty much exhausted everything the NHS can offer. Just talking about it helps and even just typing this on here is helping.
Anyway I have rambled on for long enough, and thanks if you have read this far. Happy to chat and exchange tips with any like minded folk on here that want to :blush: