ricric
01-12-07, 04:29
Ok
So my therapy session was at 2pm, I started falling apart at 1pm. I kept crying and crying..(you know when you cannon control yourself?) I was like that. I got into the car to go there and I was just a jibberng mess!! I bought a bottle of water to take with me. My eyes were red my cheeks were black and my sniffling was ear deafening.
Got to the centre and parked up. Well by now I was like, am I going to be able to hold it together to tell the receptionist Im here and then make it into her office before I completely lose it? Answer =no!!!
I told the receptionist I was here and |I sat down. I then started to sob and cry so loudly!!! It really was so loud.
The Receptionist then went to get me some tissues and another one went to get my therapist. I was still unconsolable by the time my therapist came. she told me she was here and asked me to come with her. I did.
I got half way around the corner when I dropped to my knees and begged her to reconsider letting me off her books. She kept trying to get me into her office but my head was like mash...I was soo desperate. I threw my bottle on the floor and told her shouted at her that my life would be ruined unless she kept me on.
I swore I shouted I pleaded....The Anger, the panic, deperation was crazy. I was making so much noise and causing so much disruption I was told if I dont calm down they are gonna have to ask me to leave. I said Ok then I will %#^*ing leave!!! So I left
I got in my car absolutely fuming uncontrollably. I have only ever been this angry once in my life and that one time I ended up being arrested!!
I drove round the corner and settled down. it took about 10 minutes. I was debating whether or not to go back. I had made my feeling crystal clear. I decided that the only person long term I would be hurting was me!
I was very nervous about going back, I had upset a few people and no doubt frightened the living day lights out of some people!
I went and told the receptionist I was extremely sorry and that I was really disgusted with myself for not being able to control myself..
I was still crying and panicky I was worried I would be told that I was no longer welcome there and that I had over stepped the line ( I know I did). But my therapist simply invited me into her office and I went.
In the office I was calm but still uncontrolaably sobbing. I asked if I could stand by the wondow she said ok. I spent the next ten minutes talking to the yard andtelling her how upset I was.
She said she already knew how upset I was at my therapy ending and the five week break was out of her control. (she had shingles) and she had asked her secretary to tell me that she was contagious with it but no one did. She realised that I would be thinking all sorts ( had she been run over by a bus had she been bitten by a monstor) and she wanted to reassure me that it was ok she would make up for the lost sessions I will not be losing my sessions.
We then talked about my "anger" she informed that this had not been very active in the last 3 years and how she has only seen little bits of it, but that it needed to come out. Which it did. I was communicating my anger with my therapist and she said she already knew that the Ending was going to be really really difficult. Which made me feel good as she is the only person in the world who knows me completely and has never felt scared when I have peaked with my anger. She never felt scared-not that that was my goal. just needed to communicate how angry and scared I was about the ending!!
I m getting upset whilst typing this but it is very raw in me right now.
You know what else. I realised I am so worried about what other people think of me..As some of you may already know!! That iI remembered when I have been upset in recent sessions I have needed to blow my nose as you do when your upset. But when I blow my nose it sounds like I fog horn. So I have refrained from doing it. But not today everyone had seen the real me and they had not ran. They still liked me yeah a little freaked but they forgave me none the less..So I blew my nose as hard as I could and as loud as I could and I didnt worry about what m therapist might think.
I have been so snappy and frustrated and it has shown in all of my relationships. I never wanted to hurt anyone Im so so so so sorry to all the people that have been effected by my short fuse and inappropriate comments..All I can say is that it has not been directed at you. Its so much deeper that that! So please forgive me..
This has been the longest post I have ever written but It has feellike a weight has lifted of my mind. I feel like I can finally be me!!! Im not scared of what Im capable of anymore...
thanks for reading...thanks for caring...Thanks for being on this journey with me!!!!
So my therapy session was at 2pm, I started falling apart at 1pm. I kept crying and crying..(you know when you cannon control yourself?) I was like that. I got into the car to go there and I was just a jibberng mess!! I bought a bottle of water to take with me. My eyes were red my cheeks were black and my sniffling was ear deafening.
Got to the centre and parked up. Well by now I was like, am I going to be able to hold it together to tell the receptionist Im here and then make it into her office before I completely lose it? Answer =no!!!
I told the receptionist I was here and |I sat down. I then started to sob and cry so loudly!!! It really was so loud.
The Receptionist then went to get me some tissues and another one went to get my therapist. I was still unconsolable by the time my therapist came. she told me she was here and asked me to come with her. I did.
I got half way around the corner when I dropped to my knees and begged her to reconsider letting me off her books. She kept trying to get me into her office but my head was like mash...I was soo desperate. I threw my bottle on the floor and told her shouted at her that my life would be ruined unless she kept me on.
I swore I shouted I pleaded....The Anger, the panic, deperation was crazy. I was making so much noise and causing so much disruption I was told if I dont calm down they are gonna have to ask me to leave. I said Ok then I will %#^*ing leave!!! So I left
I got in my car absolutely fuming uncontrollably. I have only ever been this angry once in my life and that one time I ended up being arrested!!
I drove round the corner and settled down. it took about 10 minutes. I was debating whether or not to go back. I had made my feeling crystal clear. I decided that the only person long term I would be hurting was me!
I was very nervous about going back, I had upset a few people and no doubt frightened the living day lights out of some people!
I went and told the receptionist I was extremely sorry and that I was really disgusted with myself for not being able to control myself..
I was still crying and panicky I was worried I would be told that I was no longer welcome there and that I had over stepped the line ( I know I did). But my therapist simply invited me into her office and I went.
In the office I was calm but still uncontrolaably sobbing. I asked if I could stand by the wondow she said ok. I spent the next ten minutes talking to the yard andtelling her how upset I was.
She said she already knew how upset I was at my therapy ending and the five week break was out of her control. (she had shingles) and she had asked her secretary to tell me that she was contagious with it but no one did. She realised that I would be thinking all sorts ( had she been run over by a bus had she been bitten by a monstor) and she wanted to reassure me that it was ok she would make up for the lost sessions I will not be losing my sessions.
We then talked about my "anger" she informed that this had not been very active in the last 3 years and how she has only seen little bits of it, but that it needed to come out. Which it did. I was communicating my anger with my therapist and she said she already knew that the Ending was going to be really really difficult. Which made me feel good as she is the only person in the world who knows me completely and has never felt scared when I have peaked with my anger. She never felt scared-not that that was my goal. just needed to communicate how angry and scared I was about the ending!!
I m getting upset whilst typing this but it is very raw in me right now.
You know what else. I realised I am so worried about what other people think of me..As some of you may already know!! That iI remembered when I have been upset in recent sessions I have needed to blow my nose as you do when your upset. But when I blow my nose it sounds like I fog horn. So I have refrained from doing it. But not today everyone had seen the real me and they had not ran. They still liked me yeah a little freaked but they forgave me none the less..So I blew my nose as hard as I could and as loud as I could and I didnt worry about what m therapist might think.
I have been so snappy and frustrated and it has shown in all of my relationships. I never wanted to hurt anyone Im so so so so sorry to all the people that have been effected by my short fuse and inappropriate comments..All I can say is that it has not been directed at you. Its so much deeper that that! So please forgive me..
This has been the longest post I have ever written but It has feellike a weight has lifted of my mind. I feel like I can finally be me!!! Im not scared of what Im capable of anymore...
thanks for reading...thanks for caring...Thanks for being on this journey with me!!!!