I just need to vent/whine/panic

[.Poppy.]

I’m having a rough day and I just need to kind of scream into the void.

Several months ago, my boss approached me about a job opening that he thought I’d be a good fit for. It became apparent that I would need to do some things to apply, like send in my resume and whatnot, but it’s actually an open call and I’ll be up against other applicants.

There are things I would need to learn, but I really think I can do this and do it well. I already do some of it anyway. But all I can think is that I’m going to pale in comparison to the other applicants and I’m going to lose out. I’m going to have to move out of my little office and give it up to the new person. It’s all going to be so disappointing and embarrassing.

I really want/need this to work out - I don’t really have any other career trajectory and frankly I need a bump in pay especially as my pets are seniors now and their vet costs are rising. I’ve felt kind of low recently anyway and I’m terrified this is just going to be another setback, another thing to make me feel kind of bad about myself.

Anyway, just needed to vent. I can’t really talk about this to anyone in person as I find the whole thing kind of embarrassing.

[BlueIris]

You've got this, I promise!

[Catkins]

You can do this Poppy!

[.Poppy.]

Thanks, I sure hope so!

I plan to apply next week, so I’m trying not to let it dampen my weekend. I have to get references together and that’s kind of scary, but I can’t imagine that any of the people I’m thinking about would refuse to serve as a reference.

I do feel in a lot of ways I’m a really strong candidate, and my workplace has a history of hiring people who they know will be a good fit culturally and training them up. I’m just worried some other amazing candidate will end up applying. And the the stakes are a lot higher than just being disappointed. So that’s scary.

But, one thing at a time I guess. I’ll never know unless I try, and what will be will be.

[fishman65]

Poppy, what I would say is just be yourself and that will be enough. I've always admired your steely determination, it will carry you through :hugs:

[Carnation]

Poppy, your boss wouldn't have suggested it unless he thought you were in the running for the position. Have faith x

[.Poppy.]

Thanks fishman and Carnation. I guess there's nothing more to do than throw my hat into the ring and see if it sticks. I'm trying not to "what if" what will happen if I don't get it. I guess I'll figure something else out. I think it's just hard feeling sort of stuck and not sure what the path "out" looks like.

I'm going to try to get my cat an appointment at the vet's tomorrow (another stressor I'm trying to take day by day). I'm hopeful they'll have an afternoon appointment, as then I could take the afternoon off and finish up my cover letter and contact my references, so that hopefully I can get my application in on Tuesday and...just wait.

I had a good weekend though. Lots of time outside, walking my dog and listening to the birds. It's nice to be able to get out a little.

[Sparkling_Fairy]

Oh such classic imposter syndrome!
I got promoted to manager a few years ago and for months I felt like the kid sitting at the grown ups table, and that they all thought I was a fraud and wondered how I got the job!
One of them off the cuff told me a few months later that he so felt I deserved that promotion and that I built such a great brand for myself and everyone was really pleased for me.
Goes to show we just never believe in ourselves, and think other people see us as far less than they do.

Your manager clearly thinks you're up for it! I bet dollars to donuts you are amazing at your job and just don't believe it yourself!

[.Poppy.]

Thanks, Sparkling_Fairy. I definitely relate to the imposter syndrome. I know I'm really good at my job, and I'm confident I could be good at most aspects of the new job, but I won't lie there is a lot of "could I be good enough for this?" that creeps in.

I woke up this morning with probably the worst anxiety I've had in awhile. Very nearly had a panic attack. But bit by bit I put myself together and went into work. I asked my list of people if they would be references and 2/3 have said yes (and I anticipate #3 will also agree). So that's awesome! I'm planning on finishing my resume and cover letter tonight to apply formally tomorrow.

I have such nice periods where I feel totally calm, interspersed with the anxiety. But that's the nature of the beast I guess. It helps to post here a little bit too, just to get it out, so thank you to all of you lovely people who are willing to read my babble. :hugs:

I also took my cat to the vet this afternoon and got some steroids and some cream to try. The vet said there were a few different things she thought it could be, but none at this point were serious, which is good. She thinks he may have allergies since his ears are itchy too. It was a relief to not just get bad news.

[.Poppy.]

Well, I think I'll find out this week if they plan to offer me an interview. I'm hoping they'll at least offer me a pity interview, but I'm not sure. My stress has been really high, but I've hit the point several times where I'm just numb to it and shove the thoughts out of my mind. It's a coping mechanism, even though not a very good one.

I did get outside quite a bit today, which was nice.

[YoullNeverWalkAlone]

Hi Poppy, good luck this week on getting an interview, I’m sure you will ace it, best girl for the job..:flowers:

I think sometimes we do get to a stage like that and we think Oh to hell with it, what will be, will be, it is a coping mechanism but not necessarily a bad one, when we think that it relieves some of the tension.

Glad you managed to get outside yesterday, fresh air really does help xxxx

[Carnation]

Pity interview? That's not the poppy I know. If you want the position then show them you want it. :hugs:

[Sparkling_Fairy]

It would never be a pity interview! It will always be an interview because you would be great for the job!
Ugh interviews are so stressful. I know it! But I always try to look at it, as if I don't get this job at least I'll have had the experience of going through the interview and those are extra skills under my belt for next time. That takes the pressure off a little bit.
You'll do great Poppy! Your boss would never recommend you if he didn't think you'd be great at it

[.Poppy.]

:) Thanks, all. I do think I’m qualified to at least deserve and interview, and I know it takes time to set stuff like that up (especially as I know some members of the committee have been traveling). My anxiety brain can just perfectly picture my boss telling me they aren’t going to interview me after all, so I have to tune that guy out.

The dragging out of the whole thing is the worst, really. It feels like when your boss pops in and says “can we have a chat at the end of the day?” Except for it’s totally open ended and therefore gives me ample time to work myself up. :roflmao:I guess this is a prime time to put all of my coping strategies to use.

[.Poppy.]

Well, after much waiting, I have an interview next week. :wacko:

I have no idea how many candidates they are interviewing. I have no idea what will happen after that. My mind honestly goes into a flurry of panic, and I have to force it to stop it and just take one thing at a time.

[Carnation]

Poppy, you have nothing to lose. Just be yourself.
I know the buildup is the worst but on the day just take it in your stride and what will be, will be.
There's no need to put pressure on yourself, remember you were asked to put yourself forward for this. You've got this. :hugs:

[YoullNeverWalkAlone]

Hi Poppy,
Good luck next week but honestly you won’t need it, like Carnation said just be yourself, if you do that you’ll beat the pants off everyone else cause your such a lovely person and very talented. Go for it with the belief the job is yours and a positive attitude, your boss believes in you and thinks your talented enough, now it’s up to you....xxxx

[.Poppy.]

Thank you, Carnation and YNWA. You’re both too kind.

On the one hand, since it is in my own office, I’m afraid about it being awkward or disappointing if I don’t get it for a lot of reasons - for past positions we’ve had candidates come in and meet our office mates so I wonder if that will be weird?

On the positive side, being that all of the hiring committee knows me, they know I’m a hard worker, fast learner, and that I would fit in well. Ultimately I think it will come down to whether or not there is a candidate with more experience that would also be a good fit socially, and if my current boss and the chair are willing to help train me (I think they are, though).

But what happens, happens. I’ve got other things I’m looking forward to in the coming weeks (haircut, family visiting, visiting a friend for a long weekend) so I’m trying to focus on those as best I can. And taking things one day at a time and making things as easy as possible on myself - I have a bunch of easy meals to cook, comfort shows at the ready, etc. So we shall see.

[Pkstracy]

good luck Poppy

[fishman65]

Yes good luck Poppy!! And I have to say how much I admire you. You're a gutsy young lady with a never-say-die attitude. :hugs:

[fishman65]

Pkstracy, what a pretty lady your Mum was. I'm so sorry for your loss :hugs:

[Darksky]

Don’t worry about any awkwardness in the aftermath. It very probably won’t happen. I remember going for an internal job with someone I knew in ‘ in house’ as it were. She got it because of her superior experience and I worried it would make things awkward between us. It didn’t. I just said well done and we got on with work.

Have confidence in your abilities, be yourself, portray calm and confidence . Good luck, we are all rooting for you.

[.Poppy.]

Thank you PK - I am also sorry for your loss and agree with fishman, she looked like a lovely lady.

Thanks, Fishman. I don't often feel very gutsy, but then I think that is probably even more a sign of true bravery - if you're not afraid, what reason is there to be brave? I think about that with Chisum a lot; he's probably the bravest dog I've had, because so much scares him and he often pushes it through it anyway.

Thank you, too, Darksky. Whatever happens, happens at the end of it all. My boss was up for an internal promotion a year or two ago and they selected someone else; it was a little awkward but we got on. If I am not selected, I think I'll see what restructuring looks like for my current position (supposed to be a pay raise, but we will see and how much) and if I'm not satisfied, I'll start applying to similar positions elsewhere. I did a quick search today and it looks like there are several similar positions elsewhere, and remote as well.

Either way, it will be nice to just have it over with. This has been dragging on for months in all and that's exhausting, but apparently not uncommon in higher education.