conflict spoils my life.

[hopeful]

At the moment I'm feeling great,probably due to the citalopram.I can think clearly and I know that arguments/conflict/stress all cause my anxiety to go sky high and make me feel very ill.
Even now I know that if there was an argument today between members of my family or people at work I would feel bad for about a week.I use meds,practise relaxation,do breathing exercises,read self help books ,use rescue remedy and rock rose.
Anybody know how I can change the way I react to arguments? They scare me so much.I feel that if I can crack this I'll be better.Theres always arguments,I cant change that,I just want to change my reaction to them.They terrify me.Any suggestions please?
Julie x:wacko:

[Lilith1980]

I hate arguments too, I end up "catastrophising" (sorry if I spelt that wrong) and end up with the mentality of thinking the world is going to end.

I think one way of looking at it is, that arguments are healthy. Obviously not if they are happening excessively. But arguments are good at getting things off your chest and out in the open. I dont think relationships would be healthy without arguments.

Its impossible to agree with people all of the time and its impossible for them to agree with you. Its not a slur on either party its just the way life is - it would be so dull if we all thought the same and liked the same things.

Is it arguments that you're involved in or is it ones you observe that frighten you? Or is it both? I think either way, the above principals are the same for both situations.

[PUGLETMUM]

:) hiya, i grew up in a house/family that was constantly at war,so i dont have a phobia of conflict:yesyes: but i know people who do and it is very difficult to deal with, because you dont know where you stand with them alot of the time. if your behaving in a particular way to avoid conflict then you will change who you really are.

however i dont feel the need to have conflict at all and actually i dont think it is needed one bit! all arguments are is one person trying to convince the other that they are 'right' - what a waste of time:wacko: you cant change peoples minds about things, you have to respect that they are entitled to think whatever they want, and so are you. when you feel like this arguments are just a complete waste of energy and life:yesyes: much better to just accept people the way they are:hugs: and if they pick a fight with you, well let them, dont get defensive and you can soon see who really has the problem, not you! i do understand the fear of it, but i think if other people are falling out and your not involved its a shame your worried, but i would suggest this is just a symptom of anxiety - life feels precarious when you are anxious all the time, when you feel you are on firmer ground this wont bother you so much?

[hopeful]

Thank you Lillith and emmas for your replies.:hugs:
All arguments scare me.Even if I'm not involved,I am still scared.I always think it will turn into violence and that someone will get hurt or worse.
When its my boys arguing I think that my younger son 14 will end up with no self confidence as his brother 16 picks on him quite a bit.When my husband,their step dad complains about my sons I feel scared then too in case he ever hits them,which he has never done in the 7 years I've been with him.If I get into an argument I always end up shutting up cos I fear that if I carry on the other person may hit me.
This may seem like nothing to worry about to others but to me it is spoiling my life.I wish I could get rid of the fear but dont know how.I wish someone would say 'all you have to do is this and then you wont be scared anymore' but I guess there's no 'cure'.
julie x:shrug:

[sagey]

I don't like conflict and arguments either. Haven't had any bad ones recently but in the past I used to find that I could reconcile myself to them if I did a kind of re-enactment afterwards - just by talking through it out loud(when no-one else is around) and justifying to myself the causes and outcome, deciding if it was founded or unfounded. At the end of my deliberations I could draw a conclusion( bit like a court case) and draw a line under it. Then in future if any argument was brewing , I'd just tell myself I'll analyse it later and that way it seemed to take the heat and tension out of the situation and help me remove it from troubling me unduly.Hope I'm making sense here.

[mirry]

Im like this too , I always presumed it was because of my childhood,

i was in between my parents fighting and almost killing of each other !!!

Im sure this is why i get down and anxious about any conflict at all, even if im not involved.

:hugs:

[hopeful]

Thanks Sagey and Mirry for the replies:hugs: .
Sagey I do analyse them,thats why I feel bad for so long afterwards I think,I cant get them out of my mind.
Mirry I think you're right about past events causing the fear.Only today have I thought its because when I was 19 [now 52] my dad had a row with my brother[16] and on the night he wouldnt let him in the house.My mum took an overdose later that night and was dead the next morning.I have never talked about her death,never had any counselling etc. and I think that is where my fear comes from.We cant change the past I knowbut I'd love to be able to get rid of this fear.Arguments ,especially family ones can lead to someone being killed or taking their own life.Anyone know where I could get help in getting over this?
julie x:shrug:

[PUGLETMUM]

:ohmy: i would guess(i dont think you need to be a psychologist to work this out) that this is 100% where you got your fear. that is a very very traumatic situation,so obviously it would cause problems of one kind or another - i mean even if there had been no conflict surely you would have 'issues' of some kind when a family member commits suicide? and for that person to be your mother! i think you could possibly do with getting some help to sort out your fears/feelings which are probably caused by that traumatic event in you life? tc emma:flowers:

[hopeful]

Thank you Emma for your reply.:hugs:
Have you or anyone else on here any idea where,how or who I should approach for help with this? Please dont say my gp,he doesn't seem to understand me,just dishes out pills and wants me out of the surgery as fast as possible.Do you think Cruse could help,I know they are bereavment counsellors but dont know if they could help me with my fear?
Any ideas anyone please?
julie x:emot-questioned: