View Full Version : Hi from "MessedUp"
Hello everyone. I've been agoraphobic since childhood (I'm now 40) with specific avoidances of being in audiences or being a passenger (which limits travel somewhat!). I've always been uneasy about being 'trapped' in a situation that's out of my control. Top nightmares would be fairground rides or air travel. I've managed ok, with avoidance.
For some time now I've been a bit uneasy at bedtime, wondering if I could get panicky just because I have to keep breathing (however daft that sounds).. just having to keep going seems frightening, and I even can't help thinking it would just be easier to do away with myself - not that I would.. it's just irrational thinking when anxious. Until recently it was enough to tell myself off and think of something else, something nice. My escape route would be to get up and do something to take my mind of it (probably down to gulp some wine and watch some TV or something), but I never had to.
All that changed on Sunday night when the panic went too far.. I tried to fight it by not getting up... by facing it (like the An End to Panic book says) and this just meant I spent half the night wide awake feeling like my life was over and things would never be the same again.
Even in the morning, in the shower, I felt terrible, and didn't know whether to go straight to medical help or go to work and take it from there. I was so anxious I was shivering - I still am when I think about it. I went to work and then to my doctor later, and she listened to my story, including my long saga about my unfulfilling marriage, and she figured I was depressed (but I can still laugh!) and anxious - a good candidate for the pills... she gave me a prescription for Sertraline, saying it wasn't addictive.
When I realised these pills were Zoloft I looked them up in my panic book and looked around online. Wow, those side effects look hellish scary, and far too likely! And it takes hours to have any effect, and weeks to really improve anything? How do I cope in the meantime?!
I can't believe pills are the answer. I've struggled to battle this for two nights now, I just want to be able to relax and get some sleep.. but I'm lying there shivering and can't sleep unless I'm exhausted. I'm finding enough to distract me at work, and can doze off in my chair here (great job huh?!) but the nights are bothering me. I'm not scared of panics as such, it's just acute anxiety and the thought that I've lost it.. let myself down.. it's full-blown anxiety/panic disorder now... I can't cope.. might have to live on dodgy pills forever. At one point last night I realised "this is what I've been dreading all these years and here I am - it's not THAT bad" (apart from the shivery dread) and that calmed me for a while ... "I can cope! A bit!".. but it's no cure.
The book says distraction isn't the answer, you must face the panic, get used to it and then you won't fear it. I reckon it's better to do whatever works for you!
Will I ever get back to normal? Are pills the answer? The book says avoid them as much as you can - deal with the problem. What if I get side effects I can't stand and really go off the rails?
I'm so scared and needy now, I feel like a broken shell.. I'm so desperate I've even decided to give my marriage another try (not the best reason to, is it? I feel a bit mean about that) but it is great to know I'm still loved and there's someone there for me. I really should make the best of it, even if I do still have unresolved yearnings for a deeper 'connection'.
I spoke to my Doc again today to see what she'd say, there must be something less risky I can take to calm me down, no? No, she said, I could have beta-blockers (tried them before, didn't stop me panicking), or try Valerium tea or St.Johns Wort! It feels like she wants to drug me up and make me wait weeks for a referal to trained specialists - there's a waiting list of several weeks) I still don't know if I can face the side-effects risk unless I'm totally desperate. And what's the point if morning (and bearable normal routine) comes around sooner than the pills kicking in?
She said she'd prescribed Zoloft to many many people over recent years (more fuel to my "drug 'em up!" fears) and horrendous side effects were far less common than I'm afraid of.
It's fear of fear, I told my workmates. Afraid that I'll get too afraid, a vicious circle that escalates rapidly to panic. "Wow," they said... "fear of being afraid? You're *really* stuffed!" :wacko:
Do I take the pills? Do I trust medical science?! What does it feel like? Would I still be able to panic? Help! (much appreciated)
:) you sound quite similar to me, in the length of time youve suffered. id say its the agoraphobia catching up with you? thats my theory on why i went through what your experiencing 8 months ago. like you i didnt/wouldnt/couldnt take meds adn turned to people instead,like your doing with your husband. i think you could probably do with having some therapy, mine helped me to see all the 'thinking errors' i was making, which given my life story and the fact ive struggled for many many years with 'fear of fear' is understandable.
you willbe able to get through until you get help, the anxiety will go down,and i would say your book is correct - distraction is just a trick - somehting will happen to trigger a panic, distraction is no cure - so i would say just accept the anxiety and panic, try not to watch for it to go,keep reminding yourself what it is - the panic cycle, not madness!!! you will be okay. i was there and now im not, and you can still laugh and be depressed. i never ever lose my sense of humour but i lose the will to carry on,and i cant see how im ever ever going to be better and that is depression, which is different for everyone anyway, but when you come out of it is sometimes when you realise you have been depressed. also anxiety can be a symptom of depression and vice versa - but dont worry, you are not going to be depressed forever. i would also recommemd you go to 'uncommonknowlege', where you will get really good unfo about depression and see that there are things you can do,all the best emma
Hi Emma, thanks for the reply (btw I'm male, I kept it ambiguous at first so people wouldn't judge me about the marriage situation...! Sorry)
I really don't fancy a full blown panic attack, and to be honest I'm not sure if I've ever had one as bad as other people seem to. My previous panics have been a horrible out of control feeling, panicky raised heart-rate, and a sick to the stomach feeling where I'm all tensed up in the belly which makes me bend forward groaning almost helplessly. If there's no escape (there usually isn't otherwise I wouldn't be panicking) then I just have to get used to this feeling and it subsides. Sometimes is just goes when I think it's not too bad... sometimes it goes a bit then comes back again, in waves... sometimes it stays bad for what seems like an age - that's the one I fear most!
I think that all started as a kid when my dad used to drive fast over the brow of a local hill and we'd go weightless briefy - "watch out, you're going to lose your tummy" he'd say. As the years passed I 'lost my tummy' more and more in the back of the family car, just by being there, in the end. Everything else stemmed from that, I reckon.
More recently, having read more about phobias and anxiety, having attended a course (that got me nowhere) and having met others in the group, it's like I learned more ways to suffer! Since then I've sometimes had near-panics like a horrendous sense of dread and impending doom, going cold with the hairs on my back on end, a sinking feeling that I'm about to lose control, lose my mind, go mad, get stuck in a panic I'll never get out of - so far it's been such a horrible thought that I've somehow snapped myself out of it.
And in the last few days, the panic hasn't *actually* happened, but I've been so worried about it that I can sustain a highly anxious state of fear, shivering with it, for hour after hour while waiting for the clock to come around to the time I can get up and live normally. Seems like I can bear it, but not relax anywhere near enough to get back to sleep.
But, whether I panic 'fully' or not (I don't know, compared to others), I'm still experiencing the same intensity of fears and anxieties as the rest of you, I think. I still need to find a way to stop the instrusive thoughts building up to the panic point.
And I'm still wary of the pills. Having looked around here, so many people say they're still anxious on them! I don't know what to do. There's a local support group meeting in the next few days that I've never been to before, so I'll pop along and see what they say. I need to hear success stories to believe there's a way out of this, it all seems so hopeless at the moment. When you start to dread lying in bed in peace and quiet, there's something woefully wrong! What happens next time I'm ill and can't get out of bed?! I'm shivering now just thinking about it... I can't see how I can avoid those £$%&* pills, and that's a nightmare... :weep:
Hi,
Welcome to the forum, you will get a lot of good advice here and make some new friends
Take care
Trac xxx
thanks... I wish someone would tell me whether to take the pills or not! :D
I can't see how they'll stop me thinking silly thoughts and calm down enough to sleep...?
groovygranny
12-12-07, 18:58
Hello M.U. :welcome: to you!
I don't think anyone here is really in a position to tell you whether to take the pills or not - medication can affect people in quite different ways, purely because everybody is different. But, you really won't know whether they will particularly help you or not until you maybe give them a try.
My own experience with medication was that ,yes, for the first couple of weeks I thought that I was actually getting worse rather than better - but I had lots of encouragement from a friend who was also a GP and I'm so glad I stuck it out. I only had to take medication for 6 months and, coupled with counselling, it enabled me to feel bette thus allowing me to tackle the issues that were causing my anxiety in the first place - and ongoing process I might add!
Fairground rides and air travel - woah! think I may have the air travel conquered now (still dislike it but can manage short flights !) but oooh, not the rides!
Anyway, glad you found us here - pleased to meet you!
:flowers:
honeybee3939
12-12-07, 19:07
Hi
Welcome to NMP, its lovely to see you here, im sure you will get some great advice, support and make new friends too.
Love
:hugs:
Andrea
xxxxx
nomorepanic
12-12-07, 19:25
Hi and :welcome: aboard.
Has the GP offered you any therapy or counselling to help. You could ask for some CBT as that is very good.
Hi all, thanks
GP said I didn't seem to panicky (I was fairly calm in the surgery, it was nice to spill my life story to someone, and she's not my usual doc) so I'm not sure she's that concerned.
CBT always sounded like too much hard work for my specific phobias that I'm fairly happy avoiding, but if I'm going to be generally anxious like this it may be worth it. Trouble is, there's a 6 week waiting list for any specialist help.
I hate the feeling that I'm on my own with this at the end of the day - a good supportive forum is a great find but in the wee small hours alone in my thoughts it's entirely up to me whether I feel calm or I'm shaking with anxiety. How much would I give for a magic pill one-off total cure?!!
I hate feeling like my life has changed from relatively in control, to.. I'm now a victim...this defines me... I'll always be the saddo who's scared of his own company... maybe a lifetime on pills isn't so bad after all - if someone could convince me they work!
Pink Princess
13-12-07, 01:43
http://www.zwani.com/graphics/hello/images/12.jpg
welcome to the site hope to see you around xxxxxxxxx
hi and welcome to the site we all understand tc elaine xxxxx
That was an interesting night. I felt really positive in the evening, having read various pages here. The hypnotherapy page was inspiring, it helped me believe this is a temporary condition I can climb out of. I don't feel so totally helpless now. I know I can cope, even if I get shakily anxious. Last night I didn't feel shaky at all, went to bed, slept peacefully and managed to get back to sleep a couple of times. With my planned escape route of getting up or reading, there was nothing to fear.
Then along came 5.30 and I started worrying again. I was too groggy to remember all the positive thinking techniques, and ended up shaking again. On with the lights, and I tried reading a newspaper. I knew I just had to distract myself. That's what anyone healthy would do, isn't it? You feel anxious, you do something to calm yourself down - why not? Stands to reason.
Then I started worrying that I'd done so well but I wasn't there yet. I know I have to realise I'm not well at the moment, but I can make it... but it seems such a mountain to climb. It worried me that I had to make such an effort to distract myself. I was too worried to concentrate on reading. It came and went as I finally managed to read things, and the shaking came and went, but it still upset me that I was in this state and had to wait an hour until everyone else was getting up.
However, although it still wasn't great, I wasn't losing my mind and cowering in a corner unable to face being alive. If I can carry on like this, one day at a time, I can get there. My mind needs to believe I'm safe, and it will heal. I'm going to investigate hypnotherapy today (see what's available) and see if I can be helped to speed up reprogramming my mind to accept more positive ways of thinking so I don't get stuck in the negative loop that leads to such anxiety.
I'm also coming to accept that I am depressed - or at least if I wasn't before I certainly must be now! And so, maybe it wouldn't be so terrible to accept that I may need chemical help from those pills. There's no shame in being ill and needing medicine. I'd much rather have the strength of character and resolve to make it through on my own, but we'll see. I'm still scared of the effects, what it will feel like, whether it will work or not.
But at least I'm feeling slightly more positve, there are still options available. Still not looking forward to tonight though, the thought of trying to distract myself from.. say.. 2.30 until 6.30, stuck in bed, would be horrible. Maybe it's a good excuse to buy myself a laptop to play with! Then along comes a negative thought - what if there was a power failure?! Hehe, you've got to laugh at this condition, for every ray of hope there's a potential problem!
One day at a time. Stay positive. It will pass. I could end up fine for the rest of my life, I could have relapses, I could be nastily ill, I could lose someone, all manner of things *might* happen. But that's the future, and no-one knows. This though, this torture. is right here right now. And that's all I've got to deal with - the present moment. The future will take care of itself. And if it's just our feelings, we ought to be able to keep check on them. If we can sit at the computer and use this website, it can't be THAT bad can it?
We can do it!
groovygranny
13-12-07, 09:25
Hi there M.U.
Well, I think you've quite possibly answered all your own questions there!
I didn't want to take medication, but my doc told me that if I broke my leg I'd have to have it plastered in order to keep it still so it would heal - so why should the mind be any different? That totally convinced me to go ahead with my meds and, like I said previously, I only needed them for about 6 months.
I consider myself a 'success' - purely because I am nothing like what I was 2 years ago when I very nearly ended up in the psych unit of the local city hospital.
You are spot on in taking one day at a time - there was a time when I had to take it one hour at a time. But, the secret is to push and motivate yourself just enough to not over do it, and that can be difficult when faced with all the racing, fearful, opressive thoughts (tell me about it!) - but it can be done. This is what my medication helped me to do. But, you'll make mistakes and sometimes think you're taking a step backward - when all you're doing is stepping sideways if you keep those positive thoughts uppermost in your mind. And, this site is fantastic for keeping you 'focused' - in my experience anyway. Please feel free to PM me if you'd like to chat, as I have a bit of a reputation for writing novelistic posts sometimes lol !!
Take care, you really are doing great you know - even if you don't feel as though you are!
:hugs:
Thank you so much GG, you're very kind. I've just had a useful chat with a local hypnotherapist, but unfortunately she's going away for Christmas. I might try another though. She said the pills are probably worth doing if I'm in such a state at the moment.
Darn, I'm getting shaky again just thinking what a difficult case I'll be for a hypnotist! It seems such an uphill struggle.
woohoo.. I've managed to get an appointment with a friendly hypnotherapist tomorrow morning, which seems so close I haven't felt so hopeful and calm for ages. I'm aware of expecting too much, but I believe in it at this point and that's enough for now!
He says it's very common and he's dealt with loads of cases like mine, which sounds promising. And if it doesn't help, then I'll do the pills and wait for the waiting list to work its way around to me.
One more night to go...
I'm sitting here feeling absolutely 100%, and almost nothing's changed! Except for one important thing : hope.
Think about that one for a moment and realise how powerful it is. If (bear with me here)... *if* you truly believed someone could tap a magic wand on your head tomorrow and all your anxieties and phobias would vanish and you'd be a wonderful new confident and calm version of you - you'd be so full of hope that you'd probably be fine all day today and all night.
Yet that magic cure is still a day away and you're still the same person right now.
Funny how the mind works isn't it? Fear of the future makes us anxious right now, and hope for the future makes us calm right now. And Right Now is all that matters really.
If I can get stuff like that solidly drummed into my subconscious, it's all going to be fine!
Lindalou64
13-12-07, 14:08
HELLO AND WELCOME LIKE GG SAID WE CANT TELL YOU TO TAKE PILLS OR NOT BUT AS A AGRAPHOBIC FOR 19 YRS I DO TAKE PILLS IF IT HELPS WHY NOT.I CAN WORK NOW AND ECT ...YES ITS FACING THE FEAR BUT I ALSO KEEP MYSELF BUSY TRYING TO DISTRACT MYSELF FROM THE MONSTER.WE ALL HAVE OUR OWN METHODS I GUESS....BUT I LOOK AT IT THIS WAY DO WHAT EVER IS BEST FOR YOU IF THE PILLS HELP WHY NOT IF THEY DONT THEN DONT BOTHER WITH THEM.I WISH YOU THE BEST AND YOU ARE DEF NOT ALONE ON THIS............LINDA
Thanks Linda. All the best to you too..
I'm going to keep this message short (after all the long ones I've posted) to prove I can, LOL
(I'm going to keep using this thread as my journal, even if some people will probably ignore the introductions forum and so never see it. Even if no-one wants to read it, it's helping me... thanks! Hopefully one day I'll be better and maybe it will inspire someone somewhere someday)
Well I've learned something new tonight - if it's true. I spent a couple of hours talking to someone very experienced with tackling OCD and phobias, and I told her everything. It turns out that the anxiety, panic and phobia stuff does indeed mean I'm depressed, even if I didn't realise it and still manage to face each day with a smile and laugh easily and don't feel overly 'down' as such.
The anxiety/panic I'm facing now is the depression showing up in its own way. It's an interesting theory that has surprised me, but it kind of makes sense. There are things that have been weighing me down in recent years now that wouldn't explain the longer term specific phobias but would certainly explain why I'm in my current mess.
If that means it's Pill Time, then so be it - sounds like I'll benefit a lot (if I get away without nasty effects). She said it will lift my mood and make things seem easier, and if there are any effects... that can be dealt with, even if I end up in the emergency room! Heck, I'm almost sold already.
I'm going to tough it out tonight, try reading if it gets bad, or just get up and leave the house at 3am if I have to :D and try the hypno tomorrow. Then if that doesn't change anything, I shall be entering Medsworld, like it or not. Time to face it like something more substantial than a mouse. I'm ill, I need pills - it could be far worse; I could have lost limbs in an accident or something.
I've also got a possible way to fast-track getting the local Psychology dept to see me and assess my needs, which could be helpful. Oh well, here comes tonight's attempt at sleep... if only I'd had less than 6 hours last night I'd be more exhausted now, LOL
.. and another thing.. the fear loop I get stuck in is coming from negative thoughts - which certainly sounds like depression doesn't it?
hi messedup your realy doing well keep it up keep thinking positive all the very best tc elaine xxx
Hi MessedUp,
Welcome to NMP.
Good luck with the hypno, I hope it helps.
I have tried lots of different antidepressants and the only advice I can give is that if you do go ahead and try them u must give them a chance. They can take 3 -4 weeks to start having an effect, it will be a rollercoaster ride in that time with highs and lows in mood and side effects which differ for everyone. They aren't a miracle cure either they will help with your feelings of anxiety, not get rid of them entirely.
Your anxiety seems quite similar to mine, agoraphobia, fear of not being able to get out of a situation or of having to get out of a situation! Like me you also seem to find it hard to make decisions, should I, shouldn't I take the meds.
I am not sure if the meds will benefit you, noone can be sure. Have you tried taking a benzo like diazepam? They are addictive if taken over a long period of time, but if you take them every so often they aren't, they are very effective and have no awful side effects. I also find the fact that I know I can have one sometimes is help enough! You should speak to your GP.
I hope I have been of some help.
Rick
Cheers Rick, it always nice to see people taking the time to comment.
It's like I'm having to relearn how to deal with my feelings at the moment. Am I really cold or is it the anxiety making me shiver? Does this tense excitement inside mean I'm anxious ,or is it to do with something else that occurred a moment ago? Am I hungry or that that nausea? Sounds silly doesn't it?! But that's how it is.
One thing that I have learnt is : if you need to do something and you're slightly anxious about it BUT NOT A LOT... then JUST GET ON WITH IT! If you've done it before then you can do it again.
Last night I stayed here in the office (no PC at home at the moment) until 10.30, just putting off the change of situation. As I went to the door to head outside.. slight dread.. but I faced it anyway and it was fine. Walking through the streets... fine. Will I be ok driving? Uneasiness.. but it was fine.
Halfway home though, and that stupid idea come back. I have to keep going... there's no escape. PRESSURE!! Keep breathing, stay alive, do this, do that, relentless remorseless pressure until the sweet merciful release of death (or at least that's what I felt last time) or I get drugged up to my eyeballs to stop me! This time though, I knew that those panicky feelings about having to keep breathing whether I liked it or not.. are replaced by the panic. This seems like a major realisation. Once panicking, the thing that started the panic is no longer the source - the panic is now being fed by itself, and that's where my focus shifts to.
And the magic realisation is : the panic isn't that bad! It may be worse for you (if so I apologise, please don't make me feel guilty!) but the worst I've got so far results in feeling very shaky, a sense of doom and hopelessness... just... FEAR. And I know I've been there, and dealt with it, and put up with it for hours on end AND STILL managed to function as a person. I've lied in bed shaking, I've got up and felt shaky and hopeless and scared and still managed to shower, dress and drive to work. So, although I don't want to feel like that again, it no longer scares me as much as it did. I've felt its worst, and I'm not letting myself be bullied by it again! (I must point out here that it's the anxiety panic I mean - the panics I get from specific phobia situations affect me in a different way that I still dread - but that can wait for now)
I could carry on like this for years if I really had to, so it's not making those pills seem attractive. I'm hoping I'll get used to it and come out of the depression on my own first.
I got home fine, busied myself with 101 chores and household routines, had a bite to eat and watched some TV. I still wasn't hugely keen on going to bed, so I stayed up until about 2am until I was falling asleep in my chair.
Maybe now I'm tired enough to sleep, I thought. Off to bed then, and now I'm wide awake! "I don't panic any more, I just shake" I told myself, and that is bearable. Stuff this, I thought, if my life becomes very strange and I do odd things at odd times, so be it. Whatever it takes. If I get up and dressed again, and go out for a drive at 3am, who cares? With this escape route in mind, I felt ready to relax enough to sleep. Except I was shaking so much... but after half an hour of that I figured it was genuine cold and put on a fleece as well, which helped. I slept right through until the alarm, felt I'd passed a significant milestone, and headed off to work with a smile and sense of achievement. A hug from my loved ones was good too.
Heading straight to the hypnotherapy (because I was too late to go to work for 15mins first) I felt so much hope, it was a pleasure walking in the freezing (but dry) streets, and through a beautiful park on the way. I felt calm, alive, hopeful.
I arrived at the hypnotherapist's with an open mind, ready to believe in it and go along with whatever it takes....
"I don't panic any more" - that's my mantra now!
The Hypnotherapy + EFT
( EFT : http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Emotional_Freedom_Techniques)
I turned up willing and ready to accept I was going to be helped, prepared to go along with anything. This is vitally important. If this sounds scary in any way, let me reassure you it's no more scary than sitting somewhere peaceful just talking to someone friendly. It's THAT simple! Someone talking to YOU, about YOU, to help YOU - heck, that attention alone is worth it :D
The EFT seemed a bit odd, tapping a series of points on myself in a sequence while repeating things he was saying. He knew the right things to make me say, because I found, much to my surprise, that I just couldn't say certain positive things about myself. I folded up emotionally a bit (entirely normal, I was reassured) and struggled through tears and a wobbly voice to say what I needed to say. And sure enough, I felt different (who wouldn't, after letting out stress like that?!).
It highlighted that I was a perfectly normal human being like everyone else, entitled to a calm happy life, doing my best. It's like a pat on the back (and for going there and trying to help myself) which is always welcome. Acknowledging your insecurities and letting it all out with someone can't fail to make a difference!
EFT - who cares if it's a trick - even if it's just a way to get your emotions unbottled, and little more than a distraction on your own - if it works for you, that's a useful tool.
Next - hypnotism...
...I wasn't even aware I was in a 'trance' at all (because I either wasn't or it didn't feel like it...) Most of the time I was thinking "this isn't working, I'm not relaxed enough, I can get up and walk off" BUT this is all there is to it. Just go along with it. You're simply having a talk (one-way or dialogue) while your eyes are closed and you've been helped to relax a bit. You don't feel asleep, groggy, or anything; just calm, and focussed on doing what he/she says because you're happy to go along with it. There's no 'implanting of ideas' you wouldn't want, you can remember everything, you're fully aware of what's happening. You simply go along with it like a normal conversation with someone you trust, and find (without even trying) that you're entirely focussed upon what's happening to you, with all the outside world noises far away in exactly the same way as when you're deeply into a film or TV programme, or talking to someone in everyday life who is holding your attention 100%. Nothing more scary than that.
That's it! I was disappointed in a way, because I'd expected some sort of altered state or 'trance' (that's a heavily loaded word which raises silly expectations). But he assured me I had responded well (easily done, you just do what you're told and let him do what he's experienced enough to do).
Simple as that. A chat with your eyes closed.. which somehow bypasses the normal decision making part of your consciousness and goes straight to the subconscious. At the moment that's open to some doubts because I've had no therapy conversation while 'under', he was just introducing me to it this time. So I have to go along with it and believe it for now, although it seems very little has happened. I can see why some people think it's rubbish and doesn't work for them - at the moment it seems like a bit of a trick relying upon me to simply believe it's going to work. But I shall see, next week. If it's just a bit of a trick to get you to talk honestly to someone who knows how to put a positive spin on things, so be it.. but it certainly can't hurt - and I think I'm going to discover what's really causing me problems deep in my subconscious and be helped to think about it differently.
I have a CD to listen to each day, and the EFT to work at. I'm sure that will help me, even if it's just a distraction method.
I walked back to work on a high, laughing, emotional, happy that I'd unbottled a load of emotion, someone cares (even if I'm paying for it!) and the world seems a brighter place. There ARE people who can help, I'm not going to get 'stuck' in a nightmare, I can get better, and I'm normal (but with a problem... that can be investigated and probably fixed).
I made my way through the park with tears of relief in my eyes, knowing that deep down it's probably just the pressures of life, responsibilty that's all got a bit much for me, and my mind needs a rest, a reset, a restoration of balance... etc.
I'm looking forward to next week's second session, and feeling postive that I can get there ok.
If you want to try this yourself, find a therapist you feel comfortable and relaxed with, who is friendly and you're happy to let them help you. If you're happy to talk about how you feel, and trust them, you'll probably get a lot out of it. Do say exactly what you feel, be honest, give him/her 100% information to let him/her help you and explain things. If you feel nothing really happened, say so - and it will be explained. Don't leave with unanswered questions, unless it's what normally waits for a follow-up session. A good therapist will make sure you're happy with what's happened, and should probably offer (as mine did) to answer any queries by phone if you need that before the next appointment.
State of play
I feel like I understand what's happening to me, and why.
I think the source of the underlying stress is still there but lessened, and I'm working on it on two fronts (improving a relationship and getting therapy).
I feel the symptoms of that stress are lessening.
I feel I can cope with those symptoms.
There is hope.
I've gone from horror, dread and desperation to feeling positive... in a matter of days.. with the help of caring fellow human beings, and that's very heartwarming. If all goes well without resorting to those pills, I'm going to feel so smug and strong I'll be unbearable, LOL
ta for the forum!!
groovygranny
14-12-07, 23:16
Way to go M.U. !
What an enthralling post - I don't mean in an 'entertainment factor' way, although you do have a knack of keeping the attention of the reader! And this is what is so encouraging - as you say in your own words you have gone from being totally despondent to being positive and hopeful in a matter of days. Well done you!
You could have this thread moved to either the Success Stories or the Therapy forum if you so wish ?
I'm sure this thread is an inspiration and encouragement to all those who read it - no matter where they are in their journey on the road to recovery.
Thank you for sharing with us.:blush:
And keep posting!
:hugs: :hugs: :hugs:
Many thanks GG, if I truly am 90% there already, then... yes... I hope my story does serve to inspire people. I've still got my specific phobias which give me 10/10 on the anxiety scale when I panic in situations I can't get away from, but this week's Adventures in Anxiety seem to be a different thing which is getting quite bearable.
Looking back at the events of Sunday night, I remember things hitting 8 to 9 out of 10 for brief moments (where 10 for any time would be a state of climbing the walls wide-eyed PLEASE GOD HELP ME!!), with some sustained 7 or so, but usually lessening to around 4 to 6 which for me is a state of feeling very anxious, shaking with it, but remaining in full control of moving about and functioning. Now that I know I can put up with long periods of up to 6-7 if I have to, I don't feel I'm likely to go higher than that - and that's enough to stop me getting that bad (or worse). I have the means to distract myself, and I believe the depression is lifting too.
Last night I was watching TV and my mind kept wandering... I couldn't help thinking the rest of my life was going to be one long battle to stop thinking about it, a constant effort to distract myself - would I have the mental strength? Well, not only is that unlikely (because this is just a passing phase and when I'm less 'depressed' and generally feeling happy and contented I simply won't be thinking negatively like that) BUT I think we all know that when you're starting to panic you certainly have enough motivation to do anything you can to snap away from it!
The evening went well enough, I headed to bed at midnight feeling tired enough to sleep. I had enough power of positive thinking to get me to nod off.
BBC Radio 4 is a fabulous radio station, I have to say. My bedside radio is quietly on all night long with comforting voices, and any time I need distraction I simply concentrate on what's being said. The shipping forecast is a bit dull though! My wife has been sleeping downstairs to give me freedom to sort myself out (more on that later, hehe) and to avoid being disturbed.
4am. Wide awake and anxious within moments, reaching a tolerable 4 out of 10, no shaking, but not far off it. I took a sip of water and toyed with the idea of doing the EFT ritual. But then I remembered something I'd read here about breathing correctly when lying on the stomach, so I turned that way and propped my head up off the pillow with my elbows supporting me. Aware of slow breathing from the stomach area rather than the chest, it settled down to a 2 out of 10 which is too much to get me off to sleep again, but no big deal to put up with.
At this point I discovered with some delight that 2 / 10 is enough to support... shall we say.. blokey thoughts that we like to 'amuse' ourselves with. I shall say little more on that one (draw your own conclusions) but whether we act on those things or not it certainly is a pathway to eventual relaxation and sleep again... *innocent*whistling*
So then I slept like a log, woke a few times and went back to sleep again, woke at 7ish and lay there awake but drowsy, perfectly relaxed while the family rattled around downstairs to go out early somewhere without me. Even when I awoke later at 9.30 I was so happy to feel comfortable in my own bed with my own thoughts again, I stayed there until 11am enjoying the lazy lie-in. This must mean I've cracked it at last (no euphemism intended, LOL).
Now that I'm in a position to rate anxiety on the scale to 10, I realise that very often in life we spend a lot of our time at somewhere around 0.5 to 1 without really realising it, but you certainly notice the difference when it falls to nothing. I worked in an office once where whenever the background noise of the air conditioning fell silent we'd all be aware of the sudden drop in stress level as we all relaxed just that little bit more (someone else remarked upon it and there was general agreement). I suppose it's not to unhealthy to spend so much of your life with that constant level of background stress but I can't help wondering whether it all builds up in the long run. It can't be that good for a person, surely.
Before I got up, I was aware that I was around 0.5 at least (hardly bothered) and decided I ought to practice the EFT tapping ritual. Sure enough, after a set of five of those I was so bored I was yawning and back at 0 / 10!
0/10 is a great place to be. And it's unlikely to lead to sudden increases, because when you're that relaxed and calm, the negative stuff is so much less likely to pop into your mind. Too busy letting the mind chill out and gently wander around pleasant avenues of thought - the happy state I thought I'd lost and never get back to.... I'm so glad to be back.
It's been a lazy day, happy at home (great progress compared to being anxious about going back there from the office) and happy to head out and about. I drove around for a bit, did a spot of shopping and popped in here to the office.
I have a slight trembly shake right now although I only feel about 1/10 anxious, so I think it's just the cold (it's only 15C in here, and my legs are definitely cold so that explains that).
I realise now that things were heading in the wrong direction a days before all this kicked off. I had one morning when I was stuck at traffic lights with a very noisy vehicle behind me, and I had to lean over and pretend to rummage for something in the glovebox to avoid a panic. This is usually something I'd cope with fine, so it shows how my stress levels were rising last week. I've also had a suspicion over the years that I panic more easily after a bad night's sleep, and hardly at all when I'm well rested and happy. So there's a lot to be said for the stress and anxiety levels affecting the way our minds work and bring on the vicious circle of panic when more you're stressed and more likely to wonder about it.
Enough for today.... take care everyone ... and de-stress your lives as much as you can!
Wow, great inspiring story there, fantastic news. Will give it a try in the New Year. Good for you!!!
Thanks dink - yes, if you can afford it then it's well worth a try. Frankly I sometimes feel I'd give my life savings and sign over the house to be totally at ease with managing anxiety! (Damn, I hope I don't say that to him next time I'm under, hehe). Good luck
Yes, it's all about managing anxiety. I can see now that when a sudden noise starts up then I jump (internally at least) and get a surge of adrenaline which feels like anxiety has leapt up to 5 / 10 for a moment. I'm sure that's normal (maybe less than 5 perhaps) but most people realise it's not a threat and relax again immediately. With this disorder though, if the noise is still there then negative thinking comes into play and it sets off a cycle of worry and anxiety that can lead to panic if I don't deal with it appropriately.
That's all it is : over most of my lifetime I've responded incorrectly to perceived threats and I'm not allowing normal anxious responses to die away. This is where I have high hopes that hypnosis, CBT, NLP or willpower and positive thinking would be all it takes to give me the skills to learn to deal with irrational thoughts correctly at last.
It's only feelings, after all. I haven't been in control of my feelings, which sounds a bit daft but it's just a phase (it should be just a phase if you deal with it). What goes hand in hand with feelings? Emotions. Hmmm, that's ringing a bell somewhere... I'm always been a bit over emotional. I can imagine a lot of unresolved emotional stuff is going to be revealed as the hypnotherapy continues, and I really believe it's going to help.
I'm still getting 2/10 anxiety about what triggers me off - I worry about my breathing. There's nothing wrong with it, but the thought keeps popping into my head that I have to keep on breathing and I can't escape from that. That's pretty silly, and I know it's irrational because breathing is perfectly pleasureable, and you're not even aware of it when you're relaxed or focused on doing something. I've managed most of my 40 years on this planet without it being a significant problem, as has everyone else, so there's no reason why the rest of my life should be a problem with it.
It's just a worry. Worrying is so self-defeating it's simply not worth the time it takes to think those things. Worry causes anxiety, anxiety heightens the worry, and round and round it goes until you break the chain and distract yourself. So why worry in the first place? I need to constantly reassure myself that I'm in control of my worrying, I can stop it by thinking about something else and the worries will be pushed aside and down comes the anxiety level until I'm so relaxed that the worries stay sulking somewhere in the back of my mind until the next time they feel like having a go. And the more I push away those bullying worries, the longer they'll leave it between trying to needle me, and eventually they'll have no power over me at all and give up.
For now I'm still worrying about why I keep worrying about it though! :D
This is where therapy, or just practice, time and patience come to play.
I need to get used to one simple fact, and let it sink in well and proper : Anxiety level 0 (out of 10) - totally relaxed - is a truly wonderful place where I don't worry about things and the breathing issue simply doesn't arise. All I need to do when I find myself worrying about it is to distract myself, apply calming techniques until I'm relaxed, and then I'll be fine. Then I worry about how long I can stay relaxed before the next time I worry again... but once you know how to rescue yourself down to 0/10 again then you just get bored of it and think about other things, feel in control and normal, and you know you can cope.
I still think there's work to be done on myself (therapy) but it's great to feel hope. And in the back of my mind I know that if I get myself into a terrible state again, I have mental tools to get me down the reasonable levels again, and from there down to a state of relaxation again... BUT.. if I somehow found it didn't work I could still get myself to the local hospital emergency room somehow and there would be ways to deal with it... even if pills were the only way it wouldn't be as bad as a life of panic. It's never as hopeless as it seemed in my darkest hours a week ago - and knowing that is wonderful for heading towards inner calm.
Why should I worry that the rest of my life might all be about coping? Does it matter, so long as I do cope? Again, just stop worrying and everything's great.
I think I've written down enough here to keep things on track for myself - I'm going to condense it down and print it out to refer to in case I ever feel I can't cope. Just reading all this again should remind me that I managed this time, so I can do it again.
I will keep on adding stuff here... catch you later
Southern_Belle
16-12-07, 16:10
Hello and welcome to the site. Many here have felt like you do and you will find that you are not alone.
Hugs,
Laura
ta Laura.
So far so good. I had long periods last night of hardly thinking about it, caught myself now and then thinking "hey it's been a while since I thought about it!".
No trouble sleeping. I feel totally normal today, but with some occasional 1-2 / 10 anxiety. Now though, as soon as I realise I'm feeling slightly anxious, I seem to be able to instanty write if off a feeling that can go if I relax a bit, and I'm not automatically worrying about it getting worse. I'm now just wondering what I'm feeling anxious about, like anyone else would.
It's like "hey, there's some anxiety there - it'll go in a minute" and then I move on. I can't tell you how brilliant that is!
I had a hospital appointment today. The waiting room was interesting, loudest music I've ever heard in what are normally peaceful waiting areas - I had to sit there through 4 or 5 songs with the bass pounding through my head and wondering whether I'd have to get up and take refuge in the toilets! All that time at about 5 / 10 anxiety, but I managed it. Distraction works well. If I can apply what I've learnt this week to my other phobias, it's going to transform my life!
Then came time to have a small tv camera threaded up my nose in a tube somewhere between the sizes of thick and thin drinking straws. Tickled a bit... an odd feeling.. but I got to watch and see my own vocal chords! Strange experience indeed :D
No, they didn't find anything odd, thanks for wondering, although I have some xrays to look forward to at some point.
Slight setback
That'll teach me to get too confident too quick. I decided to try half an inch of wine last night... for medicinal purposes.. as a controlled reintroduction to the stuff. Whether it was a coincidence or not I don't know, but I was wide awake at bedtime (I slept ok the night before, that's probably why), and started silly "what if" questions.
Dwelling on "What if.." worries is a bit like poking your self in the leg with a sharp knife. It's just going to end up hurting! And can you imagine if a slight twinge of pain in your leg got worse if you thought about it? Up and up goes the pain, too bad to walk on within moments... the more you worry the worse it hurts... and suddenly you're screaming in pain? Good job that doesn't happen - but that's how anxiety seems to work. So why couldn't I stop myself?
I worried about the hypno not working, a lifetime of trying to keep my mind calm, endless nights awake until the small hours doing anything it takes to relax me... maybe further panics.. well it's self defeating isn't it?
I ended up at 5 / 10 at 1am, shivering, knowing I could get up and be ok, I could do some EFT perhaps, but I couldn't be bothered for some reason. I just lay there toughing it out and felt pathetic instead.
Yet it wasn't too bad. So... gradually I worked my way through all the positive thinking stuff I thought had sunk in (last week) all over again. I ended up thinking "I can cope until the next hypno".. and realised that if that's four days away then basically I can chop the end off that sentence : "I can cope".
Just coping isn't great when you want a cure, but it's still good compared to the alternative of endless miserable, lonely, hopeless, helpless panic!
In the end I found a way to get to 0 / 10 (don't ask!) and got at least 3 hours sleep. Today it all seems silly that I didn't try to calm myself down sooner, and it's hard to believe a tiny amount of wine had anything to do with it. It was my thoughts that did it - does a tiny dose of a depressant like alcohol really influence my thoughts like that? Do I have to stay sober for good? That would be annoying because I enjoy a social drink and I've used it many times to calm me down in stressful situations.
I'm thinking positive, it was just a minor setback, perhaps I needed it for some reason, perhaps I needed to face it and deal with it to remind myself that I could. Perhaps the underlying depression hasn't been dealt with enough yet (the start of hypnotherapy proper should help, hopefully - I've only had a brief introduction so far) - perhaps I know I'm kidding myself about having sorted out things that were worrying me.
I feel fine today, maybe 1/10 here and there because I'm disappointed with myself. But.. even if I face a lifetime of struggle to relax enough to sleep, I'll manage somehow. The anxiety isn't much fun but it least it's not horrendous.
"Hmmm... what if it gets horrendous?" ... LOL :D
chucklehound
18-12-07, 11:00
hi and welcome to nmp:)
ta Chuckle.
Interested to read joannap's comment elsewhere (thanks!) : "the reason you feel so terrible and are having depressed thoughts is due to the increase of adrenalin - nothing more - apparently it makes us think in black and white such as "this is never going to go".
- that's quite a helpful angle to look at it from. When I'm 'stuck' at 5/10 and shaking with it I sometimes find myself wondering if it's worth carrying on like this - so I can identify with that.
It certainly seems brighter at the moment - it just seems like I have destructive thoughts and all I have to do (!) is stop thinking them. That's the crux of it, even if it feels a bit too difficult at 3am when I'm shaking. I need practice with the distraction and need to recognise when I really SHOULD be 'bothered' to calm myself down instead of just putting up with it because I'm too tired to make an active effort to relax.
There's also the fear that it could all get worse, although thankfully I genuinely believe it's been as bad as it will get - and I've survived :yesyes:
Maybe that's because I haven't had to resort to my Last Resort backup plans (the pills, a trip to casualty to demand help (as if!), different therapies). If I'd tried everything and still felt totally alone and helpless with it, that could feel far worse. I think that's why I put off trying to help myself sometimes - afraid that if I try something and it doesn't work it will leave me feeling even more powerless.
But it's my feelings running away from me... no-one else can do a great deal about it - only I have the power to learn to reign them in and keep control. So I'm going to resolve to catch myself when I'm anxious and do whatever it takes to calm myself as soon as I can.
Fairly good evening yesterday, I seem so well in the daytime that I'm now thinking of it as my Night Terrors - this is to reinforce the safety I feel when I'm up and about, so at least I get a break from it by day. Then all I have to do if get comfortable about the nights.
Got a bit anxious once in bed, but managed to calm myself down with some EFT tapping. Didn't even have the radio on for once, or resort to the Gentleman's Remedy.. and got a normal night's sleep. I just need to focus on lovely warm thoughts and it shouldn't be too bad.
I've always been so happy to lie around doing nothing. I've always thought being locked up in prison wouldn't be too hard, I'd daydream the time away, happy in my own thoughts. Or weeks in traction in a hospital bed, etc. That's why it was so horrible to find I wasn't comfortable with my own train of thought any more - that oasis of calm seemed to have vanished, never to return.
But it's still there. I can think positively and regard bedtime and my chance to escape - to lie in peace and let my mind wander to all the gorgeous places it wants, with all the wonderful people I can imagine - my own private fantasy time. That's all still there - no stupid anxiety problem is going to steal that from me.
Another way I'm looking at it is this - it's a temporary adrenaline intolerance! I recognise that fear as a surge or build up of adrenaline, and tell myself that any silly thoughts that come along when I'm feeling the effects should be ignored because my mind is over-reacting and playing tricks on me. I imagine the fear as an evil monkey jumping up at me and I mentally push it away and (to myself) shout "F off" at it - really lay into it with all the swearing I can muster. Sometimes that helps by making myself laugh! It's a way of telling myself that I'm fighting this - I'm not going to give in, not going to cower in a corner and give up, not going to take it - I'll tackle it head on and kick the ----ing ---- out of it! How dare this problem mess me up? Too right I'm angry!! LOL
I'm not a violent person but visualising yourself beating seven varieties of excrement out of your demons seems quite therapeutic!
Recognising it's just a feeling caused by adrenaline makes it easier to take the logical action : take steps to calm myself down instead of worrying even more.
So far so good. I've had the office Christmas Lunch today and had a couple of pints, so it should be interesting to see how tonight goes.
... the wrong kind of interesting!
The events of the day were buzzing around my head, plenty of thoughts to keep my mind occupied. I stayed up until 12.30 because I didn't feel tired, then somehow managed to drift off without undue anxiety.
3.30am and I awoke feeling anxious, but so sleepy it was difficult to feel in control of my thoughts. This is a bad combination that puts me off drinking more, or taking sleeping pills. It's a very panicky feeling that you're just about treading water and keeping your head up, but if you stop concentrating for a moment because you're too groggy, suddenly you'll drop under and "drown" - a sudden massive rise in adrenaline spiralling out of all control into hitherto unchartered waters of fear.
That's enough to wake me up more fully! I got stuck in a position of being too tired and shivery/cold to help myself. Getting up was an option (or just sitting up to read) but I felt so shivery/cold that I couldn't face it. By 4am it was a toss up :) between some EFT tapping and the Gentleman's Remedy. At least that got me off :) to sleep eventually.
At one point I was starting to feel mild pain with my heart beat, and I wondered if all this stress was starting to take a toll on my health - but I've seen from this site how things can end up if you start worrying about those sorts of things, so I managed to talk myself out of it. What I wrote yesterday about the adrenaline playing tricks upon the mind was helpful - I remembered that and told myself to ignore negative thoughts.
So I'm tired today, a bit down about things, but at least I'm managing to cope. It really scares me the thought of how I'd cope if we get snowed in or I was too ill to get out of bed... but I'll cross that bridge when I get to it.
I had a few moments of worry driving into work in the icy conditions, and wondered if I was going to get bad in the daytime again, but again I found the strength from somewhere to push those thoughts away and get on with it. I've been fine so much by day.. I know I can do it. It's the knowing you can do it that gives you confidence - you can't beat that.
And when things are going well it's not a constant struggle to keep the mind in control. Someone said it would be bliss to be able to stop thinking for 10 minutes, but that comes naturally.. eventually. It's not like riding a bike where you have to keep balance or fall over - it's more like riding around on that bike knowing that sometimes you might lean over a bit far and have to correct it but it can be done.. and mainly you're free to roll along without a care, and stopping and starting as you wish. You can make yourself fall over if you want, but that would be silly so you don't... and it doesn't even occur to you when you're used to it.
I just wish it felt so simple when I want to sleep... so tired but too anxious to drift off :mad:
At that point it feels like a curse - as if there's a secret thought that most people have never heard of, but once some evil piece of work whispers to you the cursed secret it changes your life because from then on you have to be ever vigilant not to think about it or pay terrible consequences. The only way out (to peace of mind) is to face those terrible consequences and find they're not so bad after all. I'm not so sure I've done that yet. Maybe there's a deeper level of panic I haven't sunk to yet. But that's exactly the kind of negative thought I know I can usually ignore. So I haven't lost all hope yet!
Lousy morning. Felt like a life sentence. Lots of mild shivering and 3/10.
But.. after a nice hot lunch (warmed me up a fair bit) and some walking around town, things are looking rosier.
I can't believe how normal I feel, just ambling along the high street watching people scurrying about doing their Christmas shopping. Heading through a nice warm dept store I actually felt 100% fit and well... joyously happy to be alive - which is some contrast to the down in the dumps feelings an hour earlier when various methods of ending it all were being half-heartedly considered, in a morbidly fed up but-I-couldn't-do-it sort of way.
If I manage to feel 100% here and there, that's got to be a good sign and a whole lot better than giving up. Even if I never shake off the anxiety altogether, at least I get to live most of the time. That's a lot more than some people manage.
Positive thinking. This really might be just a phase. Some people make full recoveries, so why can't I? (Even 90% wouldn't be so bad). I managed 40 years without letting these silly worries affect me (and they HAD crossed my mind) so why can't I get back there again? All that's changed is that I know I can get very anxious if I don't think my way out of it. And the anxiety really isn't worth getting so depressed about. It's not nice but it's not going to ruin my life totally.
More hypno tomorrow - should be... the right kind of interesting.
You are doing so well, amazingly well. We salute you. Meant most sincerely. Good for you and keep strong and focused.
I've never been a big fan of pills myself.
Besides which, when you come down from the medication, your panic and depression can magnify for a period of time.
I recommend therapy, natural treatments and PATIENCE. It's going to take some time, but if you keep facing your anxiety and panic, eventually you will gain control.
Don't give up! You will succeed. :yesyes:
Warm Regards,
Rachel
Thank you both, that's very encouraging and most appreciated :hugs:
I've got a copy of Essential Help for the Nerves and 50 Ways to (defeat/overcome?) Depression Without Drugs - so that's something to read in the small hours if I need to. I also had a little pray yesterday, which is something I've neglected a bit recently, and that made me feel better too.
Not a bad night - I kept myself distracted with the Power of Television, felt 0.5/10 or less and hardly thought about things (for a welcome change).
I went through all the trouble to find some batteries for the remote for the bedroom telly (which gets very little use) and watched TV in bed as a way to feel comfortable in the bedroom again at night. It worked too well.. I got engrossed in the phone-in quiz on ITV and almost phoned in to have a go.
By 2am I was very very tired and thought it was probably about time to try sleeping. I pressed the red button on the remote, off went the TV to standby (something I don't normally do) and lay there calm enough to think nice things and drift off to sleep. Next thing I know the room lights up and the TV is on rather loud... I haven't leapt out of bed so fast for years :D
The stupid telly is one we inherited from my gran... it's stuck in "hotel mode" which doesn't let us change any settings, we haven't got the manual, and it's a bit of a pain generally - needs a knife to get the battery holder open on the remote - always comes on too loud, too colourful (glowing orange faces), etc.
I really didn't expect "standby mode" to actually be "practical joke mode" though!
Anyhow, after that I just went straight back to sleep and slept solidly until the alarm. That counts as a successful night. Today I find my mind isn't on feeling anxious, I'm just getting on with things. I wish I could be like that after social drinking too, but one step at a time...
Hypno session II is this afternoon... looking forward to it. I could "stab myself in the leg" with a silly "what if?" about the hypno not working and feeling more helpless and hopeless, but I still believe in it and that's a Good Thing even if it's a placebo effect. You have to run with whatever works! Besides, whether hypno is a total cure or not, you really can't beat the experience of having normal days - it shows you there's hope because the anxiety isn't full-time. That's the most wonderful thing to have learned out of all this (and what I hope any readers here will pick up on) - if you **DO** find you're not anxious every minute of every day, then you have to learn to appreciate that. You do get a break. It's a part-time problem - and part-time problems are a lot easier to put up with.
re: my comments yesterday about the Cursed Secret...
(At that point it feels like a curse - as if there's a secret thought that most people have never heard of, but once some evil piece of work whispers to you the cursed secret it changes your life because from then on you have to be ever vigilant not to think about it or pay terrible consequences.)
- one Positive Thinking way to counter that is this : there's another secret to be learned - and Secret 2 is the antidote to Secret 1.
Secret 2 robs Secret 1 of all (or most of) its power... and everything goes back to normal (or normal enough).
When I figure out exactly what that secret is, I'll let you know. But it's quite plain that some people know it (they've recovered - or at least 90% recovered). Just knowing that this secret is out there is comforting. Hope is a great thing.
More positive thinking. It's quite obvious that it's all in my mind. It's all about thoughts and how I react to them.
But the mind is a wonderfully versatile and adaptive thing. We all keep learning, and change, and grow. When I was 17 I never thought I'd get the hang of driving.. but I did. I found it hard to believe I'd ever end up married, with a house, with children... but it all happened. I took it in my stride, accepted new challenges and grew. Tricky things can be gradually dealt with, confidence grows, and dealing with it becomes second nature.
So who says I can't take all this in my stride too? Why should this challenge be any different? It's a tough one for sure, but I believe we can get there. The mind will heal itself.
Hypno 2
Not a great deal to report, to be honest. Mixed feelings, really. I opened up and told him all the events from the last few years that have left me this stressed, and the difficulty I face choosing the right path now. This is all very personal and not worth writing about because it's way too specific to me.
He wasn't able to help me make up my mind any more than I have been able to for the last few years left to my own devices... BUT.. it did, I suppose, clarify just how important it is to reach a decision and work at it.
It felt good to unburden myself to someone, I'm not totally sure being hypnotised actually worked or had any effect, but I was quite relaxed and came away feeling I ought to make the most of what I've got and enjoy it.
So it wasn't a waste of time - although I'm not altogether sure that going again is going to achieve much. The next one is more than a week away and I'm not feeling worried about whether I can cope until then, which is good (I hope that lasts!).
I still believe in hypno - we're all different with varying reasons for the distress we find ourselves in, and some cases will benefit more from the therapy of being helped to see things as they are more clearly in a relaxed state (we don't think so logically when stressed). If the stress comes from a huge indecision (like mine) it's awkward for the therapist because they aren't there to make your mind up for you - only to help you think it over with more clarity.
I'm actually finding myself thinking I've been a total idiot for even thinking I ever had a decision to make in the first place... it's looking like there is only one sensible route to take after all.. so that's where I'm headed. Hopefully now the anxiety will dissolve and I can get on with life. If I put my heart and soul into things then it's a lot easier to deal with however it turns out. If it works ok (whether I yearn for more or not - that's only natural but something we usually deal with ok) that's fine - if it's quite obviously broken beyond repair then at least I'll know for sure. Who knows what will happen next year... but picking one path and doing my best is a lot better than standing still torturing myself about what to do.
A reasonable night's sleep at last... 11.30 to 7.30!
I'm still thinking about the whole thing, here and there, but I'm managing to tell myself it's not worth worrying about, and so the anxiety either goes away / doesn't build up / stays at 1/10 and then goes.
What's the worst that can happen? I feel afraid for a bit. Gosh. Some people pay good money for an adrenaline rush and I get it for free! :D And I also know I've got plenty of escape routes (tapping, distraction). That's not ideal... but it's better than nothing.
I'm not going to feel cured until I don't need escape routes, and these thoughts hardly ever pop into my head, or I don't feel any anxiety about it. Maybe that's a matter of time, maybe it will never happen completely, but I've got most of my life back for now, that's the main thing.
Funny thing is, I started feeling panicky today as I met a friend of mine and started walking along with him. I had to keep up, keep walking, it would be embarrassing to stop and say "hold on a minute I'm having a panic!". And this was my Type 1 sort of panic (the one I've had for years) rather than the anxiety one - although they're a bit similar in some ways.
But I ignored it, kept walking, focused on the conversation and felt fine within a minute. Didn't even occur to me again after that. :yesyes:
I had migraine-like flashing lights today, couldn't see properly and it felt like a Headache From Hell might be coming. I started worrying about whether a pain I couldn't get away from would worry me! At least that's fairly easily dismissed as something that's never been a problem before.
I can't say I've fully resolved The Great Choice that's been bothering me, but I have decided to choose a path, even if I'm not 100% sure of it, and make the best of things. The other path still tempts me, but it's never out of reach if things don't turn out well. The future can take care of itself. I'm feeling a lot happier about it, even if it hasn't filtered down into my subconscious yet (or it knows I'm still a bit uncertain). I feel like inwardly screaming to my subconscious "Look I've MADE A CHOICE AT LAST, now STOP BUGGING ME with all the anxiety stuff!"
Maybe Secret II is something like "If you're alert enough to panic, you DO have enough control of your thoughts to calm yourself down".
Great to read of your story, your process, your recovery. It is very inspiring and I like your attitude and your strength. Well done to you.
Thanks dink!
Interesting day yesterday. I saw one of my closest friends for the first time since all this kicked off (he was away) and despite him knowing the bare facts from an email, he didn't even ask anything about it all. Nothing! Charming. It's not the first time either. Yet I know he cares in his own way, I've had evidence of that... but even so..!
Also yesterday I met up with someone who wants my help with some project - a brilliant hobby I got into this year. I'm all fired up about what fun it should be, sometime in the next few months, it should be the highlight of my year. It was all buzzing around my head so much all night I hardly slept a wink. I was lying there with 2/10 anxiety which was actually more excitement than anxiety - but it feels so similar I've lost the ability to tell the difference - if there is any. I couldn't imagine EFT tapping making any difference, and I wasn't worried about panics.. there was enough excitement in my thoughts that I wasn't worried in the slightest (well.. only very briefly here and there.. easily dismissed).
I must have had some sleep because I don't feel especially exhausted today. I think by the time you reach mid-life, nature gives you (especially parents) the ability to survive alright on less sleep.
I'm aware of some anxiety and shallow breathing today, but again it's simply not bothering me enough to worry about it. Magically I've got belief in myself again - priceless!
Merry Christmas and a panic-free 2008 everyone!
Sunday was a bit of a write-off as days go. Our Christmas plans lie in tatters as someone has decided at the last minute tht they don't want to come - and my Mum & Dad (both bundles of nerves too) are in bits. They were so looking forward to the first family Christmas for years with us all together, who knows it could be our last chance, and my dear sibling would rather upset everyone than come along.
Seeing my Mum & Dad stressed to tears was more than enough to make me a bit anxious. I was driving home at one point with a tight chest and shallow breathing, jelly legs, afraid of a setback and could I cope? Somehow I kept my composure and got home where I felt safe enough to busy myself with chores and relax.
It's not good to have safe and unsafe places - that leads to problems of its own - I'd rather keep things being all about me being happy in my own body & mind no matter where I am... but it's a lot easier to distract yourself from things when you're on your feet and free to move around. Sitting in a car, in heavy traffic, is a bit more hemmed in, even if there's the radio for distraction and other people in the car to talk to. I thought about having to pull over somewhere and get out of the car for a breather - which is possible - but embarrassing and I didn't want the kids to see me like that. So I battled on and kept a lid on things at 3 to 4 out of 10 - with the kind of thoughts that would normally give a couple of points more than that as far as how it would feel.
I'm still very much helped by the thought that things are fine if I calm myself down, and I have been mainly OK for several days now.
I managed some sleep... and here I am today a bit cheesed off about Christmas with empty seats and so many disappointed loved ones - but in a way it's good to have a genuine reason to be 'down' a bit! And at least there'll be less washing up to do :D
Have a good one.
groovygranny
24-12-07, 13:38
Hi there MU,
Aint that such a bummer?
I've had to learn that when things like this happen, upsetting and aggravating as they may be, there's not a lot I can do except 'go with the flow' with what I've got. And you and your mum and dad will at least have the rest of the family to enjoy - but it is a shame that they're so, understandably, upset. Still, there'll be more Christmas pud to go round....and less washing up as you say!! Good to see you're holding on to a positive attitude despite this setback:yesyes:
I've been using your 'Stress-ometer' for a few days now - I was a whopping 8/10 this morning when I discovered the digital photo frame that my dahling hubby (in his wisdom!) had bought for my mother's Christmas present (over 3mnths ago:ohmy: )............doesn't work!!!! Back into a crowded city centre his morning to try and find another. No such luck....these items seem to be the 'must have's' for this Christmas.....nothing online either in the 'reserve and collect' department.:weep:
Ah well - I'm down to about a 5 now ......but it's bound to go up again when I get the inevitable "well, maybe you should have checked it out when you bought it!":mad: comment from mother dear this afternoon !!!
Anyway, Festive Greetings to you and yours.....and well done for keeping to a 3 or 4 !!!!
Keep posting !! :blush:
Hi
Keep on in there, The pills will calm down the panic feelings and may be enough to give you a bit of a boost of dampening down the symptoms.
Good luck
BAC
Hi Messedup,
Welcome to NMP.
Pills are not necessarily the answer but they may be part of the solution.
I took Meds for several years and,on balance,I believe they helped me through a very tough time.Of themselves,they were not a panacea or cure-all.
As a person with anxiety,I can be very prone to frustration and impatience.If it took years to get me into this situation why can I not be seen by Docs immediately and fixed immediately?
Learning to be patient is actually one of the cornerstones of my recovery.
When you feel impatient,never lose sight of what you have come through thus far,coping,however imperfectly.
Best wishes,
Chalky
Thanks GG, bac, chalky (I'm still trying to manage without pills - it's the best way, I reckon, tackle it head on without just delaying things).
Christmas eve... 4 hours sleep.. and awake for an hour or two before the kids awoke at 7 for prezzie time. Really wanted to get some more sleep in that time, but couldn't. Even the old standby technique (regular readers will know!) didn't work... still felt 2 / 10. Genuine stress about Christmas, more than stress about stress.
Christmas day... too busy to think... too stressed to relax when I did make it to an armchair. I found myself trying to watch TV but with 2/10 anxiety, and I really wanted to go for a walk around the block but I couldn't really leave everyone to it.
Not a bad day. Bit fed up with feeling anxious. Didn't drink. Went to bed at 11pm, not too much trouble to drift off.
Awoke today (Boxing day) at 6.15, and had until about 7am feeling anxious. Got as bad as 7/10 in my mind, though I only felt 3 or 4 /10 in the pit of my stomach. No shivering (haven't had that for a while now.. warmer weather recently may be helping).
There was a brief moment of a horrible "what if?" when I worried about my breathing leading to a type I panic, but I struggled through without resorting to any EFT or reading, just positive thought... managed to get back to sleep until 9.30am (felt like a major victory!).
It seems like there's two different things to score, with anxiety. There's what's going through my mind firstly, and secondly what it feels like (adrenaline levels) around the body. I seem to be able to think silly thoughts sometimes without feeling anxious, and also the other way around - feel anxious in my stomach and breathing without having thought about anything to set it off.
It's like I'm anxiety-intolerant now, and things that I would have been able to ignore in the past (or barely be aware of) now leave me far more concerned than I should be. It's just going to take practice to get used to various sensations again without over reacting.
It's been a busy Boxing Day. I managed a family meal in a restaurant where the background music was worryingly intrusive but I got by (good old Escape Routes!). Back to normal (or as normal as it gets!) routine now.
Not much to report today. Managed to get some sleep, no anxiety higher than 1 or 2 out of 10. It's been ok at work, although with a spell of anxiety for half an hour or so that went in the end.
I saw a friend of mine at lunchtime and he said he'd been through similar stuff (not as strongly, perhaps) and it was just a stressful phase that is long since behind him. It was quite encouraging. It's always great to talk about these things one-to-one with someone who cares, so that's lifted my spirits.
I ended up on my own in the office and had a half-hour "power-nap", which left me gloriously relaxed when I woke up again.. wonderful!
The way I see it at the moment is : there's Normal Life (not thinking about it all) and there's Anxious Life (worried about it). I do seem to be able to get long periods of NL Normal Life, which makes the AL more bearable - because I know that if I can just calm myself down and get on with something, I can change AL to NL and the problem is solved. In NL I can even think about all this briefly without any symptoms (any hint of anxious feelings means I'm in AL instead on NL) which is the ideal way to be - what most people have. In AL it all too easily seems like a life sentence I'll never shake off, even with mild symptoms it all comes flooding back and it does take an effort to remember all the progress I've made and all the positive steps I need to take... but NL is really only moments away if I try. That should be all it takes, and often is, even if I still take half an hour sometimes experiencing anxiety just wishing it would go away and leave me alone. At least AL isn't too bad if I keep a lid on it... in fact I feel guilty reading other people's stories on these forums because they're having a far worse time of things than I am.
The stressful personal issues behind all this aren't fully resolved, which doesn't help. I'm trying to make an effort but it's still not particularly as rewarding as I'd like. I'll stick with it though, there's isn't a whole lot of choice, really. I'll just have to cope, as the only alternative is major upset and upheaval - and I've no idea how I'd cope with that, let alone anyone else. Best to count my blessings and seek joy and contentment where I can find it. Nobody has a perfect life, and mine ain't so bad :D
groovygranny
27-12-07, 22:32
Hello there MU,
Hm, I can definitely relate to your description of NL and AL. I liken my own experience of it as like almost being in a 'Twilight Zone'. There are times when, with just a thought, I can go from one to the other - not always voluntarily I might add.
It's reassuring to read your account as I thought I was just being 'cwazy' !!
It is a fine line is it not between these two states? I had a very brief 'episode' yesterday, totally unexpected. Day was going very well, everyone was enjoying themselves and suddenly out of the blue a wave came over me. But, with positive and wilful thinking it lasted but a mere few minutes.
I'm a firm believer in and convert to 'power naps' - I'm very fortunate to live only just across the road from the school where I work and so can easily go home at lunchtime for one if I need to.
Your personal issues may not be resolved yet but first things first. You seem to be making steady progress in your management of your anxiety - so, strengthen yourself with that knowledge and in time you'll be able to tackle those issues.
Thanks for sharing your experiences and progress with us - keep it up!:yesyes:
:hugs: :hugs:
Thanks again GG. I suppose there is a bit of a blurred boundary between NL and AL... but if there's even a hint of anxiety then it must be AL... even if it's possible to be calmly enjoying NL and have a brief thought about AL but remain calm. That's why I was musing about the difference between what you think and what you feel as a result. With the right positive thinking, and the confidence that comes from successfully applying it over time, the silly thoughts get brushed away without the anxiety making itself felt - or if it does, it can be pushed away.
Yesterday evening was 95% ok - some slight anxiety that I just refused to worry about, I just got on with reading the depression book (quite good - can recommend a read of it). I'm trying to just ignore those anxious feelings when I notice they've returned, and mostly they just go away again. Bedtime was ok, and I slept right through for almost 8 hours. I've spent all day today feeling 99.4% normal, barely even thinking about recent weeks except for looking back as if it's hard to believe how I felt so bad. If I get a few more days like this it will be hard to believe it would ever get bad again.
I even tested myself for the old type 1 panics last night. One surefire way to bring one on is to take a detour on the way home and drive down a long gradual hill which is just steep enough that I can coast down it out of gear and keep the same speed. So I get up to around the speed limit (if it's safe) and coast along with my feet tucked back away from the pedals. Slightly dangerous *, but on the road in question it's fine if there's no-one about. Doing this makes me feel less in control, as if I'm a passenger, and I get the feeling that if I won't let myself bring my feet forward again then I could spend a minute or two in panic (which is plenty long enough at that intensity!). * I could brake sharply if I needed to with only a bit more delay than usual - and the visibility is good on that road - so it's really no problem.
I've done this a few times in the last year or so, deliberately making myself panic to see just how it feels, how I can stand it, how it drops in intensity after a few moments, how it may rise again but then fall ... how I usually re-focus and feel fine again with some distance yet to go. It's not exactly the full bus-ride/air-travel experience, as there's always the escape route available - but it's enough to see what the panic is like and examine it in detail in controlled conditions. I can't say it's much fun, and I wouldn't want to spend hour after hour like that on a plane, but I've been trying to convince myself it's not that bad. Still bad enough to avoid things, unfortunately.
Last night though, I sailed along fairly happily, with a brief surge of anxiety that I simply ignored and it went away... leaving me gliding along wondering what all the fuss was about!
If the last few weeks mean that I've found the mental skills to finally keep hold of inner calm no matter what, then it's all been well worth it! We shall see.... it's early days yet. Maybe I'll have a setback... maybe not... there's no point wondering, I'll just get on with things happy in the knowledge that I've been mostly fine for several days now. I'm not likely to get trapped in the dismal pit of Anxious Life forever if I've already been there and come back. :D
Thought for the day : Thoughts in your head can't hurt you. Feelings can be unpleasant, but that's a physical sensation felt in your guts/chest from the adrenaline. I like to think that if there's an afterlife where we float around as a consciousness without a body (!) we'll never experience fear again because there's no body to feel it with. If I ever get a chance to speak with (or type with on the web) anyone paralysed from the neck down, it would be interesting to hear whether they experience fear in any significantly disturbing way. I would certainly hope that they don't and that it's one small consolation for being in that predicament. It would be hell on earth to feel panic and not even be able to move, that's for sure! (note to self : don't "what if?" worry about that)
Once you know you can seperate thoughts and feelings, you can break the cycle of that vicious circle that leads to panic. The horrible panic feelings are fed by too much focusing on irrational thoughts. So don't think them!
If you notice your arm hurts when you press on a certain spot, and hurts more the harder you press, but doesn't hurt when you let go... what do you do? Leave it alone! And in a day or two it will be fine again, in all probability. That's exactly what we have to do with anxiety caused by irrational thoughts - if you keep on focusing on the thoughts you're just hurting yourself for no good reason. Accept it feels grotty and may take a moment or two to settle down, and think of something else. And it will settle down - either that or you'll prove to yourself that you can put up with it for some time while you figure out what may be causing it and find some way to relax.
... and in time, those irrational thoughts won't even pop into your head - or if they do, they'll be easily dismissed because you know you can deal with it.
-
Theory and practice are, as usual, not automatically linked.... especially when it's a panic about things beyond your control (my type 1 panics). Today I'd just started my car and my neighbour came over and started talking to me through the open window. It certainly didn't take long to occur to me that here was a classic situation of being trapped. I couldn't turn off the engine or get out without it being seen as a very weird way to react.. I had to just sit there and act normal.. so along came a 5 / 10 simmering panic situation. I hope I didn't look too worried as I concentrated on what he was saying, told myself it would be over soon, and sat there just about keeping a lid on it. Not great, but I coped. I bet I looked really uncomfortable though, LOL.
I suppose I could have turned the engine off and got out to go back indoors for something I'd "forgotten", but that didn't occur to me at the time. :blush:
In actual fact I could have turned the engine off, let even more colour drain from my face, and honestly tell him I was feeling an anxiety attack coming on. "I wonder what's causing that? I've been having a lot recently, I'm just a bundle of nerves. Don't worry, I'll be fine in a minute". Wouldn't be the end of the world... might get some nice sympathy out of it :D
One thing I've noticed in social situations when the embarrassment of a panic is a factor, is that I often get to the point where fear of looking like a total idiot takes away just enough attention from the original fear of being trapped, that it helps to keep me just about in control. Being 'trapped' makes me panicky, then the worry about behaving oddly distracts me just enough. That's quite handy!
Another thing I was going to say in my last posting (but forgot) is this - which I've probably said before, come to think of it... :
If you can think your way into a panic, you can think your way out of it too.
I had a chance to prove that to myself last night. I woke up at 3.30am in a 7/10 panic about something weird and had to reach for the light and sit up to help to bring myself to my senses. Within a minute or two I was more fully awake, down to 2 or 3 / 10 and keeping a lid on it, but a bit disappointed with feeling that bad again after so much progress. But... with a bit of positive thinking and distraction, it wasn't long before I realised I'd coped well, and couldn't really be to blame for waking up in a panic - it's like having a nightmare. I did take quite some time trying to get back to sleep, and eventually managed to get some more - it only 'cost me' about 2 hours in all.
Today I'm a bit tense but I'm ignoring it. I can't expect to be feeling great with what's happening in my private life. Things have moved on, in a way, so it's easier to deal with - but it's still all very uncertain and disappointing. Early days though.. I'll grin and bear it, and see where it takes me.
So far so good. Some anxiety here and there, but under control.
I drank a unit or two on the 1st and 2nd, which has led to some small hour awakenings with trouble nodding off again, but nothing horrible. I'm not going to let it stop me having a social drink. I don't find the booze has any effect upon my anxiety levels when I'm feeling the effects of drink (letting me loosen up and get less self-conscious) or my ability to distract myself, so that's good.
I'm feeling fine and barely thinking about it here on the 3rd.
More hypno coming up tomorrow.. not sure if it's worth it any more!
Feeling positive! In fact in some ways I'm better off than I used to be. I used to wonder just how much I could panic about my breathing, but now I know exactly what to expect - and while it's not great it's not as horrendous as I used to fear. I still get anxious feelings that make me feel worse than I used to years ago, but I know how to keep control or put up with it if I can't. And I know that I can spend long periods of time quite happy, once I've relaxed. Most of the time is fine. So why worry?
I was in a bar yesterday lunchtime and the music started getting to me... panicky up to 5/10, but I stuck with it (although there was an escape route) and I ended up ignoring it and the problem went away. Yay!
HNY
groovygranny
03-01-08, 19:09
Hi there MU,
Happy New Year to you!:blush:
You seem to be doing well at a good steady pace - good on you!
I too have drastically cut the amount I drink in one go, and have founf the level at which I can enjoy it without suffering the anx after effects - but I know I'd find it difficult to give it up altogether. However, if I really had to in order to stay well then I suppose that would be motivation enough.
You're right when you say say you can't expect to be feeling great all the time - I'd imagine even those without anx would have trouble living up to that expectation!
But you seem to be getting on top of the anx, which will allow you to tackle your other issues in a positive and controlled manner.
Thanks again for sharing your progress with us!
Good luck with the therapy tomorrow - let us know how you get on!
Take care
:hugs:
Cheers GG... but I think I might have to stop coming here - it makes me think about the anxiety too much.
Last night I wrote that positive stuff and then set off home. It had been such a calm day I was even thinking about finally taking the unopened pills out of my coat pocket (my last resort) and leaving them at home. But on the 10 minute walk to the car park I was mulling things over and started silly "what if?" questions again. What if I get really panicky and can't distract myself? What if I end up gasping for calmness in a shop, pleading with some stranger to slap some sense into me? What if I got into such a state that I can't ever calm myself down again? What if I got so bad that I couldn't handle it any more and wanted to kill myself to "solve" the problem?
I ended up shivering with anxiety as well as the cold, while walking - which is annoying because I'm never usually that bad while on my feet and walking usually takes my mind off it. Going out for a walk is one of my 'escape routes'.
But I realised that I've never been that bad, so why should I get that bad now, after all I've learned? I counted my steps in a musical rhythm.. 1,2,3,4.. 5,6,7,8.. 1,2, etc. The anx subsided. I simply CANNOT spend ALL my life anxious. I KNOW full well that when I'm concentrating on something, my mind is too busy to worry about the anxiety-causing thoughts.
I got to the car and drove home fine, after realising that I STILL hadn't got so bad that I couldn't cope. Halfway home I realised with a smile that I'd faced my biggest fears, felt afraid... very afraid.. BUT STILL COPED. And I managed to do dinner, wash up, put the kids to bed while She's out swanning about with her mates (as usual) til 12.30am, and I enjoyed a tense action movie before getting a fair night's sleep. I even had a trial amount of red wine (about 3 mouthfulls!) which was enough to feel an effect, with no problems overnight.
So there's a problem. This site is great, and writing about things is good therapy... but I really need to stop thinking about it all and put it behind me - act like it's no longer a problem I suffer from. If you act the part you end up feeling the part, if you know what I mean.
But I'm not deserting you yet :D
groovygranny
04-01-08, 10:50
Completely understand those sentiments - bit of a paradox really isn't it?
Something which we find most helpful (ie this site) can also be responsible for keeping the 'anx flame' lit. So, I suppose it's like doctor's really - good to have them around but we always hope we never need 'em !!
You've made a valuable contribution to this site and so thank you for that!:yesyes:
If you do decide you've reached the point where you'd be better off not visiting here - don't be afraid to pop back now and again with a little nugget or two of inspiration!!
:hugs:
Thanks for your kind words, as ever.
Hypno III was different this time. Instead of trying to question Why all this was happening, we focused on the fact that I'd made progress to a state of acceptance of my private life and I'm feeling more confident with dealing with the anx. The hypno this time was aimed at helping me realise I AM in control of my feelings and panics. I'd rather not say any more as I'm feeling so strong I don't want to dwell on it and spoil it, LOL
:yesyes:
An "AHA!" moment
I love it when things suddenly seem to come together in a blinding flash of clarity. Maybe it's all stuff you've thought of before, but for some reason you see it all from a different angle and it all makes sense in a new way...
When I get anxious it's really not helped by the way I doubt my ability to cope. The thoughts upset me. The negative thinking makes me worse. I worry about whether I can think my way out of the panics. I wonder if I'll ever get rid of these thoughts. Thoughts that make me panic. Thoughts that keep me anxious. Thoughts that don't help. Thoughts that undermine me. Thoughts that there's no escape. Bad, bad, bad thoughts.
Thoughts, thoughts, thoughts... thinking....
BUT! It's the FEELINGS that matter! It suddenly dawned on me in a new way... I can control the feelings!! Deep slow breathing, and even the worst anxiety calms down to a level where it can be totally demolished by thinking about something more pleasant. I KNOW I can do that, with 100% certainty. I've proved it to myself time and again over the last few weeks. It's beyond doubt!
And if I can control the feelings, the thoughts don't matter. I've still been thinking about all of this since yesterday, on and off, and without even a trace of anxiety. I can now think about it with any ill feelings. So let the thoughts come! It doesn't need to lead to anxiety - and if it does, then I can deal with it.
Thoughts - stuff them. Feelings - I can calm them down.
It feels like a cure :)
It feels like I took a bundle of positive thinking to the hypno yesterday, and somehow, under the "trance" (and he said I definitely was "under", even if I couldn't tell - he could tell - my pupils were dilated when he asked me to open my eyes briefly) it all got 'cemented' into place.
Somehow it feels like I've been re-programmed to just KNOW I can deal with it, without doubting it. I've thought the thoughts, I've got annoyed with the endless whistle in my ears (tinnitus) that worries me that I can't escape it, I've felt situations that would have had me shaking a couple of weeks back... and I've barely even registered a 1/10, if that.
Wow! And I dearly wish those of you still suffering take comfort from this.
groovygranny
05-01-08, 15:48
Hi there MU,
Glad your sesssion went well - congratulations on your 'light-bulb':emot-bulb: moment!
It's like scales being lifted from your eyes isn't it? Well, that's how it felt to me part way through my counselling when I could suddenly see the reasons why I'd been like I was for so many years.
Sorry about the tinnitus though - however you even seem to be coping with that incredibly well.:yesyes:
I'm sure your wish will be granted and many will indeed take comfort from reading about your progress - I also hope you'll be increasingly strengthened to maintain it.
So, onward and upward eh?!
:)
i there, i have been on sertraline for six years and they have worked for me, first of all all medications have side effects but it does not mean that you will get them all it is just that you have to be told all possible side effects that could happen,for me i just suffered a bit of feeling sick in the mornings but i also think it was my anxiety as well which was causeing this. it took about 2-4 weeks untill i started feeling the bennifits which is the same with most ssri's like sertraline, but you also need to realise that its not just the meds that make you feel better, you have to work at this too. the meds help ease your symptoms so you can start enjoying your life again. but it is not a quick fix and it will not happen over night, you have to be patient and i know it is hard. some one once telled me that the more you try and fight this the more worse your anxiety will be, you have to realise it is fear of these things happening again ie panic attacks and anxiety that makes us feel worse has we are always thinking the worst and looking for answers and we get locked up in a viscous circle that gets hard to see away forward. most of our symptons mentally and physically are due to our nerves in our bodys as everything seems to go in a mad shutdown has our bodies need time to heal but our adrenalin is running overtime, you need to start telling yourself that this is a normal response in your body and it is not going to harm you in anyway,no one can tell you to take the meds or not, it is left to you at the end of the day and if you feel you may need to then dont feel ashamed its just you need a little help right now, plus you would be surprised how many people are on meds for these reasons (no ones perfect) i hope this will help tina x:winks:
Thanks :)
Silly me for saying "So let the thoughts come!". They certainly did! I lay awake from 11.30 to at least 2am, tired and wishing I could sleep, but I kept thinking about all this. Now in the daytime, that has little anx effect on me and I can just carry on. But at night, when I'm trying to relax enough to get to sleep, it gives me somewhere between a half and one out of ten - just enough to keep me awake.
I kept on worrying about being hyper-aware of my breathing, and my tinnitus, and not being able to ignore them enough to relax to sleep. And yet, something's changed because the anx I felt was different... almost as if it was there like it used to be but I was further away from it. A bit like the gas and air they give to mums-to-be in labour - they say "the pain was still there but it seemed further away". Hard to explain, but just due to some confidence that I could deal with it enough to stay calm, even if I couldn't actually sleep.
So I'm a bit disappointed that I'm still not dealing with those worries brilliantly. I can't stay up half the night every night reading or watching TV to take my mind of it until I'm so exhausted I nod off! I'm already getting my old stress-related psoriasis (crusty skin) coming back again.
Yet in a funny way it's still progress. I've had these night-time worries for years and dealt with them, so in actual fact I'm right back to where I was before all this flared up big style - worries at night that made me slightly anxious but after a while I do eventually get to sleep.
And this time I know more about what happens if I let myself 'panic' - and how to snap out of it. Which has got to be an improvement, really, even if it doesn't feel like it when I'm lying there hating the fact that I can't ignore my breathing and noises in my ears.
Well, there are people suffering far worse than that, I suppose. And in a positive move I've finally taken the unopened box of pills out of my coat pocket so I'm not taking them everywhere with me any more as an escape route. That's a gesture of faith in myself!
Last night I went to a pub to meet a bunch of people I don't know particularly well, to discuss the internet-based game we play (one of my little hobbies) and enjoyed a small beer and a meal with them. I felt so completely calm, normal, at ease, it was joyful how cured I felt. That's why the slight setback overnight has saddened me a bit. But I'm determinded to stay positive, because really I'm 99.7% better off than I was just a couple of weeks back.
I can't stop the thoughts popping into my head, but I can think "Silly thoughts can't hurt me if I ignore them".
And that's what got me through last night ok. In fact, just repeating that phrase over and over in your mind may help... because you can only think one train of thought at a time. When your "internal voice" is busy saying that over and over, it can't be vocalising your fears into "what if?" rubbish.
It still bothers me that the worries occur to me, but I'm doing all I can to stop the worries taking root. In time, the worries will hopefully come less often - a more relaxed and stress-free lifestyle should see to that.
The Luxury of Worry
Sometimes I think we lead such easy lives in the western world (not having to worry about where the next meal is coming from, or are we going to be attacked) that we have far too much time on our hands to let our thoughts wander and worry about ourselves. Empty lives, as it were. If we fill our lives with plenty of activities, we won't have time to get caught up in such introspective worries. The busier I am with friends, hobbies and interests, and running my hectic family matters, I feel more contented, more needed, more valued, so much happier in myself that silly thoughts don't crop up to make me anxious.
That's why I recommend the following to anyone else suffering depression based anxiety - after accepting things you can't change and after changing stressful things you *can* change, fill your life with as many pleasures as you can. Keep yourself busy and in contact with people as much as possible - even if it means voluntary work or paid evening work just to keep yourself out and about achieving things.
If you've already tried that and it hasn't worked, I'm sorry if it's an irritating suggestion... I'd be interested to hear about it!
groovygranny
08-01-08, 17:45
Hi MU,
Once again thanks for your insight - this particular post brings to mind these words by St Francis of Assisi:
"Lord grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
the courage to change the things I can, and
the wisdom to know the difference."
Religious views aside, I think this is a good concept to live by.
Whilst I also agree that keeping oneself busy is an aide to keeping the depression at a 'copable' level - I would advise against taking on so much that there is no time to "...stand and stare" as in the words of the poem by W.H. Davies....
http://www.richardpettinger.com/poem/selected_poems/leisure (http://www.richardpettinger.com/poem/selected_poems/leisure)
I've already decided that when retirement from paid work comes along, I shall take great pleasure in being able to apply my skills and/or gifts in a voluntary capacity so as to a) provide a service and b) to prevent myself from vegetating!
thanks again!
:hugs:
SharonDerby
08-01-08, 22:42
Hello Messed.
Pills are sometimes the right thing for people and sometimes they are just another crutch, when you feel the way you do there has to be some help and support other than pills, pills to you(at least from the way i understand from your post) are yet another sign that you are not coping and altho pills do work for some people and are a great relife only you can decide whats right for you, remember no one can make you take pills if you don't want to so don't pressure yourself into more thinking that you have to take them, it is your choice.
If your doc can offer some CBT then take it, i know it's a wait most NHS is the same i waited 4 months but i did find having someone to talk things through from the begining very helpful.
As for imidiate things when you on your own in the wee small hours as you said, try to do something constructive even if it's just writing your thoughts down on here again or even on paper, this place can be such a life saver at any hour, read some of the posts and take comfort i know it's hard ihave suffered for years and years (i'm 44) and have always refused medication mainly due to the fact that it's one of my phobias i'm too scared of any side effect whatever it is, but i am not blind to the fact that for some people the tablets they take have helped them beyond belife.
Hope you take some comfort from us all and know you are not on your own.
Wishing you well
Sharon :)
Thanks!
Things are improving all the time. Whole days with barely a trace of anxiety! Yesterday I even had a drink at lunchtime and some wine in the evening, and although I noticed my ears ringing (as usual) and wondered if I could ignore it, I did... and I managed a normal night's sleep.
I now BELIEVE in myself, and my ability to cope - and that makes all the difference. Maybe not in all circumstances, I could imagine horrible situations I might really struggle with, but for now, my lifestyle is OK.
Believing
This is key to it. You have to believe that it's not so bad that you can't cope. Let's face it, if you've put up with this for a while, you've got through panic attacks, they didn't kill you. You've slept, eaten, and laughed between times. It hasn't been constant. You managed.
It's an attitude thing. If you keep thinking of them as very scary experiences then they keep their power to scare you.
If, however, you change the way you think about it and regard them as simply a temporary (albeit distressing) timewasting nuisance then they lose their power to scare you. Even if you can 'only' calm yourself down to 3 out of ten and spend an hour or two at it, desperately trying to breathe deeply and calmly and distract yourself, that's really not so terrible in the grand scheme of things. If you find yourself worrying about an attack of anxiety coming, you need to be thinking "oh for heaven's sake, I don't have time for this!"
The real fear comes from that horrible feeling that something awful is going to happen and there's no way out if it - it's actually going to happen. That's where the real dread comes from - the sinking feeling, the cold sweat, the racing pulse, the "oh my God it's actually happening!" fear is what makes all this so hard for people to understand. Most of us can watch something very nasty on TV and barely bat an eyelid. Talk about being mugged, for instance, and people just shrug it off as something that happens to other people. But if they found themselves being mugged in real life, that "oh **** I'm actually being mugged!" realisation would produce a rush of adrenaline, fear and panic that many people may have never even experienced. If panic attacks are something you dread that much, you *will* still get such a nasty response to it, until you start to change the way you think about them.
That's why gradual exposure therapy works with specific phobias. Panic and anxiety is experienced, found to be bearable, and with time and practice, found to be not worth fearing in the first place.
If you're in that grim place where all this seems hard to believe, my heart goes out to you. But it's so true, I deeply wish it gives you hope to know that things can improve with experience and patience, and the mental strength that you *DO* have.
Again, apologies to anyone who had suffered for years and years and nothing seems to have worked - if you're thinking "that's easy for you to say, you're doing well!" then I can imagine this seeming like a glib and annoying post. I can only report on my own experiences and how it seems to me. I can't say what I would have made of all this thread on that first bad day... what can I say? I like to think it may have helped. I've tried. :)
Cramp of the mind
I don't get a lot of muscle cramp... but... (maybe it's just me)... sometimes when I'm really stretching to reach something at an odd angle, I sometimes get a muscle somewhere make itself known to me (somewhere in the shoulder for example)... and there's like half a second's worth of a chance to move it quick and take pressure off the muscle - or it will seize up in pain that lasts at least half an hour and it won't feel right for the rest of the day.
A small window of opportunity to take action or suffer the consequences.
This is pretty similar to anxiety in some ways. I'll be sitting quite happily and suddenly notice that I'm actually feeling a bit more anxious than I should be. If I were to worry about it, it could easily build up into a panic. If I just ignore it because it's not that strong and it's easily ignored... breathe deeply and focus on something else... everything is fine. Cramp of the mind averted! One easy decision and positive mental approach makes all the difference between Normal Life or Panic.
No wonder non-sufferers just say "Don't panic!" or "Pull yourself together!" - it really can be a conscious decision. So long as you can do that. My apologies if you can't - and I admit it's sometimes a struggle for me too. Certainly helps to know it can be done, though.
-
I had some x-rays yesterday, with a grotty drink of Barium. It started in a standing position, and it was fun to see all the discs of my neck bones on a screen in realtime. Then he said "How do you fancy a nice lie down?" and the whole thing started to slowly drop to the horizontal. I had a little worry about feeling a bit trapped as it rotated me down, but it was ok. They've got all the patter worked out to keep us calm.
They found nothing unusual, thankfully. Nice to put the mind at rest though.
Down, down, deep deep down
I've just had the worst night for weeks. My wife was away for the night and I got all stressed that my escape route was blocked off - I had to stay at home with the kids. OK, so I could get up and watch TV I suppose, but it was such a cold night (windy too - I seem to feel the cold much more on draughty nights) and I was shivering so badly I just wanted to stay in bed to keep warm.
I tried the EFT and it didn't really help because I just could NOT stop thinking about things. The anxiety has moved on to a new target. It's not the breathing any more, it's my tinnitus - the constant rush of hiss in my ears. Nothing stops it. I can't escape it. Constant hiss 24/7 - I only forget about it when I'm up and about doing things, when there are other sounds around to take my mind off it.
It's daft because I've put up with it at the same level for over 10 years, but all of a sudden it's a problem because I'm worrying about it and it's bringing on the anxiety so much it's left me shaking, fed up, down in the dumps thinking I'll never be able to sleep well again, my life is going to be all over the place from now on, just grabbing sleep where I can, permanently tired and who knows what other stress-related issues I'll get.
I was at about 8/10 for a while, lying there shaking and thinking those horrible thoughts that if it all gets just way too much, then suicide is the ultimate way out. Then I hated myself for thinking that, what a loser I'd be and what effect it would have on my loved ones.
With the radio on, and a light, somehow I managed to nod off and got some sleep - must have been about 4 or 5 hours worth. Today I'm feeling frightened, able to function (just about), lots of pacing about unable to sit still. I managed to go out to lunch on my own at a cafe, have a walk, and I've come to work to catch up on the web. Nice to have moments of feeling normal, and it seems brighter by day.
But I'm still not looking forward to tonight. It's like I've forgotten all the positive thinking I've gone through in the last few weeks. I'm going to have to re-read my whole thread again.
It seems harder this time. With my first worries, once I calmed myself down I could forget about it. With this tinnitus though, it's always there, no matter what. I just don't know how I'm supposed to ignore it any more. I'm scared, really scared. I think the pills are beckoning, and I really don't want to take them. And they take weeks to take effect, so what's the point? And if they don't work, what then? I'm scared I'm going to end up at A&E at the hospital, and end up being sectioned. And still be anxious, but locked in!
OH **** I hate this! Why do I have to be so stupid? Why the tinnitus? Then again, if it wasn't that it would be something else!
- - - on the plus side, I did manage to get SOME sleep, and I've never gotten so desperate I fell to pieces. I hate shaking with negative thoughts, but at least I held things together enough to listen to the radio and nod off. I've coped before, so I must be able to again. One day at a time.
I just want my life back, as it was. I've had colds that made my tinnitus twice as loud for a while, and I still managed. Surely I must be able to get back there again? At the moment it just seems like there's a lifetime of misery ahead of me, unless I chicken out. I really need to re-read my own words lately and practice what I've preached, I suppose!
hi messedup. hope things get better for you. i cant really offer much advice on your situation, and as for the pills, you kinda have to try them to see if they'll work for you. My dad is on sertraline/zoloft and its helped him so so much. not saying that means you should do it! but might help you calm down about it?
best of luck to you
hugs
ivy
xxx
Thanks Ivy, nice to get some kind feedback. hugs 2 u 2
Just as before, it's not the actual tinnitus that's really the problem - it's the stress (and possibly depression) and anxiety that's the problem. I've coped with the noise for years, it's the current anxiety that makes me focus on it too much and get myself worked up.
It was tough to help myself last night because I was so cold I couldn't face sitting up to read or put the TV on.. and when I'm so tired all I want to do is sleep, it just doesn't feel productive to engage my brain that much - it's a weird state of mind. Somehow I seem to just put up with lying there shaking and thinking horrible thoughts. At least that's as bad as it gets. I really ought to remember I can put up with that, but it's a whole different world when you're there.
Maybe the pills are worth trying, maybe not. I've had a reasonable late afternoon and evening, so it's given me a break from the shivering which lasted most of the way through the daytime. I did the self-hypnosis relaxation CD and felt the anx slipping away to nothing, which was good. I'll just have to see how it goes tonight - at least I've got the house to myself and can come and can come and go as I please, so I don't feel so trapped.
Still fighting. I won't let this beat me! But I don't like the sneaking suspicion that there's an underlying depression at the heart of all this, and my unwillingness to change anything in my lifestyle means it's never likely to lift (can't say I'm making any progress with the marriage situation) and I could be on pills forever. But if I need them and they work, that would be better than suffering. It's a last resort though.
groovygranny
13-01-08, 22:02
Hi there MU,
Glad to hear you won't let this beat you - but, don't be too hard on yourself eh?
On a bit of a downer myself at the mo - but I've had to learn to tell myself that all is not lost because of the 'down' times. Now, I think back to the 'up' times and the 'steady' times - when things are neither 'up' nor 'down' but just steady. Not doing a very good job of explaining myself I'm afraid, but I hope you get the gist of what I'm rattling on about.
Look, with regard to the meds - if you continue to view them as 'a last resort' then you'll probably end up taking them under protest and view them as a cop out rather than as an enabler. Ok, so you may or may not have side effects - but as Ivy says there's only one way to find out. Taking them will not be an admission of failure or weakness - if those are the right words. Just, don't extend your suffering unecessarily is what I suppose I'm trying to say.
When your boat has capsized you might still be able to keep afloat on a piece of driftwood , but if a lifeboat comes along and a lifebelt is thrown to you - grab it with both hands.
Keep warm, and I hope you have a much better night tonight.:blush:
Hmmm... it's more like a raft I'm on, with shade from the sun, a bit of a sail to push me along, and enough food and water... some hope of making it to some land even though it's uncomfortable and lonely.
Whereas the life boat might be more comfy (perhaps), just as lost and aimless as the raft, take longer to get there, and have really appalling company to put up with. Maybe they're all cannibals and want to eat me!
And if I want to abandon ship it's a hellish swim through the sharks to get back to the raft.
I have real problems choosing The Unknown when it could be good or bad with no way of telling!
While on a watery theme.. I noticed that hours of shaking left me with a rather full bladder and a heck of a thirst. I wonder if anyone else gets that? Maybe it dehydrates us - that would explain why I seem to lose so much weight from it.
Anyhow, I'd better get back home. Thanks GG, I hope things pick up for you too :hugs:
Another lousy night, shaking like a seriously ill person. Felt awful, but finally managed a couple of hours sleep. It's weird - I feel I can think of other things, I feel I have an escape route, but I really do have to lie there and get some sleep for my health. So I do end up worrying a bit, the shaking starts, but I don't feel panicky as such. I just lie there shaking and feeling all the negative no-hope thoughts, dread-thoughts about the pills situation, but without feeling that adrenaline panic feeling. Just the shaking, and upsetting hopelessness.
I woke up an hour before my alarm was due, just lay there feeling like a nervous wreck, shivering here and there, wondering how I was ever going to cope again. What do I do? Looks like I can't avoid the pills. I pondered about going to A&E to demand seeing someone about my worries about all that.
Off went the alarm, but I couldn't face getting up! I just lay there happier to put up with what I was just about coping with... rather than face the cold (even though it wasn't really that cold - but when you're shivering in bed getting up isn't that tempting).
Knowing that I was ill and my work is understanding, I just lay there for another half an hour, lost in thought.
I finally got up and showered, which still didn't take my mind of things - I even managed to shake in a hot shower!
Once dressed and shaved, things started to seem brighter. I phoned work to say I was a nervous wreck and trying to get in.. no problem.
I ended up just standing around in a daze, slowly pacing about, wondering what to do next, what I could face next. Lost. Confused.
I phoned a few people, and took my wife's advice to try my hypno again. So I called him - and luckily he can fit me in this afternoon.
It's worth a try, seeing as things have changed. If I was still worrying about the same things and reacting the way I used to, then I wouldn't have any faith in the hypno... but now I'm worrying about different things and shaking without panicking - which is different... some kind of progress in a way... so maybe we can tackle the new stuff this time.
So here I am, at work... somehow I got here.. but I'm shaking a bit.. and feeling anxious about all the fan noises from the computers - which previously was a good thing because it drowned out the tinnitus.
I don't know what pleasures await, but this is quite some journey!
Annoying as it is to admit, if I'm just shaking for no good reason half the time, there's a fair chance the pills can help a physical symptom like that!
groovygranny
14-01-08, 13:22
Hi MU,
Hang on in there - hope this afternoon's hypno session helps.
You're encountering a few 'road-works' and hold ups on the journey, but your destination remains unchanged.
Sending you positive thoughts, take care.
:hugs:
Thank you GG... positive seems a world away. I'm so tired I'm yawning every minute, both legs are bouncing up and down in that annoying way they do (good job there's a fairly solid floor here or all the desks would be wobbling!) because I'm so cold. The thermom. says 19C, but my lunatic workmate has a fan on (don't ask - it's all year around - long history of arguments - he's just weird. Sits there in a coat sometimes, with a fan on him! Every little aspect of working here has to be negotiated in long drawn out bargaining sessions, whether it's the doors, windows, the lighting, the fan, the heater settings, the heater position etc. Imagine working with such a control freak who insists upon having his own way, and just changes things as soon as he comes in without even asking!), and the window's open a crack for some fresh oxygen... but I always feel the cold on windy days.
If I felt warmer, I think I could ignore the tiredness and down-ness. I'll grab some hot food in a mo, see if that warms me up. If I can face eating.
groovygranny
14-01-08, 15:58
Hi again MU,
Hm, you really shouldn't have to work under such conditions you know.
I have similar issues where I work - I like fresh air, but am usually only cold when either under the weather or feeling 'wobbly'......and I'm constantly being told to 'shut that window' !
But it was quite unbearable the other week, as this link illustrates.
http://www.nomorepanic.co.uk/showthread.php?t=23733&page=23 (http://www.nomorepanic.co.uk/showthread.php?t=23733&page=23)
All joking aside - I did mention it to my boss, with the intention of refusing to work if it ever got that bad again, and two days later he turns up with a fan heater!!:shades: :yesyes:
I've been on such a learning curve these past two years - would have just 'put up and shut up' before.
If you've already been to the hypno - hope it was constructive.
If not - then good luck!
:hugs:
ta.. well.. I've had years of it, we've built up a complicated set of rules (at his insistance!) and we can just about get along. Things can go a bit askew but we just about understand each other most of the time. At least everyone else here finds him very odd too, so it isn't me!
I bought some chewable multivit+minerals today, just in case I'm missing anything - depression from poor diet is a strong possibility. It's cheap enough to see if it makes any difference.
A hot pastie did warm me up before, but I still shook a bit. It's hard to tell at the best of times if my core temperature dips and makes me shiver, or it's anxiety. It was actually warmer to wrap up and walk to the hypno....
Interesting again, was hypno IV. He knows I'm a little sceptical and don't really feel anything's happened, even though he says I'm definitely going 'under' and he can tell I'm responding to it and making progress. This time I had to visualise doing something calm and pleasant while he talked to my subconscious - I was trying to focus on what I was supposed to be imagining but I was still following what was being said. I don't know if that means it won't have sunk in well, but I mentioned it and he seemed confident enough about my prospects.
What has been made crystal clear is this : it's up to me to work at it. I had been hoping for the lazy way out - have my mind re-programmed with no extra effort - but no, I'll need to make a real point of practising the relaxation with the 20 minute recording to listen to, and really put some effort into learning to do the EFT tapping effectively. So I'm off to the EFT website to have a good look around. He's convinced me that it really is all in my own hands whether I get anxious or "tap it away" - so it's well worth a serious investment of effort. Once I can get good nights sleep again, with daytimes being ok as they are... that's it cracked. If I can just stop being lazy and put some effort into tapping away any worrying thoughts - even the worries about going to bed before I get there - there's every hope it can work. I'd rather get on with that than face those pills, that's for sure.
It's finally sunk in that it's a joint effort - he helps me to help myself. There's no magic pill. But with enough work, I'll be able to cope with just about anything.
groovygranny
14-01-08, 19:12
Glad session IV was ok - it must take a real effort sometimes to try and stop your mind from wandering'. Think I'd be a lost cause on the hypno front!
I'm probably way off here, but maybe all this shivering is because you're not sleeping well, not the other way round? My nights have been troubled and disturbed lately and I too have noticed the cold more. Could be just the weather and coincidence but, as I said before, I usually don't have a huge problem with it (being female - hormones and all that jazz!)- and the last time I did was when I was really ill.
You've proabably done all this already, but what about having a (not too) hot bath before bed? If you go to bed warm and comfortable you may stand a better chance of staying that way for a bit longer? Dunno, just a random thought!:shrug:
I think it's admirable that you're making all this effort MU - but don't 'overdo' it and end up wearing yourself out mentally eh?
I really hope you have a much improved night tonight.:blush:
ta...
Well I made the mistake of staying at the office too late, I didn't get home until 10.30pm. I had been reading the EFT website, watching the video and reading the manual, making notes. I have to say it's all hyped so much that I'd normally just laugh and the sceptic in me wouldn't believe it. Funny how all that changes when you feel so desperate for peace of mind. And peace of mind is what I had to some degree, thinking that I've still got things to try, so one more dodgy night wouldn't kill me. Hope is a wonderful thing!
I had the heating on full blast, sat in my armchair with two sweatshirts on and a woolly hat! And still felt cold.
Starting reading the Clair Weeks library book.. watched some TV.. nodded off for half an hour. That's another mistake - because by the time I finally got into bed and warmed up enough to stop shivering too much, I felt less tired.
So.. the same old unpleasant situation again. Lying there feeling like I really need to sleep, with hissing in my ears, the radio on to take my mind off it, mild tremors of coldness, and nothing but my own thoughts to make the difference between sleep or panic. But now I felt more like an anxious tinnitus sufferer than a depressed anxiety no-hoper.
I just thought "Stuff it. One more night of shaking won't hurt. I'll sleep when I need to. I'll grab sleep as and when I can. I can do this. Just relax. It's only fear. I can think of nicer things. Nothing can force me to A&E or a lifetime of pills. If I could drive to A&E then I'm not that bad. I've been coping somehow - I don't have to get worse. There's always hope. The EFT might be brilliant when I give it a good chance. I'm ill - this isn't normal - but illnesses are usually short-lived so I've every chance of getting back on track. I don't have to be stuck like this for life. I will feel happier again. Sleep would be good, but lets not worry about it - it will happen when I need it - if not, I'll just have to get signed off work and rest. Stop worrying. Listen to the radio.. imagine nice things..."
I got a whole hour of sleep and then woke up again. Went through the same thing.. slept a bit more.. etc. Sometimes I only knew I'd been asleep because I remembered the dreams.
Still tired today, but able to get up and face the day. Very slow going though (got to work an hour late), I feel dazed and confused, I still pace about like I can't decide what to do next or when to get on with it. "Maybe the pills would help with this?"
I drove into work in the wind and rain, and the windscreen wipers didn't worry me like they sometimes can (have to be on, a regular noise I can't get away from!). I sat at red lights with noise around me I couldn't escape, and was OK. I'm in such a daze I'm in a world of my own, so external things are less of an issue. It's all a matter of perception. It's easy to believe that when I'm better again, I simply won't worry about all this, because my perception will be different. A more positive mood and outlook - less anxious thoughts.
As I parked my car I felt so normal I almost laughed at myself for just being afraid of being afraid. It all seemed so absurd, it should be so simple to deal with! I'm worrying so much about not being able to handle the rest of my life, yet here I've been dealing with it one day at a time.. and really you only have to deal with it one moment at a time. Only the here and now matters. And if it's mind over matter, surely I've got enough "mind" to take control of that stupid fear. :)
Yesterday was ok, on the whole. Some shaking, but hot food warmed me up and walking around town (when it wasn't raining) was fine. I dropped by on the wife and kids (currently house-sitting for someone) and it was good to see them. Daughter has been sending me lovely txt messages.
As I drove home I suddenly had a thought about the old breathing thing again, felt an instant surge of panic up to about 8 / 10, and caught it... dismissed it away down to nothing again within seconds. I really don't want to go back there again. I'm not that unhappy with the anxious shaking, compared to adrenaline peak panics! I don't want to move on from this shaking phase only to go back to all that again as a setback.
I got home early enough to have a hot meal and heat the house up well before heading to bed without nodding off downstairs first.
Some shivering on getting into bed - but that's fair enough, it was a bit chilly. So I told myself it was genuinely cold and put up with it for a while until I felt warmer. Then it was time to lie there as peacefully as possible and see if sleep would come.
No sleep. 1am.. 2am.. 3am.. 4am.. 5am.. 6am.. 7am.. I head the pips on Radio 4/World Service on all of them! Somehow I managed to lie there all that time, not feeling anxious, just resting, letting my mind wander, and not sleep. But the good thing was, all that time I managed to ignore the tinnitus, ignore it like a background noise (externalise it like it was coming from outside of my head, or treat it as just a sensation - like an ache which wouldn't stop me sleeping)
No undue anxiety about anything, just no sleep. And I didn't really care, so long as I was resting. I seem to be able to get away with it by having a power-nap in the daytime if I'm yawning too much at work. I'll sleep when I need to. If I can't, I'll get some natural sleep remedy stuff. I'm not fearing for my sanity due to lack of sleep.
When the alarm went off, I even managed to get up without undue waiting about.. showered and thought things over with an insight from a new angle.. (more later) and went to work as normal as I ever have.
Looks like I need a nap... I'm getting migrainy flashing lights wherever I look.
All you ever wanted to know about FEAR but were too afraid (!) to ask..
Fear is unpleasant. It's meant to be. It's purpose is to be so scary that it makes us fight or run away from trouble. No wonder we avoid it when we can. If we end up fearing something that we know isn't really a threat and take no action to "take flight or fight", then we are resisting the effects of the adrenaline and it all builds up into panic. Panic generates instant irrational fearful thoughts. Never trust the doom and gloom fearful thoughts that panic brings - it's all an illusion. We must remember that these thoughts are an abnormal response to the panic that is itself an abnormal response. When we do calm down, we realise how we were tricked - although this can take quite some time and leave us anxiously believing the illusion for days until we truly achieve calm. We then realise how irrational it was.
So why does this happen? Why fear something irrational, with the anxious and panicky results?
Because of stress. Stress causes doubts and irrational worries. Stress comes from fear of the future. Actual events that happen are far easier to deal with - we cope at the time, and can put most things behind us if not massively traumatic, but worry about the future can really fire up stress levels to a dangerous level.
When we get too stressed we set ourselves up for all this to kick off. We need to realise when we're feeling stressed and ask ourselves "Where is the stress coming from? Why don't I feel safe? What can I do about it?"
It's all about safety (or at least it is to an agoraphobic). The shaking is due to dread - dread of a lack of safety. We don't feel panic directly first of all - we start by feeling unsafe, and that feeling produces the panic and fear. Once we reach the condition of fearing fear itself, we have gotten ourselves into the illogical state of fearing the symptoms instead of the cause!
Fearing the future is normal to some degree, but worrying about it too much simply isn't productive. It hurts us. It leads us to feeling unsafe. That's exactly what I've been doing all these years, feeling unsafe when changes occur in the current situation - I need to adjust to the change until I feel safe again, and then I'm OK. My most recent upset has been about feeling unsafe - unable to cope with the realities of living and keeping going - brought on by the stress of responsibility of parenthood and being the sole breadwinner. It also explains my aimless pacing about in the last few days - reluctance to move from a safe position into a potentially unsafe one.
Feeling SAFE is the key to recovery - trusting your ability to cope. It's the same problem as worrying, but if we turn it around and look at the same situation from the other direction and think of it in terms of safety - this gives us a new perspective. Looking from the other side of the coin, we can see we always have safe refuges that mean we don't have to feel unsafe (worry about the future). The safe places are either real places where we feel safe, safe times, or safe places in our minds when we realise we can calm ourselves down from panic and anxiety.
With enough safe places of refuge (not actual places - places in our minds), there is no need to feel unsafe and so we are no longer at such risk of anxiety. Know that panic doesn't kill you or send you mad. Then when stress is removed from our lifestyles, we no longer have fearful thoughts about unsafe situations, or we can shrug them away easily. This is the longterm cure. No stress = no worries = safety.
When we tackle a stressful situation and manage well, we learn from it. The brain actually changes. The brain is a wonderfully adaptive organ that can change and learn new ways of thinking. You must accept, I assume, that you can learn new things and go through life gathering new memories, right? Well.. in the same way, we also change the actual way our thought processes themselves work. When we gain confidence... we start off fearing and doubting something, then we try it, we find it's not as bad as we feared, and we gain confidence and no longer fear it. It's standard operating, as far as brains go - whether it's kids, adults, animals, it's how brains work. We learn, change, grow. Synapses in the brain eventually discard old pathways and reconnect in better ways. We actually learn to think differenly, and associate stressful situations with happier outcomes. This explains the success of hypnotherapy, CBT, NLP and suchlike that alter our thoughts and associations and encourage positive thinking.
So to those of you still wondering if there's any end to it, whether you'll be suffering for the rest of your lives - please take heed of this. However unlikely it may seem if you're still prey to the trickery of panic, you can change. You can get back to the happy times you (hopefully) once knew. You have the same design of brain as everyone else, and can reconfigure it. It may take time and effort, and a reduction of general stress, but it can be done. Very many success stories are out there as proof.
Seek answers and ye shall find. You will need to let the future take care of itself. One day at a time is enough.
Whether you have religous belief or not, this is still a great quote:
"Yesterday is history, tomorrow a mystery, but today is God's gift, that's why we call it the present."
So how come I still couldn't sleep? Lying there listening to R4 all night long, hearing the pips for every hour, and then when the alarm went off it got me out of a short sleep and I could have actually slept like a log if I could have had a lie-in! Maybe the daytime naps upset my bodyclock?
Slight mistake today - no hot food until lunchtime, so I cooled down internally and started feeling slightly shaky, started obsessing over the tinnitus again. But I realise that once I start feeling happier about the whole situation (less depressed) I should be able to ignore the tinnitus as well as I used to be able to. I'm still 'ill' and not in any great position to make a 100% sound judgement of how the future is likely to turn out.
So I'm looking for ways to improve my stress levels and whatever depression I may have. The vitamin+mineral pills were a good start, and now I've read about Omega3 and its possibilities I've got a bottle of that to try (extra high strength - over 2000mg of EPA & DHA per day). Also some herbal sleeping aids - containing Valerian/Passiflora/Hops/WildLettuce/Vervain. My doctor recommended Valerian Tea, but I figure these will do if I can swallow them ok.
It's given me a lot of that vital ingredient - HOPE - to research natural remedy alternatives to drugs today, after starting by looking up about beta blockers (and ruling them out as too risky). Also I looked in the yellow pages in a vain attempt to find herbal remedy therapy - and found a whole raft of different therapies I could gradually try if I had money to burn and I became horribly desperate... it's good to feel I'm not completely at the end of my tether, so I haven't felt anxious since then. I've got two things to try to help the tinnitus - I think the loudest ear is almost blocked enough (sometimes gums up) to be ready for my bi-annual syringing - and that may be making it louder or seem that way because real sounds are relatively quieter - so I've got some ear drops to soften things up. Also I've got a cunning plan to get my unbalanced jaw sorted out by going to my dentist for "bite appliance" (splint) which I presume is like some sort of brace to wear at night which stops uneven pressures upsetting things when grinding teeth at night. It should force the jaw into proper alignment and stop the horrible grinding and clicking noises I get. Apparently it's not unheard of for that to cause the kind of stiff necks I've been suffering from for years since losing a couple of molars that threw my bite out of whack. And the jaw "hinge" joint is RIGHT by the ear - and inflammation there is known to cause tinnitus. Biting hard makes the hiss louder. Wouldn't that be a fabulous way to clear up three (or four!) problems in one?! I'd be as fit as a fiddle if so!
groovygranny
17-01-08, 22:28
Hi MU,
I'm still trying to work out how I can sleep till nearly 11.00 am of a Saturday or a Sunday after a very disturbed night - and yet can't sleep during 'normal' sleeping hours the rest of the time!
Try some Cammomile, Vanilla and Honey herbal tea (Twinnings) - I found that very realaxing when I was really bad. It smells nice too so you have the added aromatherapy while you drink it!
Crikey, wouldn't it be great if your tinnitus could be sorted out by getting all the other stuff done? Hope that works out for you.
Think I might give the vitamin+minerals a try - I eat quite a bit of oily fish so my Omega3 is probably ok. We were chatting at break time today in school and someone mentioned 7Seas Tonic. Apparantly they're all swearing by it (get a lot of stress and depression in school!) so maybe that's another 'aide de sante' that's worth a try??
Anyway, sweet dreams - or pleasant thoughts if the sleep still won't come!
:hugs:
Thanks for caring, GG.
I'm feeling fragile today. I was up until 2am last night. I got my wife and kids back at midnight after our friends returned from their trip away. After catching up on things I went to bed with the valerian pills in me. I felt as tired as I would have been anyway, no more so, perhaps a little calmer.. and got off to sleep (fully dressed on top of the bed with the other half of the duvet folded over me - ready to leap up into action!)
Fine until about 7.15am when I woke up very groggy - too muzzy to stop an almost instant 6/10 panic about the loud hiss. As I woke up fully very quickly, it went down to a concerned 3/10 with shaking and a lot of negative hopeless thoughts... fearing a panic worse than any before, that I wouldn't be able to distract myself away from it and be stuck there for hours.. even getting up wouldn't help.. I wouldn't even be able to get to A&E to plead for help... and that having experienced that much panic it would take me to a new level of anxiety that would really ruin my life, etc!
I managed to keep a lid on it though, it just made me shaky again - which is something I'm well used to and I can cope with. I should be happy about managing but I still find it quite traumatic and upsetting that I'm still worrying so much about not having made a full recovery yet. I can imagine a full recovery, and I realise I'm in no great position to question it before I get there... but I'm still worried that I may physically need the pills somehow. Yet once I'm up and about it takes my mind off things and I'm generally reasonably calm unless I start dwelling on things again. It just means I really don't look forward to bedtime, despite being over-tired, and I feel like I'm camping in my own home.
I've done little else this morning but get wrapped up in all this, and I'm trembling and picturing myself diving under the wheels of a heavy lorry.
One quick splat and it's over :weep:
Not very nice for the driver and everyone else though... I don't think I'd choose that way.
I really don't want that to happen, but the whole "no escape, no peace" thing is really wearing me down. Those pills are looking tempting. But if I'm thinking like that, what if I end up with the rare suicidal side-effects of the pills while I wait for them to work? I'm worried about losing hope. I can easily imagine feeling completely removed from any hope of a normal life, and believing that there's absolutely no point any more. Not right now, that still sounds awful, absurd, cowardly and horrific. I hope it always will. What if the pills take me there?
I've started ear-drops with a view to going to the doc on Monday/Tues to get my hearing checked and probably syringed back to normal, and I'll let her/him know exactly what's been going on. Maybe there's some other way I can be helped.
This is so silly. I've managed to get up, come to work and at least sit here without panicking, so why can't I be happy for that?
Pink Panic
18-01-08, 15:07
Hi MU
I have been reading your posts over the days and weeks and i can identify with many of your symptoms and thoughts.
Many times i have thought about going down the Meds route in the hope that i would take a pill and all this would just fade away as by magic but unfortunately life just isn't like that ...... I would surely be the one in a zillion who gets the awful side effects or who they wouldn't work for.
You seem to be like me in that you are doing all the right things and getting somewhere yet it's not enough, we want the next stage and the next and the complete recovery, all this is a slow process and if you are anything like me patience is not a strong point!
It's absolutely great that you made it to work and you should be over the moon but hey you are waiting for the next panic to come, the one that's bigger and better than the last one, the one that is finally the last straw in what we can endure..... I know cause i'm the same!
I spoke to my CPN today and she said to take things one day at a time and aim for what you can do today then move on to tomorrow when it comes.
In your case you have made it to work and you are sat there not panicking so that's an achievement so hey be proud of yourself mate. :hugs: :yesyes:
Love
Pink
xxx
groovygranny
18-01-08, 15:37
Hi MU,
Let's you me and Pink think on this - patience isn't patience unless it's being practised! I have to remind myself of this every single day, becuase it's not my strong point either.
I dabble a bit in baking celebration cakes - weddings, birthdays, anniversaries etc. I am very much the amateur but I do enjoy it.
However, I have a slight problem - when I first start one I imagine what the final result will be like in my mind's eye. I can visualise each step in the process of producing this masterpiece and I know which ingredients I need to achieve the desired result.
But, from the very start of weighing the ingredients and mixing them together, I want it done - now!! I get frustrated when I think of how long I may have to wait while the cake matures enough to be ready to ice - and on one occasion I decided I couldn't wait and what would it matter if I marzipaned and iced it a little before time? Well, I shall not do that again - yes, the cake was 'ok' I suppose......but I knew it wasn't as it should have been. Oh how I wish I could have turned the clock back and been sensible about it........and patient - and I vowed never to bake one again. But, I did, and the next one - oh I was so delighted with it! And it even ended up slightly different from how I'd originally designed it. Diversity is good!
You see when you have a goal in mind and are working towards it, there are bound to be set-backs and changes. But, patience is indeed a virtue - and almost always pays the highest dividends!
Sorry to have rambled on a bit - but I hope you get the gist of what I'm trying to say.
Praise yourself and celebrate the little victories - because this will strengthen you in battle for the final triumph!!
And if you can't find it in yourself to praise yourself - there are plenty others who will do it for you........WELL DONE today MU!:yesyes:
:hugs:
Thank you both, you've brought me to tears reading that - I think I needed the release :)
It's wonderful to know there are people who understand and want to help.
I do know I've made progress here and there, and yet today I feel like I'm just as bad as when it all started. The same old cause is there, and although I can cope with the effects most of the time I'm still so scared of the worst possible effects that it's stopping me from overcoming it.
I'm tired. Tired of battling this. Maybe the pills *would* work. My work is suffering, since starting to write this I've just had a talk with my manager and fell to pieces. It's not fun crying about things at work, but at least she's understanding. But she's got her job to do too, and if I don't help myself more then my future employment isn't looking good. Stress?! Pile some more on, why don't they!
She's been there too - she's been rattling with pills as well - so it's not surprising she recommends them for some temporary relief while I get things back on track. I'm so fed up with feeling like this, I can't believe it could be much worse on the pills. Even if I'm on them for years because they work it would be better than feeling like this. I'm losing my will to fight... almost.
Plan of action.. doctor mon/tues, and I'll see about trying to get a fast-track to specialist help. If it all goes horribly wrong before then, apparently going to A&E in a state will get me seen to, for sure!
ta.
I slept! With 3 pills of natural aid to restful sleep... from midnight-ish until alarm-time. Wow! More than that, I found a book helpful that I'd been delaying reading. I borrowed it from the library weeks ago and only just read it last night. "Essential Help for Your Nerves" by Claire Weekes - fanstastic! It suddenly clicked into place and made sense. The bit about First Fear and Second Fear - things I sort of already knew all gelled into one reassuring solution at last.
I won't get 'stuck' in a panic - there's only so much adrenaline I can produce. I will always be able to calm mysef (I've proved that already).
I just need to work on accepting First Fears and letting them pass without adding Second Fear to it.
I'm nearly there! I did it yesterday - faced the First Fear and calmly waited for it to go. BUT instead of getting down about FF still coming, I need to congratulate myself on avoiding SF. Eventually I will no longer fear FF and the whole thing's over!
Even the tinnitus is less worry today. It's just Background. It's only a Foreground concern if I focus on it. Millions of people live with it without throwing themselves off bridges or tall buildings - I can manage too. I do get relief. I can relax with it. It's no worse than external noise - my attitide makes all the difference.
The crazy thing is - to beat this we just need to accept First Fear and let it pass. That's it! Just accept the challenge of not avoiding First Fear. And guess what? That's no worse than continuing to live in fear of fear in the first place! The panics we've had up until now are just as bad (or worse) than the path to success. There's nothing to lose by facing the fears as we get them, and gaining practice at dealing with them. Avoidance of FF really isn't the answer - it will work for some for a while but it's no cure - the acceptance of FF is the only answer (and no problem if you're already experiencing it!) with distraction methods to avoid SF as a backup.
groovygranny
19-01-08, 13:26
FAN-FLIPPIN'-TASTIC MU!!
:yesyes: :hugs: :yesyes: :hugs: :yesyes: :hugs: :yesyes:
xxx xxx xxx
PS: forgot to add this - woke up at 8.00 this morning with FF out of the blue after having slept for 4 hours:yesyes: ! Got up watched tv for 40 mins, went back to bed, slept til 11.00:blush: ! No SF - yey MU!
Hi GG.. thanks again... glad you've had some success too.
I wish it was easier to have the courage to face this. I awoke at 3am last night, worried that the pills hadn't taken me further, but relaxed and made it back to sleep. I ignored the tinnitus and slept on and off until about 8am and stayed in bed until 9.30am. But everything has been on my mind again, I'm worrying about how I'll cope, and I've got jelly legs again. I've got all confused about how exactly I tackle this, when it's OK to distract myself and when it isn't - and how I can face strong anxiety and let it pass - etc. It's very daunting. I need to re-read the chapter that gave me hope again.
I'm still worried that it's a long hard slog to get better, and I'll get so worn down that I'll end up crying for help again - or lose my job. More thoughts about the easiest way to do myself in, if it came to it, etc.
I've got to be braver than I've ever been. I wish I believed I had it in me.
Oh well, I've made it this far.. and at the moment I'm still feeling hope. Just a bit too anxious. But as the book says, I can still expect that for some time, so I shouldn't get too down about it.
groovygranny
20-01-08, 19:56
Don't ever give up hope MU,
And if you don't believe you've got it in you - just believe that others do.:hugs:
Live your life each day as you would climb a mountain. An occasional glance towards the summit keeps the goal in mind, but many beautiful scenes are to be observed from each new vantage point.
-- Harold B. Melchart
But yes, it can be ruddy hard work! Especially if you're afraid of heights - like me!
xxx
Thanks GG, your support is lovely, as always :hugs:
Just back from the doc. I've got some Propranolol beta-blockers to take as and when I feel the need, and if they don't work and I'm desperate enough then I'll just have to bite the bullet and take the Sertraline.
I had my ears blasted with warm water, got remarkable amounts of wax out :ohmy: and I can now hear with incredible clarity again. It remains to be seen what effect this will have on the tinnitus once I've got used to the change - at the moment I can hardly believe how noisy my clothes are as they rustle.
Although there was depressing news about waiting times for CBT groups or to see someone one-to-one, and a trip to A&E wouln't probably achieve much... my doc was relentlessly upbeat as usual, reassuring me I'm not crazy or unusual - she gets at least one patient a day with similar, and can only remember one patient in all her time who didn't get on with the Sertraline. I'm not helping myself by not taking it, she said - I can agree with that I suppose.
I could have been signed off sick, but then I wouldn't be allowed back in the office and I'd face internet withdrawal (don't have it at home). If I can face being here at all and I can use the web, I suppose I really ought to be able to fit in some work too :D
Pink Panic
21-01-08, 16:32
Hi MU
I have been reading your thread and i went through many similarities with meds. I was told by the Doc and the first Psych i saw that i would never get better without them but was too terrifed to take them. One year on and a new Psych, he says i don't need anti-deps and my CPN agrees and says i prob never did. I know all the symptoms and most of the time i can cope with them. I think the main thing we lack is patience and we really have to accept that these things take time ... not easy i know when all we want is to feel better.
I was prescribed Quetiapine for when things get bad. Only 25mg as and when required. Psych says it's not addictive and is being used in preference to diazepam by many Psychs now. So far i have only used it once and it had the desired effect of calming me .... i think :wacko: but maybe i would have calmed anyway!
Hope the beta blockers give you some relief mate :hugs:
Pink
xxx
Thanks Pink. It's bad enough being scared and bewildered by all this anxiety and uncertainty, but having to place our destiny in the hands of other people makes it worse when they can't all agree... and they don't really understand what it's all about. It's all so experimental, I feel like I'm a guinea pig if I go along with it.
I'm glad you've got some 'last resort' pills to calm you down... it sounds like a nice escape route!
I'm just resigned to wait patiently for things to improve, live with the shaky anx for now, see how it goes if I can get more nights with good sleep and the confidence I should get from experiencing days with no great panic. I'll carry on with dietry supplements, keep reading the Dr Weekes book, keep up with the relaxation CD, possibly experiment some more with EFT.
And if the beta-blockers don't work and I can't bear it any more, I'll go to A&E anyway and see what happens .. say I really want expert advice and I wasn't assertive enough to demand it from my doc because she was too nice for me to be insisting upon it.
:D
As I walked to the car last night and felt normal, I realised this is what I'd feel like when cured! Every time I take my mind off things and feel alright, that's a recovery - there's no difference between that moment and how I'll feel when all this is over. Positive thinking - each good moment is a great recovery.. each bad moment is a minor setback :)
That fish oil is disgusting to drink neat. It's like swigging back cooking oil that tastes like it's been marinading rotten fish heads found in the gutter at the market. I have the answer though - half an inch of pure orange in a glass with the oil stirred in and it's no problem. The orange overpowers the oil totally.
Yesterday I felt more confident, and I wondered what exactly the problem is - anxiety or depression? I realised that even if it wasn't the tinnitus worrying me, it would be something else. The real problem is anxiety in general, no matter what I fixate upon at any one time. Or is that because I'm depressed? If it wasn't for the anxiety, I'd have nothing to be worried about. It's very hard to tell after a sleepless night. I only slept from 11.30pm to 3am.. and then I was wide awake tired.. just clinging on to uneasy calmness, afraid to let go and relax. But surely it's good that I could lie there for hours without shaking? Well done me. Maybe. I don't know, I'd rather have slept.
Life is for living, not just for existing. But that's all I seem to do : exist... just to carry on. The future seems like an ordeal - it's just a scary place with more unpleasant challenges, more anxiety and a gruesome death at the end. I'm just hanging on for everyone else's sake and in the hope that I'll feel better one day. But that's all I can expect for now, after all I've been through. First I must learn to survive and exist - the good stuff can't follow until that bedrock is in place.
And why get down in the dumps about the difficult path to full recovery, with all that Feel The Fear and Acceptance and tricky-sounding 'floating above it' - which seems so daunting? Nobody's forcing me to face all that yet - I can stay in a safe zone of avoiding Second Fear via distraction for now, until I feel stronger. Heck, I could live like that for years if it worked, without the Full Cure, so long as I was happy.
I'm just dying to see an expert, discuss everything, try CBT etc. I may have to go private at this rate.
groovygranny
22-01-08, 10:33
Morning MU,
You're doing ok...ok?
Ugh, don't envy you the fish oil. When my first child was overdue, I had to take cod-liver oil in orange juice to get 'kick-started' Blaaaagh! On the second and third just the thought of it got me going lol!!
Sorry, no pain no gain - keep drinking it !! Oh, have you tried fish-oil capsules? That might be a tastier option.
Hang on in there :hugs: xx
Hi MessedUp,
Monique here. I just subscribed to this site a few days ago. Introduced myself "just back on meds and feel like a failure". I just read this whole thread. You are a great writer. Really relate to to your words from a couple of weeks ago:
"I just wish it felt so simple when I want to sleep... so tired but too anxious to drift off
At that point it feels like a curse - as if there's a secret thought that most people have never heard of, but once some evil piece of work whispers to you the cursed secret it changes your life because from then on you have to be ever vigilant not to think about it or pay terrible consequences." a few posts later you talked about the "trickery of panic".
Oh yes...
I think that what happens to me is that I am, for whatever reason, genetics, habits formed over a lifetime, prone to high anxiety. I have some good tools - exercise, dancing, good friends, good diet. This keeps things manageable most of the time. When I hit a bad patch, its always a combination of stress factors that insidiously push my adrenaline levels higher and higher until bang, in the living nightmare zone. The panic's got me with its evil tricks (like a bad trip). So coming right has to be a combination of sorting out, coming to peace, taking action, about the situations and using these re-conditioning practices like CBT. A combined approach of gaining insight and practicing new behaviours.
This morning I'm feeling pretty even-keeled. Think the citalopram is kicking in. I'm reflecting that these bouts have happened may be 20 times to moderate severity and about 3 times to the point of incapacitating me over the course of my adult life. The 3 times have been linked to genuinely traumatic events such as (15 years ago) losing my sister to suicide and leaving my first marriage within the space of a few months. But despite my bouts of anxiety, my life chugs along with the same sorts of ups and downs as most people I know. Anxiety has not sabotaged my entire life. I hope I get better and better at managing, and I envisage a time that I wont need the support of meds. But I'm 43 now and may be this is going to be a life long challenge. A spiritual teacher once said "Your greatest weaknesses can become your greatest strengths".
Quite a long post here, but your writing is so thought provoking it made me want to share my own thoughts.
One last thing for now - I don't think you are messed up. Far from it.
Thanks again GG :hugs:
Monique, hi! Thanks for your very kind words. Well done for wading through the whole thread! I certainly feel messed up, sitting here with jellylegs, feeling down and wondering how I can ever get out of this without risking those pills. It looks like I have to sleep in two stints now - I wake up at 2-3am and take more Valerian to get me back to sleep again. If that was the final piece of the Jigsaw of Survival then I could be happier that it was just a question of waiting patiently for better times, but here I am still wondering how to cope, feeling very anxious, dreading the thought that I really should go to A&E today, feeling desperately alone in my head because no-one but me can control my thoughts and no-one can sort that out for me, the local health service doesn't really care and just wants to keep me waiting until I can't cope any more, I hate myself for thinking that doing myself in would be a solution... how the heck could I do that to my wonderful kids? On the news this morning some actor has overdosed and I'm not thinking what I should be thinking about that. A small part of me is jealous and wondering what pills would do it. Trying the meds remains a better choice than giving up on life altogether, and I hope it stays that way... but if the meds don't work and I get really bad... what then? I still feel that it's my own thoughts that are letting me down, not my body/brain chemistry - so why mess with something that doesn't fix the underlying cause? Or maybe my brain chemistry HAS always been a bit ropey, I have felt very darkly down a number of times over the years... but then I always thought that was a normal reaction to the events in my life. I really want to talk to an expert about everything, but it seems no-one will do that until I do something desperate - understandable I suppose.
I'm sorry to hear you've had so much of it over the years, yet it's encouraging that you do find ways out of it. I feel I'm stuck worrying about Secret 1 (The Curse) - even though I've been told Secret 2 (The Cure) I don't really know how to apply it and I've not gained the confidence to believe in it. Maybe I do need a chemical 'breathing space' while I learn ways to relax and calm down from anxiety. Maybe Yoga would help? I don't know. I'm so tired.
Thanks for adding to the thread, and I hope you're feeling better soon. Take care :flowers:
The 3 States of Being
1 Relaxed (or calmly busy)
The ideal, with brief rises to 2 being normal, returning to 1 easily when not too stressed. 2 and 3 are seldom even a worry when you're happily at 1.
2 Anxious
Relaxation, positive thinking and distraction take us back to 1 (difficult when depressed - meds may be required), negative worrying may lead to 3...
3 Highly Anxious / Panic
Proper breathing, acceptance, distraction, patience bring us down to a more bearable 2. At least there's no 4 to worry about!
I feel like I've got the hang of dropping from 3 to 2 most of the time, but I seem to be stuck on getting down from 2 to 1. It seems like I'm doomed to be at 2, worrying about 3, for a long time until someone helps me out with this. Hmmm.. I've written about meds there... maybe my subconscious is trying to tell me something! :ohmy:
I can't believe anything will work other than a firm belief that I'm in control. Feeling a bit depressed doesn't bother me unduly, but living life anxiously and unable to sleep is not good. All I want is to learn some mental tricks to calm myself down, believe in them, have success applying them, and in time I'll come to accept I've got all the tools I need to be well again.
I don't see pills helping with that - apart from the sleeping pills I'm taking to keep me moderately sane. Sure, it would be nice if the Sertraline had no side effects and gave me freedom from anxiety, an even keel, and peace of mind that allowed me to live as I need to until I feel I'm in control again... but the same old worries will just come back when I'm weaned off the meds. Only self-belief and confidence are the real cure. Good talking therapy with an expert, and CBT sounds like what I need most. How much longer do I have to wait?! :shrug:
At the moment I'm trying to catch myself being silly and say "STOP! These negative thoughts are just scaring me - what's the point? I CAN cope with this moment, so let's get on with it and change the subject!"
Still trembling though :mad:
groovygranny
23-01-08, 21:35
Hi MU,
I admire your determination and your being able to sustain a good level of positivity - but I can't help but think that you may be setting your goals a bit too high too soon ? Forgive me if that sounds negative, that isn't the intention - of course we must all have the ulitimate goal in mind and that is to get better.
But I feel you may have reached the point where taking the meds might just afford you the respite you need whilst you wait to see someone for CBT or similar. You see taking meds isn't supposed to mask or suppress your issues/problems/difficulties - they're for you to 'regroup,' 'reconoitre' and compose yourself in order to tackle them.
Now, I know you're wary of any possible side-effects and that's perfectly natural. But many do not suffer any side effects, or at least very minor ones, but you'll not find that out until you give them a try (you can always withdraw them if they're not for you). If you do have a bit of a wait in store to see someone then surely availing yourself of something that will possibly, if not probably, help you to maintain your positive outlook cannot be such a bad thing to consider?
I'm glad you're feeling some benefit of the sleep-aide, and hope it continues.
big ugs :hugs: xx
Hi MU,
I'm sensing that the issue of medication is big on your mind at the moment. Like Groovy Granny, I think you may be setting your goals just far enough away enough to ensure you feel there is a huge, anxiety evoking chasm between what you feel you should be able to achieve and where you are at. Hey, perfectionists are great at that! You are really analytical too - the anxiety demon just loves to harness your intellect for its trickery. For me, part of the resistance to medication was my ego if I'm honest. To have a pill solve all my problems would have been a bit of an anticlimax (an attempt at irony). Well, medication didn't. I'm still me, with my familiar problems. Medication just provides a little bit of a buffer at times. Each time I've taken it for a while, after about six months I've started to feel I don't want the buffer, so wean myself off for a while. Its not that much of a big deal. Just at the moment, I think that the citalopram is starting to kick in for me, and I'm only on 10mgs per day. I'm grateful that I made the decision once again to use them for a while, especially since I'm about to go back to work after the long summer break (I'm a teacher) and also going to be doing some study at university, so I have lots on my plate. Hey you are a breadwinner and a parent like me. We just have to function dont we?
Monique
Thanks GG, M... :hugs:
It seems that everything is pointing towards the pills! Almost everyone is saying so. My doc saying that "I'm not helping myself" has been playing on my mind too. And my focus on the anxiety+panic, and how to deal with it, is probably trying to tackle the symptoms rather than the cause. I certainly feel depressed now, whether I was or not to start with, so why not give the pills a chance? I can survive like this, but it's not likely to get better the way it's going. If they work, maybe I'll feel so stable that the anxiety won't happen. There must be thousands of people taking them with no issues.. we see the worst cases here on the forum because it obviously attracts the desperate minority who don't get on well with meds and come here anxiously seeking guidance?
I'm feeling very low. Weak and tired, no enthusiasm, fearful of the entire future. I didn't sleep well last night, despite the Valerian - although I managed to lie there ok. If I carry on like this I'll lose my job and there'll be real trouble. So it's a question of having faith and getting on with it.. wean myself on to it.. and see how it goes. After years of doom and gloom outlook on life, it's quite probable that my brain chemistry needs a boost. I'm past caring about spending months or years on pills like my parents, no drinking, being Offically Depressed - I've got to look after myself and my family. If side effects bother me, I guess I'll deal with that somehow. I'm going past the hospital today, I may pop into A&E and see what they say.
Take your medicine like a good boy! It's been prescribed for a reason... by experienced professionals... you do WANT to get better, don't you?!
groovygranny
24-01-08, 10:34
Mornin' MU,
I'm sure you want to get better!:)
And, you could be one of those who don't have to stay on prescribed meds for long. Just because your parents did doesn't pre-suppose that you will too.
You are YOU, believe in yourself (as we do) and don't base your 'what if's' on how your parents' lives were.
[I'm feeling very low. Weak and tired, no enthusiasm, fearful of the entire future.] This statement speaks for itself.......At least have a good crack at the meds.
We're all here to support you - and your post is surely giving others hope too.
Huuuuuuuuuuuge hugs for you
:hugs: :hugs: :hugs: :hugs: :hugs:
Thanks for the hugs - and the big ugs yesterday :D :hugs:
I chickened out at A&E - there was a room full of people there all sitting quietly, so I really didn't fancy explaining myself at the desk in front of everyone. I could phone them, I suppose. Just to put my mind at rest - I'd like to know how often they deal with adverse reactions and what they could do for me if I was extremely agitated with the horrendous sounding akathisia ( http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Akathisia )
Oh well.. nothing ventured, nothing gained! Feels good to have made a decision, anyway. :) No point being trapped in this state by yet more Fear of the Future. Any one of a multitude of horrible things could happen whether I take the meds or not, so it has to be seen in perspective. At least I've had a month to get used to dealing with high anxiety, which has been worth it in some ways... but now it's time to help myself out.
Thanks again... and my experiences will be recorded here of course.. hopefully I'll have no side effects at all (the 2/3 chance of xxx failure isn't exactly stacked in my favour though!) and that will reassure others. If it's horrible... well... it's just bad luck - I'd be at A&E screaming until they sedate me :D
Here goes!
9.30am.. I have just downed the first pill. Half-pill, actually... 25mg is enough for the first dose. Feels like the bravest thing I've done for many years, and like I'm playing Russian Roulette while locked in a room next to a pile of unstable explosives.
I'm praying I'll get to the end of the day without noticing anything untoward - and wonder what all the fuss was about. I've waited until I got to work, so that at least I'm within sprinting distance of A&E or my doctors (nice compact town here). If I get dizzy or sick it's going to be a problem getting myself and my car home, but here's hoping....
Scary!!!! :ohmy:
personally I had no side effects from sertaline but no good effects either so far so i hope you'll be luckier
try not to concentrate on if and when you get side effects and try not to put everything down to side effects cos not everything is!!!!!!
Joy
Pink Panic
25-01-08, 09:58
Hi MU
I'm going to be positive and say i hope you feel the benefits of taking the meds.
:hugs:
Thanks.
11.20am - not even halfway to "maximal concentration in the plasma 4-6 hours after ingestion". Damn, unless I'm imagining it (tired), I'm feeling a bit dizzy.. which scares me - just what I didn't want! Makes me feel out of control. Damn damn damn!!!!
groovygranny
25-01-08, 12:16
Oi, come on MU -
Less thinking about the 'maybe/maybe not' side-effects eh?:mad:
Just try and concentrate on what you're doing at work - or you really will lose your job and you can't afford to do that now can you?
Sorry for the 'strong arm' tactics - but 'needs must' I'm afraid.
I don't say that lightly or without experience of what you're going through at the moment with deciding to take the meds. Been there done that so to speak - so am here for you ok?
big ugs :hugs: :hugs: :hugs:
PS: good afternoon by the way!
:)
Thanks GG (and for the PM)
It might just be tiredness - I had a power nap and things don't seem unbearable.
So far so good, I suppose. I'd better try to just carry on with life and not dwell on things. Cheers :hugs::hugs::hugs:
groovygranny
25-01-08, 13:46
:yesyes: :yesyes: :yesyes: !!
2.45 and all's well.
I went for a walk with a friend, went around a green park in the sunshine, had a quick roll to eat. I still don't know what to expect and can't see how pills will magically stop me worrying about panic fears and allow me to sleep with Tinnitus (still puzzles me how I used to)... but one step at a time.
It's also a bit worrying that I'm using one of my "last resorts" (the pills), which means there are fewer "escape routes" left in my mind. At least I find it slightly harder to imagine myself as a quivering wreck desperate for tranquilisation... and there are still therapies to try and the experts to see. And I'm helping myself at last.
6.10pm and time to head home. If feeling a bit drowsy is the worst that happens for a while, that's fine by me. I just hope it doesn't get worse when I dare take a whole pill - I'll be asleep all day! Then again, it could just be all those lousy nights catching up on me. Do side effects show up this quickly?
groovygranny
25-01-08, 20:49
Hi MU
Well, your first 'pill-day' is very nearly over - well done!http://iesmileys.com/img/happy/iesmileys0819.gif (http://iesmileys.com/)
When it comes to side effects, everyone is different so it would be very difficult for anybody to give you anything other than a calculated guess.
Also, if you tend to dwell a lot on the 'possible' side effects, there's a chance that you might assist them in becoming 'probable' side effects. Stop thinking too far ahead and just take each day as it comes - however, I say that knowing how hard that can be of course.
You're exhausted and run down because of it - and I'd say that it is the consequences of this that you're experiencing right now.
Use your time this weekend to enjoy being with your family - rest a little and play a little - don't do anything to the extreme and don't give anything but a fleeting glance to those things which may or may not be side effects.
If you feel edgey because those thoughts are taking root, then remind yourself of all the positive things that you have written on this thread.
You say you don't have internet access at home, so we'll look forward to your update on Monday :) !
Hope you have a peaceful weekend
:hugs: :hugs: :hugs:
Thank you :hugs:
Pill Day 2
5.47pm. Similar to yesterday. The tiredness and lack of sleep is catching up on me. I've been dozing where I can, managed to a trip to town and walked around a lot.. but in the end I had to seek refuge in the office for a half-hour power nap. If only I felt this tired at night! Back to the usual wide awake at night.. with R4 for company (and some horrible loud music effects that kept waking me up between programmes - the rotters).
And, as a bonus, after months and months of no mouse activity in the loft, we've a new one scampering around up there. There's an old saying "those who the gods wish to destroy, first they make mad" - and it feels like I'm halfway there.
I feel tired, lethargic and depressed more than anxious now I've got something more real to worry about. I'll battle on (no choice really) though. It feels like I'm still gently shaking from anxiety here and there but it's being suppressed so that it's not bothering me - does the anti-anx effect work that quickly even if the anti-d effect takes longer?
I feel so useless, and it's hard to imagine getting my life back and coping like I used to. The old "which method would I use?" thoughts have been coming back. "Overdose? Car exhaust? I wonder what hanging is like - probably quite quick?" ... but I'd have to feel a lot worse than this for quite some time before that's a real danger. I'm just over-dramatic when I'm like this. In a way I quite fancy being institutionalised, put away, drugged up to my eyeballs with nothing to worry about while the world gets on fine without me.
I don't know how the heck I'm supposed to work like this. I'll have to get signed off after all, if I'm still this messed up on Monday.
thanks again... :wacko:
Hi MU,
Just saying hi to you. You are a courageous person for being so honest. You don't want to end your life, just your anxiety. You will feel better soon once the meds help you get some rest. I have hospital fantasies too sometimes. Its OK to want to escape and be taken care of and I think we should listen to that need. Are there some ways, as well as from your buddies here, that you can get taken care of? What soothes you normally? Music, nature, massages? Please dont think I'm being preachy. I'm giving myself the same advice I give you. I'm writing to you tonight partly to stave off the anxiety I feel when my mother is here, which she is at the moment.
Thinking of you, Monique
groovygranny
28-01-08, 08:11
Here, here Monique.
Mornin' to you 'MU the Intrepid'!
Joking aside, you are very deserving of that title.
It's not unusual to 'dip' quite considerably before you find yourself on the 'up'. Bit like a roller coaster really - and going round some of those bends can be very disturbing.
But, hold on tight, because you know the ride will come to an end and you'll get off, stand up (albeit a bit shakily maybe!) and walk away from it.
I'm glad thoughts of ending things abruptly are just that - thought. I had them too, as have countless others.
So, hang on - and maybe it wouldn't be such a bad idea to have some time off work for a little while; find out from your GP.
Keep posting ok?
:hugs: :hugs: :hugs:
Pink Panic
28-01-08, 08:57
Morning MU the intrepid .... great choice of name GG!
Just popped by to say i hope things are improving for you mate :hugs:
Pink
xxx
Thanks all - can't say much, flying visit to the office for some 'net banking, shouldn't be here because I've been signed off for two weeks. Finally I went to the doc and sat there shivering and looking awful - I think she's finally seeing how desperate I've been feeling and she gave me quite a long bit of her time. I had some blood taken in case my thyroid's up the spout, and she's pressing for one-to-one therapy at the psycho.dept. at last.
2 weeks off should do me a world of good! I'll probably sneek into the office again some evenings to catch up, but don't expect my usual long installments!
btw day 3 (Sun) was awful - stayed in all day, could barely move. Day 4 is today, I've been out and about with a mate. Haven't taken today's pill yet - we've moved that joy until the evenings now, seeing as it knocks me out. Doc is glad I've started taking them, says half-pills are enough for now, keep trying with them.
Cheers, thanks for your support :hugs:
groovygranny
28-01-08, 18:22
Way to go MU!
The ball is rolling at last - and we'll all be here for you if and when you 'drop in' !
Big ugs for you :hugs: :hugs: :hugs:
xx
quick update
I've been dizzy all week, stayed in watching daytime TV - the horror!
Finally getting used to it, managed to get out and about this weekend.
More to follow...
ta for now, hope you're all well
groovygranny
03-02-08, 20:21
MU?
You ok?
xx:hugs: xx
PS: Ah, posts 'crossed in the post' lol! Glad you're hanging on in there!
familymatters
04-02-08, 09:05
Hi MU
Havent replied to your posts before but have followed your journey with great interest. Your courage and determination have been an inspiration to me and I just wanted to say I'm thinking of you and really missing hearing about your experiences and musings. Feel better soon, the side efeects wont last long, (I have been there!) and I look forward to you coming back to us soon.
Hello again, hi GG, ta.
Thanks familymatters, that's very kind of you - glad you've enjoyed my witterings!
I seem to have settled into a managable routine. The week of dizziness has passed, and now each daytime is OK. I'm driving alright and getting out and about enjoying the time off work. Anx and panic are 99% absent, thankfully. If I start to worry about something, I just ignore it and it never rises above 1 or 2 out of ten.
I still get a bit anxious about going to bed, and rely upon the sleeping pills to relax me - and even then I still have trouble sometimes... not dropping off until 3am or so, and needing a lie-in until 10ish. But at least I'm coping with the tinnitus and ignoring it, just about. I don't think I'd be doing as well if I wasn't taking the pills... so I can't imagine what would happen if I came off them. I'm still waiting to hear about therapy, CBT etc - no word from them.
At least my blood tests have come back fine, so thyroid trouble can be ruled out.
I feel very... neither up nor down... just middling along... mildly fed up if anything, but not especially so. Apathetic? Life is full of promise and excitement on the one hand, yet subtly out of reach on the other - like all the good stuff is happening to other people. Hard to explain, really. It's not great to be needing pills to be halfway normal, but it's a whole load better than all the panic and shaking a couple of weeks ago.
Early days yet, I suppose. At this rate I'll probably be able to work OK next week, and maybe I'll get some satisfaction from normal routine and what job satisfaction I manage to get out of each day :)
take care :hugs:
groovygranny
06-02-08, 21:34
Goooooood news MU!:yesyes:
Fair-to-middling is good.....you're bound to get a bit up and down, but it sounds as though the meds are doing what they're supposed to eh? Which is prepare you for the task of sorting out 'stuff' without all the horrible symptoms that you've experienced previous to taking them.
Now, don't fall into the trap that I very nearly did by thinking too far ahead..
..."so I can't imagine what would happen if I came off them."...so, don't imagine !! Just let them do their job for now :hugs:
I wish you all the best for your return to work next week, but would say this to you.......don't push yourself beyond what you feel you are capable of. I don't mean don't challenge yourself at all, I mean just do a little bit at a time, ok?
Ok, lecture over......I'll leave you to get on lol !!
big ugs :hugs: :hugs: :hugs:
familymatters
13-02-08, 08:34
Hey MU
Just wanted to let you know that i am thinking of you n sending you positive vibes, hope you are doin OK.
Thank you very much fm and gg, you're very kind.
Nothing much to report - just getting on with things and feeling fairly normal. Trying to ignore any traces of anxiety, trying to forget all about it... which means avoiding this forum for days at a time if possible.
Work has been much the same as 'normal', I've been sleeping ok, and I now have an appointment (some 2 months away!) to see the psycho folk. At this rate by the time I see them I'll be wondering what on earth I'm doing there! (apart from what happens when I taper off the pills?).
My only great concern is the craving for a nice cool beer... I wonder if I could get away with a halfpint once a week or so?
Hugs to all who want them.. thanks
I had a pub lunch yesterday and the craving for a beer was too much. I thought I'd try half of a half, so I ordered a shandy, expecting a half pint glass worth... but I got a pint glass of it.. so I ended up with a full half of lager anyway.. I might as well have ordered a half to start with because I still missed the taste of lager on its own!
And the effect? An afternoon feeling almost as dizzy as the first week of the pills, and a headache for the rest of the day. That's cured me of the craving for a while.
Nothing else to report. Still on 25 of Zoloft, multivits&mins, fish oil.... I'm fine by day, sleeping OK, some silly thoughts here and there that I just ignore.
groovygranny
22-02-08, 12:11
'Ello MU!
Glad to see you're still 'flying the flag' !!:)
Aaw, sorry about the beer - I was able to manage 2 very small glasses of white wine when on Citalopram...had a couple glasses of red for a change one evening and wham, was I knocked into the Twilight Zone! Very wise to avoid it for a while then.
Keep up the good work - big ugs!
:hugs: :hugs: :hugs:
groovygranny
12-03-08, 09:36
Hi MU,
How's it going http://iesmileys.com/img/confused/iesmileys0569.gif (http://iesmileys.com/)
:hugs: :hugs:
Hi again...
Still nothing to report. Still on 25 of Zoloft (just started the second pack, breaking each one in half), multivits&mins, fish oil.... I'm fine by day, sleeping OK, some silly thoughts here and there that I just ignore.
In the last week I've stopped taking the herbal sleeping pills, and I'm relaxing enough to sleep ok.
Things are pretty stressed at the moment with my dad in hospital after an overdose, and he's a bit of a zombie at present... which isn't much fun but I seem to be coping (it's a bit worrying the state of mental health care here, but that's another story).
I've buried myself in one of my hobbies, which gives me something to think about - top notch distraction.
All in all I feel like I'm back to normal apart from the pills and not being able to drink.. albeit with some silly thoughts here and there which don't really amount to anything, thankfully.
Still a few weeks to go before the therapy comes along. I'm not going to hypno any more, not even listening to the daily relaxation mp3, and I'm just ignoring the EFT insights emails I keep getting, having read the sceptics views on that one.
All the best from Not-So-MessedUp
groovygranny
25-03-08, 11:14
Hi there NMU :)
That sign-off sentence says it all:
All the best from Not So Messed Up...........
Good news indeed mate, keep the flag flying ok?
:hugs: :hugs: :hugs:
Just thought I'd pop by for an update - if only to say there's not much to report. Still taking half a zoloft a day. I gave up the vitamin tablets and the fish oil, and it doesn't seem to have made any difference. I'm still tee-total and not really missing it too much. I'm sleeping fine, and not feeling like panics are going to happen. I feel anxiety here and there, but not often and I just ignore it and it goes away. I've finally seen a psychologist and have got a book from the library on her recommendation (and I've bought the Claire Weeks books - not that I've read any of them - but they're there if I need them!), and I'm awaiting a group course on staying calm in a few weeks time. After that I have to phone up and see what they have planned for me next.
Nothing to report in my private life... picked up an injury that has left me limping for a while.. my Dad is seriously ill and it looks like we've lost him to all intents and purposes, a long grim wait for the end. That's been a bit tough on all of us, but what can you do? Just carry on, huh? Certainly gives me something real to worry about, instead of all that inward self-centered panic BS :)
tata for now - I hope people see that it's possible to go from can-I-make-it-through-the-night to that-all-seems-like-a-distant-nightmare with the right positive attitude and a little help from the pills!
In the unlikely event of anyone wondering how I'm doing.... :)
... absolutely no change from the last message in May.
I'm keeping relatively happy on the half-tablet per day. I probably won't come back here for a while, so I wish you all as Happy a Christmas as you can manage, and all the best for next year.
MessedUp
Hi and a big welcome to NMP its great to have you here, hope to see you in chat sometime,
Take care
Emma xxx
I thought it would be fun to log in again after all this time, wow where have the years gone?
Has it really been that long :ohmy:?
It's been a varied ride, the last few years. A few upheavals and tragedies. I've always joked "It's a good thing I'm already on the happy pills!" LOL
Yes, still on the same dose, 25 of Sertraline. I can't see it changing any time soon. I'm now a single parent, hardly any spare time to myself, full-time job on low pay, managed to hang onto the house for now, until the kids are all grown up. No romance on the cards, I haven't the time or resources, and don't really believe in it any more. Seems like a load of BS that I'm not compatible with.
Well, that'll do for now, hi again, and thanks again for the helpful resource :flowers:
EDIT - just seen about the hassle and closure of the members list. That's really sad, sorry to hear that. Best Wishes, hope you can work something out.
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