My biggest challenge so far

[leafar]

I live in london but im spanish, and on the 16th of january 2007 i will be deported to spain if i dont renew my passport. Hows that for a challenge.

I have to get 2 trains to the spanish consulate in victoria. Its going to be a fairly long journey, with plenty of opportunities to feel sick, dizzy etc but in a weird way im looking forward to it. Ive been putting it off for months but now ive got no choice and time is running out.

The thing that gets to me is that renewing your passport isnt really an achievement in itself so theres nothing to get excited about, as the only outcome will be that i wont be deported, and thats why im really going to have to focus on the psychological achievement of doing it.

[Southern_Belle]

Hi Leafar,

I know you will be challenged in getting your passport renewed but because you are looking forward to it I also know you will do it, so good luck and let us know how it goes.

Hugs,

Laura

[leafar]

I tried to go today, but when the first train came i let it go. Then 30 mins later the next one came, and i stepped on, looked around and saw that there were quite a few people on it (which would make me self conscious and thats the last thing i needed) so again i let that one go, and here i am a couple of hours later typing this, when i could have a new passport by now and i could be typing something different.

The plan is for me to go there tonight. Its going to be closed of course but it will be just a rehearsal, then hopefully ill do it tomorrow.

[leafar]

I think ill use this thread to talk about each time that i deal with this panic nonsense.

Monday 17th dec - got on a bus, got off a few minutes later, walked around, had a "moment" that lasted for less than 30 seconds, dealt with it, got a bus home, felt fine

Tuesday - Got on a train, got off after 1 station, decided not to get the bus which would take me close to home and got another one instead, went elsewhere, walked around, got another bus, walked around some more, bought a packet of crips and ate it as i went (this would have usually made me feel a bit sick (maybe, but not always)), missed a train back home twice (this would have usually made me worry), waited for the bus home. At no point did i feel even the slightest feeling of panic, or anything close to it. I was even saying to myself "come on, lets panic" but it didnt happen.

Wednesday - Got on a bus, went into a very big supermarket with a massive car park (normally id be very nervous and looking back to keep checking how long it would take to get out again), had a look around then went home.

Thursday - Walked around with my mum (id normally be worried about having to keep explaining whats going on if i start acting funny) for about 1 1/2 miles, then got a bus home. I even bought a bunch of bananas (the thought of eating bananas would normally make me feel sick, but this was test. I was even going to eat one on the way home but i forgot, honest), then got a bus home. I did have a brief moment of slight panic (actually it was just concern more than anything else), so i dealt with it by waving my arms around (like stretches), and jogging for a few seconds to distract myself aswell as using up nervous energy, then i saw a library and i popped in just for the hell of it and asked someone there if they had any newspapers. They said yes on the 2nd floor. Usually id hesistate to go up, but i just did it, and distracted myself by behaving in a very outgoing way with the person there. On the way back down i tried to get the lift to see what would happen but it didnt seem to be working, although i was ready to kick ass but i guess i didnt get the chance.

I really miss my panic attacks. Where did they go?

[Nibbles]

That is all brilliant news Laefar! :yesyes: You are doing really well and I hope everything goes ok with renewing your passport.

Take care,

Mike :)

[leafar]

As for my passport, i think ill just ignore it and see what happens. Im kidding.

Thursday part 2 - Ive just been out again on another pointless journey, hoping for a challenge, but it just didnt happen. I always take a bottle of water and some lockets with me, as well as a small book to read in case i need to distract myself. I forgot the book but it didnt bother me, and i didnt take a single sip of water or a locket. I walked into another big supermarket and just walked all around but nothing. I forgot to say earlier that today i also went to the dentist and made an appointment and had an x ray done, which i tried months ago but i had to leave.

I think im starting to lose my ability to have a panic attack. Its really annoying.

By the way i recommend www.panicend.com (http://www.panicend.com). Very useful.

I think a really good way to deal with this is to keep going out, keep challenging yourself, and have some "safety measures", kind of like a first aid kit, in place (ie water bottle, lockets/mints, something to read, a list/reminder of how to deal with panic because it can be hard to remember if youre in the middle of one) for what i call "moments of concern"

Ive started labelling the various feelings :

Neutral - when you feel completely fine, or you just feel virtually nothing

Logical concern - when youre not panicking or even particularly worried about panicking, but you find yourself asking "what if" even though you could just forget about it with little effort

Emotional concern - same as above, but youre actually slightly worried but not panicking

Mild panic - when you panic slightly but you can feel that its not going to take much to calm down/talk yourself out of it

I dont think about anything beyond that.

Ill end this post with a song that i wrote months ago after overcoming another challenge :

Fear :

Today I beat you
Just for today your ass was mine
I knew I'd defeat you
These days I seem to do it all the time
The way I'm going
I wonder how you'll survive tomorrow
As I keep on growing
I'll see for myself that your promises are hollow

Fear
The only power that you have is the power that I give to you
But now I'm taking it all back, so tell me what you think about that
Fear
The day will will come when it will dawn on me that you're through
So if you want to be, remember it's you that works for me

You used to own me
You used to tell me what to do
We both knew you were a phoney
But in the end I was always your mule
The way I was heading
Everything I did needed your permission
And as I kept on dreading
It just gave you more ammunition

Fear
The only power that you have is the power that I give to you
But now I'm taking it all back, so tell me what you think about that
Fear
The day will will come when it will dawn on me that you're through
So if you want to be, remember it's you that works for me



I might write it down and take it with me wherever i go.

[leafar]

I finally renewed my passport today, with just 8 days to go otherwise i would have been put on th next banana boat back to spain.

The journey would have been : Get on a trian, change, get on another one and walk for 10 mins, but i decided to get a cab there with my mum while listening to music, drinking water and closing my eyes for some of the journey, affirmations, etc.

It was easy, Too easy. So easy, i want to do it again. I had just 2 "moments of concern" (it has to be serious for me to even call it a panic attack, i dont think its good to give these things such a big label if its not that bad) along the way, which i dealt with fast. It was a combination of :


- "Oh stop panicking you fool and relax" (or thoughts to that effect)

- "Ha ha , you cant get out so live with it" (this forces you to just come to terms with whats going on and soon enough you accept it and find a way to cope, and its easy to hear when its coming from yourself)

- Asking my mum questions just to hear what she had to say and get distracted

- Thinking how good ill feel once im there, and on the way back home (going back is nearly always easy)

- Rescue remedy (i also took 2 Kalms tablets before we left and i definately felt a calming effect. I also made sure i ate well but not too soon before leaving, so if i do puke at least ill wont actually be puking anything, except the ton of water that id drank)

- The water, music, lockets

- Deep breaths

- Interpreting each moment of mild worry as excitement, and thinking about how much easier it can now be to go out


When we got there we had to wait ages. I had a few "moments" but by now i knew i was almost done so i just used theold "shut up" technique, which was sufficient, and a bit of pacing around. At one point i really needed to go to the toilet (because of all the water) and i was told that they didnt have any, which i thought was bizarre. So i ended up walking a few minutes down the road, into a big shop, up the escalator, down a corridor. It was ridiculous how easy i found it to cope.


Then we went home, and there was no need for water, music or anything. I felt 100% fine for the whole journey.

But i still dont have my passport as it wont be ready for 10 days. My mum said that she'll go to collect it on my behalf, but now that i know theres no pressure i think ill either join her, or i'll just go by myself, preferably by train.

Panic can be so easy to deal with once you build up some momentum. I cant believe i made such a fuss over nothing. In fact i must admit i was actually enjoying it every time i felt nervous because i somehow knew i could cope. So thats it, panic is just excitement that has gotten out of control, and if you train yourself to reign it in its easy.

Before i forget, i went to the doctor yesterday for the purpose of getting a prescription for something that i could take just for this journey, but i ended up more determined than ever not to go to doctors for anything. They really dont know anything. I told her that in 7 years id only had maybe 3,4,5 or 6 mild panic attacks, and the rest of the problem is merely worrying that ill have one. I saw her typing her notes, and she said i had severe panic attacks. What a stupid thing to put down. No way can what ive had be described as severe. I wouldnt even call the worrying severe, just frequent.

Then she prescribed me some antidepressants. I read the leaflet that came with them and saw a massive list of possible side effects. Some were things which ive already experienced (mildly) while panicking or worrying about panicking, and some were other panic symptoms which ive never even had and dont care to have, and the rest were seriously freaky symptoms which id never wish on anyone. And the fact that the list went on and on makes me believe that the makers of these stupid tablets are sure that most people will have at least a fair few of them. Not interested, i thought. As well as the fact that they are meant to have a noticeable effect after a few weeks, when i didnt have weeks, just days to get my p'port renewed, and also i know that they would have turned me into a zombie, so i quickly decided that these tablets are about as useful to me as the doctor. Those tablets are probably in some landfill site by now, while here i am with the satisfaction of having dealt with a chellenge by myself, which i always knew i would. Ok, i took Kalms and Rescue Remedy, but their effect was mild, and only just about helped, leaving me to do the rest myself, as well as build up a collection of positive associations about feeling fine while being far from home. Never again will i go to a doctor. Theyre useless. But i do want to make another appointment just to tell her to change my records so that it doesnt say that i have severe panic attacks.

My next challenge is the dentist.

[nomorepanic]

Aww well done you - that is great news!