Lilith1980
20-12-07, 12:27
Hi all
I'm sorry if I am posting a lot on here lately, moaning about things. I really appreciate the support and advice I get from people on here. I wanted to post because I just want to get my feelings out and have a ramble, I guess I am missing my counsellor who I wont see until 5th January now and I've just got loads running through my head so just bear with me.
I have such a strong core belief that I am worthless. I dont know how to shift this belief, what do I do to improve my view on myself? I have spoken to my counsellor but so far nothing has been said about improving the way I feel about myself. It has been with me for years, I think since a really early age as I used to cry and call myself stupid from as young as 8 years old according to my Mum. Certain events in my life have "reinforced" this view but because it has been with me for so long, its hard to shift.
Consequently everything I do relates back to this core belief, that much I know.
I am a perfectionist, if I do not get 100% or near to 100% in most things I automatically class myself as a failure.
I always want to please other people, often to the detriment of how I feel and what I really want. I hope that by pleasing them, they will like me better. When it makes me dislike myself even more because I think I have failed at it.
I dont like the way I look, I want to have the perfect body (whatever that is!). I want to look perfect, I want to be beautiful for my boyfriend. I look at other girls and they are so pretty, they look perfect to me, and I immediately think I am worth nothing. I am horrible. They are a threat to my relationship. And I believe my boyfriend likes them more than me.
I know deep down all this is bullsh*t, however I still believe the above if that makes any sense, its hard to shut out the voice of low self worth.
There is no such thing as perfection, it is unattainable and if one strives for perfection then they are bound to be disappointed every time because it is not possible.
People accept people for who they are - for their likes and dislikes. I know this because its what I do! So why can I not cut myself some slack and just be me and let people accept who I am. Not everyone will like me, I know this, but for some reason it is so important to me that they do. Like, if they don't its because I have failed in some way and its cos I'm a bad person.
I used to have an eating disorder so my preoccupation with my appearance has never really left me, but I dont engage in eating disorder behaviours anymore. I strive for perfection with my looks, I want to have a flat stomach and be toned. All these celebs do and look at how happy they are. All the beautiful people together, smiling, having a good time. I know this is absolute rubbish by the way. I know that these celebs spend most of their lives working to get to the way they look. They have strict diet/exercise regimes, not to mention plenty of surgery! But all these images are passed down into my subconscious, to my core belief of low self worth, which reinforces it even more.
So do I not believe people like me for me? No I dont, how can they when I dont like myself. What is there to like? People compliment me before, and I should take that on board and hold onto it. But no, I brush it off and put it down to me putting on such a good act that people dont actually see the bad person I am.
Sorry for the long ramble, I'm fed up of being like this. I just want to enjoy my life and have fun. Life shouldnt be taken so seriously should it. All these attempts I make at being the perfect person, the perfect girlfriend, the perfect friend, are fruitless because its never made me feel any better.
I'm finding it hard at the moment cos christmas is a very sociable time and I'm tired of socialising and pretending to be happy when I'm not. I worry though that if I dont sit there grinning like a cheshire cat or laughing at all the jokes, people will think less of me and think me moody. But why does it matter so much?! Its so draining.
Thanks for listening, just wanted to get these thoughts out of my head.
xxxxx
I'm sorry if I am posting a lot on here lately, moaning about things. I really appreciate the support and advice I get from people on here. I wanted to post because I just want to get my feelings out and have a ramble, I guess I am missing my counsellor who I wont see until 5th January now and I've just got loads running through my head so just bear with me.
I have such a strong core belief that I am worthless. I dont know how to shift this belief, what do I do to improve my view on myself? I have spoken to my counsellor but so far nothing has been said about improving the way I feel about myself. It has been with me for years, I think since a really early age as I used to cry and call myself stupid from as young as 8 years old according to my Mum. Certain events in my life have "reinforced" this view but because it has been with me for so long, its hard to shift.
Consequently everything I do relates back to this core belief, that much I know.
I am a perfectionist, if I do not get 100% or near to 100% in most things I automatically class myself as a failure.
I always want to please other people, often to the detriment of how I feel and what I really want. I hope that by pleasing them, they will like me better. When it makes me dislike myself even more because I think I have failed at it.
I dont like the way I look, I want to have the perfect body (whatever that is!). I want to look perfect, I want to be beautiful for my boyfriend. I look at other girls and they are so pretty, they look perfect to me, and I immediately think I am worth nothing. I am horrible. They are a threat to my relationship. And I believe my boyfriend likes them more than me.
I know deep down all this is bullsh*t, however I still believe the above if that makes any sense, its hard to shut out the voice of low self worth.
There is no such thing as perfection, it is unattainable and if one strives for perfection then they are bound to be disappointed every time because it is not possible.
People accept people for who they are - for their likes and dislikes. I know this because its what I do! So why can I not cut myself some slack and just be me and let people accept who I am. Not everyone will like me, I know this, but for some reason it is so important to me that they do. Like, if they don't its because I have failed in some way and its cos I'm a bad person.
I used to have an eating disorder so my preoccupation with my appearance has never really left me, but I dont engage in eating disorder behaviours anymore. I strive for perfection with my looks, I want to have a flat stomach and be toned. All these celebs do and look at how happy they are. All the beautiful people together, smiling, having a good time. I know this is absolute rubbish by the way. I know that these celebs spend most of their lives working to get to the way they look. They have strict diet/exercise regimes, not to mention plenty of surgery! But all these images are passed down into my subconscious, to my core belief of low self worth, which reinforces it even more.
So do I not believe people like me for me? No I dont, how can they when I dont like myself. What is there to like? People compliment me before, and I should take that on board and hold onto it. But no, I brush it off and put it down to me putting on such a good act that people dont actually see the bad person I am.
Sorry for the long ramble, I'm fed up of being like this. I just want to enjoy my life and have fun. Life shouldnt be taken so seriously should it. All these attempts I make at being the perfect person, the perfect girlfriend, the perfect friend, are fruitless because its never made me feel any better.
I'm finding it hard at the moment cos christmas is a very sociable time and I'm tired of socialising and pretending to be happy when I'm not. I worry though that if I dont sit there grinning like a cheshire cat or laughing at all the jokes, people will think less of me and think me moody. But why does it matter so much?! Its so draining.
Thanks for listening, just wanted to get these thoughts out of my head.
xxxxx