blackie
23-12-07, 16:52
Hi
I am feeling so terrible today and have been for the last three weeks. I November i hadn't left the house for nine months. Then a person helped me to start going out and i managed to go to very local places. I managed to get into the city and was passed on to another person. She is really nice but beause i am out of the catchment area she cannot do home visits. I have seen her 3 times now. Then about 3 weeks ago i couldn't face goiong out. I the anixity didnt go down and it was a real battle that left me dreading the next time i went out. Then the last visit to my new person was very hard as a) i hadent been out for a week
b) i was left at the centre while my dad went shopping
c) we had a really tough meeting.
The drive home was a nightmare as i ws a complete bag of nerves. That was two weeks ago and again i haven't been out since. In the meeting i was talking about things i never have been able to put into words and it made me feel sick. I couldnt stop crying and the lady seemed worried about me. Now she says i have to see another doctor to reveiw my medication and a more sinier doctor to talk to on a regular basis. Talking about thoses thinks though has made me feel constantly fearful and sick and increased the racing thoughts images and smells i get.
I dont know how i am going to be able to get back there on the 3rd. Also if i do see another doctor as well i dont know how i will get there. I cannot keep asking Dad to take me as he is meant to be working and its a 40 min drive there so he loses about 3 hours. My mum wants me to go out with the family over christmas and i cannot. She wants me to come to the new year dinner and i have been dreading it ever since. They dont understand. They think if i can do it once then of course i can do it again. Or i get told of for going backwards or not going out. Every time i cannot go out they sigh and ask well why not.
I really don't know what to do. I keep having ideas of suicide which scares the hell out of me becase i don't really want to die. Im scared though my mood will take over and i will have no control. I know that may sound stupid and i dont think it could happen but its still really unplesent.
I cannot see how i am ever going to have a normal life ever again. The panic attacks seem like they will always be there and i will always feel anxious and have all the bad stuff in my head. I am desbratly tring to get my degree through the open uni but i have to do 4 residential units to pass and if i dont then it will all be for nothing.
I am sorry. I am just having a really bad rant. I dont know what else to do. I have spent all last night like a fountain. Why can't i just chill out, relax, enjoy the holiday and start going out again.
I am feeling so terrible today and have been for the last three weeks. I November i hadn't left the house for nine months. Then a person helped me to start going out and i managed to go to very local places. I managed to get into the city and was passed on to another person. She is really nice but beause i am out of the catchment area she cannot do home visits. I have seen her 3 times now. Then about 3 weeks ago i couldn't face goiong out. I the anixity didnt go down and it was a real battle that left me dreading the next time i went out. Then the last visit to my new person was very hard as a) i hadent been out for a week
b) i was left at the centre while my dad went shopping
c) we had a really tough meeting.
The drive home was a nightmare as i ws a complete bag of nerves. That was two weeks ago and again i haven't been out since. In the meeting i was talking about things i never have been able to put into words and it made me feel sick. I couldnt stop crying and the lady seemed worried about me. Now she says i have to see another doctor to reveiw my medication and a more sinier doctor to talk to on a regular basis. Talking about thoses thinks though has made me feel constantly fearful and sick and increased the racing thoughts images and smells i get.
I dont know how i am going to be able to get back there on the 3rd. Also if i do see another doctor as well i dont know how i will get there. I cannot keep asking Dad to take me as he is meant to be working and its a 40 min drive there so he loses about 3 hours. My mum wants me to go out with the family over christmas and i cannot. She wants me to come to the new year dinner and i have been dreading it ever since. They dont understand. They think if i can do it once then of course i can do it again. Or i get told of for going backwards or not going out. Every time i cannot go out they sigh and ask well why not.
I really don't know what to do. I keep having ideas of suicide which scares the hell out of me becase i don't really want to die. Im scared though my mood will take over and i will have no control. I know that may sound stupid and i dont think it could happen but its still really unplesent.
I cannot see how i am ever going to have a normal life ever again. The panic attacks seem like they will always be there and i will always feel anxious and have all the bad stuff in my head. I am desbratly tring to get my degree through the open uni but i have to do 4 residential units to pass and if i dont then it will all be for nothing.
I am sorry. I am just having a really bad rant. I dont know what else to do. I have spent all last night like a fountain. Why can't i just chill out, relax, enjoy the holiday and start going out again.