I really need some advice please:scary thoughts phobias anxiety

[emma81]

Hi - im sorry in advance this post is so long, i needed to vent and write it all down xx

I really need some advice. I have suffered with depression and generalised anxiety for about 5 years and also agoraphobia for about 2 years now. I have been on many diff meds and at the moment am on citalopram for about the past 10 months. They seem to be helping with my general anxiety but they do nothing for me when i have a panic attack or feel high levels of anxiety.

Anyway.. I have been waiting for a few months now to start 'exposure work' with a therapist but i am on a long waiting list so i was setting myself little challenges and doing quite well with them. I was dealing with the anxiety ok i think. However...

I think it was about 2-3 weeks ago when i first noticed i was thinking of excuses to 'get out' of christmas, and i tried to react by challenging my head - why was i scared about xmas? There was nothing to be scared of, it was only seeing my family who i see loads, but the anxiety continued over the days until all i could think about day and night was an excuse to mean i could not attend the xmas dinner. I was having all sorts of thoughts, like throwing myself down the stairs and everything so it meant i would not have to go. :( Now i think part of my anxieties are to do with the fact that this time last year i was pregnant but i lost my little boy 6 months into the pregnancy so this was always going to be a hard time of year, his 1st xmas. Every night for weeks now i have been having really disturbing scary and upsetting dreams, that i am with him just as he was (born sleeping) and i am out with him and proudly trying to show him to everyone but they are all screaming i have a dead baby and i cant get anyone to see him how i saw him....

So with the anxiety in my head all day about avoiding xmas and my dreams at night the anxiety has been getting out of control. We went to see my mother in law last week and i am always fine there, but this time i was so exhausted from worrying i started to have a panic attack in her house. Thats never happened to me before, i was trying to cover it up and ended up being sick everywhere in her living room it just hit me out of nowhere i couldnt get to the toilet :( So i was embarressed and scared and just wanted to leave, came home and my tummy then was horrible feeling i continued to be sick all night long...

On xmas eve night i was so so so scared about xmas day, my heart was thumping the nausea was rising like crazy i was very emotional and kept crying that i didnt know what was wrong with me, xmas morning i refused to get out of bed and my other half was getting a bit annoyed cos i wouldnt explain to him, just kept saying i dont feel well....

Well i finally got up and we went to my in laws first of all i stayed there about 15 mins then said we had to go i kept making excuses that i thought i had left the oven on so we could come home. Afterwards we were due to go to my family for xmas dinner and i managed half an hour there before i just walked outside without telling anyone and got in the car (leaving my fiance there) and came home crying. He finally after an hour or so appeared home asking what was wrong i just kept crying saying i dont feel well. That night we were due to meet friends for a xmas drink i sent my fiance first saying i would come soon when id fixed my make up, and again i didnt go.

The boxing day (y'day) we were due to go to the in laws for dinner and i refused to get dressed all day saying i was too ill, but everytime he asked me what was wrong i kept saying i dont know, inside i was just absolutely terrified of being anywhere but in my house and convinced that if i went i would be ill, sick, heart racing, stomach churning, nauseous, anything that would make me not have a good time and need to leave. I felt awful as his dad had been going on about this meal for weeks and had bought all this lovely special food in and i just wouldnt go.

Today i am still exhausted i am now scared to sleep as these dreams wont stop, my chest hurts from the amount of panic attacks i have experienced in the past few weeks, i dont want to leave the house at all, my agoraphobia feels worse than ever and now i am battling to even see friends and family (the only people i know i am truly safe with) and i dont know why, i am wondering if i am experiencing some sort of social anxiety as well that i have never had before...

I am going to make an appointment to see my GP tomorrow if possible but i dont know what use it will be. He is very understanding towards my agoraphobia but i really feel that right now i need something to really really calm me down i feel physically and mentally exhausted yet hysterical and i dont know what help i can get to stop all this.

Im sorry this is so long, my fingers wouldnt stop once they got started
Emma

[chalky]

Hi Emma,

Sorry to hear that you having been having a rough time.

:hugs: :hugs: :hugs: :hugs: :hugs: :hugs: :hugs: :hugs: :hugs: :hugs:

Your GP sounds like a good starting point.

Your anxiety will feed on itself constantly until you break the cycle of it.Distraction,relaxation exercises,etc will probably be the last thing on your mind but they are great tools in providing relief.This does take effort on your part and I know it is hard to find the motivation when we feel like this but it does work.
Best wishes,
Chalky

[Yvonne]

You poor thing it sounds awful - you have been through such a lot, losing a baby is a dreadful thing.

What you are describing sounds like PTSD - the recurring nightmares etc and the panics - it's so bad and I feel for you.

See the gp - he will probably increase the med and that should help. Good luck to you and keep us updated as to how you get on.

[dorabella]

And I thought it was just me that reacted like this. I have exactly the same problems and phobias as you do, and this Christmas was the worst.

Every year from 1 December onwards I start to get that sinking feeling and the anxiety starts to build up. My problem is agoraphobia - not that bad that I cannot go outside my own front door - but everytime I have to go somewhere involving an overnight stay and will be surrounded by other people. The panic starts, the physical pains start to build and the nausea with it. Each Christmas I go to see my parents, which means 3 'overnights' until I can get back home on the 27th (there is no transport between my parents and home over the break). Usually I battle through it and by Boxing Day the initial panic has subsided, but this year for the first time I didn't make it. Got to the train station but as I was queuing to get a ticket the panic started to wash over me and I ended up being sick in the station loos. At that point I headed back home and had to call home and break the news which upset my mother terribly and has left me on a huge guilt trip. I didn't mind being home alone over Christmas (I detest the festive season anyway) but it does seem to freak other people out on my behalf.

I am not on any medication, having determined years ago to tough it out and for the most part I do. But everytime I have to go anywhere - family, friends, work trips, research trips to France I start mentally trying to find excuses not to go. For me it is just the safety thing - I don't like being away from my comfort and safe zone (i.e. home) and I especially don't enjoy the horrors of the 'dreaded morning feeling' when I wake up not in my own bed and feel panicky and rotten until lunchtime. However, I think all of us who react this way have probably realised that it is purely psychosomatic and that it is our anxiety that induces the symptoms that we most dread. What a vicious circle it is.

All that I can say to you is that you are not alone in this and don't feel guilty about your reactions, which are after all born out of anxiety. You cannot do everything all the time to please other people, which is after all what most of us try to do, and especially arounf Christmas time. We all reach our limit every now and then, either from exhaustion, prolonged periods of stress etc., and have to take a step back and revitalize. This bad period will pass, as indeed mine is beginning to and you will pick up the threads again.

Good luck for 2008!

D.