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emma81
27-12-07, 15:17
Hi i posted this in the symptoms part of forum as well but then i thought maybe it is better here, its really long im sorry...

I really need some advice. I have suffered with depression and generalised anxiety for about 5 years and also agoraphobia for about 2 years now. I have been on many diff meds and at the moment am on citalopram for about the past 10 months. They seem to be helping with my general anxiety but they do nothing for me when i have a panic attack or feel high levels of anxiety.

Anyway.. I have been waiting for a few months now to start 'exposure work' with a therapist but i am on a long waiting list so i was setting myself little challenges and doing quite well with them. I was dealing with the anxiety ok i think. However...

I think it was about 2-3 weeks ago when i first noticed i was thinking of excuses to 'get out' of christmas, and i tried to react by challenging my head - why was i scared about xmas? There was nothing to be scared of, it was only seeing my family who i see loads, but the anxiety continued over the days until all i could think about day and night was an excuse to mean i could not attend the xmas dinner. I was having all sorts of thoughts, like throwing myself down the stairs and everything so it meant i would not have to go. :( Now i think part of my anxieties are to do with the fact that this time last year i was pregnant but i lost my little boy 6 months into the pregnancy so this was always going to be a hard time of year, his 1st xmas. Every night for weeks now i have been having really disturbing scary and upsetting dreams, that i am with him just as he was (born sleeping) and i am out with him and proudly trying to show him to everyone but they are all screaming i have a dead baby and i cant get anyone to see him how i saw him....

So with the anxiety in my head all day about avoiding xmas and my dreams at night the anxiety has been getting out of control. We went to see my mother in law last week and i am always fine there, but this time i was so exhausted from worrying i started to have a panic attack in her house. Thats never happened to me before, i was trying to cover it up and ended up being sick everywhere in her living room it just hit me out of nowhere i couldnt get to the toilet :( So i was embarressed and scared and just wanted to leave, came home and my tummy then was horrible feeling i continued to be sick all night long...

On xmas eve night i was so so so scared about xmas day, my heart was thumping the nausea was rising like crazy i was very emotional and kept crying that i didnt know what was wrong with me, xmas morning i refused to get out of bed and my other half was getting a bit annoyed cos i wouldnt explain to him, just kept saying i dont feel well....

Well i finally got up and we went to my in laws first of all i stayed there about 15 mins then said we had to go i kept making excuses that i thought i had left the oven on so we could come home. Afterwards we were due to go to my family for xmas dinner and i managed half an hour there before i just walked outside without telling anyone and got in the car (leaving my fiance there) and came home crying. He finally after an hour or so appeared home asking what was wrong i just kept crying saying i dont feel well. That night we were due to meet friends for a xmas drink i sent my fiance first saying i would come soon when id fixed my make up, and again i didnt go.

The boxing day (y'day) we were due to go to the in laws for dinner and i refused to get dressed all day saying i was too ill, but everytime he asked me what was wrong i kept saying i dont know, inside i was just absolutely terrified of being anywhere but in my house and convinced that if i went i would be ill, sick, heart racing, stomach churning, nauseous, anything that would make me not have a good time and need to leave. I felt awful as his dad had been going on about this meal for weeks and had bought all this lovely special food in and i just wouldnt go.

Today i am still exhausted i am now scared to sleep as these dreams wont stop, my chest hurts from the amount of panic attacks i have experienced in the past few weeks, i dont want to leave the house at all, my agoraphobia feels worse than ever and now i am battling to even see friends and family (the only people i know i am truly safe with) and i dont know why, i am wondering if i am experiencing some sort of social anxiety as well that i have never had before...

I am going to make an appointment to see my GP tomorrow if possible but i dont know what use it will be. He is very understanding towards my agoraphobia but i really feel that right now i need something to really really calm me down i feel physically and mentally exhausted yet hysterical and i dont know what help i can get to stop all this.

Im sorry this is so long, my fingers wouldnt stop once they got started
Emma

Believe
27-12-07, 15:27
:hugs: :hugs: Emma:hugs: :hugs:

Those are for you hun, sounds like you have had a very bad time latey. I hope that things improve soon for you.

Sounds to me like you need to talk to your GP about your meds, it's seems that they aren't working as well as they should.

So Sorry to hear about your little boy. I think that you have been through alot emotional and that it's all been brought back to mind with the date and time of year.That would explain your dreams and the anxiety that you are having at the current time.

I wish I could tell you what to do hun to help, but I just don't know what to say here.

Remember you aren't alone and that we do understand.

Take care
Tina

chalky
27-12-07, 15:47
Hi Emma,

:hugs: :hugs: :hugs: :hugs: :hugs:

Sorry to hear that you are having a rough time.
Your G.P. sounds like a great starting point in this case.
Would it help to talk more to your partner-I know mine is very supportive.I usually tell her immediately when problems/symptoms arise and treat this as a starting point to fight back.
The loss of your baby is horrific and I cannot begin to imagine your pain especially at this time of year.
Best wishes,
Chalky

sagey
27-12-07, 20:48
Hi Emma, it sounds as though you are struggling with many concerns which are overwhelming you. I'm so sorry to learn of the loss of your baby and how this time of year is especially hard. If you were able to tell your Doctor all the things you have written to us here, it would give him good insight to how broken and distressed you clearly are. He could offer specialist help if you wanted it, particularly with coping with your loss and greiving.
Try being completely honest with your partner and family - they must suspect why you're so upset but possibly are afraid to say so for fear of causing further greif. Be kind to yourself and don't try and hide your real feelings from those who can help you to come to terms with this situation. Take care. Sagey.