i'm so lonely

[darkling]

things have been hard for some time now - then bf broke up with me (+ I'm relieved!) 2 wks ago and it's made me really sit up and realize just HOW MUCH I have let myself become isolated from the rest of the world -

Before, I could get away with thinking of myself as a "loner" -
now I can see that's a bunch of crap -

What's the definition of Agoraphobia?
I have to go look it up somewhere -
I'm pretty sure that I fit -

I am so lonely that I can hardly stand it any more - but the thing is that I don't think I really LIKE people to begin with - wouldn't I have some in my life if I did?

I don't work and so there's usually no reason for me to go out of the house - and there's no one to talk to

when it gets REALLY bad, I call one of the "Crisis Hotlines" and just hearing someone TALK to me is such a relief -
except for last time when they put me on hold so they could answer another line - (truth)

This last month, I have been TRYING SO HARD - to take a bath on a regualr basis, to clean this tiny apartment on a regular basis, to make sure I get to my pdoc and therapist appointments -

It has been SO hard and I can't see any preogress at all -
I smell better but the apt. is still a mess,- I've missed alot appointments with therapist cuz of the holidays -

Have been skipping out of my AA meetings - cuz as much as I want to be around people, I just don't care

I hurt so much and things are piling up on me + I can't make it all stop

I could cope with BF breaking up with me but then to find out he's now seeing THE ONE PERSON I thought was my friend?

I don't know where I'm going with this - I'm just at the end of my rope -

It has hurt for SO LONG now and I just really expected more INSTANT RESULTS once I started REALLY REALLY TRYING + WORKING -

nothing

what a fool

[Allye]

brief as logged on via mobile sending you a big hug till i can post a fuller response

[chalky]

Hi Darkling,

You really have had a tough time.
It is good to hear that in the midst of all this,you are trying to do some positive things.
I do not think cutting yourself off from AA is a good idea.(I am a recovering alcoholic ,nine years sober).
At the same time,I can understand that sense of isolation and retreating from life that you are experiencing.
I do not believe that there are any short cuts to a healthy life.The onus really is on us to put in the hard work.
I have only been a member of NMP for a short time but I have seen and heard of some wonderful recoveries both here and also through my experiences in AA.
I believe that you can and will find the strength to carry on the great work you have already done.
Believe in yourself as we believe in you.
Best wishes,
Chalky

[Lilith1980]

Hi Darkling

Sorry to hear you're feeling so low. I agree with Chalky, don't cut yourself off from AA.

I believe that sometimes in life we need something quite drastic to happen to make us sit up and think, or to get us off our bums and do something.

I'm sorry about your b/f ending things with you and I cant imagine what it must feel like to learn he is with someone you considered to be a friend. Maybe, in a strange way, this is what you need to get yourself back on track with meeting people at the AA, and to keep yourself from falling any further.

Nothing will happen over night hun - I understand your frustration as I am such an impatient person! I have seen my counsellor twice so far - nothing magic has happened, no light has appeared above my head but I have done a lot of thinking and I really want to take this by the horns and move my life forward. But it will take work, nothing's going to fall into my lap!

But I think the harder you work, the better it shapes you and the stronger it will make you if/when things get on top of you again. If everything just "worked out" you wouldnt learn from it and wouldnt be able to see the warning signs in the future.

So dont be hard on yourself, take each day at a time, small steps are what will get you where you want to go. And we will all be here to support you hun xxx