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Kroko
26-02-05, 21:31
Hello

I switched medications to Zoloft (50 mg per day) a while ago and I don't know why but now I've gotten depressed and suicidal for the first time in my life. I've been this way for the past week, my depersonalisation also feels worse, and I'm very anxious and often feel desperation.

My sister killed herself last November. I feel like suicide is almost inevitable for me, my other grandmother (on my father's side) committed suicide, as did my uncle on my mother's side and someone else on my father's side, and now that my sister has done it too I feel like I have the tendency in me.

I can't stop thinking about suicide, it's like I'm obsessed with these thoughts...I have and have always had OCD symptoms, by the way. I try to think positively but it feels like my mind keeps pulling me down...I think things like how death will stop me from feeling this way, on the other hand I also believe that I will inevitably feel better at some point...I now tend to lose faith in that too when I feel really really bad, though.

Things seem to be going for me a lot like they did for my sister...I cry a lot in my desperation and I dwell in my thoughts...I tried watching a movie but I only felt worse.

I'm currently being treated at a psychiatrict ward where I go every day except weekends...they're trying to get me to take all sorts of medication, but I don't want all that, my sister had so much and now she's dead, OD'd on her meds. I already take Zoloft and a drug called Oxepam (similar to diazepam) when necessary. I took an Oxepam today and I probably couldn't even type this without having done so...I know they're addictive so I try not to take them regularly.

Tigga
26-02-05, 22:48
Kroko,

I'm so sorry to hear you've been having such a tough time, it sounds like you are in a really difficult place at the moment, but you are right in thinking you WILL feel better, however hard it is to believe that at the moment, and however much your depression is trying to tell you otherwise. Focus on getting through the day a small step at a time, you CAN make it through this.

xx

bubbles
26-02-05, 23:05
Kroko,

Sorry to hear you are feeling so low.
You say that you switched to Zoloft a while ago. I, also, take this--only it's called Sertraline or Lustral here. (I take 50mg daily). For the first couple of weeks my symptoms did intensify--but it did subside. You don't say how long you have been on them---it can take several weeks for one to feel any better & for the side-effects to quieten with this med (& with similar meds.)

You say that the psych. ward is trying to get you to take lots of different meds---which you understandably are not keen on because of recent family experiences.
When my doc put me on Sertraline she said I should contact her immediately if I had any excessively depressive thoughts. (I was lucky & didn't have them). Are you being monitored for reactions by the person who prescribed the current meds?

Is it possible or are you already having any counselling that does not have to involve so many meds?

Linda. x

Being defeated is often a temporary condition. Giving up is what makes it permanent.

jude
26-02-05, 23:58
Hiya Kroko,

Havent seen you on the forum for a few days. Was wondering how you were.
Please dont believe that because close members of your family have taken their own life, that it will happen to you too.

In this life you never know what is round the corner. Your life could change for the better tomorow or the next day. Even if it takes a year or more, things will begin to feel better eventually.

Whenever I feel this down, I try to imagine the pain I would cause to the people I care for in my life, family, friends, if I was to kill myself.

Please try to remember that these feelings and emotions are only temporary and will go away. The sun will shine for you again one day Kroko, and you need to be here to appreciate it

Take care my friend.
Jude x

sal
27-02-05, 00:22
Hi Kroko

Can see how hard this is for you. You have been through so much losing your sister and now you feel as bad.

But you are on the site and talking and we will help you all we can. It isnt inevitable that you will do that same thing but i can truly understand how you constantly think about it and think the same will happen to you.

We wont let you get to that and i know how hard it is knowing someone close committing suicide as to you it will have become a believable option. When one of my best friends did it i suddently realised that it could be done and it scared the life out of me knowing the hurt i could leave behind.

I am sure too many people care and by joining this site you have loads of people on here who care and will give you all the support you need.



Lots of Love Sal xxxxx

Meg
27-02-05, 00:36
Kroko ,

Remember these are just thoughts not instructions.....

Also that you are settling in on an SSRI which is well known now to have worse days before better ones so you'll feel better quite soon - meanwhile hang in there.

We have heard quite a bit from you over the months and constistently ringing through is how much you want to enjoy your life and this is just a hard bit until you get some relief when the meds start to work.

You will get through this rough patch





Meg
www.overcominganxiety.co.uk
You cannot conquer fear until you have learned what it is you're afraid of. The enemy is ignorance. Vivian Vance

lisarose
27-02-05, 01:16
Hi Kroko, Sorry to hear you feel so bad at the moment.

Please don't think that there is never a way out. I too had sucidal thoughts when I was at my worst and have overdosed twice the last time being in feb 2001 just after being released from a physchiartic unit becuase I was convinced I would never get any better and that I was a burden to my family and that my kids would be better off without me. I did get through it and am so glad that I did and feel so much guilt for putting my family through such a bad experience. I promise that things will get better for you but I know it is hard when you are in such a dark place and you can't see any way out. Just because other members of your family have been through this doesn't mean that you will go the same way. Please try to stay strong and I can't begin to imagine how you felt when your sister took her own life but I do know that we will all try to support you as much as we can. If you ever need to talk please feel freee to email me at lisarosemore@msn.com or send me a PM and I will try to help you as much as I can. I have been where you are now and it is not a nice place to be but you can overcome it I promise nothing is ever worth taking your own life for and I could cry for you honestly and just wish I was there with you so I could give you a big hug and tell you that you are not alone.

Please keep in touch with us
and take care
Love Lisaxxx

Tracy68
27-02-05, 12:46
Hi Kroko
So sorry that you are going through such an awful time at the moment. Try and focus on something different (i know this is all easier said than done). Another thing you must think about is how it would affect people in your life. Keep posting on here and let everyone help you. You will get through this.
Take care
Tracy
xx

kate
27-02-05, 12:56
Sorry to hear you are going through such a hard time at the moment, Kroko.

As you only lost your sister in November your grief will still be shadowing your thinking.

Suicide for you is definately NOT inevitable. You are receiving treatment and things WILL start to get better for you.

Thinking of you

Love Kate xx

bluebottle
27-02-05, 14:34
[:I] Sorry, forum gremlins.

bluebottle
27-02-05, 14:37
Hi Kroko,

Contact these guys by phone if possible.

http://www.samaritans.org/index.shtm

If you can't phone then email them.

Suicidal thoughts are not the same as wanting to do it. If they were this forum wouldn't have many members. Also, the fact that your sister sadly took her own life does not mean you are the same because your a member of the same family. If this were the case brothers and sisters would have more in common than a clone, and even clones behave differently to the original animal because they have a different personality due to their experiences and character. What you have in common with your sister is you have the same parents, there the similarity begins to fade.
I may have dropped out of sociology due to ill health Kroko, but when I did I was top of the class. I also have a 1st from the University of Life 1961. So please believe this college drop-out when he tells you not to worry and that you will begin to feel better once your medication kicks in. If you have been taking this tablet for more than 6 weeks I strongly suggest you go and see your GP and tell him what you have told us, he will very likely change them to another sort.

Regards,

Blue
--
Japanese Proverb:
Fall seven times; stand up eight.

Kroko
27-02-05, 21:07
Thank you all.

Today I had a conversation unlike any previous one with my mother. I've always thought she doesn't care about me, but she told me I'm important to her and that ending my life would be the worst thing I could do to her. She said she worries about me all the time.

She has told me a few times that it would be best if she had me killed...she's told me some other nasty things too, she claimed that this has been her way of trying to relieve her fears and that she doesn't mean those things and wouldn't want me killed.

I also finally asked her about why she and my stepdad seemed to always get drunk when we were on a holiday anywhere...she claimed that it wasn't a way out of having to deal with me, she said they had all kinds of worries back when I was little, what with house mortgage and all...I told her I was always afraid when the adults I depended on around me got drunk and started acting strangely...she said she never thought of it like that and wished I had told her this when I was little.

I really don't know if I believe her or not...but I do feel slight relief somehow...I guess it's because I want to believe what she said...

Meg
27-02-05, 23:25
Hi Kroko,

How good to have had that conversation wityhh your mUm. Its awful when peopel say thing that really hurt us but don't mean them but never explain that bit ..

It would seem that she has quite a few fears too but gets through hers by covering up with bravado...Not the best way - but its her way
I hope you can forgive her now some of the worst things shes said to you in the past .




Meg
www.overcominganxiety.co.uk
You cannot conquer fear until you have learned what it is you're afraid of. The enemy is ignorance. Vivian Vance

Kroko
02-03-05, 16:23
I feel so bad...

I'm still in the psychiatric ward (I'm at home now but I go there every day). I was put back on Fevarin/Luvox as I started getting suicidal thoughts and depression on Zoloft...but I still feel awful, I feel out of strength, I feel hopeless, things seem so bleak. I've been talking to the staff at the ward about how I feel...I wish it would help me more...I wish someone would. :(

JPF
02-03-05, 18:50
Hi Kroko

I'm really sorry to read how you're feeling at the moment.. I know it's easy for someone else to say it but hang on in there.. we're all here to support you and listen to you, I know it's a very lonely feeling but remember where we are.. give youself some time for the meds to work and never give up hope on anything; keep telling yourself it's a bad patch and that you'll come through it..

Hang on in there - we're all rooting for you.

JP

Jan
15-04-05, 20:47
Hi Kroko

Dont feel bad about having to go to the psychiatric ward, it is a temp thing whilst you are getting over the worst of your depression and anxiety. I would imagine that because of your sister and your thoughts they would want to keep close eye on you. Unfortunately I have been told that some meds do make you have suicidal thoughts but thats all they are and because of your family history this would be at the forefront of your mind. I know it is difficult to think of now but life really is for living and suicide is not a get out clause. I truly believe that if we take the easy option out(and trust me I have thought about it so much lately) we only have to come back again to relive things and learn the lessons that we missed or opted out of first time so it isnt worth it. Think what you will miss!! I know that this difficult for you but as long as you have a tiny piece of hope then it is a foundation to start from and with all the help support advice and caring from everybody here you will get there. Whenever things get really tough you know that you only have to come on to the forum and contact someone and they will be there for you.

take care

Janine