Lilith1980
02-01-08, 11:17
Hi all,
Thought I would share as this is something I have been thinking about over the holidays and its running round my head so I need to let it out!
I suffered with anorexia and bullimia for 4 years up until a couple of years ago. Although I have mainly stopped engaging in the behaviours (restricting or binging and purging) the psychological reasons behind it haven't really left me. If I feel particularly anxious I do tend to be more wary of food and don't eat as much as I should. But I still force myself to eat something because I know going down that route again would not help me.
The eating disorder was my way of wanting to be in control of how much I weighed/how I looked. I still have problems comprehending that people do, or will like me regardless of whether I have a flat stomach or not. They will like me for ME.
My problem with this is that as humans we tend to judge on looks in terms of first impressions. I have been guilty of that, or maybe I do it because I am so preoccupied with the whole looks thing in the first place. I dont like this aspect of human nature. I dont want people to judge me just because of how I look. The problem is, no matter how much I kept control of my weight, it didnt work, I never liked myself any better and even now I think people don't like me. So it can't just be down to the fact I may have a bit of excess fat here and there. But I know deep down its not people having a problem with me, its ME having a problem with me and assuming others feel the same.
When I used to make myself ill, it was a release. It was a physical way of getting rid of the feelings I had inside me - self-hate, disgust, anger. And for a short while after each purging incident, I would be calm. But towards the end, it didnt help anymore and I felt like I was going crazy.
I know I am rambling. I'm feeling a bit out of sorts today. First day back in work, not really recovered fully from my cold and a weird new year. I dont feel like I fit in here, I moved to the Midlands from London and although I have some lovely friends, I feel alone. I need to make my own friends here really. My b/f and I share the same mates so when he wants to go out with them on his own, I am left indoors with no one to see. So I'm going to make more of an effort to meet new people.
Anyway, what I wanted to say was, that the more I thought I was in control with watching my weight, and the more I thought I could supress my feelings by engaging in those behaviours, the more out of control I became. Someone once said that "you think you are in control of the disease, but it is controlling you. You have to let go to regain control".
I liken this to my anxiety now. I have stopped the eating disorder behaviours, but there is nothing to "control" my anxiety anymore or keep it in check. I guess anorexia was my crutch. My only coping mechanism now is to try and control things around me to minimise the upset to myself. But the more I try and control these things, the more out of control I become and I end up messing with my own head.
Maybe it is time that I stopped trying to control things which I can't control anyway. If things are going to happen they will do, and no amount of me trying to prevent them will help. I may delay things, but if they are destined to happen, they will. Maybe it is time for me to let go, and regain control of myself. But its scary to let go...just like it was scary to let go of my eating disorder. But I got through that, so maybe I should try the same here :shrug:
It should be exciting.....the whole "no knowing" of life. Not knowing what will happen from one day to the next. My constant fear is of being hurt and let down and I try to control events in the hope this wont happen. I cannot keep on doing that.....if it is going to happen then it will, but I shouldnt be "on the edge" all the time, waiting for it to happen. I could wait my whole life and it might not happen. My fear of being let down stems from it happening in the past and I now believe that I deserved this in a way and deserve to be let down forever more.
I dont think of myself as a good person, I have low self esteem so I'm not sure what should come first:-
Do I let go of the control whilst I still feel so down about myself and my worries of how I might be treated, or do I work on my self esteem until I am strong enough to let go.
Sorry for rambling, I just wanted to get these things out of my head :wacko:
Thought I would share as this is something I have been thinking about over the holidays and its running round my head so I need to let it out!
I suffered with anorexia and bullimia for 4 years up until a couple of years ago. Although I have mainly stopped engaging in the behaviours (restricting or binging and purging) the psychological reasons behind it haven't really left me. If I feel particularly anxious I do tend to be more wary of food and don't eat as much as I should. But I still force myself to eat something because I know going down that route again would not help me.
The eating disorder was my way of wanting to be in control of how much I weighed/how I looked. I still have problems comprehending that people do, or will like me regardless of whether I have a flat stomach or not. They will like me for ME.
My problem with this is that as humans we tend to judge on looks in terms of first impressions. I have been guilty of that, or maybe I do it because I am so preoccupied with the whole looks thing in the first place. I dont like this aspect of human nature. I dont want people to judge me just because of how I look. The problem is, no matter how much I kept control of my weight, it didnt work, I never liked myself any better and even now I think people don't like me. So it can't just be down to the fact I may have a bit of excess fat here and there. But I know deep down its not people having a problem with me, its ME having a problem with me and assuming others feel the same.
When I used to make myself ill, it was a release. It was a physical way of getting rid of the feelings I had inside me - self-hate, disgust, anger. And for a short while after each purging incident, I would be calm. But towards the end, it didnt help anymore and I felt like I was going crazy.
I know I am rambling. I'm feeling a bit out of sorts today. First day back in work, not really recovered fully from my cold and a weird new year. I dont feel like I fit in here, I moved to the Midlands from London and although I have some lovely friends, I feel alone. I need to make my own friends here really. My b/f and I share the same mates so when he wants to go out with them on his own, I am left indoors with no one to see. So I'm going to make more of an effort to meet new people.
Anyway, what I wanted to say was, that the more I thought I was in control with watching my weight, and the more I thought I could supress my feelings by engaging in those behaviours, the more out of control I became. Someone once said that "you think you are in control of the disease, but it is controlling you. You have to let go to regain control".
I liken this to my anxiety now. I have stopped the eating disorder behaviours, but there is nothing to "control" my anxiety anymore or keep it in check. I guess anorexia was my crutch. My only coping mechanism now is to try and control things around me to minimise the upset to myself. But the more I try and control these things, the more out of control I become and I end up messing with my own head.
Maybe it is time that I stopped trying to control things which I can't control anyway. If things are going to happen they will do, and no amount of me trying to prevent them will help. I may delay things, but if they are destined to happen, they will. Maybe it is time for me to let go, and regain control of myself. But its scary to let go...just like it was scary to let go of my eating disorder. But I got through that, so maybe I should try the same here :shrug:
It should be exciting.....the whole "no knowing" of life. Not knowing what will happen from one day to the next. My constant fear is of being hurt and let down and I try to control events in the hope this wont happen. I cannot keep on doing that.....if it is going to happen then it will, but I shouldnt be "on the edge" all the time, waiting for it to happen. I could wait my whole life and it might not happen. My fear of being let down stems from it happening in the past and I now believe that I deserved this in a way and deserve to be let down forever more.
I dont think of myself as a good person, I have low self esteem so I'm not sure what should come first:-
Do I let go of the control whilst I still feel so down about myself and my worries of how I might be treated, or do I work on my self esteem until I am strong enough to let go.
Sorry for rambling, I just wanted to get these things out of my head :wacko: