I am a Rock

[Bill]

Some of you may of heard of a song by Simon and Garfunkel called "I am a Rock". The song is about not being affected by emotions, not feeling hurt, pain and not crying. It's about protecting feelings, trying to be an island and not allowing the world affect us.

I think that most of us with anxiety, for whatever reason, are probably born with a sensitive nature. Our sensitivity provides us with many virtues such as the ability to care, empathise but it also means we "feel". Our minds feel what is said and the things in the world around us.

Instead of our minds acting as a "rock", they act as a "sponge". From the moment we're born, everyone is subjected to hurtful things but because we're sensitive, we begin to absorb all the bad things we're subjected to.

When we can't release the feelings, we try to create barriers. These aren't barriers that say "I am a rock so these things don't bother me", they're barriers that say "These things frighten and upset me so I don't want to know". We try to resist them so we create a hard shell around a soft caring centre but it can't stop us "feeling" the hurt we're subjected to, or for that matter feeling the stresses that we try to protect ourselves from.

Gradually over time, these trapped feelings create a sense of anxiety which surfaces in panic symptoms because we can't absorb any more.

We begin to believe that we're "worthless" because that's what we've been led to believe of ourselves. That what we think is of no importance because everyone tells us that what they say is right and not what we believe.

Sometimes we're let down or are mistreated. We're not given the love and support we need. We feel neglected and unimportant.

Our confidence is sapped from us. We've been told for so long that we are always "wrong", that we believe it to be true. We start looking for the same treatment from everyone we meet so when there is hurt, we always believe it to be because we're "wrong" because that's what we've been told so often.

We look for people to let us down because they always have in the past. We look at ourselves, everyone and everything in a negative way, always looking for the worst.

We have no self belief or self esteem because events in the past have taken them away from us because we've absorbed all the bad things because of our sensitive nature.

When we reach this point, we have to begin to remove all the bad feelings our "sponges" have absorbed so that we can become stronger and more self confident. We have to work on our feelings to release them, to come to terms with what can't be changed, to learn that we are "good" when others try to remind us of the treatment we've always been used to.

Imagine a heavy rock squeezing a sapling, not allowing it to grow. The past can be our rock holding us down and to break free means becoming stronger to push all our bad experiences off us so that they no longer create our anxiety and prevent us from growing.

We can never change what we are but we can learn to rebuild what has been taken from us so that whatever stresses and pains we face, we can get through them without the heavy rock returning and forcing us back into our shells. We are All capable of learning how with the right tools for our individual oppressive rocks.:hugs:

[Lilith1980]

Hey Bill, I can certainly relate to this,



When we can't release the feelings, we try to create barriers. These aren't barriers that say "I am a rock so these things don't bother me", they're barriers that say "These things frighten and upset me so I don't want to know". We try to resist them so we create a hard shell around a soft caring centre but it can't stop us "feeling" the hurt we're subjected to, or for that matter feeling the stresses that we try to protect ourselves from.


This is so true of myself. I have done this so often - my coping mechanism has been to put up barriers and try to be "hard-nosed" and not let things affect me. But all the feelings inside me become built up like a pressure cooker, and eventually I snap and all the stress is released usually due to a triggering event.

I think my recovery will be about letting the past go. I know that these things happened but I think I need to accept that they are in the past, and I need to move on from them and not hang onto the feelings they have left me with. I know the way I was treated wasn't my fault. It wasnt/isnt a reflection on the person I am (ie I didnt and dont deserve to be treated like that).


And I definitely agree with our minds being a sponge. This is why I dont watch the news much, or read the papers. I think its also why, if I feel a bit anxious, I dont really feel like going out with people socially as I am worried about what my mind will absorb. In some ways I guess I shut down slightly, trying to protect myself from any external factors which could upset me further.

What does annoy me is that I know deep down I am a strong person. Indeed, most, if not all the people on this forum, have probably been through some tough periods/events and they are still here.....what does that tell you? If we werent strong, or if we didnt have some desire to make it through this, we would more than likely have given up by now. The fact we are here, talking about this, shows that we want to do something about it.

Unfortunately, I seem to have drilled into my subconscious that I am this weak person who is dependent on her partner and cannot do things on her own because I am too frightened. Too worried about meeting people for fear of making a fool of myself, fearful that they wont like me. Fearful of my b/f going out on his own in case he cheats on me - when I have no proof whatsoever that he would do this. But due to past events, I have come to expect that I will be let down, and that I deserve to be let down.

Before we can move on from the past and how we feel, I agree that we have to accept what happened and accept the way we feel. Then we can work on getting out of that "mind set".

Sorry for waffling - I have a lot to say lately ;)

xxx

[boogie-woogie]

two good posts, i always feel more positive after reading them!

[Meewah]

Fantastic inspirational text!!!

Bill where do you find this stuff.

So true and accurate. We had no control over the absorbtion process how do we take control of the draining process?

Please keep up the good work

Mee

[Bill]

Hello Mee,

That's where often we need help because sometimes our minds are so full of troubles that we can't see a way out. Also peoples problems differ so each persons problems have to dealt with individually.

What I can say though is what helped me. Firstly, I looked back into my past to try and understand why I was feeling like I was. This doesn't mean to keep analysing what makes us what we are but if you can identify the causes to your fears, you then know exactly what you need to deal with rather than the symptoms that distract us.

I've posted another post on "stress" tonight. An example from that are panic attacks. I started getting panic attacks at work but my mind was so weighed down with my rock that I just couldn't see a way out. I felt trapped and it was the trapped feeling that caused my panic attacks.

So if you go a bit deeper, the trapped feeling was created by pressures at work and home that I felt I couldn't escape from. Whe I saw a psychologist he showed me that I didn't have to suffer as I was because there were ways to ease my stresses that were causing my trapped feelings.

I decided to give up my job and take some time out on ill health grounds while I tried to sort myself. Once I also sorted the issues at home that were also causing the extra stress, the trapped feeling went and so did the panics. I later went back to doing a job that I enjoyed, where the stresses were much less.

When it comes to emotional issues that are affecting us from our past, we need to be able to talk through them so we can come to terms with them, to learn ways of coping with future issues that may occur, to learn ways of being stronger so that we take a less intense view on living and a more positive approach. To untap the strengths within us. To learn to accept rather than fight them. To find ways of building our self esteem. To learn ways to relax.

In my posts, I try to make people "think" because often when we feel so ill, we can't see what the causes are. If we discover the causes, there are always ways to combat them. Sometimes it's simply a bad experience that has really frightened us into not attempting whatever we were doing at that time again so we need to go back to prove to ourselves it was just a bad day, to rebuild our confidence, to prove to ourselves we really are capable.

If we tackle one small obstacle at a time, it has a knock on effect so we feel stronger each time. Our confidence builds and we can learn ways to stop things affecting us so badly.

The "cure" depends on what the actual causes were.

A little example would be that someone could say something nasty to us. In the past it would really upset us to the point of turning in on ourselves because we've learnt to expect it because we must be a bad person. To counteract it would be in our thinking, that we are Not bad and that this person was the nasty person. I know that sounds a very small thing to do but to someone who thinks so badly of themselves it's a major achievement to challenge the thought pattern they've been taught for so long. Little things can have Big consequences to our way forward because with each battle won, our confidence in ourselves builds.

Hope that makes some sort of sense. Sometimes motivating people into realising what a "nice" person they Really are because they Really Are, can help them hugely to realise that they are for Themselves and so start to believe in themselves again.

Self confidence and self belief are major factors in becoming stronger and learning how to deal with pain that people try to inflict on us.

[Lindalou64]

I Love Reading Your Post Bill....inspires Me .thanks......linda Xx

[Meewah]

Here Here

You must be making good process. Slow is best. If you have programmed your mind from being young then it wont be reprogrammed overnight. The correct method for reprogramming, ummmm, thats an interesting one. The common problem between many people is to forget why you are anxious just accept that you are and deal with questioning the current thoughts.

Secondly when you have your first panic attack your immediate response is to avoid that situation again. As a kid I was always told when I fell off my bike to get back on straight away. The natural process is to go somewhere safe like home and stay there hoping to feel better. In actual fact you make things worse by compounding the problem to the point that you cant even go outside. The only and most painful way to erradicate it is to carry on life as before the panic attack as hard as it is.

Finally to slowly re train the thinking back to the optomistic way of thinking that we may of hard earlier. This is the slowest process because the problems that rose to the panic attack are very gradual and subtle. I have known people with seemingly no stressors, no mortgage, georgeous wife, no financial problems, no marrital problems winding themselves up in to a panic attack because they have too much time to dwell over the lack of meaning in there lives. In actual fact they require something to obsess about somthing to make there life have meaning to give them respect and self confidence.

Mee

[Super_Simon]

Instead of our minds acting as a "rock", they act as a "sponge". From the moment we're born, everyone is subjected to hurtful things but because we're sensitive, we begin to absorb all the bad things we're subjected to.


I relate to this a lot. I care too much what other people think of me, even complete strangers I walk past in the street, who I'll probably never see again in my life, let alone talk to!

Thanks for the inspiring post Bill. :yesyes:

[samsara]

Hiya Bill glad you are getting better, your post was very encouraging and very true, we do feel more that average people but where do these feelings go??? have had therapy but didnt address the stresses in my life, was your therapy in Blackpool? need to deal with life bit more realistically I think.
Cheers Samsara

[smudgie]

Hi Bill

Your so full of love , compassion and care for others, your words and supportive messages are so inspiring.
I love reading what you say.
Do you know something Bill you say about a rock well I think alot of people will the same "your a rock to me"

Instead of our minds acting as a "rock", they act as a "sponge". From the moment we're born, everyone is subjected to hurtful things but because we're sensitive, we begin to absorb all the bad things we're subjected to.

Your so right about this , Ive been saying this about my self for such along time.

Take care of you and look forward to talking with you soon.
Love your friend Ness

[Bill]

Sorry Samsara, I must have overlooked this thread.:hugs:

No, I've not had any therapy in Blackpool. Actually, I've had very little therapy other than counselling.

Thank you Ness:hugs: :blush: ,

I'm not really a rock because I absorb too much myself especially others suffering just like the dog who's much better!......but I'm Glad I'm helping you.:hugs: There's Too much suffering in this world and not enough caring and kindness.:hugs: That's why people on this site like you Ness are SO Valuable and should be treasured!!!:hugs:

[Meewah]

One word to say:-


DHARMA


Mee