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mojo6
08-01-08, 10:26
Hi All
Happy new year.
Probably just need to vent but I do have a number of probs & whilst I'm doing my best but struggling to cope.
This morning was a real low point I was dropping off my son at school and caught the eye of one of the other Dad's who I socialise with.( he's a great bloke, good fun and I like him)
He started to make his way over and I was just consumed by terror of speaking to him.
When he got within 10 yards of me I blurted out that 'sorry I got to go' and ran out of the school yard. leaving him with a bemused look on his face and making me look like a complete idiot.
In the background to all this I've been giong through months of medical tests which thankfully have shown nothing serious but the stress this has placed on me (& my family ) has been significant.
Then in september my wife lost her Dad and then within a month of this I lost mine.
Then we've been entertaining and being enetertained all through Christmas when all I really wanted to do was curl up and sleep.
But, whatever happens the wagon just keeps rollin, the bills need paying and life goes on.
Trouble is I'm so strung out I am beggining to socially withdraw and find social events are generally unpleasant. ( there are exceptions but not often)
My wife has noted that I no longer go out on an evening with my friends ( mainly because I feel so rubbish most of the time)
My habit of rumenating on health issues is also unhelpful.
My doc I'm sure wants to prescribe either anti depressants or some other medication but I'm generally opposed to taking any of that stuff if I can find alternative ways of dealing with stuff.
Last time I was in such bad shape I had CBT therapy and that worked well and I jhave been oK for a couple of years until this latest flare up.
Don't know what I will say to this other Dad when I next see him I'm going to look a total twonk for running off like I did.
Sorry for going on I just feel like a guitar string that is tightened right to the max anf is about to go pop.
Any advice is helpful - sorry for going on and thanks for reading.
Mojo xx

PUGLETMUM
08-01-08, 10:45
hi,
this is all typical, most people on here will tell you theyve experienced this. i think the best advice i could give is to just forget it - the other guy probably hasnt given it a second thought,he probably just thought you were in a rush to go somewhere. if he took it as a personal slight then he probably has issues himself? but really what difference does it make what people think? you will never ever know the truth of what people think anyway. this is something that greatly complicates your situation. you feel bad enough as it is without worrying about the social side of your life, and it sounds as though really your doing a pretty good job on that score but dont realise it? maybe you could do with doing a bit of soul searching with regards what is important to you? if you do genuinely want to continue to socialise then you would probably have to push yourself because if you are waiting until you feel tip-top then you may lose your social connections, its more likey that you will continue to feel ilike this if you avoid social contact until you feel better. nobody notices what you are going through unless they have been through it themselves and then become particularly attuned to other people. so maybe some people will know how you feel but depending on what sort of people you know really, generally people who just get on with life and have never really taken to looking inwards dont tend to have a great deal of sympathy. but again it doesnt really matter, you dont need to be understood to continue being friends with someone, i think this is a private matter for you and i dont think you need to change what you do because of it i think you just need to adapt for the time being while you are feeling so strung out.

for instance if you have a social engagement then you have to plan carefully your day so you can cope with it eg do realaxation, positive thinking, accepting how you feel but doing it anyway, not doing too much in the day, so not running around like a headless chicken, getting some fresh air and exercise and eating well, and distracting yourself from your worried/negative thoughts with something you find enjoyable. all of these things help you to manage how you are feeling without having to give up your life, believe me if you do give your life up it is 1000 times harder to pick it all up again.

take care emma

Lilith1980
08-01-08, 11:48
Hi Mojo

Have you thought of having some more CBT? Or maybe some counselling just so you can talk things through with someone?

When I get really worn down by my anxiety, I dread the thought of socialising. All I want to do is stay indoors. But I force myself to go out, mainly because I fear that if I keep avoiding going out, I will eventually not go out at all. Deep down I am a people person, I like talking to people, but my fear of not being liked doesnt make this as enjoyable an experience as it should be.

Even if you go out and you arent that talkative, what does it matter? I have talked to my counsellor about this and about my need to be all smiley and jokey when I go out in a group of friends. I try to be all things to all people and its not possible. And why should I put on a smile if its not how I feel - no one can be happy all of time. We wouldnt expect our friends to be happy all the time, and if they dont look happy we normally ask/wonder if everything is ok, we dont judge them and think "what a moody little so-and-so".

If you're not that talkative when you go out and prefer to sit and listen rather than contribute then that shouldnt be a problem. I have been out with groups of friends and have drifted off into a world of my own and no one said anything. Conversely, I was other the other week and I noticed one of our friends was sat there not talking to anyone - everyone else was having conversations but he was deep in thought about something. But I didnt think to myself "how rude", I just noticed he was deep in thought and then carried on with the conversation I was involved in.

I think its important that you keep these social connections "alive". Even if you're not "all singing and dancing" then what does that matter? You're not the court jester and no one expects you to be. They just want to see you and experience your company.

I can understand the need to "hide away" when things get on top of you, but eventually you have to "push the covers" off of you and make sure you keep yourself connected with friends.

As for this guy at the school, I wouldnt dwell on it. I know this is easier said than done as I am queen of the dwellers! ;)

Maybe he did notice that you went off in a bit of rush but I doubt very much he thought badly about it. Even if he did think it was a bit odd, don't let it bother you. I'm sure he has long forgotten about it. Your worrying about what people think might be linked with low self-esteem. I place too much importance of what others think when I would be so much more relaxed if I didnt.

Take some time out to relax, do something you know will help you unwind. You need to give your mind a bit of downtime if you can xxx

mojo6
08-01-08, 19:07
Thanks for your comments.
It's nice to be able to discuss this anonymously and not to have to trouble relatives (who have to live with you !)
I think it surprised me today - normally I would simply feel pretty uncomfortable and just deal with it - but today I didn't feel like I could and I bolted.
I sent the other Dad a text apologising and saying that I had something really urgent to deal with.
White lie, I know, but like you say unless you've been through it you don't see it in others. He was fine and is looking forward to our next social next week (which I know will be fine)
Just going to treat this as a blip and start to push myself more socially.
I work form home and it's easy for me just to sit behind a pc all day so I will take this as a hint to get out more and do more.
Thanks for your support & advice.
Will let you know how it goes.
Mojo xx

PUGLETMUM
09-01-08, 14:53
glad you sound more positive and as though you have got things in perspective - being alone alot can have unwanted side effects as new full-time mums find out! so yes i think your right in seeing this as a sign to push yourself not to wrap yourself up in cotton wool, believe me it doesnt work, once you decide to face the world again you still feel the same! it doesnt just go away! keep us posted

mojo6
24-01-08, 13:19
I still have my moments, but a couple of weeks on and I do feel a bit better.
At the time I was utterly consumed by the fear welling up inside.
Since then I have been in situations where I just want to run off (but can't) and have just dealt with it as I normally do - ride the adrenaline and wait for it to subside. Uncomfortable, but do-able.
Yesterday I had to go out to a high pofile meeting in a busy office and meet with 3 top exec's - there were just a couple of times when I had the urge to flee but I managed to keep a lid on it.
This is more like the norm for me.
Not great living with this, but may seek more CBT to help dampen things down again.
I have started exercising more and have regular massage and setting appointments to get me away from my solitary daytime existance.
I feel things are starting to move in the right direction.
Like you say, I don't think you ever get free of this, but you can minimise the effects and make life more enjoyable.

I read somewhere that a hero dies only once - a coward 1000 times.
Theres a message in there for us all.

fifi
24-01-08, 13:38
Hi Mojo,

Just saw your post, only joined the site a couple of days ago. Would be really interested to hear of your CBT success. I bought a book on low self esteem that's CBT based and I've found it to be very helpful but what I have noticed is that it takes real commitment and motivation, which is not always possible with 3 kids and lifes problems that inevitably come up. I started it July last year and had really positive results and for the 1st time in years actually felt the anxiety free me and confidence starting to return. Unfortunately had some fairly traumatic family issues to deal with, CBT went on the back burner and am now back at starting point again. I presume you saw a trained counsellor for your CBT and it sounds like it's had pretty long term results?

Would be great to hear about this.

Fifi

PUGLETMUM
24-01-08, 16:51
:) hi mojo, really pleased for you that you have been able to turn things around - it is because you havent escaped, and that is the only reason. the specialists in behaviour know that its the running away that reinforces the problem. it doesnt go away immediately bu tstick in there and have faith that it will go completely if you continue as you are, NO AVOIDANCE!!!!! well done emma:yesyes:

mojo6
28-01-08, 15:23
Hi Fifi
I had CBT a couple of years ago for panic attacks, fear of heart attack and anxiety in general.
It was a weekly appointment for about 7 weeks - and they help you re-train your mind to think rationally again. It's not easy but it IS effective.
One of the tasks I had to do was to deliberately hyperventilate to bring on the sensations of panic - this makes you go lightheaded, fingers tingle etc. My Homework involved doing this 3 times per day - over time the brain became re-programmed to realise that although unpleasant - it was not harmful.
Jill (one of the mods) also gave me a huge tip - when you feel the panic welling up inside ask the 'feeling' a question - 'what do you want to tell me?' sounds stupid but it helps break the cycle.
Your mind learns not to fear these feelings anymore. Cos that's all they are 'feelings'
You begin to see the signs of panic for what they really are(psychological triggers) and no longer respond to them in the same way- at first the gains are slow but as your confidence grows the panic and anxiety starts to subside.
It is quite expensive but if you can spare the time with your family commitments I would definitely recommend it. Good Luck.

Thanks too for the support Emma - we just have to keep working at it eh?
M

Meewah
31-01-08, 00:36
I know this may sound strange but why not tell them that you suffer from anxiety and tou frak out now and then. I found they either avoid you or they are very supportive. Sorts the wheat from the chaff.

Try it.

Mee