View Full Version : Not sure if this is OCD
Gaffertape
28-02-05, 21:45
I was in the midst of a creative void in my life, and it seems like I focused all of my energy on two work friendships last summer. We spent a great deal of time together - even outside of work - and enjoyed each others' company immensely. Alas it seems that I made them more important than anything else in my life. After some time they approached me to indicate that I was just being 'a bit too much ' so I tried to back off, but then found myself analyzig every conversation and interactiom, and my behavior became even more odd.
I was called out for my behavior on two different occasions, but, alas, I didn't seem to grow a lot because of it.
I'm now at a point where one girl won't even speak to me and the other is just cold business. I sent them an email a month ago stating my seriousness n getting help for my problem, but no resonse has been forthcoming. I laid out gudelnes in my email about how I would keep my distance and just let things progress.
But it's been a month, and I'm frustrated beyond belief.
Each workday is a new world of pain as I experience their coldness.
I don't know how to move forward when I've opted to tie my own hands.
GAFF
Hi Gaff
It isnt easy what you are going through and i have no magic answers. You need to remember how you feel some people wont understand, i have lost many people for needing them too much and i know realise it is simply due to ignorance. Not that they intend to be like that but they simply dont recognise or understand how you feel.
I appreciate how hard it is but you carry on been you and hopefully they will eventually appreciate how hard this has been for you.
Lots of Love Sal xxxxx
Hi Gaff
I have had a tendency to get too close to certain people and become too clingy. This can make me seem too intense and some people back away from that. I know that these friendships are always more important to me than they are to the other person involved.
Do you have other friends that you see and can go out with. What about family? What kind of support do you have?
It isn't easy when people back away and I know that it hurts a lot. There isn't really anything you can do about the friends you feel you have lost. However, what can help is to try to make lots of different friends and contacts so you don't became too dependent on any one person. This isn't always easy as I know from experience, but I think is may be a way of preventing similar situations in the future.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Gaffertape
01-03-05, 01:54
I have a good support network of friends, but my problem built these two girls to superimportant levels, so their loss has been devastating.
Its very hard to go to work each day, seeing them give me the cold shoulder when we used to be so close.
I've placed a lot of pressure on my fiancee and on several other friends, who are sympathetic, but I think they're all getting a bit sick of my problem. I'm aware that friendships come and go - I've lost many friends in my time - but I'm finding this extremely hard, now that its been a solid month of no communication, and I have to keep going back into that hell. The term 'clingy' is dead-on. I needed constant reassurance that the friendships were in good shape, and ironically that's what damaged them to such a degree. They could have replied to my email with a definite 'no chance', but instead I received no reply at all. I'm doing everything I can to make things better, but the waiting for some kind of response is pretty unbearable.
gaff
HI Gaff,
I know exactly what you mean. It is so horrible getting so attached to people and wanting them to answer your mail or call or be as attached as you are.
I have a very close net of friends, where I function perfectly alright. However, I also get very attached to certain people. I have no idea how this happens, no idea why and no idea how I could advise you, but it happens.
I get very frustrated and try and calm myself down, but it just isn't possible.
It all has something to do with being left. We are so afraid of losing certain people that we seem to get really attached which obviously makes it just all the more difficult. It's our self-esteem that seems to do this. You probably sit there ruminating from mornings till evenings. You can't break out of it and just get more and more frustrated.
I now try to sort this problem out by saying, "THis is only your OCD, which is playing tricks on you. These people still like you and they still want you around."
My OCD makes me go into full gear when someboday says they like me. For example when someone says to me that I'M a good person and I like this person who has said this, then I completely give gas in my mind. I think about it constantly up until a point where I don't believe this person could have said anything like this. I seem to panic that it isn't true. We then seem to get attached because of this. WE want to "check" whether the person does still like us or not.
I know how difficult it is, but try and tell yourself that this is only your mind playing tricks on you.
I seem to have written a bit of a muddle here, but I hope you can understand what I'M trying to say.
Jeannie:)
Gaffertape
01-03-05, 08:33
Thanks for the replies - I'm glad I found this forum, because now at least I know that my situation isn't unique.
Jeannie, I'd like to think that these people will want me back as friends, but unfortunately I have no way of knowing if that's the case.
They could have responded to my email with a complete negative, and perhaps even returned some of the things I've lent to them from time to time. To get no answer at all, however, leaves me in a really nasty state of limbo.
I've tied my own hands, and am giving them complete space - the only contact now is strictly professional and work related. I'm not allowing myself to talk to them about anything on a social level, or even more importantly, about my condition. I suppose in a way, this is my own form of behavior therapy - exposure to the problem, but stopping myself from saying what I'm dying to say.
The paxil may be helping me to cry less than I was a month ago, but unfortunately, nothing stops the emotions that I feel. Like you said - the loss and the hurt. And of course, I have to go back to work five days a week and face their coldness, just praying (and I'm not a religious man) that one of these days things will improve.
I'm fully aware that I'll be of no good to them as a friend until I sort myself out, but its hard to get there when I'm forever worrying about whether they'll speak to me again.
I've tried to be angry with them, but the worst I can muster is a feeling of disappointment. The worst thing that could have been said of my behavior is that I was a bit of a pain in the arse with them at work, but nothing close to harrassment, and nothing of a sexual connetation; these are just friends.
Friends come and go, but because I made these two so important, their loss is overwhelming.
Thanks to all for writing.
GAFF
Hello Gaff,
Let me try and give you an example of my behaviour towards certain people.
I'm English but live in Germany and have done for many years now. Somehow I got into working on the internet and doing English corrections for a big German website who were helping German children with their English.
I used to help them by correcting their webpage and exercises. I would do a correction and then send it to England to have it checked, because I was petrified of making mistakes and MY mistakes being online. Anyway to cut a very long story short I would then send off my corrections which I'd double-checked (more than double-checked) and would then mail back and forwards to this woman whose site it was. Sometimes I really panicked, because I would find another mistake in my correction and would send off another mail saying they had to take my correction offline straight away because of the mistake. This happened so many times and I got so attached to these two people that I really got to be quite a nuisance and was eventually "sacked". Why I got so attached to them, I will never know. It seems to be a certain type of person - usually people who are very dominant. Anyway I tried to write and explain things which were so unimportant and made a complete fool of myself. I eventually gave up, because I'd never felt so small in all my life. I then started up my own webpage and now help loads of german kids to learn the English language. I work with other people, too, in my forum, but try very hard not to get too attached. However, I don'T get attached because it really has to be a certain type of person.
I'M now learning in the therapy to sort this all out. Well actually we are trying to sort my OCD out, but this is one of my problems, too. I obviously am very attached to my therapist, too, but I'm coping quite well. Because I'm terrified that he might not like me any more I start to get clingy, but I'm learning not to do this as much as I used to. I tell myself that he still likes me and that it is only my OCD telling me that I need to doubt this.
I know just how you feel, Gaff, but let me tell you this. The moment you let those "friends" of yours go, the better you will feel. You must let go though.
I know it's tormenting, but you will feel way better once you do this.
Best wishes,
Jeannie :)
Gaffertape
01-03-05, 13:36
Dominant, you say. That's interesting, because these two girls are very strong-willed individuals. Perhaps these being qualities I lack, I am drawn to them.
They also appear to be classic 'avoiders' of situations, wheras I like to have problems solved instantly; I lack patience, therefore this waiting period is particularly hard on me.
You're one of many people who has advised me to just let them go, and I know in many ways its the hope of reconciliation that's painful, but I can't seem to do it just yet.
Then again, if the current status quo continues for much longer, I don't see that I'll have any choice.
Its very difficult to walk around here with a big cheezy smile on my face, when inside I'm agonizing.
Gaff
Hello Gaff,
the people who I get attached to are really dominant people who I really try to please. I will go on my knees to apologize for things I haven't done if I think they're mad at me. I will always forgive them and behave in a bizzar way[:I][:I]
My best friend just couldn't believe it when she first noticed me doing this. She then tried to make me see sense, especially as the people who I'd worked for online had only used me for their own wellfare.
I agreed with my friend but I couldn't accept that people were only using me and tried even harder to get through to these people that I wasn't as bad as they thought[:O]
My friend carried on telling me what she thought - very gently - and eventually after a few months I gave up. I gave these people up because they were quite probably just amusing themselves at my cost.
AFter making the break from them I really and honestly did start to feel much better, although I just couldn't imagine this ever happening. Of course I don't see them and you do.
Show these two people how strong you are and just work normally with them and really try and give them up, because you can worry and think and do all sorts but you won't achieve what you want.
Do believe me that I know how hard this is.
Best wishes,
Jeannie
Gaffertape
01-03-05, 22:54
Jeannie - I can't tell you how helpful it's been to find a network like this. I've read several books on OCD and a dozen online articles, but until now I hadn't seen anything that connected to an obsession with friendships.
I fear I may have made a mis-step today when I followed up on an email to Girl 1 I sent last Friday just to confirm a setup. The event isn't until Thursday (and its just Tuesday) so perhaps I should have waited, but I felt like I should clarify the setup well prior to the event.
I have no way of knowing if that was a bad call or not.
At least Girl 1 will acknowledge my "good mornings" and "hi's", but Girl 2 opts to act like I don't even exist. I feel like I'm 14 years old in highschool all over again.
Because of our past encounters, I'm well aware that they know that leaving me in a state of unknowing is absolutely the worst thing they can do to me. They appear to be classic avoiders, while I wan't problems solved instantly, or at the very least want the opportunity to talk them out.
So although my faults are many - I should have taken this problem more seriously some time ago - they seem to be enganging in a level of cruelty that (so I had thought) seemed beyond them. Girl 2 has a brother who suffers from serious panic attcks (as did I some years back) and I would have hoped that some understanding would come from that direction.
I do understand that letting them go would be my best remedy, but because I haven't gained any kind of certain finality from them, I still cling to the hope that something - even if its a tenth - can be salvaged,
Gaff
bluebottle
02-03-05, 07:22
Gaff,
You can't influence how people feel, you can only change how you feel. These people have a right to behave as they do and although you don't like it you have to accept it and move on. You have an illness, your not a bad person and any mistakes made in the past by you or anyone else need learning from and putting away. Concentrate on other things, fill your spare time with something you enjoy doing and that makes you "really" feel good. I understand you just want to put things right but the best way to do that is to be polite in passing to these people and keep your distance. If they eventually become less distant to you, good, if they don't so what? You will have behaved well and be proud of that fact.
The "certain finality" you are looking for exists in you. You can accept the past as the past, and end it there. Today you can begin the rest of your life having learnt a valuable lesson and as a wiser man.
Talk to us Gaff, tell us your feelings, we care and understand. :)
Regards,
Blue
--
This Years Love - David Gray -
If you love me got to know for sure, Cos it takes something more this time than sweet sweet lies
Hi Gaff,
What you are looking for is to put things right again and you just won't be able to do this, because it is the OCD which is trying to "make" you put things right again, so you aren't a "bad person".
As Blue has already stated, you aren't a bad person. How often do I think I must be a "bad person" although it just isn't true. I know this isn't true, but my OCD continues to challenge me on this subject. It continually throws me into bouts of uncertainty and emotional fears.
OCD is about "obsessions" and you can have all different types of "obsessions". It is a horrible illness to have, because rationally you knonw that you're behaving unreasonably, but you can't do anything about it.
My husband often says he would love me to have other obsessions:D
SOmehow or other people who have a very low esteem always have the feeling they have to put things right and sort problems out and have nobody "cross" with them.
Do you realise how much you will be respected if you behave differently?
Let me tell you something. I told you I have a website and a forum. Now I work with another girl there and she is very confident and does the things that I don't like to do - i.e she tells people to behave when they're messing around.. Well, anyway the forum is three years old and just to please everybody I would let people behave like they wanted. I was always scared of saying something wrong to the people who work with me. Well last week an American man came and asked me if he could work with me as a moderator in my forum. I said he sure could, but there were a number of rules which he had to abide by. I listed them and sent him the letter off. I have never, ever been so "dominant" in all my life, but I want a smooth running Forum. Anyway this chap wrote back and said he'd love to give it a try and you know what???? He's really trying to do everything right and trying to please me. I've never ever had anybody wanting to please me like this before. It all comes down to the fact that I took on a resonsibility and stuck to it and my rules. I was suddenly "respected". It makes a great difference.
Carry on writing and letting us know how you're getting on, because I know just what you're going through.
Take care,
Jeannie :)
Gaffertape
02-03-05, 10:53
I know full well that what's holding me back is my refusal to give up on these friendships, or at least the hope that something can be salvaged.
I've put the ball completely in their court. I'd love to email them to indicate that I've been diagnosed and am on meds, but I think that its better if I wait for them to make any move. My plan is to let them see that my behaviour at work has completely changed.
I know it would be easier for me to consider that their non-response from my email a month ago meant that things are done forever, but the fact is, I just don't know that for sure.
I've tried to throw myself into something creative (because I'm quite sure that the lack of that was what caused this in the first place) but I can't seem to focus on anything but this issue. I want my friends back, or at least some semblance of polite comraderie.
I know that's something I cannot just make happen, nor can any third party. Its just up to them.
Yes - I know its up to me to find the strength within myself to move on no matter what transpires. Heck - these people have only been close friends of mine since June of 2004.
Its just a damn hard road to travel.
Thanks to everyone for your support here. It helps me to rant, and it means even more when I get responses from people who actually understand this goofiness.
Gaff
Hi Gaff
I know it is incredibly hard to let go and I was in a similar situation with the last person I was attached to. My attachment to her began when I was 16 and had lasted for a number of years, despite the fact that I hadn't actually seen her in all that time. I had been writing to her regularly and couldn't let go even though she replied perhaps only two or three times in all those years.
The situation came to a head last year when she wrote to a friend of mine and asked her to get me to leave her alone. I felt so ashamed of the way I had acted and my depression returned again. I felt total despair at losing her and still clung on to some hope that if I could change maybe she would still want to know me. I also wanted the closure that you talk about. I haven't had any contact with her since then.
Unfortunately I headed straight in to a similar situation with the person I feel so attached to now. I'm lucky this time in that she knows all about my obsession with her and she is a trained therapist so doesn't take my behaviour seriously and tells me that she knows it is the obsession causing me to do things to get her attention, and she can separate my behaviour from me as a person.
However, I still get terribly upset at not hearing from her and also now obsess that she might have been hurt which causes me to act on compulsions to check on her safety. Despite knowing that this is total nonsense and completely irrational, it doesn't stop the thoughts and anxiety.
I joined an OCD board because I wasn't sure this is OCD either. I had never heard of OCD involving obsessing about a person. The general consensus there was that it is OCD.
You are not a bad person and it is true what Jeannie has said. You need to separate the obsessive behaviour from you as a person. Tell yourself that it is the obsession causing you to think and behave in these ways. This is an illness and you are not to blame.
Have you had any counselling for this? I've just started seeing a new therapist who was actually recommended to me by this lady I have these feelings for.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Gaff
Might sound harsh and very simple but to me after many hurtful events through so called friends. The ones that love you and care will be there whatever you expect from them. True friends are hard to find and losing them hurts more, but a true friend you wouldnt lose.
Lots of Love Sal xxxxx
Hi everyone:)
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">Yes - I know its up to me to find the strength within myself to move on no matter what transpires. Heck - these people have only been close friends of mine since June of 2004.</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
This is the ideocy of it all[:X]
That was always the same with me, too. I hardly knew the people and was so obsessionally attached to them that it made me sick. I have other friends - really good friends - but this doesn't happen with them. There nust be sómething about these people which triggers and sets us off.
However, like Karen said we don't seem to be able to let go of old friends either if we were very attached to them.
Obsessions only start to come when we feel the neccesstiy to check things thoroughly. If we're scared of something and feel we might loose it. So really we can obsess about any old thing.
I'm hoping that my medication that I started five weeks ago will help me to stop being the way I am.
I also think that because my therapist lets me act the way I do with him - like Karen and her friend - that it is helping me to understand the mechanism behind all this.
Perhaps the more we talk about it the more we may realise just what is going on and making us function the way we are doing.
Whatever it is, every time you feel the impuls to write to the girls, Gaff, tell yourself that this is only the OCD which wants you to do this. It might help you to calm down a little and take things a bit easier. I've been trying this for a couple of days now and it is really difficult but I'm sure it will help in the long run.
This thread has actually helped me, too, because now I also know that I'm not the only person who can obsess about people.
Take care,
Jeannie
Gaffertape
03-03-05, 09:05
This forum has truly become a lifeline, and I thank you all deeply for your responses.
I spoke to one of the girls today briefly about a work question and I think I saw sadness in her eyes. I don't know if it was sadness about this situation or perhaps just the awkwardness she felt in speaking to me. I don't want to read too much into this obviously, but it gave me a weak hope.
I'm going to try to imagine that it's two years ago, when I just knew these two people as aquaintances. Obviously the situation is far more tense now then it was then, but really, the lack of contact was about the same. Well, and one of them still spoke to me.
One OCD book I read said that people with OCD are unlikely to be addicts because of the inflated responsibility OCDers often feel. Alas, I have turned to alcohol as a big retreat, and that, in turn is hurting my fiancee, the one person on this earth who loves me more than any other. She's still in contact with Girl 1, and I don't want to influence their friendship in any way, though obviously I'm dying to use that route as a way to make things right again. I've promised myself, and her, that I will not manipulate their relationship for my gain. If Girl 1 brings up the subject, then so be it. Otherwise, things will just remain as is.
At least I know that I've tied my hands to the point where I absolutely cannot make things any worse than they are. Only professional work contact at this point, and I, as a rule, stay away from them. The smoking area at work is the loading dock, and I told them in my email a month ago that I would steer free of that area, and I have held to that. Of course, that means I now smoke in the outdoor parking lot, and in a Canadian February and March, that is no small feat.
I think the paxil has had some effect. Either that or the natural grieving process has let me cry less than I did a few weeks back. I have other pills to take during the day (lorazepam) which are somewhat relaxing, but reallly - nothing exists that cuts off emotion does it?
Its a vicious cycle. I know that the only thing to do is give up hope of these friendships coming back and just move on in a positive manner. I'm aware that a positive outlook is more likely to make me more personable and perhaps restore these friendships on an off chance.
But to give up hope just is so damn difficult. Ten minutes don't go by where I don't struggle over what they're thinking or saying.
One therapist I saw (not my regular) recommended that I end these friendships myself. I was horrified. Why kill all hope when I don't know if the situation is hopeless. I understand that it might be empowering, but really - all that would do is cement the current condition (which is a waking hell).
I'm only seeing my regular psychotherapist about once a month at this point. She seems to think that I've moved along pretty well, and I guess when one looks at the week I took off of work where I completely broke down, she's right. I seem to have moved into a classic depression stage at the moment, feeling terribly sorry for myself and constantly beating myself up for my faults.
Its weird that generally I'm an outgoing kind of guy. I love public speaking, graduated from the Second City program, have done stand-up comedy, but inside, clearly I'm as insecure as hell.
I do need to concentrate on my fiancee's feeling though, as she's been tremendous through this ordeal, but I'm taking my toll. Its just so tough acting all day at work - pretending that all is well - that by the time I come home I am exhausted and just looking for escape.
Thanks to all for your responses and your kindness. It means the world to me, in a way that most 34 year old males wouldn't admit to.
GAFF
Gaffertape
03-03-05, 17:09
Since I haven't spoken to these girls about this matter since my email a month ago, they only know that I was seeking to get help. So at the moment they don't know that I have OCD and have been on medication for three weeks. This is what's tempting me to break my vow of silence. Maybe their attitude will change if they understand that I have a serious (but treatable) condition. Of course, it might just freak them out instead.
I know that keeping quiet is probably my best course of action right now, and let them start a conversation when they feel the time is right. Its just so hard not knowing when, or if, such a day will come. I know I sound like a real broken record on that point, but that's my thought process.
Obviously they aren't tormented by this situation like I am. They still have each other and probably don't spend much time at all considering my situation and my feelings.
I've put myself in a position where its almost impossible for me to make things worse - so that's something. Still, I could sure use a hopeful sign, and in my mind of course I'm still depending on them for that sign.
Gaff
bluebottle
03-03-05, 17:43
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote"> Since I haven't spoken to these girls about this matter since my email a month ago, they only know that I was seeking to get help. So at the moment they don't know that I have OCD and have been on medication for three weeks. This is what's tempting me to break my vow of silence. Maybe their attitude will chance if they understand that I have a serious (but treatable) condition. Of course, it might just freak them out instead.</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
You are still thinking in the same way. You must forget about what they may or not be thinking, it really isn't important. What is important is your mental health, and that you can do something about. Concentrate on your girlfriend and her needs as well.
Regards,
Blue
--
This Years Love - David Gray -
If you love me got to know for sure, Cos it takes something more this time than sweet sweet lies
Gaffertape
03-03-05, 18:02
I know that my mind is just going over the same old ground. Instead of concentrating on getting myself better, I'm still 100% focused on getting my friends back. And focusing on it is just more likely to endanger things further, while keeping me depressed.
I need a good kick in the arse sometimes. Thanks!
Gaff
bluebottle
03-03-05, 21:43
Hey, your doing OK. It won't come overnight but gradually you'll get there. If you need to talk just send me a PM, and don't worry, we all have problems.
Regards,
Blue
--
This Years Love - David Gray -
If you love me got to know for sure, Cos it takes something more this time than sweet sweet lies
Gaffertape
04-03-05, 23:18
I've been journaling each day as kind of a creative exercise, but in the end I think it's just permitting me to wallow in the obesssion. I just finished reading my notes from the past month and reminds me of one thing:
When I was 14 years old I kept a diary. I read it again when I was about 16 and I set it on fire because it made me so angry about the goofy desperation that had been recorded on those pages. By the way, that action is one that I have never regretted.
This seems like so much of the same thing.
Every few days I write a note to myself in my log saying "you have to move forward" but then two days later the journal is still rambling on about these friendships.
I'm guessing that a big part of my problem is that I'm constantly confronted by this problem 5 days a week when I work with them. It makes it hard to move forward.
Still - I know that even if everything friendship-wise were solved by magic tomorrow it wouldn't solve the issues in my life that I've been avoiding by obsessing on these friendships.
Tough stuff to deal with for sure.
hi gaff,
ive only just read this post through, i can relate to this.
it must be hard for you being in the same workplace. well done for staying out of contact, you're doing all the right things, you're not reacting to your obsessive thoughts and feelings, your talking about/investigating your feelings, getting treatment - give it time, it will pass. keep yourself busy, anything artistic is good, dont forget how to laugh.
im not sure what you read but i did wanna say that you are taking 2 different medications and drinking, its a dangerous game.
do try and confront your thoughts that are holding out in hope or obsession lol of rekindling these relationships - would you behave the same way if you wanted to be friends with somebody. and im not suggesting anything but do ask yourself some very straightforward Bloke questions about your feelings for these 2 women
so moving on, the most Important thing ive written here today ... what do you think are the issues in your life that you are avoiding? whats tough to deal with? take the plunge whether you discuss it here or elsewhere - this is moving on ... regards andrew
Gaffertape
06-03-05, 13:21
I know it probably seems odd (and even odder to the girls in question) that I should have established such a hangup on friends, but no - there's no romantic attachment or desire here.
I know that my only recourse is to try to push my thoughts aside - the wish for these friendships to return even in a small degree - and just present myself as the best person I can be. I know that I'm a good person, I'm taking all the right steps, and even when I was at my worst, my transgressions weren't all that terrible. I've made a huge deal out of something that should not be all that critical. I need to re-evaluate their value to me. At this point I have given them so much power over how I feel, its ridiculous. Even now part of my mind tells me that I won't be able to move forward until I receive some small sign from them that this will be over soon.
But the fact is, not knowing when or if that sign will come is paralyzing me. I need to move forward myself, and try to let this stuff go. Unfortunatley, that's an easy sentence to type, but its a hard assignment to follow through on.
Gaff
Gaffertape
07-03-05, 18:40
Had a pretty good Sunday, which is unusual, as I'm typically bracing for encounters on Monday. Did a lot of exercise which may have helped.
Unfortunately I couldn't get through the Monday. Nothing bad happened per se, but the silence from these two is just taking its toll. I hear them laugh from down the hall and it just kills me. I began to weep and couldn't stop, so I left work early.
I haven't cried about this in awhile, but I guess I should expect some bad days along with the good.
I know the steps I need to take. Its just so hard to keep going back into that environment, and I'm not focused enough at the moment to find a new job.
Oh well, tomorrow is another day.
Gaff
Gaffertape
15-03-05, 20:53
Had a reasonably good day today at work and not as a result of any positive interaction with the girls in question. Worked fairly closely with girl 01, but it remained coldly professsional (as I need it to be right now).
Not sure if today is just a flash in the pan, or if the meds are finally starting to kick in. I sure hope its the paxil, because then I can rely on the feeling continuing.
This has been harder than I ever imagined.
Gaff
Well done Gaff for managing so well today.
Whether its meds or you - you can keep hold of this strength...
Meg
www.overcominganxiety.co.uk
You cannot conquer fear until you have learned what it is you're afraid of. The enemy is ignorance. Vivian Vance
nomorepanic
15-03-05, 21:41
Gaff
Well done on coping today. Keep it up ok and you will get there in time.
Nicola
Well done Gaff. Being in a similar situation myself I know how difficult this is.
I really hope you can hold onto the success of today and carry it forward.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Take every day as it is. You will have ggod days and bad days. I'm going through similar problems and have been on medis for 6 weeks. I'm doing really well, but when I start to get excited about things or stressed everything seems to set off again.
I'm sure the medication will help us.
Keep fighting your OCD. It will be worth it in the end, no matter how hard it is.
Take care,
Jeannie
Gaffertape
16-03-05, 15:24
Tonight I'm going to check out a group therapy session. I don't expect to meet anyone in my position (as it seems like focusing on people is less common), but I might learn something. Its worth a shot, right?
Gaff
It certainly is, Shaun!
I wouldn't say it won't help because others have other problems. I also go to a group here in Germany and although the others don't have everything similar to me, there are quite a lot of things which we have in common. This has made me feel far more sucure and more able to do therapy.
Have a good time tonight. The first time I went along to a meeting I felt as if I had known these people all my life. They felt like real friends, because they understood me and I could be really open.
Take care,
Jeannie
Hi Gaff
Well done for going to the group therapy session. Although there might not be anyone with your obsession exactly, others there will still understand what it is like to have these obsessive thoughts.
I hope it goes well for you.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Gaffertape
30-03-05, 19:37
Well, sorry to say that I got blind drunk and missed the group session. Maybe I'll get to the next one.
Despite the above episode I am, in fact, doing better.
I see now that I do have my answer - by not answering me, that's likely the only answer I'm going to get.
Had a very good session with my psychoanalyst the other day. She sensed that I was feeling stronger, so she really took the gloves off. No, she doesn't think that my transgressions were all that terrible. Yes, she thinks that their reaction is harsh. But she also said that neediness (which I've been accused of, and rightly so) can be a very spooky thing for people to deal with. To answer me at all is just inviting me to respond again. They chose the safest route for themselves.
She agrees that the safest thing to assume is that these friendships are gone for good. But, she said that as long as I still 'need' them there will be absolutely zero chance of reconciliation. Granted, I haven't had them as friends on any level at all for two months and I'm surviving, but I'm probably still projecting a need: A need for them to help me to end this.
The fact is, I'd sure like for that to happen, but I have to stop needing it to happen. I need to find the strength to move on by myself without any word from them.
I also have to be very careful at hiding my hurt feelings at work, because I understand that rumours are flying around and I'm under a real microscope. I'm taking the heat for the rumours, but I refuse to keep taking every inch of the responsibility at this point. Sure, I started the problem, and yes, I'm having difficulty hiding the fact that I'm depressed. I'll grant them that.
But twenty people a day see three people who used to be great friends, and now they see that I'm being utterly ignored. My very last communication with them two months back did suggest that we should attempt to keep up appearances to prevent such a thing from happening, but this is a choice they made.
Anyway. Trying to move on. I've also begun to work on a resume, because I just may not be able to stand this for very much longer. Seeing them five days a week is extremely painful.
Gaff
hello Gaff,
I can understand that work isn't much fun for you at the moment - it must be pretty hard having to spend so much time with them.
It's great though that the psychoanalyst can see that you are improving. Keep up the good work!!
Sarah :D
Gaff ,
Whilst you may be extremely sad about not be getting any contact , you certainly sound much more grounded and realistic about how this is panning out and what is and is not reasonable expectations to have. Very well done.
Are you trying to build your self esteem and confidence in other ways so you can handle this situation easier.
By having a wider tapestry of friends in some time hence these two may no longer hold the same current importance -although the memories and emotions connected with this situation will fade slowly.
I think your therapist is really making headway here and you are working extremely hard with her at making forward progress too.
Meg
www.anxietymanagementltd.com
Watch your thoughts, they become your words...
Watch your words, they become your actions... Watch your actions, they become your habits... Watch your habits, they become your character... Watch your character, it becomes your destiny...
Hi Gaff
I think you are doing really well in the way you are dealing with this and coming to terms with the realities of the situation.
What your therapist said about 'neediness' is true and I know that people I've had attachments to in the past have found me way too intense and felt overwhelmed by how much I've needed them.
It seems like you are really making headway with this with the help of your therapist and hopefully you will be able to let go of having any need for these people in time.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Gaffertape
04-04-05, 15:10
I suppose I have the "C" in OCD in check now, as the three of us involved have pretty much cut ourselves off entirely from each other. I can't keep checking to see if the friendships are okay because its utterly clear that its not okay at all.
Its the "O" that's the hard part for me now. I suppose its more like classic depression. I wish I could find a switch inside myself that I could activate to make me stop caring about these two, but its not that simple.
As mentioned before, seeing them 5 days a week makes it difficult to forget the issue.
I read a quote the other day that I find hard to swallow, but I think I definitely need to follow its credo. It was something like:
"Happiness cannot be found within other people. Happiness either exists within yourself, or it does not."
Well done Gaff.
More progress and lots of soul searching for you which undoubtedly will result in good self development for the future.
Meg
www.anxietymanagementltd.com
Watch your thoughts, they become your words...
Watch your words, they become your actions... Watch your actions, they become your habits... Watch your habits, they become your character... Watch your character, it becomes your destiny...
Hi Gaffertape,
How are you doing. I've not been too well and went off looking for info. Just take a look at what I found:
http://www.homestead.com/westsuffolkpsych/ObsessiveLove.html
Read it because I think it will do you a load of good. Just like it did me.
Take care,
Jeannie
Gaffertape
18-04-05, 18:41
Thanks, Jeannie. Very interesting article.
I've had my good days and my bad days. Very frustrated and borderline angry now, as it seems that their anger is based entirely on an incorrect assumption, and with no communication, there is no way to explain that to them.
Gaff
Gaffertape
21-04-05, 14:16
Well, I made it to the local OCD Mutual Support Group last night and it was a brilliant experience. I had no idea of what to expect, and I feared that I would be the odd man out, as OCD projected onto people seems somewhat rare. I needn't have worried. Although nobody there was precisely in my boat, very few people fit into a precise OCD category. We were all over the map, so I felt like I fit right in. A pretty wide age-range, but to the person a very intelligent and articulate group of people. I made a point of recommending this forum as it has helped me a great deal. Coffee was consumed well into the night. I will definitely be going regularly.
Gaff
bluebottle
21-04-05, 14:19
Brilliant mate, just what you needed.
--
Blue
"to hope till Hope creates from its own wreck the thing it contemplates"
Glad you found soemwhere to get additional support.
It all helps.
Meg
www.anxietymanagementltd.com
Watch your thoughts, they become your words...
Watch your words, they become your actions... Watch your actions, they become your habits... Watch your habits, they become your character... Watch your character, it becomes your destiny...
Well done for going Gaff. Hope it helps.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Gaffertape
30-04-05, 23:49
Well, unfotunately the Support Group only meets once per month, but they do attemt informal gatherings in between meetings. Tomorrow I hope to meet at least some of them at a park in Toronto.
Work is still extremely difficult. I'm convinced that I would be over this by now if I didn't have to continually face these girls and the rejection.
I know that I should be able to take comfort in the fact that I am doing all the right things. I stay completely out of their way, and try to ignore the fact that girl 2 continues to pretend that I do not exist at all. I continue to be polite; if girl 2 does something that helps me in my job, I thank her for it briefly and professionally. Still, everything seems to anger her. I think that the only thing that would completely satisfy her is if I stopped breathing.
I wish there was some way I could stop caring. What I wouldn't give to not care about them, their actions, or their opinion of me.
The struggle continues.
Hi Gaff
Sorry you are still struggling with this. I understand the perceived rejection that you're experiencing every time you have to have contact with either of them at work. It does hurt and I don't think that will go overnight. It will get easier in time.
You are doing everything you can to recover from this and you know that you are respecting their wishes by staying away. Being able to stop caring is another matter though and this will take time.
Glad you can meet up with some others from the support group. Hope you have a good time tomorrow.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Gaffer - you're doing well
Keep it going
Meg
www.anxietymanagementltd.com
Watch your thoughts, they become your words...
Watch your words, they become your actions... Watch your actions, they become your habits... Watch your habits, they become your character... Watch your character, it becomes your destiny...
Gaffertape
18-05-05, 14:12
I think I need to get out of this workplace. Each day here is like re-opening a wound. Its hard for me to get better when I keep receiving such hostility. I've kept away for four months and yet if anything they appear to be getting angrier each day. I think some exposure can be a good thing, but five days a week of this is just too psychologically self-destructive.
Gaff,
I guess they're looking for a reaction of some sort and as you're not responding, they're getting more aggressive in their taunts.
You've done really well to manage so effectively. I know its not been easy on any day for you but you are winning this one - all be it externally.
Can you look for something else so you can make a controlled break ?
Meg
www.anxietymanagementltd.com
Watch your thoughts, they become your words...
Watch your words, they become your actions... Watch your actions, they become your habits... Watch your habits, they become your character... Watch your character, it becomes your destiny...
Gaffertape
18-05-05, 16:57
No taunts actually; they haven't ever done that. Just ignoring me which possibly hurts more. Four months of this so far.
I definitely can't quit overnight - too many bills to pay. As you suggested I have been looking for work while carrying on here.
Hang in there Gaff - I'm sure something will come your way soon!! :D
Gaffertape
06-06-05, 17:21
I'm exploiting all contacts that I can to find new work. Now that the search has begun, I'm feeling somewhat empowered even though I haven't found anything concrete yet. I think that I am making the correct decision for myself: I have tried to survive this in the same workplace for four months and things just aren't getting better. Leaving is truly the only option to permit me the "out-of-sight, out-of-mind" healing that I desperately need.
Good for you Gaffer
You have really done soooo very well these last 4 months.
Well done for persevering
Meg
www.anxietymanagementltd.com
Watch your thoughts, they become your words...
Watch your words, they become your actions... Watch your actions, they become your habits... Watch your habits, they become your character... Watch your character, it becomes your destiny...
nomorepanic
06-06-05, 19:07
Well done on making the decision to do this.
Good luck.
Nicola
"Nearly all happiness comes into our lives through doors we don't even remember leaving open"
Well done Gaffer.
I hope you find something else soon.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Gaffertape
19-08-05, 15:01
I definitely want my money back for 2005. A brutal year indeed. No luck do far on the job search, still receiving the constant shoulders of coldness at work, and the capper? My fiancee just left me.
I must admit that I haven't been much fun to be around over the last ten months, but I have been steadily improving. I suppose now I at least have other things to think about, like finding a new apartment. My condition & the depression are not the sole reasons for her departure, but my guess is that its the biggest factor.
Gave up on the meds (paxil) some months ago. I have had more luck with therapy through a doctor specializing in Traditional Chinese Medicine. I would recommend it to those with an open mind.
I shall survive this, but that light at the end of the tunnel is pretty hard to see from here.
GAFF
Hi Gaff
Sorry to hear about the breakup but am very pleased to hear that you are improving.
What areas have you made most progress in ??
Glad Chinese medicine has helped
Meg
www.anxietymanagementltd.com
Your anxiety is the human representation of the pictures that you paint using your many vivid colours of revolving and reoccurring thoughts.
How big is your gallery ?
Gaffertape
23-08-05, 18:41
Where have I made progress?
Well, I have been able to keep doing my job here, and also continue to do it to my usual good standards, so I consider that a pretty big triumph. Some days are pretty tough, but I haven't left work early in ages.
It is also sinking in (though far too slowly) that there is no action that I can take to rectify my emotional situation, so I need to come to terms with accepting that. This has been the biggest hurdle.
As far as the actual OCD, I feel like I have made pretty huge progess. I don't even have the desire to follow through with any compulsions anymore because I know that they will make things even worse.
Where I still need work is trying to relax. I find meditation very difficult.
So, that's kindof where I am right now, Meg.
GAFF
Gaff
That sounds pretty darn good progress in every area to me ....
Many congratulations indeed.
Meg
www.anxietymanagementltd.com
Your anxiety is the human representation of the pictures that you paint using your many vivid colours of revolving and reoccurring thoughts.
How big is your gallery ?
Hi Gaff. A similar thing happened to me, i had a friend who i knew for years, we got on well, acted like two daft kids! I thought i had found a friend for life, and she said i was a friend for life. She was the only friend i had. Thought there was one problem, she never really made the effort, i was the one who had to do all the calling and texting, and it drove me angry, so i sent her a few texts telling her what i thought. So i rang her a week later, her brother told me she wasnt there, but she just didnt want to come to the phone. She was there though. It really made me angry. So we didnt speak or hear anything of each other till a 7 months later, when i decided oring her, she said she forgave me and that i was still her friend, so we said wed meet up again and that the best time to phone her again one be the week later. So i did, no anwser. So i left it there, the last time i tried to get in contact with her was in august, sent her two texts to see how she was and stuff. No reply. So from then i decided she was no longer anything to do with me, a `mere mortal` so our friendship is over. Whats even more bad is she didnt even wish me a happy 21st birthday. That was what made me decide enough was enough.
I asked a few people what they thought, some said its cos im too clingy, others said its cos of the way i am. But i disgree strongly.
She was acting strange so i did the right thing, to try and see what was going on. Dont know why that was considered to be clingy?
She started university in september and made new friends. What has made me very angry is that i asked her if she would ever forget about me when she got to uni, she said no, but it was obvious she was lying. I knew it all along.
As i said though, she is no longer my friend, there is no way of going back and if i see her i will just walk on by. She is invisible to me now. True friends are people that stick by you for years, if the rest of your life. She is not a true friend and never was, i should have been more wise. Every person should always stick by their guns and instincts, dont be afraid to speak your mind or opinion in fear of upsetting someone. I now find it hard to trust any new friendships i make and it makes me more wary of people and what they say and their promises.
It is just something you have to accept, i have had to accept it, and though its hard to let go of someone you thought was a good friend, you just have to forget them. People do turn weird and act silly but never blame it on yourself, you were doing the right thing.
And remember, its THEIR loss and NOT yours.
(Please reply to this post if you have read it. Thanks)
Gaffertape
09-09-05, 16:49
Thanks for your post, OCDgirl. It makes a huge difference to know that others have gone through this. Sounds to me like you are doing really well, and have the right attitude.
I don't hate easily, and I think part of why it has taken so long for me to get past this silliness is my steadfast refusal to get angry with them. Sure, I'm hurt and disappointed, but nothing stronger. Now, that I am starting to feel better, I'm glad that anger never came.
I'm feeling a bit Zen, actually... By not holding onto anger, I'm coming out of this with a clearer head and a more positive outlook.
Thanks again for the post, and good luck!
Gaff
Im glad my post has helped you. It is strange that, the people/person you thought with value in your life, would turn against you, as is our cases. It made me extremely angry but there was nothing i could do, i felt like punching her but that would make me come across as a hooligan! It has taken me a long time to try and sort out how i cope with things, and i could have let it ruin me and burn me into the ground, but i have refused to and i am a fighter, remember, if it ruins you then you have let, or are letting them, win. Its such a hurtful thing, for someone who you valued and regarded as a person with importance in your life, to turn around and dismiss you. But i believe mental power, or power of the mind as i call it, wins the day. Maybe i could start wishing terrible things to happen to her, but it doesnt make me any better. Remember, that in cases like these it is a matter of power game, the more stronger you become in the mind, the better. Just keep on fighting against them, keep on kicking that door until it comes down.
Those two girls sound like manipulative little pric*s, mind my language(!), and we have to understand there are a lot of manipulative and stupid people out there. I think you should take my tips on board (like you have been doing) But always remember this one, anybody that causes you stress or grief are mere mortals, simply and utterly mere mortals.
Im glad you think ive got the right attitude, and it comes as a compliment to me, because most people i know think ive got the wrong attitude! But i dont agree, and theres no way, that i will sit back and let people get me down. Those utter mere mortals.
Sounds like you are getting over it though and moving on to a higher peace of mind, and i respect you for that. I think they are getting angry because you are not rising to their manipulative ways and you are ignoring them, carry on ignoring them, stay calm, dont rise to it, treat them like everyone else, and youll be on the right track, assured. And while you are in a nice state of mind, they will be fuming, twitching their manipulative fingers.
I hope this has helped aswell and if youve read it please reply. And seen as were going through, or have gone through, a similar thing, feel free to PM me, its the best thing to do on here.
Regards, OCD Girl :)
"The truth is out there" Frank Gallagher, Shameless
Gaffertape
14-09-05, 17:00
Maybe I'm being terribly naive, but I'm seeing things very differently than I did months ago. Back then I thought the dismissal of me was designed specifically to hurt me as much as possible. I really have come to believe, though, that this was just the easiest and best choice for them, and it wasn't designed to hurt, but to protect themselves. They couldn't take my behaviour, so it was simplest to write me off.
Now, that doesn't change the fact that it did hurt a whole lot, but I don't think that was their intention.
At any rate, I feel like I'm taking the high road, continuing to be polite and professional, but as distant as possible for their sakes.
GAFF
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