Feel like a total failure

[maya]

I have been suffering from GAD/social anxiety for 22 years. Then I developed panic disorder 1.5 years ago. The GAD I can deal with but the panic took things to a whole nother level.

It was only when I started the panic that I went for help. It got so bad I would take running panics. Basically a panic attack, recover than five minutes later take another etc. and end up completly drained. One day at work I had runing panics for over 3 hours, lost my peripheral vision, was convinmced I was going to die. I am 30 years old and had to call my mother to pick me up at work. I was agoraphobic for 2 weeks.

After different therapists etc. I felt encouraged about recovery.

In September I left the job I hated (leave of absensce) to go back to school as part of changing my life to take a scriptwriting program. I did realy well last term. Was really anxious but managed it well and only took a few panic attacks. I was proud because the course load was so heavy we had to work 14 hour days on assignments and quite a few failed. I got a 3.85 average on a 4.0 scale.

However, at Christmas (4 week break) I started having anxiety so bad I couldn't take it. It made me feel weak, my legs and hands trembled and I could barely keep my eyes open. I slept 14 hours a night plus naps and still feel like shit.

I feel the physical stress (long hours) on my body from the program is what started the panic up again plus the fact I wasn't completely over it.

I resolved I would finish the program as there are only 14 weeks left and I want the diploma. I knew this term would be hard for social anxiety reasons - we have to pitch our scripts to producers etc. but promised myself I would do it.

Yesterday, my first day back went ok. Then today I was already not feeling well...just that anxious feeling, that when I have doesn't usually go away for a few days. Then I read the workload for the term..even more than last term..totally undoable without staying up till 1 am 7 days a week.

I got to class, sat down, it started. A panic attack started. I tried to use my CBT, deep breathing etc. Everything around me was fuzzy, my heart was racing, my chest hurt. I was about to pass out....I literally ran out. In the washroom I tried to talk myself down. It's only panic etc. it can't hurt you. When I thought about going back to class I took another attack. 20 minutes later I finally went back to class, sat down, everything was fuzzy again so I packed up, told my teacher I was sick and came home.

Help! I don't know what to do! I feel like a total loser that I can't get over this. But I also can't push myself like I did last term.

I do have a few phyical health problems as well and my doctor wants me to keep my stress to a minimum. hard to do with this workload and with panic disorder/

I worry about my physical health even more when I panic ...I know panic can't kill you, but having cortisol released through all those panics is not good long term for the immune system.

My family is suportive but they don't get why I can't just get overmyself. It isn't that simple. Sometimes my panic is realted to stress, sometimes social stuff but others to nothing at all. My doctors aren't that supportive - are also always telling me I have to keep doing things to get over it.

No one besides my husband and mother knows about this. I hide it at all costs for fear I'll be blacklisted in this field I'm trying to get into.

I don't know what to do. Should I drop out? Stay, show up when I can and accept lower marks but at least graduate ?- attendance is worth a lot. Should I tell my teacher the truth?

[Alisonj]

Wow I am so sorry for what you are going through.
My panic started when I was in Grade 10. I never got to finish grade 10 and still havent finished high school. Back then I had nobody to talk to and did not realize that what was happening to me was panic attacks, I truly believed I was dying and nobody would listen. My dad had died the same year of a heart attack so I figured that was what was happening. It didnt matter how many times I tried to return I could not sit back down in a class.
Eventually after 5 years my panic got better and I took a job. At first it was alittle tough and I was worried that I would panic etc. Well I stayed working for about 5 years and everything was wonderful. No panic attacks or anything.
Then one day out of the blue I had one at work. Then the next day and the next day. That was the end of my job. Unfortunately to this day I am on permenant disability because I am unable to work due to the panic.
But I guess my point to this long story is that I did get better for a period of time. I was able to function like normal.
I would defintely let your teacher know what is happening. Explain to her the problems you are having and hopeful she will be able to come up with a type of solution for you. I would hate to see you have to drop out yet I know that the fear can defintely be overwhelming enough to make you want too.
If the teacher cannot help then I would try my best to go and stay as long as you can etc. Atleast try to graduate.
I wish you much luck and strength in this, I can only imagine how hard it is for you.

[ginnungagap]

Maya, I wish I could suggest something much more helpful - I know this must be really overwhelming you. But YES, I would speak with your teacher too. Privately if possible. If she is is worth her profession, is understanding, and can see how much YOU want to make of yourself - then maybe she can help to work WITH you AND this condition to achieve your diploma.

Fingers crossed and huge hugs atcha xx

[dawny]

maya,

been there done that.......my advice to you mate is to ride it out and carry on.....the reason why, when my anx/panic got so bad i left work, then i couldn't go shopping, then i couldn't go out to the pub, then i couldn't visit my friends....see where this is leading....i was living in a safety zone.

i know its hard but don't give up, cause if you fear this place you will never finish your dipolma and it sounds maya like you have achieved so much and fourteen weeks is not long is it.

be proud of yourself for every day you get there.
good luck and take care

dawny

[maya]

Thanks you for the replies.

The good news is that I did get through classes on Wednesday. The bad news is that on Thursday I drove to school, sat in the parking lot for a long time and then just drove home without going to class.

I started CBT again on Friday. Last year I went somewhere else but my therapist moved away. This place I started at Friday has a special student rate as well. I really liked the psychologist - felt like she got me and she was really positive. There is an elevator there that I can't go in alone - they are on the 6th floor so she has agreed to meet me at the bottom and ride the elevator with me before the apointment and after - thank god !!!

She thinks within 20 weeks we can get the panic under control. Great news but bad for my schooling where there is now only 13 weeks left and the next few are crucial - people get kicked out of the prgram if they don't show up for a few weeks.

I am trying to go Monday - The problem is that I have to either give a presentation or pitch an idea to the class every single class for the rest of the term - I think thats why my panic is back. i have social anxiety as well so this is really difficult for me. If all I had to do was sit there and take notes it would be fine but that isn't the case.

Maya

[Gryphoenix]

Pitching.

I feel you there. :hugs:

I'm a scriptwriter too and I'm considering taking my master's in it, and I can completely, totally, and utterly understand what you are going through. I'm in my last semester of college and our workload is not going to be fun. I have to complete a final animation, not to mention take all these other classes.

In my scriptwriting class (I got bitten by the writing bug there) I was terrified of giving pitches, presentations, you name it. Basically I panicked every time I went up there, even though it was only to show a little video and say my piece. I had the worst anticipatory anxiety about such things, too...I'd get ill for hours beforehand. I had a rather poor pitch about a year ago and I think that's where that came from--the feeling of being frozen, not knowing what to say, in front of class. I did choke a bit during the video thing--I concentrated too much on how I was feeling. I did fine the other times I ignored my body, even though my heart was doing the Indy 500 and I was shaking and sweating. Just ignore the feelings when you give your presentation, even if you feel like crap. It'll all be over in a few minutes. Just set your goal towards that feeling of 'yay, I did it, and I feel better'. A small, easy goal.

But--I made it through and so can you! I know that it's hard, I hate the feelings too, and I can't stand giving presentations, but I grit my teeth and ride it out. We're going to feel anxious anyway, and people who are phobic about such things tend to feel even worse than us! So just let it go and ride it out. I'd say that we're both experts at dealing with panicky feelings and anxiety, so we're the best sort of people to deal with this, right? :D

My teacher says that some writers are not nescearily good pitchers! So actually it's normal for us to stay in the background. That's what agents and managers are for, anyway. So I'm not worried about pitching in the future, I'd let them do it. Have you ever heard of virtualpitchfest.com? It's a way to pitch to great studios without actually standing in front of a room.

I have this random fear about meeting famous people (in the rare event that my story is picked up for anything), so don't feel bad.

So yeah, I'm dreading this semster too, I'm so close and so are you. I think what we need to do is take this in little chunks. Take each day at the time, take each assignment at the time. Everything will eventually build up and we'll be graduated before we know it. Don't think about the other presentations, think about the one you have to give next, and only that. (Now to take my own advice...) Do you mind telling about your workload, I'm curious why it's so huge...?

I think you're quite brave for even making it this far! We'll get through this together, okay, panic or no panic! :yesyes:

[maya]

Pitching.

So yeah, I'm dreading this semster too, I'm so close and so are you. I think what we need to do is take this in little chunks. Take each day at the time, take each assignment at the time. Everything will eventually build up and we'll be graduated before we know it. Don't think about the other presentations, think about the one you have to give next, and only that. (Now to take my own advice...) Do you mind telling about your workload, I'm curious why it's so huge...?

I think you're quite brave for even making it this far! We'll get through this together, okay, panic or no panic! :yesyes:

Thank you for the reply. It is great to meet a fellow scriptwriter and to know I'm not the only one going through this personal hell!! Feel free to PM me.

To answer your question about the huge workload -- basically its a 28 week program with almost as much work as a 2 year Masters. A class in each type of scriptwriting, ie. playwriting, screenwriting, TV writing, New Media writing, Business partices, film history, production projects and an internship this term at a studio. We had to write 2 short films, a feature film, 2 TV shows, pitch bibles and other pitch documents, a training video, a PSA, two protional video proposals, and shoot two videos ourselves. This term we also have to act in two plays plus we have other assignments. It's a lot - but I do love it. I could write 24 hours a day and not get sick of it.

The hardest part for me is how angry I am at myself as I feel this anxiety really holds me back. When I'm at home I know I have the talent but when I get in front of people I suddenly feel that I suck and have nothing to offer. We had meetings with our screenwriting teacher who is also our program coordinator last week and she went on and on about my talent, how I'm one of the few people in the class who really "gets it" etc. which is wonderful -- but then I am unable to sell myself because of this anxiety. And of course she doesn't know about the anxiety.

You are right though. I have to take it one day at a time, one project at a time. And focus on my writing. In March we are going to Toronto ( Canada's equivalent of hollywood) to pitch our TV shows, short scripts and feature screenplays to producers. The very thought of it makes me want to cry but it is a good opportunity. I will check out that virtual website that you mentioned.

Best of luck to you as well! What sort of scripts are you working on?:)

[Gryphoenix]

Yay, thanks, and yeah, I think it's really great to meet another scriptwriter that's going through the same thing I am, you have no idea how relieved I was to know I wasn't the only one with the SAME worries that I had! And yeah, feel free to PM me too!

That is an incredible workload, I completely understand where you're coming from, though honestly I wish I our school had a program like that, I so would love to take it! I've taken animation business and animation history (which practically was film history) and the class I took for writing was technically for a short but everyone went over and I just did a feature. I am really interested in learning how to do TV scripts, we went over it a little bit but I'd love to learn more. Which is also why I want to get my master's in screenwriting. :D

I get dismayed when anxiety holds me back, and I don't like it one bit. I know I could do so much more, say, a couple years ago when I wasn't as anxious. I feel like I've got a huge weight behind me or I'm stuck in the mud, and I know I can get out and I can pull this weight, it's just harder than it would have been before. I can do the same things still, it just takes more effort and time to work around and through the anxiety.

Aw, that's too bad about talking about your talent in front of people thing--I think it's just a matter of confidence, I'm not that much of a confident person myself. I do get proud sometimes of what I've written once I write it but later on I doubt it. I get embarassed when the teacher was saying I was also one of the people who 'got it', but then I second guess myself and say "are you saying that just to be nice to me?" lol. I love writing so much that I don't really care if I'm good or not, I'm gonna do it anyway. I don't know if that's the best approach but hey, it works so far! I completely understand that feeling though. I think that your work will present itself for you and you won't have to worry about selling yourself. I suck at selling my talent--I don't want to be seen as arrogant so I'm just like stammering "...ah...uh, well...er...you know...yeah." So I figure that I'll just tell em or show em what I got and that'll tell them what I can do.

Wow, you're really lucky you get to actually pitch to 'real people' lol. I would probably panic days before hand. And cry, too. But hey, I'd do it even if I'd have to crawl there. Good luck with it though! I'm actually worried about what would happen if one of my stories do get picked up and I have to meet people in LA or whatever, especially bigwigs like producers...panic again...ugh, which is why I'd need an agents to do it for me...XD But it's worth it.

I'm working on features at the moment, I'm finished with one and I'm juggling two. I'm probably going to rewrite that first one though after the teacher gets done with it. I'm a bit of a sci fi and fantasy nut and I'm sure that they're all going to be big budget ones...which is soooo not good for up-and-coming newbie writers but I can't help it, it's what I like. :D