Bill
11-01-08, 03:00
I posted this thread nearly 2 years ago but I just felt if I brought it forward, it might help new people to understand some aspects of OCD and how it affects people...........
I know this is very long but hopefully it'll help someone knowing they're not alone with this.
One of my first memories of anxiety was when I needed the loo. I’d not sit on the loo and I’d raise the back of my shirt for fear of anything getting on it. When I went to primary school I’d then avoid using the toilets “to sit on” and hold on until I got home. I remember once I couldn’t hold on and after “the accident” my mother was asking me why I didn’t go before I left school. This fear continued into secondary school and so I’d try to go in the mornings before I went to school.
While I was at primary school, a good friend became ill. I can remember his behaviour and wondering why. After going to secondary school, I went back to my primary school because they had a reunion. I met him again but he didn’t recognise me. Not much later he died which really upset me. What had happened to him scared me so much that I’ve never forgotten his face and sometimes I still see his face as an intrusive thought.
After school I’d come home to an empty house but often I’d go out again to play tennis. I would have to go round the house checking every lock, socket, switch, tap etc. I would check them countless times until my hands were sweating and I was completely stressed out. My fear was that I’d be blamed if anything went wrong.
When I’d check things and I started to become anxious, I’d start counting to a certain “safe” number before I felt it was ok to leave it alone. However, I’d start experiencing intrusive thoughts of my lost friend which I felt I had to try and cancel out with “safe” thoughts. Trying to check things became a nightmare for me.
Whenever I heard of my friends illness I’d become very anxious. Once I was having dinner and it came on the TV. I had to rush upstairs to be sick. My father said I shouldn’t watch TV while I was having dinner but I couldn’t tell him what really made me sick.
I was very intense and used to press hard into the paper when writing. One teacher said I’ll be going right through paper it if I didn’t relax! I used to hate taking exams because I’d be sick before them. Even when coming home from holiday knowing the exam results would be waiting there, after dinner at a pub I was sick again.
When I started work, I’d hate being the last one to leave the house and locking up so I’d rush to leave before my parents to avoid the anxiety I knew it’d cause me. Around this time, I started to learn to drive. When I came to take the test, I was visiting the loo half a dozen times with nerves. Once I did pass my test, the checking rituals started to affect me locking the car doors. I’d have to check them countless times and keep walking back to re-check to reassure myself they really were locked. I don’t know what people thought!
I have always been a perfectionist but this leads to stress and when we feel stressed, the OCD is much more difficult to control because the feelings become much more intense.
My checking though wasn’t my only problem. My health phobia also became worse. I would wash my hands thoroughly before leaving work and again when I got home. I was afraid of germs at work contaminating everything I touched in the car. I’d wash them Before and After using a toilet and I’d cover the toilet seat with paper, put a lot down the loo to stop splashes and even then avoid sitting. I used to block the loo so often at work!
I also tried to avoid using the phones at work because I was afraid of picking up germs from the earpiece so if the phone rang I’d try to not be in the room. I also tried to avoid handling food so I’d keep it covered in plastic or paper while I ate it.
On one occasion at work I was completing a form with lots of figures. I made a mistake but rather than just cross it out, I felt I had to re-do the whole form. My boss saw me do this because he saw me copying the figures from the incorrect form. He went potty! I felt so embarrassed but also so annoyed with myself that I couldn’t resist my OCD.
I used to avoid touching black bags because I connected the colour black with funerals. I felt that if I touched them and then touched something else, something bad would happen so I’d wash my hands after coming into contact with anything that was black. I wouldn’t even wear black clothes. I couldn’t cross the road behind black cars because of funeral cars so I’d stand there waiting for another car or keep walking on the same side of the road until another car came along. If people walked past me whilst I was doing something I’d connect their walking past me with the thought of “passing away” so I’d have to repeat the what I was doing. I also used to have to clock on and off but I’d wait for a “safe” number before I put my card in. If I read a book, I’d have to find a “safe” word before closing it and when I switched on/off the TV and radio I’d have to hear “safe” words or I’d switch on/off again until I felt ok.
I’d begin to avoid health programmes because I’d start feeling anxious and be unable to do anything while the programme was on. If something came on TV whilst I was doing something I’d have to wait and then repeat. I found doing jobs around the house or in the garden became very difficult because of intrusive thoughts. I’d have to repeat actions with “safe thoughts” to counteract the fearful thoughts. If I heard someone say a word or phrase that frightened me, I’d have to repeat whatever I was doing with a “safe” thought. I even pulled at what little hair I have and then I couldn’t stop until I it felt “safe”! Also when I cut my nails, I’d have to think of a “safe” thought before I could finish them.
All of these things began long before my other problems surfaced with panic attacks, self harm, suicidal thoughts, od’s etc or I began taking any form of medications. My OCD problems just went unnoticed and without any help to cure it. Eventually I went for therapy but I found that when I was at therapy I was ok because these things only happened at home or at work. I was also much later given Seroxat but I found the side-effects made me feel really ill so I stopped taking them. I also tried various other medications for general anxiety.
When things became too much and I’d simply had enough of these rituals, I started to try and help myself. I started to ignore my intrusive thoughts as just fears based on bad memories from my past. This was very difficult because the compulsion to repeat things was hard to resist but once I’d tackled one once and nothing happened, it gave me the confidence to ignore other frightening thoughts.
I began trying to resist my rituals by not letting myself repeat actions despite the anxiety I felt. I found that the more I repeated actions, the more anxious I became. If I only did things once regardless of my thoughts, I found the anxiety would decrease much faster without me feeling stressed out and depressed by it.
If I was afraid of touching something, I’d push myself to touch and resist washing my hands etc. I had to prove to myself there was actually nothing to be afraid of and they were just irrational thoughts based on past fears, such as illness or "getting in trouble by accident", which may also have been created by bad experiences.
If I had fearful thoughts or worries, I’d not allow myself to dwell on them by thinking of other “enjoyable” things to think of and focus on them. The more I distracted my mind, the less the intrusive thoughts frightened me.
I found the more I tried to fight off the frightening thoughts with “safe” thoughts, the more the frightening thoughts would occur. They seemed to enjoy bugging me and getting me to repeat things.
These days I’m able to do so much more with my time because I’m not hampered by rituals because of fears. I wouldn’t say I’m cured because the thoughts still occur but I am now more able to ignore them.
As you can see, I was badly affected by OCD so I know how difficult and frightening it is to resist repeating rituals. If we try to fight off the frightening thoughts, they’ll come back even more so. It’s very hard to do but once we stop being afraid of them and let them through us as “just thoughts”, then the repeating rituals become much easier to resist and we feel much less stressed out.
When we encounter a frightening thought, we try repeating a ritual or counteract the thought with a “safe” thought to stop the anxious feelings but because we prevent ourselves from experiencing the feelings, they always return and so the cycle continues.
Once we allow ourselves to experience the anxious feelings, they Do gradually subside, so our confidence builds. It is actually the anxious feelings that we’re afraid of rather than the thoughts themselves. The thoughts are just the triggers to those feelings and those thoughts are from our past bad experiences. They’re just built on fearful memories that are still with us Because they created fear within us. Once we stop being afraid of the thoughts by treating them as thoughts like any other thought we have, then the anxious feelings that make us repeat actions will also subside and the thoughts stop being so intrusive when we try to do things. To be crude, if we go to the loo whilst we think of a frightening thought, we can’t retrieve anything to repeat the action so we should treat other items in the same way.
There is Always a way to learn to cope with the issues that cause our anxiety.:winks:
I know this is very long but hopefully it'll help someone knowing they're not alone with this.
One of my first memories of anxiety was when I needed the loo. I’d not sit on the loo and I’d raise the back of my shirt for fear of anything getting on it. When I went to primary school I’d then avoid using the toilets “to sit on” and hold on until I got home. I remember once I couldn’t hold on and after “the accident” my mother was asking me why I didn’t go before I left school. This fear continued into secondary school and so I’d try to go in the mornings before I went to school.
While I was at primary school, a good friend became ill. I can remember his behaviour and wondering why. After going to secondary school, I went back to my primary school because they had a reunion. I met him again but he didn’t recognise me. Not much later he died which really upset me. What had happened to him scared me so much that I’ve never forgotten his face and sometimes I still see his face as an intrusive thought.
After school I’d come home to an empty house but often I’d go out again to play tennis. I would have to go round the house checking every lock, socket, switch, tap etc. I would check them countless times until my hands were sweating and I was completely stressed out. My fear was that I’d be blamed if anything went wrong.
When I’d check things and I started to become anxious, I’d start counting to a certain “safe” number before I felt it was ok to leave it alone. However, I’d start experiencing intrusive thoughts of my lost friend which I felt I had to try and cancel out with “safe” thoughts. Trying to check things became a nightmare for me.
Whenever I heard of my friends illness I’d become very anxious. Once I was having dinner and it came on the TV. I had to rush upstairs to be sick. My father said I shouldn’t watch TV while I was having dinner but I couldn’t tell him what really made me sick.
I was very intense and used to press hard into the paper when writing. One teacher said I’ll be going right through paper it if I didn’t relax! I used to hate taking exams because I’d be sick before them. Even when coming home from holiday knowing the exam results would be waiting there, after dinner at a pub I was sick again.
When I started work, I’d hate being the last one to leave the house and locking up so I’d rush to leave before my parents to avoid the anxiety I knew it’d cause me. Around this time, I started to learn to drive. When I came to take the test, I was visiting the loo half a dozen times with nerves. Once I did pass my test, the checking rituals started to affect me locking the car doors. I’d have to check them countless times and keep walking back to re-check to reassure myself they really were locked. I don’t know what people thought!
I have always been a perfectionist but this leads to stress and when we feel stressed, the OCD is much more difficult to control because the feelings become much more intense.
My checking though wasn’t my only problem. My health phobia also became worse. I would wash my hands thoroughly before leaving work and again when I got home. I was afraid of germs at work contaminating everything I touched in the car. I’d wash them Before and After using a toilet and I’d cover the toilet seat with paper, put a lot down the loo to stop splashes and even then avoid sitting. I used to block the loo so often at work!
I also tried to avoid using the phones at work because I was afraid of picking up germs from the earpiece so if the phone rang I’d try to not be in the room. I also tried to avoid handling food so I’d keep it covered in plastic or paper while I ate it.
On one occasion at work I was completing a form with lots of figures. I made a mistake but rather than just cross it out, I felt I had to re-do the whole form. My boss saw me do this because he saw me copying the figures from the incorrect form. He went potty! I felt so embarrassed but also so annoyed with myself that I couldn’t resist my OCD.
I used to avoid touching black bags because I connected the colour black with funerals. I felt that if I touched them and then touched something else, something bad would happen so I’d wash my hands after coming into contact with anything that was black. I wouldn’t even wear black clothes. I couldn’t cross the road behind black cars because of funeral cars so I’d stand there waiting for another car or keep walking on the same side of the road until another car came along. If people walked past me whilst I was doing something I’d connect their walking past me with the thought of “passing away” so I’d have to repeat the what I was doing. I also used to have to clock on and off but I’d wait for a “safe” number before I put my card in. If I read a book, I’d have to find a “safe” word before closing it and when I switched on/off the TV and radio I’d have to hear “safe” words or I’d switch on/off again until I felt ok.
I’d begin to avoid health programmes because I’d start feeling anxious and be unable to do anything while the programme was on. If something came on TV whilst I was doing something I’d have to wait and then repeat. I found doing jobs around the house or in the garden became very difficult because of intrusive thoughts. I’d have to repeat actions with “safe thoughts” to counteract the fearful thoughts. If I heard someone say a word or phrase that frightened me, I’d have to repeat whatever I was doing with a “safe” thought. I even pulled at what little hair I have and then I couldn’t stop until I it felt “safe”! Also when I cut my nails, I’d have to think of a “safe” thought before I could finish them.
All of these things began long before my other problems surfaced with panic attacks, self harm, suicidal thoughts, od’s etc or I began taking any form of medications. My OCD problems just went unnoticed and without any help to cure it. Eventually I went for therapy but I found that when I was at therapy I was ok because these things only happened at home or at work. I was also much later given Seroxat but I found the side-effects made me feel really ill so I stopped taking them. I also tried various other medications for general anxiety.
When things became too much and I’d simply had enough of these rituals, I started to try and help myself. I started to ignore my intrusive thoughts as just fears based on bad memories from my past. This was very difficult because the compulsion to repeat things was hard to resist but once I’d tackled one once and nothing happened, it gave me the confidence to ignore other frightening thoughts.
I began trying to resist my rituals by not letting myself repeat actions despite the anxiety I felt. I found that the more I repeated actions, the more anxious I became. If I only did things once regardless of my thoughts, I found the anxiety would decrease much faster without me feeling stressed out and depressed by it.
If I was afraid of touching something, I’d push myself to touch and resist washing my hands etc. I had to prove to myself there was actually nothing to be afraid of and they were just irrational thoughts based on past fears, such as illness or "getting in trouble by accident", which may also have been created by bad experiences.
If I had fearful thoughts or worries, I’d not allow myself to dwell on them by thinking of other “enjoyable” things to think of and focus on them. The more I distracted my mind, the less the intrusive thoughts frightened me.
I found the more I tried to fight off the frightening thoughts with “safe” thoughts, the more the frightening thoughts would occur. They seemed to enjoy bugging me and getting me to repeat things.
These days I’m able to do so much more with my time because I’m not hampered by rituals because of fears. I wouldn’t say I’m cured because the thoughts still occur but I am now more able to ignore them.
As you can see, I was badly affected by OCD so I know how difficult and frightening it is to resist repeating rituals. If we try to fight off the frightening thoughts, they’ll come back even more so. It’s very hard to do but once we stop being afraid of them and let them through us as “just thoughts”, then the repeating rituals become much easier to resist and we feel much less stressed out.
When we encounter a frightening thought, we try repeating a ritual or counteract the thought with a “safe” thought to stop the anxious feelings but because we prevent ourselves from experiencing the feelings, they always return and so the cycle continues.
Once we allow ourselves to experience the anxious feelings, they Do gradually subside, so our confidence builds. It is actually the anxious feelings that we’re afraid of rather than the thoughts themselves. The thoughts are just the triggers to those feelings and those thoughts are from our past bad experiences. They’re just built on fearful memories that are still with us Because they created fear within us. Once we stop being afraid of the thoughts by treating them as thoughts like any other thought we have, then the anxious feelings that make us repeat actions will also subside and the thoughts stop being so intrusive when we try to do things. To be crude, if we go to the loo whilst we think of a frightening thought, we can’t retrieve anything to repeat the action so we should treat other items in the same way.
There is Always a way to learn to cope with the issues that cause our anxiety.:winks: