How do I break the cycle

[sarajane]

I only joined this lovely site yesterday. The few of you that I have already meet in the chatroom have made me feel really welcome. . Thanx

It is fantastic to finally have found a site that I can now go to that has 'like minded' people on board.

My 'ex' partner (Well all my ex partners) have never understood my depression, and most of the time would just tell me to 'just get on with it for gods sake'. Yer right!!!. . . Easier said than done. . . Then they would either treat me really badly or leave me, most times both!

Well, when you are a life long sufferer of depression it's not that easy to 'just get on with it'.
As you all know. Some days everything may seem fine in 'your world', but even when it is, do you find that you still have to drag yourself to work or the shops and continue all day trying to convince yourself to be 'normal' and to just 'get on with it' like 'normal people', and not just chuck the job in or leave the shopping for another day (again) and crawl under the closest rock, or get in the car and just drive and drive, with no real destination in mind.

I'm very very very lucky in one sense, that I now have a boss that understands me, (she has even come to my psychiatrist with me) and over the two years that I have worked for her I have quit 3 times, and each time I quit, she just gives me a day on my own, then calls me up to tell me that I am not allowed to quit and that "we all love you, and we will see you on Monday, OK".
So I hopefully have my work under control, touch wood, I haven't quit once this year!!!

BUT. . . . It is my personal life that I need help to learn about and change. I need to learn to believe in myself, and that I am worthy of 'real' love from a nice considerate man. I'm working on it. I made the first step by joining this web site. . . So. . . I would apreciate your help.

My Question?
How can I break this life long condioning of attracting men into my life, that treat me exactly the same way as I was treated by my father?

I was emotionally neglected and physically and sexually abused, by my father, (the sexual abuse stopped when I was 6yrs). But the emotional abuse and controlling continued until 2005. That's 45 years, as I'm now 47yrs young :D .

It didn't matter what kind of abuse my father dumped onto me, I still kept trying to make him happy and to please him, I loved him so very much, he was my hero, and I didn't realise that what he was doing to me was abuse. I didn't realise that I could never make him happy, until about two years ago. I realise now it was all a power game to him, of which he WON very easily.
It wasn't until other members of my family took him to court last year and he was finally convicted of his abuses in December 2007 that his emotional abuse of me finally stopped. And that was only because he was now safely locked up. Yee Haaa. . .

Anyway, I can not even think about dating men again until I can learn how to change my life long condioning. SO Any advice from anyone will be greatly apreciated.

Cheers to you all

from your new friend in Australia.

Sarajane

Hugs to all x x x x

[NewDawnFades]

Dear Sarajane,

I understand about life-long depression and the abuses you mentioned. You're right... Unless someone has lived with the depression and the bad memories, they can't ever say, "just get on with it". I know, because that is the same thing that everybody who knows about this, says to me. They just don't what it's like.

Having said that, I want to offer this encouragement to you, and yet, I don't want to sound like this is "the answer". But, it sure does help keep my mind focused on the big picture. That big picture, is the fact that there is so much in my life that I want to accomplish. I can't accomplish anything in the past. So, I must remind myself that despite all the horrible things that I have seen and been though, I owe it to myself to look forward and not back. There is nothing that anyone can do to change it. Give yourself credit, you earned it!

One other thing I think is important, is a reflection on the fact that even though I still suffer greatly to this day, I try to consider how far I have come. If someone is struggling from depression, anxiety, panic attacks, etc. for any length of time, and continues to fight to live, has to be strong. So, after everything that you have gone through, you did not make it this far without having strength.

I hope these two ideas help you to re-direct your thoughts to the future, and also let you see how far you have come. It may be a slow and arduous process, but in the end, you will be the victor.

Please take care of yourself,

David

[sarajane]

:yesyes: Thank you sooo much for your insight into my problems and also your openness about your own experiences with depression. You are so right, I have come a very long way, and even though I've had this recent setback regarding my 'ex' I do feel so much stronger than I did even just two years ago when other upsets would bring me down for weeks or months at a time.
PLUS. . . There is so much in my life that is :) 'SOOOO....GOOD":) .

Firstly, I have two fantastic beautiful daughters, aged 15 and 12yrs, (my little gifts from god as I call them), I must admit that they are very hard work emotionally some times, as all teenagers can be. But they are very emotionally stable girls considering that they have a mother who suffers from deppression.

When I had my girls, I vowed that I would break the emotional abuse cycle that I had been raised with, and it gives me great joy and pleasure to see them thriving in our loving home.

We respect each others views and I've taught them that nothing, 'ABSOLUTLY NOTHING in this 'consumer :weep: dominated' society that we all live in, is more important than the love and support you will recieve from your family and your friends.

My girls don't need to go out and 'play-up' in our town and get themselves into trouble like I did when I was a teenager, because they recieve lots of love and support in our home. I continue to raise them in totally the opposite way as how I was raised. I really can't go wrong that way.

I've also realised that by allowing them to vent their anger openly at home, either by talking or yelling or playing loud music in their room, or maybe all of those things, after something has gone wrong in their day, has stopped them from venting their stored up anger onto our communitee.

The girls father, who they see every now and again, is the typical old school parent who believes that 'children are seen and not heard'. He wont let them speak their minds or have any opinion that doesn't belong to him, and by him doing that to them, when ever they come home from his place they are always quite depressed and angry.
I have had them in therapy a few times to try to help them understand why some people are the way they are and to also help them to understand my emotional problems, and also with therapy it's helped them to realise that that's just the way their Dad is, and that not all adults in our society are like their dad and that normal people allow everyone no matter how old they are to voice their own opinions and that you shouldn't agree with someone just to keep the piece, even if you don't agree with what they are saying.

You see, as you probably realised, I ended up in a marriage with a complete carbon copy of my father (without the sexual abuse-thank god).
My eldest daughter said to me one day a few months ago after one of her therapy sessions, "Mum, my god our dad is a control freak, he's just like your dad". Thank god though that my ex is not a child sex abuser. I give him credit for that, also I now realise that he really didn't have much choice with the parents he had as well. His dad left him when he was about 8yrs old and he was raised by a very intimidating and controling mother, who actually still controls him to this very day. The only difference between him and me is that I didn't like the way I was bought up and totally wanted my girls brought up differently, but Scott (the girls dad), believes that the way he was brought up was the right way and that is why he treats his own children the same.
Oh well enough raving on, once I get started I can't seem to stop raving on and on and on and on . . .

Thanks again for your reply to my question, and it's great to know you guys are there. You might be on the other side of the world, but we all seem to have the same thoughts and emotions.
One thing I've noticed though with people who suffer from depression is that they are all very loving and caring people.

Love and hugs from Australia
It's really hot here today, thank god for the air conditioning, I imagin that all of you are probably huddled around your fire places.

Love SJ x x x x

[chalky]

Hi Sarajane,

Welcome to the Forum!!

:hugs: :yesyes: :hugs: :yesyes: :hugs: :yesyes:

I hope you find the advice and support available here helpful.
Bless you for the horrible abuse you have had to endure.
Best wishes,
Chalky

[sarajane]

thanx chalky, You know I've been feeling like a new person today, like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I've never had any support from anyone before, so to be able to share my thoughts on this site and know that there are like minded people out there has really helped me so much. you are all so great.:) Finally I don't think that I'm crazy. I love it.
Cheers
SJ
Hugs:hugs: