Afraid to look for symtoms.

[worriedGrace]

Does anyone else behave like me or am I just mad? I am so afraid that I might see something that frightens me that I have developed strange habits to avoid this. For instance I go to great lengths not to look in the toilet after I have been in case I see blood. Likewise I remove my pants with my eyes shut and put them straight in the washing machine. I have done this for so long it has become normal to me but now I wonder if there is blood there and by not seeing it I am ignoring important symptoms. I have never told a doctor about this so you are the first people I feel safe with to confide in. Any attempt no to do these 'rituals' leads to a panic attack.

Has anyone ever heard of someone behaving as strangely as I do. I can't believe there is anyone as odd as me.

[Swarbs79]

Hi Grace

You are certainly not alone. Depending on my state of mind and if I'm having an 'episode' I've been known to do exactly this. Sometimes, I get my period, and I know full well its my period cos it will come on the exact day that my period is due and I'll still be convinced that it's 'something else'

I guess if you're odd then it means I am too :-)

Swarbs x

[Alisonj]

I wish I could avoid doing those things!!! I am the opposite and find myslef looking for symptoms constantly!
It is all just a part of the horrible anxiety. You are very normal and it is probably a better thing not to look for things!
Lots of hugs!

[countrygirl]

This is the obsessive compulsive part of health anxiety. We all do weird things from not looking to opposite of looking intensely! Lots of mental health doctors now put health anxiety in the OCD diagnosis and i have to say it seems to fit.

YOur not looking is no different to all the people on here who obsessively poke or prod themselves feeling for changes or lumps etc.

[anxious]

Hi,

i've been doing CBT and they say you should stop doing what you are obsessively doing (in my case - checking) or do more of what you are avoiding (your case). Definately the OCD part of ha,

love anx x

[Gryphoenix]

I have totally done this! You're not alone, I am JUST as odd! :D

I don't do it as much anymore (well, there are some things I have to work on >__<) but I forced myself in slow steps to actually look. Slow, small steps so that you are comfortable. There is that feeling of fear and 'what if this time IT HAPPENS!?'

What I think we need to get used to is being okay if it does. If there is something wrong, it's okay, it doesn't mean you're gonna keel over right then and there.

I used to be terrified of finding blood or whatever in my underoos and then I figured--well, it's gonna be there whether I look for it or not, and it was kinda empowering when I took the leap.

I still hate looking in the toilet though. Sorry, this post is full of TMI! :D

[Meewah]

Sorry you can't suffer alone.

I shower in the dark, use a bar of soap (organic of course) instead of my hands to clean myself so I dont feel lumps. If I get an itch I dont look just in case it is a mole. Sometimes though I find myself feeling a little more confident and I have a look or a feel and on numerous occassions I ahve thought that I have found something wrong and I immediately panic and the anx goes up, I then have to wait until I can check again when my rational mind has returned only to convince myself. Then I wish I had never been drawn by temptation. My anxiety then worries me by thinking of what If I dont find something that could have been rectified easily and may be life threatning later, and that makes me panic again so I can't win. I assume I am avoiding checking as if I find anything I hate the panic it creates and its the panic that frightens me more. I am hoping that one day I will be able to check myself without panicing and may be save my own life. Horrible thought. I have now started doing the same with My wife. I find it difficult to touch and caress her just in case I discover a lump on her. It is affecting our relationship as I just cant tell her that I am afraid that I may find something wrong with either of us. I dont know how I will react if any of my kids say they have found a lump or a pain....the mind boggles.

Take care in time it will get better.

Love Mee

[JaneS]

Sounds like me - only I don't check for symptons rather perform rituals prior to going for any Doctors/Hospital appointments. I definitely suffer quite badly with OCD and feel that if I don't do these rituals - they will find something seriously wrong with me when I get there - so I'll touch door handles or check the cooker hob hundreds of times or make sure certain clothes are a certain way in the wardrobe - this list is endless and it really is exhausting doing all this but very difficult to stop! Have told Doctor and am waiting to be referred for some Coginitive Behavioural Therapy - hope it works. You are not alone in your behaviour and it is comforting to know that I am not either.

[coxwit]

This thread makes me feel a lot better that I am not alone. I do the OCD checking of the toilet contents before flushing as well as weighing myself (about 10 times a day) to see if I have lost weight unexplaianedly. How much better I could be if I would let it go.

Andy

[worriedGrace]

Thanks for your replies. I really believed that nobody had strange thoughts except me and I feel so much better knowing I am not alone Somtimes I act so oddly that even I can see the funny side of it and I do not mind telling stories that peculiarities. I once bought a very expensive outfit for a special occasion. I was amazed that I could fit into one 2 sizes smaller than usual. Most people would have been delighted but I spent a dreafull night worrying that I had lost weight for some sinister reason. As soon as the shops opened I rushed to Boots to weigh myself(too scared to have scales at home). I had GAINED 2 pounds. Logical friends told me that expensive clothes have more generous sizing.