Just gone back on meds and feel like a failure

[monique]

Hi, I'm Monique. I'm 43, wife, mother and artist who teaches to pay the bills. Just gone back on citalopram for the third time.Anyone else been on and off these meds? Any opinions about using them like this? I'm feeling anxious and ashamed about getting to this point again. Severe bouts of anxiety have always involved me starting to have trouble sleeping. Then I get worn down by sleep deprivation and less and less able to control anxiety. It turns into a vicious cycle. About 2 years ago, after about a month of this, I decided to give citalopram a go, really,really hesitantly. I was working full time and had all four of my kids and stepkids living at home. Just couldn't afford not to function. I was on the meds for 6 months. They did get me sleeping again after initial side effects wore off. Then I weaned off as felt better. Then back on again a few months later when sleeping became an issue again. Off after about 7 months and now just started again after a month of being worn down by insomnia. I've had bouts of severe anxiety every few years all my adult life. When I think of it now, what I thought of as "normal" the rest of the time was actually already pretty anxious, its just that I didn't know any different. So it hasn't taken much to push it into the unmanageable zone. I've had counselling of various kinds over the years and also use meditation and exercise to try to control my anxiety and I guess that its worked, enough to keep me more or less functioning anyway.

[Nibbles]

Hi Monique and :welcome:

You'll get loads of advice and support here while making new friends along the way. Please don't be ashamed about taking citalopram, you go for it if it helps. The only thing I'd suggest is to visit your GP every couple of months to monitor it which I'm sure you're doing already. I myself went back onto citalopram after a period of being off them and I think it's really common.

Take care,

Mike :)

[doglover]

Hi Monique,
this is the second time in a year ive been on them. The first time i had no side effects, this time the first two weeks were awful but im starting to get the benefits again. Again i think its quite common and if you find a med that works for you why not take it when you need it. I would say though i think my problems have come back because i didnt really address the issues that were causing my anxiety so this time i going to have counselling as well.
Donna x

[groovygranny]

Hello Monique:welcome: to you!

Please, please do not feel anxious and ashamed! I was only on Citalopram for 6 mnths, but I wouldn't hesitate going back on them if it was absolutely necessary - even with all the horrible side effects - if I thought doing so would help me again.

I'm not sleeping too well at the moment and I can feel the old 'wobblies' trying to creep back, but that's because I have a lot going on. Knowing what may be causing your sleeplessness too may serve to help you tackle it. It sounds as though you have a very full and demanding life, understandably with a young family, and this alone would be enough to cause one many sleepless nights.

I'm sure this cycle can be broken - and with the help and support of fellow sufferers here I hope that may be sooner rather than later for you.:hugs:

Pleased to meet you!

:flowers:

[Lindalou64]

HELLO MONIQUE AND WELCOME TO THE SITE...I WISH YA WELL...LINDA

[monique]

Hi all 3 who replied to my intro and thanks for the recognition. Its a strange thing with pharmaceutical drugs. I'd have no hesitation about taking herbal supplements or getting acupuncture or any number of natural treatments to try to improve well-being. But somehow as soon as a treatment comes from the conventional medical system, I start to feel I'm defined as a sick person. So I give myself the benefit of the medication with one hand but then struggle not to take it away with the other because of the stigma of being a sick person... I know all the rational arguments. But I guess I get so lonely with trying to keep the good self-talk going, I just start to go under sometimes. Family and friends, well, they're often busy and burdened themselves, and my kids need me to be strong. Getting weepy now.

[PUGLETMUM]

its hard to put into words really what you want to say to somebody - it seems inadequate when someone is in distress. you are obviously strong and you realise you have some internal struggle over this issue of meds, maybe now is not the time to try to resolve them?like you say, you have your needs, and they have to be met. would you consider taking them AND getting some talking therapy at the same time? other than that i dont know what to say except you are always welcome here to discuss your problems, and you do sound very strong so im sure you will be able to deal with this even if it 'feels' at the moment you wont be able to.

take care emma

[redjeff]

hi monique i can relate to you ,i hate meds but they can help, i come off them and then slowly sink back into depression, friends can see it ,but i can't, only when thoughts of suicide come do i realise i'm ill again. i somehow in the past thought i had conscious control of my mental health, i clearly don't. i seem reluctant to take meds ,i don't know where it comes from, whether a form of rebellion, control ,i wish i knew . if i had a physical illness that threatened my life i'd take meds, i guess its something to do with the destructive nature of the illness good luck red jeff

[Yvonne]

Hi Monique

I also had to go back on meds recently after only an 8 week break! So, please do not beat yourself up about this. I was determined to try to stay off medication because of not getting very positive/therapeutic effects from meds over the last couple of years.

However, with lots of stress around at the moment and the feeling of sinking back into a place I didn't want to be i.e. very anxious/emotionally labile (I think that's what the professionals call it) - I just decided that I will try yet another med in the hope that this one does do it's job.

The anxiety/depression whatever can make you feel terrible in so many other ways and you may not be able to functionwith every day stuff feeling like that - so... if there is a possibility that a medication may help then I say you have to have it.

Take care and don't give it another thought - be nice to yourselfxxx

[nomorepanic]

Hi Monique

Welcome aboard and lovely to see you here.

Please feel free to ask any questions.

You will meet some lovely people here and get some great support.

[monique]

Thanks again for replies guys. I'm just digesting the fact that each time I come back to my laptop, there is something more to read and think about written by someone who is dealing with some similar issues. It feels really comforting.
The weepy thing from the last post was me expressing a sense of relief that I feel I can be real about this stuff and there is another valiant soul out there that acknowledges the minute by minute struggle involved with these mental states. Hard to get that across in writing.

[manmoor]

Hi Monique,

A big warm welcome to you. xx

[kate]

Hi Monique and welcome to the forum :flowers:

Kate

[Dying_Swan]

Hi Monique :)

Welcome to NMP!

Please don't feel like a failure...you sound quite the opposite to me.

I have been on Citalopram for 2.5 years and don't see myself coming off any time soon! Insomnia is also an issue for me and I know what an impact it can have on your anxiety. Lots of people here will understand. It might be worth staying on it for a bit longer if it's helping.

Anyway - welcome. I hope you find lots of support and advice here :yesyes:

xxx :flowers:

[june]

Hi Monique
Welcome :flowers:
That is the best thing about this site you can say how bad you feel and do not have to feel ashamed
( we should not have to anyway but we always beat ourselves up)
The main thing is to know and to feel that you are not alone in your fears and anxieties.
Some one / everyone on these pages will give you support.
Best wishes
june
:hugs:

[monique]

Thanks again for all your replies.

I do feel very far away here in New Zealand. But there's an advantage too. 3 - 4am bouts of anxiety is the worst for me. Its so, so lonely. There's a quote by the philosopher Nietszche: "When we are tired we are attacked by ideas we conquered long ago". I dread those times. But... you Northern Hemisphere people are more likely to be awake then, so, a friend who understands in the middle of the night. Its a comforting thought.

Virtual hug, Monique