Losing control

[Bill]

So often I've heard people say about a fear of losing control so I wanted to share my views and what I've learnt on this.

When we feel in control, we feel safe and secure. If we don't feel in control, our anxiety feels worse.

It's all about the fear of straying off our "safe" path. Everything has to be in its place, we need to know where someone is, we can't stand waiting when someone is late, we can't stand losing anything.

Everything is black and white. Uncertainty causes us fear so we have to be "sure" of everything.

We're rigid and inflexible because fear stops us from straying. we won't change what's making us unhappy because we need to feel "safe".

The problem is that fear then takes control of every aspect of our lives. How we think, how we behave. There are no grey areas.

I can remember when I was young how either something was either always Right or Wrong. I had a hardlined opinion on everything. I couldn't be flexible because I couldn't allow myself to accept exceptions to the rule. Stubborness which was actually linked to anxiety.

If we're inflexible by trying to keep in control by attempting to keep "safe", we'll actually create anxiety in ourselves when something happens to force us off our safe path. This means we then can't deal with emotional (hurt, pain) or outside stresses so easily. Our need to keep safe actually causes us harm because life Isn't "safe" because bad things happen which we can't prevent so when they occur we then find we can't deal with them as well as we should.

We have to allow ourselves flexibility in our behaviour and thinking. To accept there are grey areas. We have to allow ourselves to "not straighten the tablecloth" and to be "Imperfect".

We have to learn to be more laid back and Accept life for all it's uncertainties by being less rigid in our thinking.

[sagey]

Hello Bill, "safe and secure", I think it would do me a world of good to go on a trip to somewhere that I don't know and don't speak the language, without cash or access to a phone! In a way, i'd be the old me going to the world of anxiety and panic- totally lost and in distress, wondering how the heck I can get back home. Realistically I'd have to accept I was lost and seek help in finding my way home. Could I accept the situation, stay calm and find my way home eventually?

[Bill]

Yes.....I'd have faith in you! :winks: because we're stronger than we all realise but only find out when we're put into a situation we fear.

[lorac]

Bill on reading this I can see that I am holding myself back so much buy not just letting things be. You are so right, we do need things in black and white. i think that all my life I have wanted to put things, and people into the spaces I want to put them in and maybe this was the cause of my anxiety. I have health anxiety and forever search for things within myself to be wrong, this again is down to control. I so much need to be in control and have gaurantees that all will be perfect that I have lost control of the real aspects of life. I have to accept there are many grey areas in my life and in the lives of others and once I start letting go and accepting I may restore more balance in my life and put more trust in myself.

I know I have a great inner strength but I just have to learn to trust in me alot more and not keep living my life with what ifs.

Thank you so much for this post it has made me think what the cause of my anxiety is.


Carol
xxx

[Lilith1980]

I totally agree with this - when I try and take control of things by knowing what is happening/where people are etc, I find myself spiralling more out of control.

My anxiety gets worse as I work hard to keep track of everything.

I think the more we learn to "let go", the more in control we become as we are accepting things for how they are instead of trying to pre-determine how things will pan out. xxxxx

[Gryphoenix]

I'm definetly one of those black and white thinking type people--I can't stand losing control, when I have really bad days I even have a terrible time going to sleep because I was too afraid to relenquish control to unconciousness!

I realize the reason why I worry so much is because I feel that by 'worrying' I can do something about the future situation that is bothering me. I want sooo bad to tackle that situation NOW--that I worry about what I am going to do in that situation constantly as to be prepared which kinda works in a way but it's a form of me trying to have control since I can't jump through time to the future.

It's like the more I worry about it the more I can control the outcome. It's also why I have HA and worry about my heart--the heart just happens to be one of those things that you can't conciously control, which freaks me out a bit. I know that I have PAs when I think "my panic's out of control and I have no control over it!"

I was never really that brave before because I could never make that leap--I didn't know what would happen and I suppose that somehow scares me.

Argh, I need to learn how to let go and have patience...

[Bill]

Ahhh...that word "patience" again.....

I posted this thread a couple of weeks ago about it...

Patience!
This is something we're not good at!:winks:

We want the feelings to stop overnight. We get so frustrated with ourselves because we can't stop them. We tense ourselves up making ourselves even more stressed. We end up feeling so low with no hope that we break down in tears. We see no point fighting them. We want to give up.......and all because we're impatient and want the symptoms to stop overnight because they scare us so much.

It's a natural reaction because the symptoms are horrible! However, by being impatient we make ourselves feel worse.:weep:

If we react with patience and learn not to allow them to wind us up then the symptoms Will disappear overnight. By working ourselves up, we keep the feelings alive. It's what they want us to do because they enjoy scaring us! Don't let them bully you and say to yourselves "I Don't Care how you're making me feel". Be patient and the symptoms Will give up overnight! :hugs:
_____________________________
To add a little bit to the thread on patience - we Have to remember that "WE" create our anxiety symptoms because of the way we've learnt to react to stressful thoughts and situations.

"WE" create our anxiety symptoms by the way we "think" so "WE" can also stop them by learning to control them by learning a new way of thinking. Easy to say I know but it IS possible............but getting impatient with ourselves "don't" help!:winks:

So often we wind ourselves up into a state by attempting to keep control of what is impossible to control, when all we need do is take a step back and calm ourselves by letting go and thinking about the things we Can do to help ourselves.

[lorac]

Bill I think you must be a mind reader. I have just come back from a walk, not feeling that good this morning, and I was just getting myself in a state coz I have the same old symptoms again. Reading this I shall now try to calm myself down and learn some patience and concentrate on the things I can do. Your'e right patience is the answer.

Thanks Bill

Love
Carol
xxx

[Gryphoenix]

Ooh, thanks Bill, that's a good one! Patience is totally the answer.

I seriously think most of my panics have happened because I was impatient--like you said, I desperately wanted the symptoms to stop now, especially the racing heart. When they didn't stop, I just wound myself up even more. I notice now I do much better when I don't immediately react with horror to a physical symptom and take a moment to just wait it out and it promptly takes care of itself when I am patient.

I think you're a mind reader too. :D