When will things start to get better

[mumof4]

Today and tomorrow arnt good days for me it will be 1 year tomorrow that my mum passed from cancer. I am doing okay with it well i think.

The main big worry is my dad he hasnt been coping too well over the past year so much so that ive had to move him in with us, he hut the bottle and was drinking a litre of vodka a day i know he misses my mum they were married for 26 years and spent everyday together.

But yesterday i found him bk in his house drunk with vodka when he told me he was working but i knew something was up so i went to his flat and there he was sitting with his vodka i was really angry at him, he is supposed to be hear for me and my sister this weekend but i feel he was selfish as he didnt care about how we felt just about him and how he couldnt handle it.

I feel like i have to watch him and make sure hes alright when i feel at 48 he should be able to look after himself but he cant he dont know how too my mum used to run after him.

I have my own problems to deal with and although i am alot better im not cured yet and he knows how bad i am but i feel like he dosnt care.


Sorry to rant on but i needed to get it out.

[nomorepanic]

Taylor

I am sorry to hear about your mum. It is always hard when it is an anniversary of someone dying so I can understand that you wanted some more support from your dad.

I guess it is his way of dealing with it, although that isn't very helpful for you and your sister.

Is the drinking getting worse and it is a regular thing now? Would it be possible to talk to him about it or does that not help?

Will be thinking of you tomorrow and hope that you and your sister can support each other regardless of how your dad is.

Nicola

[lisarose]

Hi Taylor,

Sorry to hear you are having such a bad time, it must be very difficult for you and I wish I could say something to make you feel better. maybe you should try to get your dad to see someone about how he is feeling. People handle things in different ways and the drinking is your dads way of trying to deal with his grief I suppose and he probably doesn't know how to handle it any other way. It must be very hard for you to deal with as you have to watch him being like this when you feel he should be there for you. i am sure he does care very much about you but unfortunately people can be very selfish and sometimes they can't see how their behaviour is affecting other people. It must also be a very difficult time for him also but unfortunately alcohol tends to make things worse as it only blocks things out short term and sooner or later he will have to face up to his problems. I wish I could offer you more advice on how to deal with this but just rember that we are all here to support you.

Take care
Love Lisaxx

[mumof4]

tks nic he is off the vodka while he stays in my house i do allow him to have a few beers everyother night.

When hes not drinking the vodka we can talk about my mum.

But yesterday i was so angry at him me and my partner have helped him alot we cook and clean and wash his clothes all he has to do is work and i felt yesterday that all he did was kick me in the face after everything we have done and its not easy i also have 2 kids and a 3 month old as well plus we work .

He told me at christmas that he didnt care about us he just wanted to die then a few weeks later he asked for our help to get him off the vodka thats why im so angay at him.

[mumof4]

i forgtot to say he wont go to the doctors nor to councelling he thinks councelling is a trisha show thing.

I feel he does need someone to talk to apart from me and my sister but he wont do it.

I did have a talk to my counceller on friday about my dad which makes me feel better then that way im not bottling it up.

[nomorepanic]

I think he is being selfish but he probably doesn't realise that he is upsetting you so much.

I am pleased that you manage to control his drinking when he is with you but it would be nice if he supported you more and helped out.

You have enough to cope with as it is.

My dad was an acloholic and it killed him in the end. I am not saying your dad is but I do understand about the not wanting to get help thing cos my dad wouldn't either.

Talking does help and we are here to listen if you need us.

Hope you are having a lovely mothers day despite all this upset and the fact that you must be missing your mum too.

Nicola

[sal]

Hi Taylor

I am so sorry about your mum and i know how hard it will be for you this weekend. Anniversaries of a death are always hard but i found the first one especially hard to cope with.

Your dad isnt been fair on you but it sounds like he is not coping at all, but until he can admit that, you can only be there to support him but remember you need your time out aswell. He cant expect you to baby sit him all the time.

We will be all thinking of you tomorrow, so dont forget that.

Take care hon.



Lots of Love Sal xxxxx

[FAN]

hi this is a difficult situation i was in a similar one, last year my father had lung cancer and needed 24 hour care out of 6 siblings i was the one who had to move in and stay with him (because im single the rest feel its not a problem) this was hard work as i dont get on with my mother but worked along side her in his care until he died in october. this may sound really selfish but after his death my first thought was "i get my life back now" but it wsnt like that it was then presumed i would take over looking after mother who was not coping at all, i also had my own depression to contend with and she was totally draining me . i went to the doctor who told me to walk away from it of course offer to do my bit but refuse to give up my own life to manage hers i have now done that and although it ddnt go down too well with every one else i needed my own time and space. Do you feel you havent been able to properly grieve for your mother for having to take responsibility for your father ? if so tell your father that he needs to realise that although your being strong for him and helping him that you need him to take some responsibility for helping himself too, tomorrow will be hard but im sure all of you together can get through this will be thinking of you

fan x

[lainey]

Hi Taylor

How are you today chuck ! I know how you are feeling as I lost my Mum 8 years ago this May.
Ever since my father has been a very bitter and angry man who doesn't have a good word to say about anyone.
Your father is obviously taking his grief out on the bottle which must be so hard for you and your sister. You have been so kind to him, he now needs to be kind to you to allow you time to grieve.
You will feel better eventually, time is the only thing that has helped me, because as time goes on your feelings of grief become easier to deal with.

Thinking of you

Take care

Elaine x

[Meg]

Hi Taylor

Your Dad is not coping with his grief at all and is drowning his sorrows in the only way he knows how .. He must be feeling desperately sad and twisted inside.

You might want to ring 'Cruse' yourself and ask them for advice
They are fantastic.



Meg
www.overcominganxiety.co.uk
You cannot conquer fear until you have learned what it is you're afraid of. The enemy is ignorance. Vivian Vance

[mumof4]

tks guys for ur replys today i have been okay went to the cerm first thing and put flowers down. Then i sent my dad to work hes a taxi driver and i thought that was the best thing to do but i did say if he feels bad just to come home i hope he does it.

tks for listening to me

[sal]

Hi

Pleased today has gone okay for you hon. Been thinking of you. Hope your dad copes okay at work and you get a bit of time to yourself.

Take care.

Lots of Love Sal xxxxx

[lainey]

Hi Taylor

Glad today has been ok, we are always here to listen chuck!

Take care

Elaine x

[Karen]

Hi Taylor

Sorry to hear that you are having a difficult time at the moment, both with trying to help your dad and the anniversary of losing your mum.

I'm glad you are managing to cope ok today. We are here for you.



Karen



It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.

[sandy]

hi taylor, i do know how you feel, my mom died twelve months ago and it hurts so much, the anxiety just make everything worse, but im sure it must get better, chin up tp both of us.