A big challenge - how to cope?

[lilypie]

Hello everyone, I wonder if anyone has any advice, this is a really difficult situation.

My husband's panic attacks are all to do with a morbid fear of death. He obsesses about dying - all related to when he was age 10 and he saw his favourite uncle pass away slowly and painfully. He was on Cipramil for 2 years but came off them about a year ago after his attacks subsided to a manageable level.

Now he is facing a situation which is actually worse than all the fears which have haunted him for years. His father is dying of cancer and i really don't know how my husband - P - is going to cope with it.

In the beginning there was some hope that my father in law's cancer was treatable but now it's too far gone and there is no hope. While there was a possibility of a good outcome, P was just about able to cope. Now he's got the bad news he has gone into full panic attack mode. He is having attacks every half hour or so and cannot stop his cycle of morbid thoughts. This time he can't even tell himself that 'it's not really happening, it's just my fear'... because it is really happening.

We're lucky enough to have a neighbour who's a GP (P has a phobia of going to the doctor) and he's going to write a prescription for something (a -zepam type drug) which he says will help to numb things a bit.

Is there anything else I can do to help P through this? He is terrified that this is going to affect the rest of his life.

[neptuno]

Hello Lilypie !
I'm so sorry you are both having a really tough time. I have panic attacks and found myself in a similar situation to P last August when my mother-in-law was diagnosed with liver cancer.
I found that being open with my husband about what was happening to everyone helped. Also the Macmillan nurses were fantastic - giving treatment and guidance about what to expect. Looking back now, I am amazed at how I did cope. I think at some stage I just stopped worrying about myself and got busy with the practical things for mum - she was lucid and wanted lots of personal things sorted out. Her passing was very peaceful and pain-free (Macmillan see to all that) and witnessing this also helped me to cope in a strange sort of way.

P will be experiencing many emotions : disbelief, anger and also grief. Who wouldn't in these circumstances ? I would suggest you ask your GP for some intensive support and getfor lots of advice and information from Macmillan - once I knew what I was facing it removed alot of fear. It still hurt like hell though.
But I came through it, and so will you.
My prayers are with you.

Be kind to yourself

[PUGLETMUM]

:) hi, my mum died from cancer over 2 years and i was fine in all that time - well i had a panic cycle like p's that lasted 4 days, but other than that no panics.

its only since my mum died that ive had this sort of fear. and i can relate to p, because i have scared myself silly thinking about my daughter or husband dying. but the only thing i can say is, it will pass -the panics i mean, or he will have to accept them as part and parcel of the stress of what he is going through. this is such a shame that something hes been so frightened of has actually happened, i feel so sorry for him. the only thing he can do is try to be as positive as he possilbly can about the whole situation and try to control his negative thoughts as much as he can, i would suggest some counselling maybe? i dont know anything else, except relaxing, exercising getting fresh air - it does all help- and could you suggest he reads this forum so he knows hes not alone and also to get some tips on coping? i wish you well emma

[lilypie]

Neptuno and Emma, thank you so much for your replies. I'm so sorry that you went through this yourself. At the moment it's hard to believe that we will ever recover from this but I know we will in time. Thanks for your advice and kind thoughts, it really does help.

[neptuno]

Lillypie !
This is a difficult time for you too. You're probably getting stressed out by seeing those around you getting stressed out ! When something like this happens everybody suffers. You need to make time to take care of yourself as well as P.
I'm not into "touchy-feely" therapies - but I have found EFT useful for bringing down panic. You can find out more on www.emofree.com (http://www.emofree.com) but basically it works by tapping your fingers on acupuncture points (great, no needles) and you can do it anytime, anywhere without people thinking you've lost your marbles. For a quick-fix try tapping your collar-bone. I'm not sure why it works but the chinese have had the right idea for centuries - it works for me, costs nothing, and must be worth a try !
I'm thinking of you both.
Be kind to yourselves

[granlizto3]

Hi there Neptuno, I just went onto the eft site and am greatly impressed I am now going to practice some of the information provided and will let you no how I get on Thanx for info GranLiz

[Bill]

Hello lilypie,

Like all fears that we have no control over, I feel he needs to find enjoyment in life. Something he loves. Something he enjoys doing. Something to break the cycle of his fears creating his panics.

He's only having the panics because he's worrying so much about his fear. Once he stops "thinking" about the fear then the panics will stop too.

The easiest way to stop them is by doing something we enjoy and have things to look forward to so that the fears don't trouble us as much. In a way it's like suffering depression.

Sad events will make us depressed so we'll dwell on negative thoughts like our fears. We need fun, laughter and enjoyment to stop us thinking the thoughts that create our panics. In time we're then better able to accept life for what it is and stop our minds trying to control the uncontrollable such as the sad events that life brings. :hugs: