View Full Version : Family always labeled me a drama queen
I'm a parent, home-owner, wife and professional, but when I'm round my parents and siblings, I just feel like they want to see me like this shallow, ineffectual and hysterical person.:ohmy: :weep: :wacko: My family are really critical people at times. This makes me very anxious and always has. I'm writing this as my mother is reading my youngest daughter a bed time story. On the surface it seems all so normal. But inside I am feeling so uptight, a ball of defense, like an eighteen year old rather than a mature woman in her forties. None of you know me either so you cant reassure me that I am indeed a real adult. But if anyone relates to being triggered into anxiety by family it would be good to hear your story too.
Pink Panic
27-01-08, 09:22
I totally relate to what you are saying Monique. My family have always been a big part of my life but they have also added to my anxieties many many times.
As a child i was very cossetted by my Mum and didn't get the freedom that many other girls did. Perhaps being an only child didn't help either!
I think much of this has an impact on how i am now and sometimes i feel childlike in their presence. Yesterday i was having a bit of weepy turn as it's been 2 weeks since i last saw my partner (he works away) and my dad said the usual "get a grip" and i felt like some scolded teenager instead of a woman in her 40's!
My family are critical too and my dad has actually asked me why i can possibly have anxiety when i don't have any "real" worries in life!
Love
Pink
xxx
Lilith1980
27-01-08, 12:58
I think when people dont understand it doesnt seem logical how we can be unhappy and tense where there is seemingly nothing to stress us out.
I've been told to sort it out a few times and its the worse thing they can say - do they not think we'd have sorted it out by now if it was that easy!
I love my family to bits, they mean the world to me, but I feel they have added to my anxiety sometimes. I feel like I am treated as the "baby" even though I am the second oldest child. The way they talk to me sometimes is like I am still 8 years old and though I cant look after myself, even though I moved out of home when I was 17 and my two brothers are still at home!
I have told my Mum about my anxiety before but I just got bewildered looks. And I know she would worry about me and think I'm going to hurt myself or something so I dont talk about it anymore.
I dont have an advice to offer but just so you know you're not alone. Families can be difficult sometimes.
worriedGrace
27-01-08, 16:21
I don't know if my family caused my anxiety but they sometimes unwittingly added to it. My dear Mum told me as long as I can remember that I was highly strung and shy so I obligingly turned out like that. After I married I lost count of the times that I phoned Mum in tears and she dropped everything and came round to sort everything out. She meant well but it kept me like a child. I thought I couldn't live with out her but since she died I have in fact made a lot of progress. I feel dreadful writing this but it is true.
NewDawnFades
28-01-08, 06:08
Monique,
I want to simply state that I understand this very, very well. It seems so much like a stigma in many ways. To say that I can hide the intensive pain of depression and anxiety, would be lying. That simply means that should anyone ask how I am doing, then I will be honest with them. Other than that, I keep it inside. Despite the pain, I still have a warm, caring, and kindred spirit. That is my very nature. But, the hardest thing aside from that pain, is this "air" from the family (wife included), friends, and co-workers that I am incapable of doing anything. I'd like to think that I have done something productive in my life. Maybe not.
Well, I didn't want to make this reply too long, but just to let you know that I sympathize and support you and anyone else who deals with this as well. Good posting!
Take care of yourself,
David
I have a similar problem with my family, I still feel like I am living at home waiting for approval, if I present a problem to my folks they assume I am acting stupid and feel sometimes I am unable to do the right thing for my son.
Yes none of us know you personally but you have to be doing something good this far to be a homeowner, wife, professional and a mother. It takes a lot of work! I am trying to achieve just that and some days I feel like my head is going to explode trying to get the balance right.
My mother is a huge anx trigger for me, every time I come back from visiting my parents I am on edge they make me feel insufficient as a person, my mom implied once that I was a weak mother as I held my son on the right and not the left. It's funny how family make you feel sometimes but you will never loose your love for them or tell them off.
I hope you manage stay positive regardless of what they think,
take care,
Jane
both my mum and dad and supposed best friends have outright looked down on me for having anx disorder, and have at times asked whats wrong with me, and called me weak. my friends have actually laughed at me and now turned thier backs on me.
'i beleived them and at my worst tried to swallow a whole bunch of valium last year beleiving that i was pathetic and a waste of air.
that was until i read some of your replys to my pleas on here.......
i now know im much stronger then they think, and perhaps even moreso then they are....to live with GAD and ibs i now feel makes me verystrong and therefore capable of a lot more then i know. what i think about anx disorder is that because its a disorder of the mind, unlike say a physical disability, ppl just dont have compassion and dont try to understand, whereas someone with a leg that doesnt work properly, well, its something ppl can see, so they sympathise....does taht make sense?
That's very reassuring to see that I am not alone. Family events and potential conflict with family cause me the most anxiety and it comes out as pains and other physical symptoms in me. Saturday was a Birthday Party for my three year old, and between my parents, my in-laws, and my own wife and kids all being present the anxiety meter was at 99. By the end of the day when everybody had left I was convinced I was dying of colon cancer from the pains and the gas (excuse me).
With me I am sure it isn't just guilt but fear of conflict. My parents always left me feeling like I could never win an argument. I never heard them apologize to me once. There was no posative reinforncement. If it came down to my word against someone else they always beleived the other person. So, I have learned to fear any interaction with family as I am always left feeling in the wrong (throw the guilt in for good measure as I don't live up to their standards). Like you have said I am in my 40's with a home and family of my own and it still gets me going. Oh, to be able to erase our past and start over.
Andy
Hi everyone who replied to this. I did not expect to get such a response. I guess that the post touched a raw nerve for a few people. You know it was so helpful to be actually writing that little post while the anx was going on, as my dear old mother who I love so much was sitting being a wonderful grandmother.I related to what many of you said too, in fact all of you in some small way - the ordeal of children's parties, the criticism of parenting, being treated like a child, or like a person that cannot be trusted to manage, the honesty it takes to admit that you function better away, either by death or distance, from these people that you love but that are not actually very helpful to your life in some ways.
By admitting the state I was in I felt like I took some power back, if that makes sense. It was like - I am real, what I am feeling is real, its not some shameful, out of control state that I have to try and hide because they are so intolerant. And the thing was that the anx level went down. I slept fine which is always a good indication that I am pretty settled inside.
There is just so much I could say about this whole subject of what family evokes in us. I have been soul searching for so long, but there seems to be a dawning sense now in my 40s that I have never had before that I do not have to be defined by what my family think. Also an awareness of just how much I have carried the feeling of disapproval, criticism, lack of belief in me.
I think there is a climate of anxiety in my family actually. But I probably express it in the most flamboyant way. Because I express anxiety in a theatrical way, I've always felt ashamed of my expressive personality. But in fact this is such a shame. I know that part of this personality style might be to be neurotic, but I can also be very funny, warm and honest. Its so important to know that anxiety is not all we are, but that some families just cant seem to appreciate us as whole, complex, multifaceted people.
Thank you again all of you.
Just by your replies you are asserting another reality - I hope you will all write some more.:hugs: :hugs:
Famlies equal stress. They think they know us but only on the surface. I find that xmas is the most stressfull time as I am forced to be with my family. I love my family individually but put them together competing for air time and pow. I want to hide.
I find them hopeless at giving constructive advice and the reason is....they are out of the same genetic pot....you need someone to talk to who is opposite in personality traits to you...someone who wont be emotionally involved.
Mee
Paddington
31-01-08, 09:46
wow monique what a brilliant thread..you could be talkin about me!!I too am labelled the drama queen..the oversensative one..i too am flambouyant and funny etc..have strangers in fits of laughter in shops sometimes..but..it is all a need for approval i think..yes it seems to have become an inherent part of my personality ..lord knows how as i was painfully shy as a child..that irritated people to the max too:wacko: It as taken me till now[ 53 next tuesday ]to come to the same realisation as you..i dont need my families' approval..they are no better than me ..i am not the joker in the pack..i am more caring and more sincere than most of them!..I have had itwith the the cruelty from my Mother ..horrid verbal taunts..no way to treat your child..my siblings are no better.So now the hard part..dis-engaging fom them!!It is such a hard habit to break i think.But i am trying not to let all their negative remarks make me cry..scream..punch myself ..all the usual nasties that go with a feeling of despair and being misunderstood.Monique ..i salute you..you are a wonderful person in your own right :yahoo: This thread will help many people open their hearts to this problem many of us have with our families..thank you.Love Paddie.xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
what a great thread!!!
and so true that it a hard lesson to learn that one does not have to be defined by one's family. I have fought against this all my life, and I must say it is pretty tiring as no matter what I do, I never measure up and satisfy their ideals... so stuff them!!!!! :sign20:
seriously, I think a lot of my anxiety is caused by the way I was brought up, I was never brought up to feel secure in myself so even now in my 40's I don't. Many of life's experiences could be made easier if a person was brought up to feel secure in themselves, for those that weren't I thinnk we pay the price of bad parenting. Not deliberatley bad, but just, mis-guided I think.. people do the best they can and base their reactions on how they brought up, so someone somewhere has to break the cycle of abuse, and I have been trying to do that all my life, and it is the reason I have never wanted children, I would not want them to feel as inadequate as me
Yes Mee, agree with what you said. Its how to live without their understanding and support but still enjoy the positives. The specific things that bind us emotionally in negative and positive ways to our families are unique to each person too.
Today I was in the mall, thought I might get a pair of red shoes if I could find a nice pair at a reasonable price. I realised I was getting more and more anxious. Whats going on, I thought. Am I always this anxious in the mall and only just starting to become aware of it? Yes I think thats probably true. Its because there are so many things there tempting me to buy. And this sets off an anxiety, dating back to family, that I am greedy. So I feel guilty and anxious for being tempted. And on top of that there's the guilt about consumerism and what its doing to the environment. But the difference between the two is that the first is about lack of self-worth, feeling un-entitled to have things I desire. But the second is actually legitimate - I do feel a strong need to fight against consumerism.
I've been noticing how my anxiety builds at work too. Usually triggered by reading into others behaviour that they dont have much respect for me. This Then the gnawing thing happens. May be I'm not worthy of respect. May be they can see something, something low, pathetic. Paranoia follows. But up till now I've been triggered and then reacted without even noticing it - so conditioned by the disparaging family environment. Now I'm starting to notice - here is anxiety again. What do I think is happening? So and so thinks I am silly, a nuisance, flaky, impotent, over emotional etc. Well, lets have a look at that a bit more calmly. Did I behave in that way? A little bit? Not at all? It feels like a same and healthy change to be asking these questions.
Monique,
I really relate to your post. I too am an adult and am married, have my own hom etc. but have GAD and panic. I was doing very well till I went home over the holidays - as soon as I was around family I felt 8 years old. I started not sleeping, being anxious and having panics. It is now one month after I've come home and I am still in panic - that is how much it effected me.
Hello fellow drama queens! I thought you might find my account of Christmas day a couple of years ago entertaining from the point of view of the tragic comedy of anxiety. I have written a bunch of these black humour accounts of family life. At the time they were a good tension relief, even if they did not solve the problems. I know we do have to seriously address our anxiety cause its so bloody debilitating to life. But its good to have a laugh along the way too.:weep: :D
Christmas
At 5.30 on Christmas morning I was still awake, having tried to lie still, then pacing the floors in the dark, then meditating. Finally while curled up under Eva’s baby blankets on the couch, the sound of birdsong penetrated my crazed brain. It brought both relief and the stark reality that I would now have to coordinate Christmas dinner for 15 people, having had no sleep. I crept into our bedroom at dawn. My husband was still peacefully asleep, no hint of the after-effects of the argument that had stolen my night on his face. I crept to the wardrobe and grabbed a grubby teeshirt and his old shorts to cover myself. I stepped into the waking world. The sun was just coming up through the trees, lighting up the neighbourhood almost eerily at this unfamiliar time of day. I walked down the bush track and into the street below. Then I got frightened. What if there was a murderer stalking the streets, one who had a particular urge to kill on Christmas day? I pounded back up the steep track, feeling the exertion release some of the shards of adrenalin stored in my organs and muscles.
I had already filled tins with Christmas pies, rum balls, fudge and shortbread. The turkey was de-frosting, the presents all wrapped and piled under the tree. The house was tidy. The extended family plus waifs and strays had all been given precise instructions. They knew how many potatoes to bring, how many carrots, where to buy Brussels sprouts and how to cook all these separately from the meat so the vegetarians could eat the meal. There was nothing to do except preserve the iota of energy I still possessed to be excited with the children. Luckily when John awoke and found me on the deck at 6.15, even he believed that things had gone further than histrionics (which are to be dismissed) and were now at a point where compassion was in order. He held me in his arms while tears leaked sideways down my face until I went to sleep for a couple of hours.
Everything went according to plan, even the serving of the dinner. The adults exclaimed with genuine pleasure over their presents. The children were overwhelmed by theirs to the point of silence. A tumult of crinkly paper and ribbons covered the living room briefly before efficient aunties tidied it away.
Then while we were digesting the rum truffles, fudge and Christmas mince pies, Byron (14) playfully picked up Sylvie (11), tried to sling her over his shoulder and fell backwards on top of her, landing on her face with the full weight of his 80 plus kilos.
“Jesus Christ”, I yelled into the horrified slow motion silence .The unspoken question hung in the air “Did he break her neck?”.
Tension, hovering, bleeding, some ran away, some blamed silently, some felt defensive. Sylvie and I piled into the car with one of the aunties to go to And E. Pantaj, our young Indian friend who we had invited to experience his first Western style Christmas came along as well.
The next two hours were spent at the hospital waiting. There were vomiting babies, half asleep and half drunk citizens with unidentifiable pathologies and then a dramatic entrance by a guilty, frightened young man carrying a hyperventilating young woman. Luckily my squashed ten year old had begun to perk up, and was duly declared after midnight, to be probably OK.
But the dramas were not over yet. We arrived home to find my father in an advanced state of despair. He had spent several hours hunting for a knife missing from the extra cutlery he and my mother had brought into town. The fact that this knife was missing confirmed all his worst predictions about life in general. Gesturing in a way that suggested complete hopelessness and utter frustration he said “This is what I said would happen and look, it did”. I bundled him into the car with my mother and the food scraps for their dogs, hoping that he was capable of driving. Of course I found the knife minutes after waking the next morning. It was in the container it had been brought in. Boxing day was spent lying on the bed, eating almost without stopping and bliss, reading a light novel by Joy Cowley.
Its me again. I'm so sick of being neurotic today. I so much want to be a force for good in this world. Clearly the world needs people who have energy to help fight against all the wrong things that are happening. Violence, poverty, environmental destruction etc, etc.
I'm so bored and frustrated with my worrying about myself, whether I am good enough, have done well enough, feeling inadequate around those that seem more dynamic and successful than myself.
When I was a child, my family environment was scary. It felt loveless, full of anger, judgement and criticism. I discovered very early on that I was a good artist and storyteller. I spent hour upon hour drawing pictures of girls I wanted to be and spent hours and hours telling myself stories about alternate lives. I developed a fantasy that if I could only be a really successful artist and writer I would vanquish the demons of hopelessness.
But the thing is that I have not become a successful artist and writer. I feel so, so pressured inside to live up to this early promise, the promise that I thought would convince the world that I was not the frightened little girl, disparaged, dismissed feeling herself unentitled even to exist. But rather a creative force, bringing some joy, relief, beauty to the world.
I'm squirming inside with shame for admitting the level of my desperation. I don't know how to reframe this. The therapy approach to getting to the root of anxiety and phobia is to look for the wrongness of the underlying ideas that cause it isn't it? Then to patiently practice other ways of looking at things. I just want to be free, free of self-doubt.
I think thats probably true. Its because there are so many things there tempting me to buy. And this sets off an anxiety, dating back to family, that I am greedy. So I feel guilty and anxious for being tempted. And on top of that there's the guilt about consumerism and what its doing to the environment. But the difference between the two is that the first is about lack of self-worth, feeling un-entitled to have things I desire. But the second is actually legitimate - I do feel a strong need to fight against consumerism.
I've been noticing how my anxiety builds at work too. Usually triggered by reading into others behaviour that they dont have much respect for me. This Then the gnawing thing happens. May be I'm not worthy of respect. May be they can see something, something low, pathetic. Paranoia follows. But up till now I've been triggered and then reacted without even noticing it - so conditioned by the disparaging family environment. Now I'm starting to notice - here is anxiety again. What do I think is happening? So and so thinks I am silly, a nuisance, flaky, impotent, over emotional etc. Well, lets have a look at that a bit more calmly. Did I behave in that way? A little bit? Not at all? It feels like a same and healthy change to be asking these questions.
Monique, I think you are over complicating every process. If you simplify each response, the time in the mall, when you are excited to buy things you trigger a number of automated thoughts which simply cause a rush of anxiety as you are sensitive to anything stimulating.
I thin with the work thing you suffer a little social anxiety and low self worth, this also triggers the automated thoughts which trigger the adrenalin rush again.
What we all need to do is break the cognative cycle, either work on the automated thoughts by listening and analysing the thought process then challenge those assumptions. E.g. helen is looking at my hair style and thinks it looks silly. This could be Helen is looking at my hair and does not have the confidence to ask me where I had it done. This is a long process and needs a bit of work.
The other is to change the adrenalin response, this can be done by doing relaxation exercises regular and doing these especially before a possible stimulating event. Lowering the overall anxiety level is like removing water from a bath thats almost full, a little extra excitement and the anxiety level causes a flood.
I have similar triggers. I hate malls and shops etc.. when I have to go I rush the process which causes my anxiety level to shoot up. If I find a shop that has too much chioce and I cant make up my mind, I get annoyed and so my anxiety level again rises.
I used to love a good horror flick but now I find the stimulation too much and it brings on uncomfortable anxiety symptoms. I have to say I could over analyse this by saying that the film reminds me of my own problems or that I have a horror film phobia which was caused my my piers running around the room in haloween costumes when I was 12 weeks old. This over analysis causes the anxiety to go up without anything else.
Do you see my point.
Go out buy one set of shoes, buy the second set of shoes the next day. Think about what you are going to eat for lunch the next day and how and concentrate on this while going through the process of buying and you will find it far too easy as you have focused on something else. Just dont run up a debt as this will cause over stimulation also.
:D
Take care
Mee
These processes also happen in "normal"people, the only problem with us is that before we do these tasks we are already overstimulated and the bath is almost over flowing.
Hi Mee,
Didn't realise you were a bloke until I looked at the members list!
Good points. Overcomplicated, over-analytical - yes that can be me at times. But do you anxiety as simply coming from over-stimulation? I do think there is some point in trying to understand why and what and who and where the thought patterns come from. Thats what I was trying to describe in my post about the shopping and the work. But yes, it can lead to analysis paralysis and more anxiety if you are already prone to it.
Just trying to understand what you are saying a bit more clearly.:unsure: Are you saying that "normal" people suffer insecurity, paranoia and temptation as well but that they can process these feelings more calmly. But that sensitive people find it more difficult to sort out their responses to things because they are already at a high level of arousal from other things?
Have you done CBT?
I'm just about to teach a course on Horror Films! Lucky they're not a trigger for me.
Thanks for your thoughts:)
Hi Monique
I dont know about sensitive people, I believe you learn very quickly a response to stimuli. Once your mind hhas experienced a over stimulated state you become sensitized as you develop fear of fear. Instead of the original stimulus that caused the fear in the first place being the trigger it becomes the feelings that were created because of the stimuli that become the focus of our fear. Hence you have a fear of fear cycle which is self perpetuating. When you fear the fear then you are naturally in a very aroused state and normal everyday stressors tip us over the edge and create our fear symptoms which snowballs the overall problem. It is very similar to acoustic feedback, when a microphone is plugged in to an amplifier and the amplifier amplifys the sound and plays it out of the loud speakers, when you place the micophone too close to the loudspeakers the sound the loudspeakers create is fed back to the micophone and amplified and sent out to the loud speakers and then to the microphone and the infinite feedback loop is created and the sound that comes out of the loudspeakers becomes unbearable until someone breaks the cycle by either moving the microphone away from the loud speakers or turning down the volume . If you are scared beyond belief by life threatning symptoms you will do all in your power to avoid those feelings but if these symptoms are created by the mind then the fear of them reappearing will self perpetuate them putting us in a aroused state and any slight embarrasment etc will make you feel the symptoms again and again.
Hope this makes my therory as clear as mud:blush: ?
No not had CBT yet. Why do you ask?
Mee
Hi Mee, just thought that what you were saying sounded a bit like CBT, from the little I know about it.
I understand exactly what you meant now, thanks.
Is "clear as mud" an English expression? Its a bit too subtle for old kiwi girl here to understand.
Mon
I think that not only do we amp up our own fear by this feedback thing. Mee gave a great image with the amplifier and mike. Makes me think about Jimi Hendrix!
But people amp up each others fear too. Some people react badly (get intolerant, impatient, overly advice giving etc) to others anxiety because it triggers their own. Then all this fear bounces around. The whole drama queen label that I started this thread with is just that. My whole family is fearful. Its just that no one wants to admit it. Its easy just to scapegoat one person as the drama queen. The term "drama queen" basically means someone who makes a fuss about nothing. Its very dismissive.
Its really easy to mis-read anxiety as aggression too, especially if you are anxious and insecure yourself. I spent my childhood thinking my father was angry because he was gruff, withdrawn, often snappy, controlling. But anxiety can make you all those things too. If I think that anxiety is making me behave like that now, I always try to reassure my own kids that I'm feeling stressed, not angry with them. So far I dont think they show they same hypersensitivity to fear that I have.
I do believe that the loop is being broken, but it takes a lot of hard work.
:hugs: :hugs: :hugs: to all you special people who come to this forum. It takes a LOT of courage and honesty to even admit you have a problem.
Those people who already posted on this thread (or anyone new) can I ask you - next time you become aware that it is a message from your family that has triggered your anx, come on-line here. Tell us about it in as much detail as you feel comfortable, and tell us why it is WRONG. Tell us what IS real to you.
Several of you already spoke about the need to become your own person and challenge messages you received from your background. Its pretty amazing to think there are thousands of people from all over the world reading the threads of this forum - about 200 have read this thread alone and they all support us in overcoming the things that cause us so much unecessary suffering.
Right now, I have a message going that its too bossy to be making this suggestion, that people reading it will think I'm too pushy. This makes me feel :scared15: (anx). But this is what I think IS real. Some people might think its too pushy. Well they can choose not to contribute, or they can post that they think its inappropriate. Thats OK, not everyone has to agree. But some people might think its a good idea too.
:hugs:
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