Please help, associating panic with a relationship...

[missy_c]

Hi All. This post is kind of related to a previous one I posted (well I did mention briefly that my panic attacks had come back). I have been suffering from panic attacks since I was about 11, on and off over the years. Last Spetember they came back, and I associated them with food, so every food situation I came across I would start to panic. I was put back on Citalopram, but these didn’t help, and I started to get depressed again. In the February (2007) my partner of four years then split with me, which triggered a breakdown in which I would be panicky, very depressed and I was eventually admitted to a psychiatric unit for two weeks. Things had been getting better and better since returning to work and I really felt like I was getting my life back on track. I had even found the most wonderful fella who I fell for…until…

Two weeks ago I had a big panic attack. In my head swirling around was the thought “what if I don’t want to be with my new fella anymore”. Very irrational as I know that only a few days previous I was mad about him, but somehow I associated the panic attack with this fear. I gave in and took half of a diazepam to calm myself down as it was one of the worst I’d had in a long while, and when I had calmed down I was able to cuddle with the fella in bed and was telling myself how stupid I was for thinking like that. The thing is, since then thinking about that issue and/or the panic attacks can set me off quite easily. I know that before I have associated them with food, visiting one particular friend etc, but this fear of “maybe not wanting to be with someone” is starting to make me pull away from the relationship and start to avoid staying over at his etc. Its driving me mad, as he’s such a nice guy, and I was so happy up until these started again. I’m staring to go off my food now as well, and my psychiatrist has just prescribed more diazepam, but I can’t rely on these every time I feel panicky, nor can I take one before going to his house “just in case”. It may sound so irrational, and I know that it is, but its starting to make me question what really is going on. I just want to be “normal” and be able to hang out with him and chill etc without these feelings and just take it as it comes, but I feel immense pressure now with regards to the whole situation. I try to rationalise that “it’s just because my being dumped resulted in a breakdown” hence I must be worried in case the same happens again, or, “that’s what I thought when I had the first panic” so I’m associating it for subsequent attacks. I have been fine since that big one, then I’ll be bad again, and its just taking over. I fear having another attack, so I fear the “reason” behind the last, so try to avoid the situations. I really don’t want to hurt this guy as he is awesome, but its like my head won’t let me just get on with things.

I’m so sorry for the rant, but I’m just at a complete loss as to what to do. I have thought “finish the relationship” – that way I would be taking the pressure off myself and can get better, but then I know that I’ll just panic about something else, and you shouldn’t avoid the avoidance etc. I’m just so worried that if the thoughts continue then being with him will be unpleasant as the thoughts will circulate and take over and in that way the relationship would end because my brain feels like its going mad!! Aaaaargh!!

Any advice would be greatly appreciated, I really feel like I’m on the cusp of suffering yet another bout of severe depression just because of one thought which I have attributed to a panic attack and have let take over my mind. Sorry again for the lengthy post...

[SammiB]

Hi, i know exactly how you feel, my relationships haven't been easy. and i then finally found a guy who was lovely, my panic started after 10 months together and i have tried to end the relatationship many times. i feel as if he shouldnt be punished for something thats wrong with me, but i always talk to him about it when i'm feeling bad, that i'm having irrational thoughts. and just talking about it helps relieve the thoughts. we've been together now for just over a year and a half and it gets easier, my advice would just be honest and don't avoid what could be something great.

xx

[missy_c]

Thank you so much for that, I really appreciate it. Is/was your panic triggered by thoughts of the relationship/that person? I’ve been with my fella a few months now, and in a way am lucky that he has suffered from panic attacks in the past so he is very understanding. I have skirted around the exact cause (just told him it was probably due to a bad relationship experience in the past – as he knows about my breakdown etc – but haven’t said “yes, every time I start thinking of you I get a bit panicky”). I just wonder how I can get the preoccupation with the thoughts out of my head so I can continue as normal!! Did you find that anything helped?

[SammiB]

I haven't really found anything that helps make the thoughts disappear, just have to ignore them really and keep trying to distract with anything. i found that what triggers my worries, is the thought of maybe losing them anyway so i figure whats the point. and its more my own thinking that leads to worse thoughts i just try so hard to get back to what i know is real that i love him and if i just calm down and let it go then it will all be fine.
xx

[frank]

I am about to be married and the same thing happened to me. I've met a lovely woman who is kind and caring but I analyse the situation so much and because she is not perfect i panic that its not going to work out. I then get irritable with her because of this. I've learned tov talk to her about these things and the amazing thing is she is so understanding. I've thrown everything at her and she is cool with it. She wants to learn more about me and herself in all this. Trouble is this week I've gone on citalopram and its increased my anxiety becuase of the side effects. I think these will die down though

[doglover]

Hi
I think you should be totally honest with your partner about what you think is causing the attacks which will take some of the pressure off and may help reduce the anxiety. If your partner has suffered panic attacks himself he will understand how irrational they are. Dont give up on the relationship if its all going well otherwise.
Good luck
Donna

[missy_c]

Thanks guys/gals. It helps to know you're not alone!! Also Frank, I took Citalopram a few years back for anxiety/panic attacks, and for the first few weeks it does get a bit worse, but it should start subsiding within about two weeks of taking them, its just your body adjusting to the new drug.

I'm going to try going over there tonight and see how that goes. I'm scared that my anxiety is jading my view of what is otherwise a pretty perfect relationship and I'm pretty sure if it wasn't that, I'd be focussing on something else and avoiding that too. I'm just hoping that if I keep trying to "expose" myself to what's scaring me, I might get over it. Hmm, I should never have studied psychology. Thanks again guys, and if you have any tips on getting over this issue I'd be really grateful. x

[SammiB]

i hope everything goes well for for you this evening. and if you would ever like to talk then feel free to message me at any time xx

[missy_c]

I managed to see the fella for an hour or so, and I was in such a state of panic pretty much all the time. Managed to get by on the Rescue Remedy though, and then just went straight to bed after as I was so exhausted. I didn't get a chance to explain to him as my housemate was there, but I think he realises that I need a wee bit of space to sort my head out...which is not ideal as I'd prefer not to be pandering to this and avoiding situations which will only get me more worked up when I do build the courage to go over there and to stay the night or even just hold a conversation without being a panicky fiend. I keep telling myself that maybe these will just pass with time, but they don;t seem to be, and I'm starting to get distracted by them in work. Luckily I have contacted Welfare in work and also my fella...a complete star...found a phone number for some "tackling anxiety" classes in my area so I called them too. My next psych. appointment isn't 'til the 14th Feb, and I've got everything crossed that they may have subsided by then. Thanks so much for all the advice and thoughts, I really thought I was probably the only person in the world ever to be tagging on to such an irrational thought. I'm just hoping it will go away, or i'll tag onto something which isn't going to ruin things for me...I just feel like crying!!!

[doglover]

Missy
go and have a good cry about it if you want, it can be very theraputic!
I do hope you get some help from those classes you're trying and the psychiatrist. Have you ever tried EFT techniques?
Best of luck and stay positive. It may take some time but you can sort this out
Donna :hugs:

[missy_c]

I have read about it today on another thread that is slightly related...and I'm going to give it a bash!!! I called the fella this evening, and although felt a bit panicky at first, calmed down loads and realised how much I wanted to be with him for a hug. I then thought afterwards, see...you can do it and not feel panicky, but then know that I can be rational sometimes and then totally not the next! I'm staying over at his tomorrow, which will be cool if I can do it without relying on any diazepam etc...mmm, we'll see!! Thanks so much everyone. This site is fab, in many many ways.