missy_c
28-01-08, 12:33
Hi All. This post is kind of related to a previous one I posted (well I did mention briefly that my panic attacks had come back). I have been suffering from panic attacks since I was about 11, on and off over the years. Last Spetember they came back, and I associated them with food, so every food situation I came across I would start to panic. I was put back on Citalopram, but these didn’t help, and I started to get depressed again. In the February (2007) my partner of four years then split with me, which triggered a breakdown in which I would be panicky, very depressed and I was eventually admitted to a psychiatric unit for two weeks. Things had been getting better and better since returning to work and I really felt like I was getting my life back on track. I had even found the most wonderful fella who I fell for…until…
Two weeks ago I had a big panic attack. In my head swirling around was the thought “what if I don’t want to be with my new fella anymore”. Very irrational as I know that only a few days previous I was mad about him, but somehow I associated the panic attack with this fear. I gave in and took half of a diazepam to calm myself down as it was one of the worst I’d had in a long while, and when I had calmed down I was able to cuddle with the fella in bed and was telling myself how stupid I was for thinking like that. The thing is, since then thinking about that issue and/or the panic attacks can set me off quite easily. I know that before I have associated them with food, visiting one particular friend etc, but this fear of “maybe not wanting to be with someone” is starting to make me pull away from the relationship and start to avoid staying over at his etc. Its driving me mad, as he’s such a nice guy, and I was so happy up until these started again. I’m staring to go off my food now as well, and my psychiatrist has just prescribed more diazepam, but I can’t rely on these every time I feel panicky, nor can I take one before going to his house “just in case”. It may sound so irrational, and I know that it is, but its starting to make me question what really is going on. I just want to be “normal” and be able to hang out with him and chill etc without these feelings and just take it as it comes, but I feel immense pressure now with regards to the whole situation. I try to rationalise that “it’s just because my being dumped resulted in a breakdown” hence I must be worried in case the same happens again, or, “that’s what I thought when I had the first panic” so I’m associating it for subsequent attacks. I have been fine since that big one, then I’ll be bad again, and its just taking over. I fear having another attack, so I fear the “reason” behind the last, so try to avoid the situations. I really don’t want to hurt this guy as he is awesome, but its like my head won’t let me just get on with things.
I’m so sorry for the rant, but I’m just at a complete loss as to what to do. I have thought “finish the relationship” – that way I would be taking the pressure off myself and can get better, but then I know that I’ll just panic about something else, and you shouldn’t avoid the avoidance etc. I’m just so worried that if the thoughts continue then being with him will be unpleasant as the thoughts will circulate and take over and in that way the relationship would end because my brain feels like its going mad!! Aaaaargh!!
Any advice would be greatly appreciated, I really feel like I’m on the cusp of suffering yet another bout of severe depression just because of one thought which I have attributed to a panic attack and have let take over my mind. Sorry again for the lengthy post...
Two weeks ago I had a big panic attack. In my head swirling around was the thought “what if I don’t want to be with my new fella anymore”. Very irrational as I know that only a few days previous I was mad about him, but somehow I associated the panic attack with this fear. I gave in and took half of a diazepam to calm myself down as it was one of the worst I’d had in a long while, and when I had calmed down I was able to cuddle with the fella in bed and was telling myself how stupid I was for thinking like that. The thing is, since then thinking about that issue and/or the panic attacks can set me off quite easily. I know that before I have associated them with food, visiting one particular friend etc, but this fear of “maybe not wanting to be with someone” is starting to make me pull away from the relationship and start to avoid staying over at his etc. Its driving me mad, as he’s such a nice guy, and I was so happy up until these started again. I’m staring to go off my food now as well, and my psychiatrist has just prescribed more diazepam, but I can’t rely on these every time I feel panicky, nor can I take one before going to his house “just in case”. It may sound so irrational, and I know that it is, but its starting to make me question what really is going on. I just want to be “normal” and be able to hang out with him and chill etc without these feelings and just take it as it comes, but I feel immense pressure now with regards to the whole situation. I try to rationalise that “it’s just because my being dumped resulted in a breakdown” hence I must be worried in case the same happens again, or, “that’s what I thought when I had the first panic” so I’m associating it for subsequent attacks. I have been fine since that big one, then I’ll be bad again, and its just taking over. I fear having another attack, so I fear the “reason” behind the last, so try to avoid the situations. I really don’t want to hurt this guy as he is awesome, but its like my head won’t let me just get on with things.
I’m so sorry for the rant, but I’m just at a complete loss as to what to do. I have thought “finish the relationship” – that way I would be taking the pressure off myself and can get better, but then I know that I’ll just panic about something else, and you shouldn’t avoid the avoidance etc. I’m just so worried that if the thoughts continue then being with him will be unpleasant as the thoughts will circulate and take over and in that way the relationship would end because my brain feels like its going mad!! Aaaaargh!!
Any advice would be greatly appreciated, I really feel like I’m on the cusp of suffering yet another bout of severe depression just because of one thought which I have attributed to a panic attack and have let take over my mind. Sorry again for the lengthy post...