I thought I was cured .... Now I feel so worthless

[sarajane]

Hi, I really thought I was better and was never going to feel like this again. I’ve had 6 fairly good weeks.
Then – Whamo…… I have this enormous emotional fall and I’m back where I started.
I wasn't even going to go public on this forum with this, because I have been feeling so well lately and I've even been offering suggestions to other people on here, so for me to tell you all, would only confirm my personal feelings of worthlessness and failure.
Going public is new to me, but I'm at the stage in my life that I will try anything.
So here goes . . .
These feelings started last Monday and have been intensifying since then. Firstly I woke up with a panic attack (Heart attack feelings) I knew what it was, but after it subsided I felt very tired and washed out. I called into work sick and spent most of the day sleeping. I talked to a few people on NMP and their advice and empathy got me to work on Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday. (Big hugs to you guys – you know who you are) Then Friday morning at work I lasted 1/2 hour and came home in tears. My emotions were so raw I just had to get out of there and back to my safety zone - my home.
Thank God we had a long w/end here, so I've had 4 days to get 'myself together’.
Then I woke up this morning and just didn't want to get out of bed, it was all too hard. I didn't even call in-sick at work. I just couldn't be bothered. I really can't be bothered doing anything at all. Everything is just too hard.
I don't care anymore what people say about me, they call me an emotional freak anyway so I just don’t care anymore - I've never known anyone else that had long term depression and anxiety until I joined NMP, so every time people have told me to 'get over it' etc its just reinforced my thoughts of being a freak and an emotional idiot.
I've always believed there was something really wrong with me because everyone else seems to be able to just 'get on with life' and pick themselves up, and just keep going with everything that life throws at them.
The funny thing is I can handle normal everyday dramas like a flat tyre, stolen mobile etc. It's just that I am very emotional, and I get easily upset when criticized, rejected or let down by people. Then I get very emotional and deeply depressed because of my own beliefs that these people are right. All I want to do is hide away and never come out.
I’m a complete failure because I continue to let my kids down, I continually let work down. I seem to be always letting someone down. I feel completely totally useless and worthless and a total waste of space. Why can’t I just ‘get on with it’ like normal people do?
I don’t know how to change these thoughts about myself, when I continue to behave just the way people expect me to act. When I was a little kid and right through my entire life I have never been able to voice an opinion of my own, to my parents or other people, because they are right and I am wrong. If I ever did voice my own opinion I was always ridiculed, so I just stopped doing it.
I constantly tell myself that I am not these things, but after been told my entire life that I am a useless stupid waste of space etc, I’m finding it hard to believe anything else. So when I feel like I do now, it just reinforces what I think everyone is saying about me, that I am a total waste of space.
I just can’t take this anymore, I want to feel worthy and needed, and that my opinion matters. But when I get rejected or criticised I lose the plot and just want to hide away forever. Please help – I know there are other people on here that feel like I do, I just need some help and support. I’ve tried being tough and to just ‘let it go’ but nothing I do seems to help. I am on meds for depression, anxiety, and ADHA, so I’m covered in the med department. I just need to know how to erase my brain and to wake up with a normal one.
Sorry for raving on. SJ

[Lilith1980]

:hugs: SaraJane:hugs:

I'm sorry to hear you are feeling so low.

Before I say anything else, you are not a waste of space. I know you think you are and this is a hard belief to shake if you have thought it since you were young. I have a low opinion of myself and think myself worthless due to various events in my life. But there are always things which can prove us wrong:-

You made it into work on the Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday - that is an amazing achievement given how low you were feeling. That doesnt make you a waste of space it makes you an extremely strong person :yesyes:

You have two children who you are bringing up - someone who is a waste of space could not manage to do this hun. Bringing up children is a lot of hard work and not easy - someone who was useless could not do it.

These people who say you are an emotional freak are not worth listening to. They do not understand the condition and so they come out with ignorant remarks. I know its hard but you have try and let words like that wash over you because people who do not know the full story, cannot have an informed opinion :shades:

Are you having counselling/any form of therapy hun? You say you have meds but it sounds like you also really need to talk to someone about how you feel, so that you can unravel the feelings from the past and get things off your chest. Its no wonder you get upset when you are faced with criticism when you have been told for years that your opinion doesnt count.

I have had good periods and then all of a sudden something has triggered me off. Have you been faced with stress that has built up lately, as that is what normally triggers me. I push feelings deep down inside me and the slightest thing will make me explode.

Sending you hugs, hope you feel better soon :hugs:

xxxxx

[NewDawnFades]

Dear Sara,

Hi, I am deeply sorry that you are struggling so much. I'm right there with you, just as others here as well. I will start by sending many hugs and support to you.

I have to tell you that I really related a lot to being considered an emotional freak, and that "I just need to get over it". These are the comments from those who don't have a damn clue as to the "hell" that we deal with. It is the mantra of small minds and uncaring hearts. If they only knew how hard it is to battle with these feelings, I know that those comments would change immediately. There is no validity or basis for such judgmental words.

There is no benefit in feeling as though you are not worthy or that your opinion does not matter. My proof is the fact that many us here, who are in this forum, have the privilege of being able to read the solid advice and support that you offer to others in need. I would invite you to go back and look at your postings, and you will see what I am talking about. Not only that, look at the responses. You can't tell me that you are not worthy or that your opinion doesn't matter, because I have overwhelming proof as to the opposite.

I wish that I could offer a "magic" cure from these feelings, but I can't. What I can offer though, is the example above, and the fact that you deserve great credit for helping others while you are struggling yourself. If this doesn't describe a caring and smart person, then I guess that I don't know what the definition for those two adjectives are.

I know it's tough right now, and the whole purpose of this reply is to offer a rope for us to help pull each other out of a hole when one of us fall in. So, now that you have the rope, it's time to start making our way out of the hole, and get walking again...

I hope that you will feel better soon and never forget how important you are to us.

Sincerely,

David (NewDawnFades)

[fifi]

I read your post and identified so much with what you were saying. You are not alone and actually need to be a lot kinder to yourself. If all you've ever had are negative messages about yourself throughout your life, how can you honestly expect to feel good about who you are. Like you every time something went wrong in my life and with my family I would blame myself, feel worthless, take all the responsibility, drop into a depression and then further use this as a stick to beat myself. Although on the outside I seemed like I was coping, inside I felt totally hopeless and different to everybody else, wondered why I struggled like I did. I am only just beginning now to be kinder to me, and see that actually these opinions and beliefs about myself where formed from a very young age over circumstances of which I had no control over. This has helped me to ease up on myself. During one of my lowest periods, I bought a book on low self esteem with CBT exercises in it. Just reading the first few chapters bought tremendous relief, just to see that actually I had every right to feel as i did, given the life experiences that I had gone through and I could see that all I ever saw was the negative in myself and would screen out any positive or over look it. It hasn't been easy, there are days when it is very hard to find a positive alternative, but with perseverance I feel that I am slowly getting there.

You are doing a tremendous job, raising your family, working and even joining this site is such a positive step. I so feel for you today and know the misery you're going through but it will get better and believe me we've all been there.

Fifi

[chalky]

Hi Sarajane,

You are an amazing person!!!
:hugs: :hugs: :hugs: :hugs: :hugs: :hugs: :hugs:
In spite of your health problems,you are a full-time parent and also hold down a job.You have shown yourself to be very caring and supportive in your posts on the Forum.
Where would the Forum be without people such as you here?
My doctor did tell me that the road to recovery would be bumpy with some setbacks along the way.When you think about your current difficulties-one bad week out of seven- as opposed to life prior to that,maybe this is just one of those blips.
Try to keep things simple for a while.No rushng around.Sleep ,eat and try to chill first and foremost.
This will pass.
Best wishes,
Chalky

[sarajane]

Thank you all so much. xxxxx
You are all so absolutely fantastic, thank you all for your heart felt inspirational posts. I do have a long way to go but I believe if I hadn't meet all of the beautiful people that are part of the NMP family I probably would have kept sinking further and further down. Thank you all for reminding me that yes, I have come a long way and this is only one small blimp on my road to recovery. I thank you all so very much. Huge hugs and love to you all.
SJ