View Full Version : My darkest place and biggest challenge.
Well, I thought I'd spawn a new thread from recent events that have taken me to a very dark place.
Basically I ended up in hospital in intensive care for a few days after a big OD. It's a difficult subject to talk about and also to understand myself. I'll try not to be melodramatic nor upset or trigger people. Perhaps something good can come from it for some other person at least by hearing about my experience.
As I sit here starting to type this, I still have my hospital bracelet, and despite a shower I still smell of hospital. Various orifices of my body that shouldn't hurt do, due to various tubes being forced up them and I feel like I have been battered by a bus with bruises to show. Emotionally I am in a similar place.
I came as close to death as is possible, I went into arrest and stopped breathing. If I hadn't been found I wouldn't be here typing this now. That is a strange and upsetting thought for me and even more so for people who care about me. I feel like I want to apologise to them and myself somehow. There isn’t much that can be said though. Maybe by explaining how surviving that has made me feel it might help.
Here's something you will probably hear from someone who has been through it:
In that at that moment when I collected those pills, when I wrote that letter to my family and swallowed. I didn't want to be alive any more, I had enough and I couldn't carry on.
Now I am here, that thought still holds true to me, but I am glad I am alive.
I can’t promise people that it will never happen again or that I won’t be in that darkest of places again, because the truth is that I probably will be at some point. The important thing is that in that moment every part of me told me it was the only choice I had, but it is never a choice you should take. If you are there or have even been in that place before, please believe me.
Something that upsets me most now, is this sticker that I found stuck to my iPod that happened to be in my pocket at the time.
554
I could so easily be just another statistic and had I not come round, I would be just another number.
Now I have some difficult paths to take in my life.
I have done a lot of therapy, I understand the concepts of most types. I’ve tried a lot of different medication. I’ve even considered asking to go into psychiatric hospital. Yet still this dark cloud exists for me and it is something I have to live with. There may never be a perfect ‘cure’ for me. How am I going to live the rest of my life with this affecting me? What do I do now?
That is the most difficult thing for me to accept. It’s something I’m going to have to learn. It is going to be one of the most difficult things I think any person can ever do.
One of my support workers said this to me yesterday:
In a way you are disabled, not a nice word, but imagine it’s like you have lost a leg. You can take tablets to help your other leg work better, you can do therapy to help you use crutches and you can go into hospital to prevent you falling. But ultimately that leg isn’t there and I have to learn to live my life with all the problems that brings.
So for me, this is another start for me, where it will lead I don’t know yet. One thing for sure is it’s going to be probably the most challenging thing in my life.
Jim
I'm sorry to read this but glad your attempt failed!!!
x
I'm so pleased you got through this Jim. What's the plan going forward for you?
:hugs:
I don't know just yet, I still feel very unwell both physically and emotionally.
I am not sleeping well, and I have no energy at all. Getting up from the sofa or bed is very hard work let alone getting dressed or eating.
For now, I think my body and mind needs rest.
I have the home team coming round later to help out.
Jim :hugs:
Lilith1980
29-01-08, 10:05
Hi Jimbo
I'm sorry, I don't really have any advice to give you but I am glad you are still with us :hugs: :hugs:
xxxxx
Hi Jim,
I have not posted on your threads before but always read to see how you are doing.I'm one of those people who don't know what to say.:unsure:
From now on I'm going to post regularly to send you some hugs:hugs: :hugs: :hugs: :hugs: .
My heart goes out to you at the moment,it makes me feel so sad that you are so low.I'll keep you in my thoughts and pray that you feel better soon.Take care,you are a very special person,I wish you could see that.One day you will and I hope that day comes soon.
julie x:bighug1:
ps. Wish I could give you a real one right now.
Hi Jim
I cant pretend to have even the slightest idea of what you are going through right now but I am so glad that you didnt succeed.
I hope you find a way to use this experience to give you the strength to stay alive and find ways to make your life manageable and dare I say, enjoyable.
People can turn their lives around - I hope you are one of those that succeed in doing so
Gabby
xx
:hugs:
jimbo.
i pray so hard for you mate, that your life will get better....
....i can relate to everything you have written, i have had severe depression 3 times over the last couple of years...and i can understand what you are and have been going through.
the day will come jimbo when you start to feel better, i know youv'e heard it a thousand times, but it will come.
until then jimbo be kind to yourself mate, give yourself time
thinking of you jimbo
dawny x
Hi Jimbo,
I,too,am very glad that you are still here!!
:hugs: :hugs: :hugs: :hugs: :hugs: :hugs: :hugs: :hugs:
I cannot begin to imagine the ordeal you have experienced.
Hopefully,this can be a turning point for you.
Best wishes,
Chalky
knightbabe
29-01-08, 12:58
Hi Jim
I can't even begin to imagine what you have been through. But I glad that you are here with us. I don't always post as I am sometimes unsure of what to say.
Leigh x
JIM HUGS :hugs: :hugs: :hugs: :hugs: :hugs: :hugs: :hugs: :hugs:
SANDY
margaret911
29-01-08, 14:39
Hi Jim
So glad you are still here with us too, I suffer horrendous lows and suicidal thoughts too although I have never acted on them, I guess I am lucky in having my partner and daughter to get me through them. I always think to myself after bad follows good although when you are in the blackest cloud it feels like it won't pass but it always does mate.
Now you take care and keep posting and let us know how you are going on.
love Mags xxxxx:bighug1: :bighug1: :bighug1: :bighug1:
Thanks so much everyone. :hugs:
I'm not sure why I chose to tell this to everyone, I think it was right for me. Hopefully it will help cement what the consequences of my actions are.
I don't know how to explain how it feels. It seems surreal that it actually happened. I guess it's how you would imagine.:shrug:
I am feeling very weak still today, it's a struggle to even get up to move. I managed a shower sat in the bath last night and cleaned my teeth and put some washing in the machine today, but I'm still in bed basically as I feel so physically tired. Both emotionally and physically.
My mental state is still very low. Usually highs do follow lows for me, but I still feel very hopeless at the moment. I am still at high risk, but I have very few tablets in the house and the HTT are keeping in close contact. I've been keeping busy by writing on here mainly. I can go into hospital if I say the word, but they think I am better off at home.
Being starved of meds in hospital didn't help things. The chaos of drug treatment in a critical care makes me see what a state our NHS is in due to bureaucracy. Everyone is surprised they didn't give me any. But at least they are getting back into my system and I can feel the withdrawal easing.
I found out more info from the HTT today and the evidence left around the flat. Apparently I was in respiratory failure when they broke down my door and found me. A minute more, a traffic jam, or anything would have meant the worst. It makes me cry every time I think about how close it was. My family are distraught obviously which makes me feel even sadder.:weep:
Jim:hugs:
Southern_Belle
29-01-08, 15:39
Jim,
I also can't imagine what you must have been going through then or even today. All I can say is I'm so very glad you are still with us and please stay.
Many :hugs: ,
Laura
I am feeling a bit upset and tearful this evening.:weep:
It is setting in how this has affected everyone who knows me. My family don't know what to do, they want to come to visit but they don't want to stress me out. Some of my mates don't know because I can't tell them, they don't know about my illness. Those that I have told, all are understandably upset, some don't know what to say.
I have lost friends before from my behaviour and it is happening again now.:weep:
It's a horrible no-win situation, because I understand how they must feel, but I also need them as friends.:weep:
I only have 3-4 left friends who live near me. Some may remember when I became homeless because the couple I lived with were becoming ill themselves because of the stress of seeing my self harming and suicidal behaviour and asked me to leave. We still stay in touch as friends and they are the only people I know with a car, so although we don't see much of eachother, I occasionally ask for favours. They are not replying to my txt's.
I have a big problem in that my front door is broken and I can only bolt lock it from the inside. It was just about held shut when I got home from hospital, the key didn't work and I had to push the door through to open it and it literally swings in the wind now. I don't think I can afford to get someone out to fix it and I'm terrified of going out and leaving it open. It is dodgy in my neighbourhood and I have a lot of nickable stuff in here. I have to go out to the docs on Friday and if I can't get someone to go out and buy me a lock or something to fix it I'll have to leave it open.:wacko:
Jim :hugs:
glad you are still here with us jim
debera:bighug1: :bighug1: :bighug1: :bighug1: :bighug1:
hi jim :hugs:
well we havnt taked befor mate but i have been reading your threads to see how you have been doing and i know you have been goign through such a bad time .
i am glad that you are still alive and realy realy hope that with help from us lot and others you can start to pick yourself up from this horrid place you are in and mabe start to live life with not so many down times i will sure pray that things get better from you and i hope you take all the help you can get to make you feel better
:bighug1: :bighug1: :bighug1:
jodie xxx
Thanks so much guys, :hugs:
I am astounded at how much kindness people can give. Sometimes I wonder if it's not us that's ill it's the rest of the world that is. :winks:
Panic over about my mates with the car, they came round tonight and got me a lock and tools costing 50 squid (ouch:ohmy: ). We had a good chat and I managed a fairly good conversation with only a few tears, which has cheered me up lots. I now know that my mood is on the up again at least. I hadn't seen them in ages and they talked about an old friend of mine that has recently been diagnosed with a mood disorder too. Which is sad, but also makes me feel not so alone.
I am still struggling with this horrible paradox in my head where I remember being so clear thinking when I took those tablets that the pain that it would cause other people was outweighed by how much I didn't want to be on this earth.
Now I am here, and only by the skin of my teeth, I realise that the love for me and the waves through other people that my death would have caused is so much more important.
It is like a frightening dark chasm in my head which I cannot describe in words when I think about that, which brings tears to my eyes.
I also realise that I have drastically affected other people by what happened. Perhaps I shouldn't have told them or made this post, it has upset people. But it happened, I can't change that, I can only say sorry to those that I've hurt or affected. I accept that it will probably change the involvement of some of my friendships for those people's own health, which is a sad loss to me, but it is right.
I felt it was right for me to talk about it openly and honestly because if it helps 1 person, it was worth it.
I have been told in no uncertain terms that I will be back in that place again in future and there is little hope of meds or therapy dramatically changing these mood swings. Which is a frightening thought. But I also made a decision today that if I feel the warning signs that I am heading that way again, I will ask to be admitted to hospital for my safety. Not a pleasant experience, (I really hope it's not as bad as I imagine, profs still warn against it, I have visions of 'one flew over the kookoo's nest'!) but it has to be better than what happened to me this time.
I can only hope and wish that it's not soon. If I can work on my anxiety and other problems while I am well. Maybe these lows won't be so common.
Jim :hugs:
hiya jim
i am realy pleased you are starting to feel a little better :hugs:
mabe chatting with frends and seeing how much people care about you is helping .
i think what you have sead means a lot (ie getting help and going into hospital the next time you feel so low) i mean i have no idea what it is like in these places but hey it is better than what could happen if you didnt get the help at the time when you feel realy low .
hope you keep getting better and better :hugs:
jodie xx
Hiya
Dunno if it helps at all but I used to work in psychiatric hospitals and I dont believe they are as bad as you think - deffo not 'cuckoo's nest' standards anyway :)
There are some truly amazing professionals working in these places and you will be well looked after.
I think its a great huge step forward that you are able to see that you need more help and support when you hit those lows and even if they do nothing else, the hospital will be keeping an eye on you 24/7 to make sure you are safe.
G x
Thanks so much again,:hugs: :hugs:
It helps to know that people are willing me on, even in such terrible circumstances.
I'm still feeling very weak and physically awful. I look similar to a heroin addict with loads of bruised needle tracks and sunken eyes. I had a difficult night again sleeping. I managed about 2 blocks of 2 hours, so I got some at least which has helped.
Although I don't actually do much anyway due to my agoraphobia, it's frustrating finding it exhausting to even walk to the loo or to get a drink. Most of my fresh food in the fridge has gone out of date, so I have no milk for tea. Luckily I have some frozen bread and pasties in the freezer for emergencies like this that should keep me going for a few days. I'm hoping to make it to the docs and supermarket on Friday by foot and bus. If not I'll have to get a taxi, even tho it's just less than a mile.
My mood is definitely lifting, I feel like talking today. I think I could talk for England! But I am still a bit unstable and I almost called the home team in the night cause I was so upset about everything again. I know I'm repeating, but I am finding it hard to unravel the fact that I thought I was thinking clearly when I did it, but now it seems like the most terrible thing and it's clear I wasn't. I am also upset by everyone, everyone is great and are texting me and asking me how I'm doing etc. But I also a remember how much hurt I have caused which makes me cry and hurt so much.:weep:
One thing that is disturbing me is now I've decided that I must do more to keep myself safe by going into hospital when needed. How will I decide when I should? I'm thinking that even if I had known what the outcome would be before this incident would I have actually asked? Also when I have a down time, I can't often tell how low it's going to go. I don't want to go in unless it is necessary, but I also don't want to leave it too late. There was definitely a point where I passed a point of no return, when someone suggested flushing my tablets but I wouldn't do it. Reading back through my posts, I did start talking very dark things and trying to justify those thoughts but even then I didn't know it would end with this. Even though I am better at recognising where my mood is going, it is not obvious when things are heading for rock bottom. I started my last thread when I felt things were going down on 6th Jan. If I had admitted myself then, I would have gone through some ups and downs and been in hospital for a month to have prevented this. So I am worried and confused as to what to do.:shrug:
I had the longest and weirdest dreams in the night with lots of strange symbolism, I might revive the dreams thread in Misc and ramble about it to relieve the boredom for a bit later.
Back to the sofa for a bit, my computer chair is not comfy and I need to rest cause I start to ache, ... sigh.
Jim :hugs:
Lilith1980
30-01-08, 10:14
Hi Jim
Good to hear you are feeling more talkative :)
Is there a pattern to these feelings have you noticed? Is there any way you can perhaps be more mindful of them so that if you start to, say, talk about dark things, then maybe that's a sign that you should be careful, or go to hospital?
Are you worried about wasting their time? Because they are there for you and its better that you go and be safe rather than take the risk.
Look after yourself Jim :hugs:
xxxxx
Jim,
Would You Mind If I Pm You.....its Not A Problem If You Rather I Didn't.....
Dawny
:hugs:
Lilith,
There isn't very much pattern, before I was on mood stabilisers things were very erratic, changing on a weekly basis. Things seem to have slowed down a lot since and there might be a pattern emerging but that could perhaps be coincidence. It's too early to tell, I only started them mid October.
The last full cycle seems about 2 months. During November / early December things were bad. Late December was definitely 'High', things started to turn down at the beginning of January and now things are bad but on the turn up again.
So I would predict that mid to late February things should be at their best, but then things will turn and late March / beginning of April things will be bad again. However, I seriously doubt things will work out that way.:shrug:
There are blips in between which could be attributed to stress and normal life, money, good things happening, etc. My anxiety often sets me off after a particularly difficult time and if I have a big success it gives me a boost. I guess that is natural, but just more intense for me because of me being ill. But what I see as true low mood does seem different and much more long lasting and intense.
I think the point where things get dangerous is when I start seriously thinking about suicide and almost talking myself into doing something. This time I prepared by counting the spare tablets I had about a week before and working out how serious it would be and if it would be enough. Then I started talking about when it is ok to give up on here, I guess trying to convince myself that it was ok. The thing is, by that point I might not have wanted to admit myself to hospital so it might be too late.:unsure:
Are you worried about wasting their time?
Yes, not just theirs but mine too. I would rather be at home and it is better for me to be at home than in hospital. Going down the route of hospital also has it's problems. Like Valium, people attribute taking a tablet to feeling better and it's easy to fall into thinking that going into hospital will make me better. People who have been in once, often turn to hospital at times when it's not really necessary because they know it's their as a safety net. Eventually it becomes a revolving door syndrome.
Also sadly going for a job, if I ever manage to in future, mental health is stigmatised. Having to write in the "when were you last in hospital section" that you were in mental hospital tends to affect things.:lac: Usually with a good GP and bending the truth a little you can get away without telling them if hospital isn't on your medical records. ...but then, I just thought, I guess the last time I was in hospital i.e. last week is on there.:wacko: :unsure:
Dawny,
Of course you can PM me. I try to reply and keep up with threads as often as possible. Some are at a lower priority at the moment due to me feeling so rough, but I always get round to them eventually.
Jim:hugs:
Jimbo,
I'm so sorry to read all the terrible dark times you're having to cope with and I can imagine that the places you've been to can make every little thing seem insurmountable.
It's good to hear that you're starting to improve. If you want to, feel free to private message me; I've had experience in some form or another from all viewpoints in this issue, and if talking about it frankly and with a different slant, I would be more than happy to listen.
I really hope that you can start to see some hope soon - being in the dark can be the worst thing ever and it can be so hard to remember that there is a good life outside of the immediate haze.
All the best, Jimbo. Thinking of you, mate.
Luke
Lilith1980
30-01-08, 13:27
Hi Jim
Yeah, I guess you can't really put patterns on these things, it's never really a case of timescales, but I agree that external events would affect how you feel most definitely.
I guess its whether events are being "subconsciously processed", then stored and stress levels gradually build up. Maybe it is a case of being mindful of events that we are exposed to and ensuring we are not letting stress build up. I dont know really :shrug:
Have you ever posted on here when you start to contemplate suicide? Do you think it would help alleviate those feelings if you did? To maybe have some support and rationale from people on NMP?
I understand about the hospital being a safety net, so could your Home team not help you with this? Are they on call 24-7? Sorry, I dont know how "involved" they are.
When you have been "ok", do you look after yourself - eat heathily, exercise etc? Just because I would have thought this would improve your frame of mind. Or do you find you are rushing around alot?
Sorry for all the questions Jim, I just want to try and get an idea of what to suggest but not sure of the whole situation at the moment :blush:
xxxxx
:hugs:
(I'll talk in detail here so if you don't want to hear about suicide, please don't read this!)
Long essay coming up... sorry. :blush:
Have you ever posted on here when you start to contemplate suicide? Do you think it would help alleviate those feelings if you did? To maybe have some support and rationale from people on NMP?
The problem is, I have a lot of suicidal thoughts and the problem is recognising when I might follow through with them. I don't usually say to someone "I want to kill myself today". It usually comes across more subtly. This time I was fairly bluntly tho but it still didn't help.
I have had some last night and today. They usually start with feeling hopeless and that living is too hard to cope with. Then my brain whirs off into thinking about jumping from windows to taking tablets. Usually they are only short lasting and I recognise them as irrational and unwanted thoughts so I can deal with them. But just occasionally when my general mood is very low and events might trigger me off into feeling worse. I seem to lose touch with that rational part of me that stops the thoughts from growing out of control.
Hopefully this link will work and take you to where I was posting when I think things triggered me off at a point where I was already low and pushed me over the edge. I had seen my shrink and he had confirmed my worst fears that there isn't much more anyone can do. Which triggered my normal dark thoughts to circle into the depths over the next few pages.
http://www.nomorepanic.co.uk/showthread.php?t=26089&page=8
And my final post 1 hour before I did it:
http://www.nomorepanic.co.uk/showthread.php?t=26089&page=11
It is upsetting, so please don't read if you are easily upset. (Lots of pages again I'm afraid:blush:).
I understand about the hospital being a safety net, so could your Home team not help you with this? Are they on call 24-7? Sorry, I don't know how "involved" they are.
The "Home Treatment Team" (HTT / home team) are there as a last call to keep people out of hospital. It's the new style NHS way of doing 'Care in the Community'. Hopefully most areas of the UK should have something similar now or soon. In the old days, I would be in hospital for most of my life probably. But money isn't there and the general thoughts are that it doesn't help.
I have to be referred to them from the CMHT, they take over everything and are my only point of contact. They are only for short term care. I will eventually get discharged back to the CMHT. But they are great, I have a number I can phone 24/7 and speak to a team of people, who I have probably met before, but will know me and have all my notes and transcripts of calls in front of them. They are all highly trained and very special people at their jobs, they are incredibly supportive. They contact me every day, half the time they visit in person, half they call. Usually just short calls and visits, maybe 30-60 mins a day.
The down side is that they are hard to get referred to and I can't stay under their care for long. Then as soon as I'm feeling better, they have to discharge. It takes my care coordinator or my shrink to refer me and that means me actually telling them that I am feeling that low. That is my whole problem, when to know, but I hope I am better at it next time.
They are great, but they can't be with me 24 hours a day. I have to make the effort to call them. I honestly believe that unless someone had been sat there with me 24 hours a day for maybe a week or two, nothing would have stopped me. I guess they did save my life this time as I called them with seconds to spare but that isn't safe enough in my mind.:shrug:
Every time this has happened it has been worse. I've od'd 4 times. The first just a strip of sleeping pills that knocked me out for about 16 hours and I didn't see anyone except my GP. Each time has got progressively worse. This time I was certain that I wanted to die.
Without the HTT, things are pretty bleak in terms of support sadly.
In person see my shrink every 6-8 weeks and my care coordinator usually every couple of weeks for about 30mins each time. Things with my therapist are complicated and my therapy is basically over for now.
Direct emergency support apart from 999 isn't good in my area. I can call the CMHT office (9-5), the problem here is that it's a bit random who I speak to and highly likely the person I speak to will not know me or have even seen my notes. On a good day, if my care coordinator is there, or my therapist I can talk, but only if they are available (which they usually aren't). The alternative is the 'duty person', who will talk or call back within 24hrs which means speaking to a person who is undoubtedly overstretched, been on the phone all day dealing with hundreds of patients with multitudes of problems or annoyed that their shrink can't see them or something stupid. I have had bad experiences with them before that have made me feel awful, so I'm reluctant to use them.
Out of hours is even more of a joke.:lac: I would have to call the switchboard of the general hospital and ask to have the duty person from the DoP bleeped, they then call you within 24 hours.
I guess the HTT are already a safety net to a certain extent, I nearly called them last night as I wasn't sleeping well and lots of thoughts were whizzing around.
To anyone who has been through this, I am here as a person who understands if you want to talk. :hugs: Maybe a bit slowly at the moment, but I'm here for now.:)
Jim :hugs:
Mainly today, it's the whole hospital thing that is on my mind most at the moment. I have heard so many different views that it's difficult to know if it's the right thing to do. Also I imagine as with normal hospital, the experience varies massively depending on where you live. I hear that things here in Hampshire are particularly bad, but the 'care in the community' is particularly good.
I have been told (by a prof) down here that it is pretty much 'kookoo's nest' stuff and because of funding they are only for people 'without mental capacity to function'. I was told the analogy that "they think the CIA or aliens are after them". I understand that, I have 2 friends who have suffered from severe psychosis and I understand that hospital is needed for that.
But, what do I do to stop this happening again?
For now, going through all this in my head probably isn't doing me any good. I should really start trying to fix my front door and focusing on the here and now rather than worrying about the future.:noangel:
If anyone is embarrassed to talk about it openly or have any experiences of psychiatric hospital or these sort of issues, please feel free to PM me. I would like to know.:hugs:
Jim :hugs:
yorkylover
30-01-08, 17:35
Hi Jimbo,I can understand how you feel,but I have also been on the other side of things.My brother took a huge overdose was in resus with all the tubes.For a family member it was terrifying to see.
He pulled through,but still has to have blood test to see if there is any lasting damage to his organs,because of the meds he OD with.
He had to see a duty psychiatrist and was admitted to hospital then.
Im glad to hear you are still here,and Im sure your family are to.They are going through as much pain as you are believe me.:bighug1:
Thanks Yorky,
I hope your brother's blood test comes through ok and he recovers well.:hugs:
That also worries me too, I have punished my body. I can feel my kidneys and liver aching. But no-one said anything about blood tests. I think they did loads at hospital... hope.:unsure:
Things have gone a bit sqewiff for me today. I've suddenly realised today feels like a bit of a weird dream and I've had a big mood swing towards feeling over hyper today. I forgot my afternoon meds and took them 3 hours late. I can't sit still despite my body telling me I should and I feel a kind of rage at the smallest things. I keep spouting pages of text and I must stop typing. I also managed to somehow talk the housing association into fixing my front door with an unusually over confident persuasion by phone. I spose it is another day in the crazy world of Jim.:wacko:
I will have to take something to calm me down as I need to be resting at the moment.
Jim :hugs:
Jim
Your story was so wonderfully written mate - thank you. What upset me a lot was the bloomin sticker thing/id wotsit.
You have to get there now - you have been through the worst - you will come through.
I hope you are getting all the care you need from the Mental Health team.xxxxxxxx
Lilith1980
30-01-08, 22:06
Hi Jim, thanks for explaining that for me :)
I think you are right though, you have a lot of things going on in your head at the moment and it might be better to take a step back on concentrate on the present, otherwise you risk stressing yourself out again.
I think I forgot to say, you should try to stop beating yourself up for any upset you have caused to family/friends. This wont do you any good and you have to concentrate on yourself. Yes, they will have been upset but they love you and care about you. But dont punish yourself, because you have done enough of that already.
It sounds like such a hard place you are in right now, I have no experience of it so don't really know what to say, but just know myself, and everyone on NMP are here if you need to talk.
xxxxx
You are right, I went into a massive anxiety attack earlier. The home team talked me down and I had a bath and chilled out and just got ready for bed. They said I have over stimulated myself today and I need to stop thinking about things and calm down.
Now something else has happened with someone that has upset me lots again. I am scared that I have set someone else off who is vulnerable tonight and I am worried for them. I am not getting any replies to my texts so I can only hope it's something simple like having gone to bed or mobile being out of reach.
I have to log off now and go to bed, but I am struggling with my emotions again.:weep:
Jim:hugs:
Lilith1980
30-01-08, 22:47
Loads of :hugs: :hugs: :hugs: for you Jim.
Try not to worry about this other person, you cannnot expect to be responsible for their feelings. You have to think of yourself.
I hope you get some rest Jim, keep updating us :hugs:
xxxxx
HI Jimbo,
haven't replied to your posts before, but have read them and keep up to date, sounds like you have been going through a real rough time (No kidding eh!)
I'm sure that you won't have upset anyone, perhaps its just that you feel so sensitive and vulnerable right at this moment that you think that.
They are prob going through a tough time themselves and just haven't checked their mail etc or logged on.
Anyhow take good care of yourself
and keep in touch
Love Richie xxx
Paddington
31-01-08, 09:27
so sorry it came to this Jimbo..just sendin you a hug hun:hugs: :hugs: Love Paddie.xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
I'm feeling better today after last night. Thanks, :hugs:
I just overdid things severely and went into a big long full on panic attack. Meds eventually KO'd me.
My texts just got stuck in the system so everything is fine.:hugs:
I've got a lot on today, so will be trying to keep things to a minimum. There's just so much to talk about at the moment. A bit overwhelming. But I have to take one thing at a time.
Jim :hugs:
Now I have a stranger in my flat banging and crashing fixing my door. :sofa:
Don't know what to do with myself.:blush:
Jim :hugs:
jim - all i can say is that you are obviously meant to be here lol and like you say - are very lucky to be so. i realise you are worried about your suicidal thoughts and doing it again but this must have given you a big enough jolt to realise that when you start having these irrational thoughts to pull back from them - there is a difference between thinking of and even thinking you want to do something than actually taking action.
it just goes to show how your emotions can fool you - you did not think you could cope with one more minute on earth and yet now you feel terrified that you felt this way. i truly sympathise but suicide is just not an option - for you or the people you leave behind as it doesn't solve anything.
your body and mind have gone through a massive trauma - i would say you need weeks of rest and instead of exploring all the ways and wherefores and what may happen in the future - simply try to accept - because all your body and brain are doing is shouting at your for rest and time to heal - not more worries and fears - your emotional mind came up with solution of ending it all but that is rather a permanent solution - now you have switched into a more rational mind - when you feel stronger you can think things through.
apparently when we feel so depressed and anxious we think we may do something stupid - that is our emotional primitive brain taking over so rational thoughts don;t get a look in - remind yourself of this when you feel you are slipping and just try to accept that you don't have to do anything about it - just wait because in a matter of hours or days you will have a totally different perspective - don;t act on the thought or emotion of the moment.
xxxxxx
Thanks Joannap, :hugs:
I recognise a lot of what you are saying from my therapy.
I sometimes find the rational / emotional / wise mind model a little oversimplified. Emotions have recently been discovered to have a more complex part to play in consciousness and are now seen to be an integral part of higher brain function. Separating them from rational thought isn't quite as simple as it may seem. It's not a model that should be totally discounted, it can be very helpful to see things like that. Lots of therapy like you are describing helps in the moment when things are at crisis point and we are acting on impulse.
I have done impulsive acts including taking smaller overdoses and I suffer from another horrid problem of self harm, I am slowly beating that now using these sort of techniques.
But for the suicide, this time, things were different. It wasn't my emotions taking control, I don't think I was even fooled. I reached a point where I had rationalised that it was time to give up. I remember it clearly. I had thought about it and still do for a long time before, it took me a period of longer than a week to prepare, so it wasn't an impulsive act. Suicide was the only option I saw to get out. It was. Who knows what would have happened if I had succeeded, perhaps I would be happy now or things would just have ended in infinite nothing, nobody knows. To me saying 'suicide isn't an option' isn't true, I've been there. Not that I would ever encourage anyone to do it.
But I survived, so things have changed and I'm glad I am here at the moment.
Jim :hugs:
Wow, what a day so far.
The chap fixed my door for free which is fantastic and put the old bit of the lock back in so I don't have to change keys or anything.:yesyes:
A new chap from the home team came out to see me and we did the "whole life story speech". Next time they will discharge me back to the CMHT. They seem adamant that if I feel like this again they won't admit me to hospital, which I don't understand. I think maybe they are afraid of me becoming institutionalised or relying on it.:shrug: Talked loads of therapy stuff, then got chatting about how I used to go rock climbing and he had just started. Went ok, my head is as 'back to normal' as it can be I think.
Then cause my door is fixed I can go out again so I went to the supermarket. I took the easy route and went half the way by bus. But it was in mountaineering terms, 'an epic'. I am still so weak that I kept having to stop to rest like an old man. I normally stomp everywhere as fast as possible due to my anxiety which is worst out on the streets. But I had to trudge along at a snails pace and each step felt like I was walking through treacle. I virtually collapsed after I got back in and up the stairs with the shopping.:lac:
I think this thread is coming to an end. It is causing me more problems talking and worrying about it and what happened this time and what might happen next time. I just have to get on with things now.
Thanks to everyone who has contributed, you are all fantastic people.:hugs:
Jim :hugs:
mate
glad you are still here and glad you are brave enough to use your darkness to ensure someone elses light :weep:
ade x
Keep on going Jimbo,xxx
Everyone rooting for you
know it's tough but take one step at a time
Lots of love Richie xxx
How're you keeping Jim?
:hugs:
Just gonna start a new thread and lock this one.
I need to put this behind me now.
Thanks again everyone, you've all been stars.
:bighug1: :bighug1: :bighug1:
Jim :hugs:
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