View Full Version : That Special Close Comfort Bond
When we suffer from anxiety, we need to be able share and receive comfort so we don't feel alone which is why we come here because people here understand us. It is Far more difficult, although not impossible, to learn to cope with anxiety if there is no support or understanding from those closest to us which is why it's so important that we choose our close friends carefully because if we make a mistake, we find it much more difficult to break free due to our fears and anxieties, although finding the strength isn't impossible.
My parents were married for nearly 60 years. They had their troubles when they were younger just as we all do but they shared a very close bond which grew stronger as they got older.
I can always remember how my father used to worry about leaving my mother on her own, even though she enjoyed it for short spells, and how my father was always there for her, to confide in, to share with, to support, comfort and reassure her. He would always do his best to show she was NO.1 in his life and so he would do anything and everything to make sure she was happy. Of course, my mother always did the same for him. They shared "that special close comfort bond".
When my father was in the hospice, she walked in the room in tears but didn't want him to see her upset. He looked at me from his bed with a look on his face asking, what should he do. I smiled back trying not to cry myself and he turned to my mother with arms held out saying "come here". After the second time of asking, she did as he asked and he gave her the comfort hug she needed. He had accepted what was going to happen but she of course was afraid of losing him and life without him.
At his funeral, even the female undertaker was choked up. She couldn't speak. Later I asked her why and she told me it was one of the hardest funerals she'd ever attended because in my mothers eyes she could feel all the memories and closeness they'd shared for so many years. She could feel how much she'd lost.
I know we mustn't dwell on upsetting events of the past but I sometimes think of thiese moments because they remind me how close they were and the importance of finding that special bond when we suffer from anxiety. Sadly these days it is so hard to find which is why there are so many lonely people because they feel they can't share or receive comfort from a partner who can't understand them.
Yes, I know some people feel happier living alone but for those who aren't, I do feel it's important to find that close comfort bond to help them learn to cope with their anxieties. :hugs:
bottleblond
07-02-08, 19:52
Bill,
This is a lovely post! and your so right. I think we ALL need SOMEONE, even if it's just for comfort and support.
Thankyou for sharing this
Lisa
xxxx
Bill
What a truley lovely post and really touching. You are so right we all need someone in our lives to share things with, even the anxiety. I am lucky because I do have a very understanding husband and people around me who care about me. Sometimes we don't always appreciate those people and take them for granted and we shouldn't.
Since finding NMP I have met some lovely people who I can share things with , you being one of them, and I am truely thankful for that.
Thankyou Bill
Carol
xxx
Thanks Bill. Another lovely post.
They have a habit of making me cry...but in a good way if that makes sense :)
Bill,
As others have said, those are really nice sentiments. But as you point out, finding the "right" person isn't easy. I think a minority of people find true happiness in love. It's important to be able to live without love because you can NEVER rely on a single human being. If you do, you're in trouble because that means you're over-dependent.
I've never had a soul mate, but last year I had a female friend who had emotional problems of her own, and it was really her support that kept me going. We ended up getting a bit too close - very much at her instigation - and then she ditched me and I've been without support since.
You have to rely on yourself, full stop.
Thank you for all your replies.:hugs:
Francis, I'm sorry to hear of your experience. Yes, it's very hard to find "the right one" because all too often we feel let down and are left hurting badly which destroys our confidence and trust in people leaving us feeling it's better just to rely on ourselves.
However, I feel that leads to a lonely existence because we then we've created a fear of allowing our heart and feelings to be held by anyone else.
I've always believed not everyone is the same and to find love means experiencing hurt along the way as it's a part of life. It's something that has to be accepted IF we don't want to live alone feeling unloved.
I agree we should never be fully dependent on another if we are to survive loss just as my mother did when we lost my father but also that if we allow it, time also heals hurt by allowing us to come to terms so we are able to move forward and try again.
Stored hurt and pains from the past will build within us leading to future anxieties and so it's important to release them in a positive way by coming to terms with them.
As you say, your friend had emotional problems but not everyone is the same, but whether we continue to persevere and risk finding love is a personal choice depending on whether we are happy relying on just ourselves and living alone or wanting to risk finding that rare special bond.
Hope life treats you kinder in the future Francis.:winks:
Thank you for all your replies.:hugs:
Francis, I'm sorry to hear of your experience. Yes, it's very hard to find "the right one" because all too often we feel let down and are left hurting badly which destroys our confidence and trust in people leaving us feeling it's better just to rely on ourselves.
However, I feel that leads to a lonely existence because we then we've created a fear of allowing our heart and feelings to be held by anyone else.
I've always believed not everyone is the same and to find love means experiencing hurt along the way as it's a part of life. It's something that has to be accepted IF we don't want to live alone feeling unloved.
I agree we should never be fully dependent on another if we are to survive loss just as my mother did when we lost my father but also that if we allow it, time also heals hurt by allowing us to come to terms so we are able to move forward and try again.
Stored hurt and pains from the past will build within us leading to future anxieties and so it's important to release them in a positive way by coming to terms with them.
As you say, your friend had emotional problems but not everyone is the same, but whether we continue to persevere and risk finding love is a personal choice depending on whether we are happy relying on just ourselves and living alone or wanting to risk finding that rare special bond.
Hope life treats you kinder in the future Francis.:winks:
Thanks very much Bill. Sorry, I was feeling a bit bitter and twisted last night - well I feel that way most of the time but I don't always vent it :)
I believe a life without love is not worth living and that is why I'm struggling. I'm naturally very shy - not an attractive trait in a bloke - and my weird social behaviour due to my obsessive problems makes finding a partner doubly difficult. I just send out signals of fear and hostility and can't control it.
Those occasions when I hug relatives or my nieces, or even just when a colleague pats my shoulder, I get a rush of relief and I'm reminded that physical affection is what I need so much. But the irony is that the more desperate you are for it, the less likely you are to get it.
My parents have a very close relationship and I think the model of their relationship causes me to set my hopes too high. My dad in particular is not a particularly happy person but at least this is one part of his life that worked out for him as well as it could.
I'm also in a difficult situation with the only ex-girlfriend I have, who I love as a friend and who I've stayed friends with because she's lonely, which may well be the worst thing I could have done. I've never had romantic feelings for her, whereas she has very strong romantic feelings for me. It's been 15 years now that we've been in this limbo situation. It's all a total mess, though I suppose there are some things I should be thankful for. I have a good job, and my family loves me, though increasingly I can't talk to them about my difficulties because it upsets them. I'm really alone with this stuff.
And to top it all I'm a self-pitying t***er :)
Hello Francis,
I can understand why you're feeling so down and negative about things but within your reply there are a lot of positives that you cannot see because of your mood.
Firstly, you should never bottle feelings because they build up within us and often cause anxieties. It's good to talk and to vent hurts, pains and frustrations because it can help to release negative emotions and aid healing. Sharing can also help us to see a different outlook so never feel bad about venting!
I understand exactly how you feel regarding life doesn't feel worth living without love because I've been there too but I do believe in never giving up on hope! If we give up on hope then all is lost.
I'm naturally very shy - not an attractive trait in a bloke Ermmm, who said being very shy is unattractive??? There are Lots of very shy women too who also feel the same way about themselves! I think a very shy bloke would be attractive to them because they wouldn't feel so afraid of sharing their feelings. There is Always someone for everyone! Oh and by the way, when I was younger I was Extremely shy too but it was just a part of my sensitive personality. You're not alone Francis.
Is there really any harm in sending out signals of fear? If you meet someone who is also feeling fearful, would it not attract? And how do you know you give out hostility? There is always someone who understands.
I tend to agree that the more desperate we are, the less likely we'll find it but often someting turns up without us even realising it as it's in a hidden form. What's wrong with setting high hopes? It's better than giving up.
You have an ex-girlfriend who has very strong romantic feelings for you- I know you don't feel the same towards her but doesn't that tell you that you are a bloke who Does attract women, that you Can be loved and proves there is Always hope?
And lastly, you're Most definitely NOT alone with this stuff because there are many people who feel the same as you who can't see themselves for who and what they Really Are! Don't beat yourself up for being a "Good" Guy!:winks:
Hi Bill,
Yet another fascinating and inspiring post.
Have you ever thought of writing a book?-you certainly have a way with words.
Francis,please keep believing in yourself and you will come through this,one day at a time.
Best wishes,
Chalky
Thanks Chalky,
I guess in truth I have "half" written a book but not on anxiety. A few years ago I researched my uncle who was killed in WW2. I traced 2 survivors in New Zealand who sent me their stories which I merged and added to with my own research. I then submitted it to the BBC so that anyone could read it and that's how I was invited to be interviewed on radio both here and in New Zealand. I was also front page in our local paper a couple of times because I was trying to trace a WAAF who rescued one of the survivors, but without success.
When I was in my teens and even in my twenties, I was Extremely shy and I would Never have dreamt of being so public. I came out of school with only 3 "O" levels including english language and literature but I never did "A" levels or went to university. I hated school because I was bullied due to my shyness. I was so shy I couldn't even talk to girls so I never had any girlfriends even though I desperately would have loved to have had one!
I think what changed me was "confidence". I started to train people at work so I had to write training manuals. I'd also host meetings which gave me the confidence to speak up within other peoples meetings.
Building knowledge and experience creates confidence in our abilities and that goes for anxiety too.
All I'm saying is that we are often more capable of achieving our goals than we realise because our negative thinking prevents us from seeing our true attributes and abilities.
These days I tend to write a lot of poetry but I normally just store them because they are often of a romantic nature. To me, they're like painting a picture but they're good therapy too. I have thought about publishing them though as I've so many! Maybe one day, who knows.:shrug:
Thanks again Chalky.:winks:
Hi Bill,
I lost a great-uncle in the First World War.I had the priviledge of locating and visiting his grave,almost 90 years after his death-the first family member to do so.
It is a very humbling experience to see the countless small graveyards-often along country lanes in France-tended so lovingly by the War Graves Association.
So many graves marked with the "Unknown Soldier" or "Inconnu" for those thousands of French dead.
If only people could treat each other with more respect in life.
Best wishes,
Chalky
I quite agree Chalky....that's why I feel if everyone suffered anxiety the world would be a better place because everyone would be worrying about each other and so there would be more care and understanding.
My, who would have been my only, uncle was killed in a training accident and buried with my grandparents. He was only in his early twenties.
If your great uncle was looking down on you, I'm sure he'd be very moved and proud of you taking the time to visit his grave.:winks:
Sometimes when I feel low or anxious I remind myself of the the things I have that they were never allowed by others.
Wars create such a terrible waste of life and it's always the "common man/woman" who suffer most.
I fear world peace is Just a nice dream though.:unsure:
:blush: hi guys i hope you wont mind me adding my two peneth worth here? im finding this post fascinating because i can relate to it on almost every level - well except for world war veterans relatives (im 35):winks:
i relate to you bill watching your dad die and seeing your mums pain. i had an intensely close relationship with my mum (she split from my dad when i was 1 because he was a waster, although i had continual contact with the guy for 15 years, maybe a mistake maybe not as ive come to realise - but another story for another time) i slept in the same bed till i was 12:blush: :ohmy: and we were like each others shadows. i started to suffer panic at 14 and this seemed to make us even closer, so when she was diagnosed with cancer when i was 18 far from me falling apart i was her main carer, as both my sisters didnt live at home. i also like your mum bill and yourself felt intense pain at the prospect of losing my mum. but for me it did go deeper because of the dependancy and the fact tha ti had missed out on some normal experiences due to my anx and me needing to be there for my mum.
but i did have friends and i had hope, which i still have to this day, which i believe most ppl on here possess because if they didnt they would have given up long ago. so after she died i remained 'devastated' long after others recovered (well not her mum and dad, but although my sisters would have grieved deeply and prob still do, outwardly they cope).
to francis, i also felt uncomfortable around the opposite sex, like bill says prob just due to lack of confidence. i did embark on some short relationships after my mum died and infact i married one of my sisters friends (cant believe im telling you all about this:blush: ) who id had a crush on since i was a kid (shes 7 yrs older) after a week (ish):blush: of being together!!!! well as you can imagine it didnt work and actually i was being duped as he had a drug problem. right to cut to the chase, which is taking forever - i actually agree with both you bill and you francis - we do have to let love in and we do have to be independant - i think we can have both?
i wasnt even very frightened when i met my now husband 11 years ago, because hurt and pain are part and parcel of life - like in the book the road less travelled by m scott peck, he talks of a woman who wont indulge in life because she is frightened of being hurt - even though id been deeply wounded by the death of my mum, i knew you have to take a chance in life if your to get what you want. well it hasnt been all roses bill like your mum and dad, but thats because ive got issues but so too do most ppl and my husband has a fair few himself, despite being likeable and successful he too is shy and had little success with women, so we are testament that you can escape from the chains that bind you to your fears and stop you from moving out and taking on the world - like the coldplay song says ' nobody said it was easy' take care guys emma:flowers: oh and thanks for letting me hijack your post and give you a bit more than 2 peneth worth!:blush:
Interesting Bill,
I believe that there is someone out there for everyone but the finding of them is rare and special..
I met my first wife at school and we were childhood sweethearts.. We had a close and good relationship for many years until I went through some particularly bad times with my panic attacks , this lasting for a few yearss. It was during this time I realised my partner was not right for me and she was thinking the same.. She was more interested in me keeping my job than in my overall health and well being...We had a nice home and she wanted to keep it that way...I was just struggling to get by..
We had lost our love and I knew it the day she told me that she no longer respected me...
I was no longer the bread winner but more a liability..
Even then I knew it would only be a very special person whom could empathise and understand what I was going through and I knew it wasnt her.. I really dont think that was her fault though.. She just was not the right person for me.
We divorced but remained friends as we had two boys at the time...
Since then She has become my best friend and I am now able to confide in her deeply, but as a friend and not a partner. She has helped me through many a bad time over the years.
I still hope though that one day I will meet that one special person whom has all the qualities to both understand and love.
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