Charlie Girl
10-02-08, 00:25
Hi to all you friends that I haven't met yet, here's my story.
I have struggled with anxiety and depression since my childhood. Both my parents had psychological issues and this, coupled with some early abuse, meant that realistically I was never going to avoid it completely. I was prescribed with phenobarbitone by the time I was eight years old. I managed to get through my teenage years with the occasional help of drink and drugs but then, in my early twenties, both my parents died in fairly quick succession. The only other family member in England (the rest of the family live in Ireland) was my brother. About a year or eighteen months after my parents’ death, I developed severe anxiety for which I was prescribed Lorazepam. To cut a long story short(ish), I stayed on a fairly large dose of this for about 30 years until a couple of years ago, feeling very ill for many of those years. The positive effects of the drug had long since ceased and I later found that I had developed ‘withdrawal tolerance’ which is what was making me ill. I began a cross-over to Diazapam and then a schedule of gradual withdrawal over a period of almost 2 years. For the last couple of years, I had been pretty much fine.
Then, around 18 months ago my brother died following a long battle with cancer. I lived in his house with him for the last months of his life and could only watch helplessly as he deteriorated rapidly and became extremely ill, a very upsetting time as you can imagine. He and I were very close but, although I was of course extremely upset, my emotional state remained relatively stable at that time. I mention my brother’s death as I’m sure it has a bearing on what happened next.
I should mention at this point that I had a stroke 8 years ago (at the age of 44) which initially caused weakness of the left side but, over the years, had turned to mild spasticity in the limbs affected by the stroke.
About 6 months ago the anxiety began to return along with mild depression. My sense of humour (which has often been the only thing that has kept me going) flew out of the window, I became extremely fearful and experienced regular panic attacks. I didn’t want to see anyone or go anywhere and it began to seriously affect my quality of life. Some weeks ago I went to my doctor. I was reluctant at that point to address the anxiety with any kind of benzodiazepine so I decided to focus on the depression. My doctor prescribed citalopram. Four or five days into the course, I began to feel ill and to experience severe anxiety. Apart from the psychological effects of this, the relatively mild spasticity became much worse. My left arm, hand, knee and ankle began to contract to the extent that I now find it impossible to walk when anxious. After 11 days (2 weeks ago), I felt so ill and the anxiety was so extreme that I discontinued the citalopram. Since then, I have not felt as ill but the severe anxiety has remained, I’m in a constant state of tension, it feels like every muscle and sinew is on alert all the time, my breathing is constantly shallow, my neck hurts and I have a bad head, bad mood, blurred vision and a dry mouth with a tinny taste. I was put on prozac a couple of days ago in an effort to address the anxiety and the depression No side-effects (good or bad) so far. I haven’t been outside the house for weeks and, even if the ‘phone rings or I hear someone outside, I become so anxious that the spasticity worsens and I find myself unable to walk. Apart from anything else, I know from fellow stroke sufferers that if I allow the spasticity to continue, it could quite easily become permanent.
It is clear therefore that I now seriously need to address my anxiety problem. My main problem at the moment is that, because of how fearful I feel when anxious, coupled with the panic attacks and the fact that I am unable to walk when the panic kicks in, I am unable to go out. As the years pass and the number of years ahead dwindle, I am determined to make sure that I get all the help I can to enable me to be the person I know I can be and to enjoy the rest of my life. I visited a counsellor last year and, as soon as I am able to go out, I will go again, hopefully to learn some CBT techniques. Joining this marvellous site will, I’m sure, help greatly and I’m hoping that the prozac will contribute something too.
I’m 53 now and I want the rest of my life to be the best it can be, it's now or never. I hope to make some friends here and I hope that, together, we can march forward. Thanks for listening. Charlie Girl xx
I have struggled with anxiety and depression since my childhood. Both my parents had psychological issues and this, coupled with some early abuse, meant that realistically I was never going to avoid it completely. I was prescribed with phenobarbitone by the time I was eight years old. I managed to get through my teenage years with the occasional help of drink and drugs but then, in my early twenties, both my parents died in fairly quick succession. The only other family member in England (the rest of the family live in Ireland) was my brother. About a year or eighteen months after my parents’ death, I developed severe anxiety for which I was prescribed Lorazepam. To cut a long story short(ish), I stayed on a fairly large dose of this for about 30 years until a couple of years ago, feeling very ill for many of those years. The positive effects of the drug had long since ceased and I later found that I had developed ‘withdrawal tolerance’ which is what was making me ill. I began a cross-over to Diazapam and then a schedule of gradual withdrawal over a period of almost 2 years. For the last couple of years, I had been pretty much fine.
Then, around 18 months ago my brother died following a long battle with cancer. I lived in his house with him for the last months of his life and could only watch helplessly as he deteriorated rapidly and became extremely ill, a very upsetting time as you can imagine. He and I were very close but, although I was of course extremely upset, my emotional state remained relatively stable at that time. I mention my brother’s death as I’m sure it has a bearing on what happened next.
I should mention at this point that I had a stroke 8 years ago (at the age of 44) which initially caused weakness of the left side but, over the years, had turned to mild spasticity in the limbs affected by the stroke.
About 6 months ago the anxiety began to return along with mild depression. My sense of humour (which has often been the only thing that has kept me going) flew out of the window, I became extremely fearful and experienced regular panic attacks. I didn’t want to see anyone or go anywhere and it began to seriously affect my quality of life. Some weeks ago I went to my doctor. I was reluctant at that point to address the anxiety with any kind of benzodiazepine so I decided to focus on the depression. My doctor prescribed citalopram. Four or five days into the course, I began to feel ill and to experience severe anxiety. Apart from the psychological effects of this, the relatively mild spasticity became much worse. My left arm, hand, knee and ankle began to contract to the extent that I now find it impossible to walk when anxious. After 11 days (2 weeks ago), I felt so ill and the anxiety was so extreme that I discontinued the citalopram. Since then, I have not felt as ill but the severe anxiety has remained, I’m in a constant state of tension, it feels like every muscle and sinew is on alert all the time, my breathing is constantly shallow, my neck hurts and I have a bad head, bad mood, blurred vision and a dry mouth with a tinny taste. I was put on prozac a couple of days ago in an effort to address the anxiety and the depression No side-effects (good or bad) so far. I haven’t been outside the house for weeks and, even if the ‘phone rings or I hear someone outside, I become so anxious that the spasticity worsens and I find myself unable to walk. Apart from anything else, I know from fellow stroke sufferers that if I allow the spasticity to continue, it could quite easily become permanent.
It is clear therefore that I now seriously need to address my anxiety problem. My main problem at the moment is that, because of how fearful I feel when anxious, coupled with the panic attacks and the fact that I am unable to walk when the panic kicks in, I am unable to go out. As the years pass and the number of years ahead dwindle, I am determined to make sure that I get all the help I can to enable me to be the person I know I can be and to enjoy the rest of my life. I visited a counsellor last year and, as soon as I am able to go out, I will go again, hopefully to learn some CBT techniques. Joining this marvellous site will, I’m sure, help greatly and I’m hoping that the prozac will contribute something too.
I’m 53 now and I want the rest of my life to be the best it can be, it's now or never. I hope to make some friends here and I hope that, together, we can march forward. Thanks for listening. Charlie Girl xx