people just dont understand

[helenclaire]

Hi,
I am feeling really upset at the moment, i swear people think i am just lazy and dont want to do anything.
They dont seem to realise there is a reason why i cant go out on my own without my husband or why i cant work.
My mum is due to go in hospital for a operation next week but to enable it to be done quicker it means going somewhere that is miles away. my dad is taking her but she wants me to go to keep him company on the way back, hubby wont be about and i really dont think i can travel all that way.She has made me feel really bad now by saying i dont care and shes not going.
I feel people just think i dont want to do things but i do, i just cant.
Sorry just had to get it off my chest. Why do i feel so guilty if i had a physical problem people would understand, but because you cant see mental illness people dont think it exists, the only ones that understand are people that have been through it.
I am so fed up with the get over it, pull yourself together attitude,
If only i could, do they think i choose to be like this.

Helen:weep:

[Lilith1980]

Hey Helen

I hear you honey. Its very hard for people to understand anxiety because it is not something they can see.

I dont bother trying to explain it my Mum because she just gives me a baffled look, and I have to keep explaining things over and over which just winds me up so I dont bother.

I have printed off a load of info from this site for my b/f because although I dont expect him to know the ins and outs, I think it would give him a good insight and enable him to be more patient with me.

I know its times like this when you feel alone because you feel like no one understands you, but we do hun and we're here for you :)

Jo xxxxx

[HazyMind]

I know just how you feel Helen.

It's so hard for people to understand anxiety if they havent had any experience of it, my family have tried to understand (well thats what they say:huh: ) but they dont seem to realise that I have to live with this everyday.

I'm getting alot of pressure from my family about "doing something with my life". It really gets me down sometimes that they think im useless and lazy and they dont understand how I feel, i really want to get back to college more than anything but because that is difficult for me and year after year I still havent done it, I get depressed enough about the things I cant do so to have my family make me feel that I am lazy and dont want to do it really gets me down.

Anyway sorry i think i needed to get that off my chest too.

Maybe you could do what Lilith did and print off some things from here for your family to readd? Maybe that would help them understand a bit better?

Hope things work out for you and all goes well with your mum too!:hugs: :hugs: :hugs:

x

[chalky]

Hi Helen,

Focusing on what you can do to resolve this may prove to be a positive experience.
Jo has provided an excellent idea-print off some information from the site about your condition.Not only will this help you educate your nearest and dearest but it will also allow them the chance to support you better.
:hugs: :hugs: :hugs: :hugs:
best wishes,
Chalky

[cl13]

Hi Helen

Sorry to hear you are having a tough time at the moment, I can understand how you must be feeling.

To try and get my boyfriend to understand the situation, I actually took him to the doctors with me so he could hear what the doctor was actually saying. ( I am lucky enough to have an understanding doctor)

I hope your situation gets better soon
Take care

Claire
x:hugs:

[PUGLETMUM]

:) hi helen, as you can see you will get alot of understanding about this subject! i does make everything alot harder that they dont understand and then you feel hurt that they dont understand - even by reading the stuff they still wont understand though, but they can care for you without understanding. i would advise you helping yourself as much as you possibly can, not making demands on them, then means they cant make demands on you! you just say ' well im trying my hardest to work through what is a very difficult situation for me and if you can tbe bothered to help well just leave me alone' no t easy i know as we can become needy when we are like this. but if you slowly slowly get better what they are doing/thinking about you wont matter so much? i wish i was doing a better job of getting across what i mean ,but i think that will have to do:winks: but i have been there and you can lessen this concern with a) how much ppl care and b)concern with what they think about you, but it does take time and it is hard, because in some ways its like your going it alone and that is hard! take care and all the best, emma:flowers:

[Bill]

I agree with all the above including that people simply don't understand because they've not experienced anxiety themselves.

then you feel hurt that they dont understand

I was at my bowls club the other day but the team captain was away and I was deputising. We have a match coming up but one player approached me to say he had to drop out so it was down to me to find a suitable replacement. However, deciding who would be best for the team is a difficult thing to do because there are always those who simply won't understand why they have not been chosen.

I knew whoever I chose, someone would have a go at me but I chose who I thought was best for the team. Sure enough at the end of the session, one player vented off at me with no holding back even though I was put into an impossible situation. Yes, it hurt because I don't like upsetting people and I could have taken that hurt out on myself but I didn't by reminding myself "I did my Best".

Doing our Best is all Anyone can do no matter what they suffer from and if people can't understand or see that, then that's Their problem and Not ours. We cannot please everyone all of the time so we shouldn't allow others opinions of us to bring us down because then we carry their hurt together with ours.

I know it's difficult to do but when people get upset with us, we Have to remind ourselves "We did what we could, We did what we thought was Right, We did OUR Best because We have a conscience"........and No one should expect more just because they don't take the time to understand us!:hugs:

[helenclaire]

Hi ,
I understand what you are saying, but i cannot help feeling so sentitive to peoples remarks, i take it all to heart and it feels like its a personnel attack on me all the time because i am not like them.
I am waiting for an appointment from the counsellor as i really want to beat this but people dont understand that it is going to take time and it wont happen over night.
I must admit i try not to let people see how bad i feel and hide my feelings quite well, so they prob dont realise just how bad i am and thats why they put things on me, so maybe if i tried to explain to them it might help.
Thanks for all your advice
Helen

[sagey]

Helen, I wonder if it is a generation thing that stops people understanding. My Mum is gone now but she went through the war and became familiar with ordinary people suffering trauma and living with the consequences. When I had my first bought of anxiety 20 years ago, my mum had an understanding of my turmoil and was very patient and sympathetic .
I can't speak for later generations because I have no nowledge, but I think teens today are very supportive of their peer group and they have some knowledge of things like self-harm and eating disorders and tend to be supportive of their freinds/family. Hopefully for future sufferers there will be plenty of understanding and better health care, but for now, with some age groups there is a gap of understanding.

[bluebottle]

People don't understand, even professionals who are supposed to, and be there to help you don't understand.

There are people though, fellow sufferers and enlightened workers who do understand, and thank God for them.

[joannap]

hi helen

i am very lucky in that my mum and husband totally sympathise with what i have been through but that they still say they cannot imagine what it must be like - it is very difficult to put yourself in other people's shoes so i am sure your family just have no idea of what a nightmare anxiety can be. Some people also find the idea of anything "mental/emotional" a bit of a stigma and just don;t know how to deal with it.

You are bound to take everything personally because of how sensitized the anxiety makes you feel. i think you should explain everything to them as best you can and then like emmas says - try to focus on your own recovery. i only really started coming on in leaps and bounds when i decided to take charge of my recovery - i still talked to my mum if i felt terrible but i decided not to let anxiety beat me or stop me living my life - that i was going to allow it to be there but not hold me back. I am now back to living a full life - i have my wobbles but i just let the symptoms come back if they want - accept them and they soon pass. i hope you can reach this stage too.

At the end of the day anxiety/depression is a selfish illness in that we forget that those around us have their own problems/may be looking for support. This is not to make people feel guilty but the very nature of our condition makes us look inwards and focus on ourselves. why not tell your parents about your panic etc and then really try and see the journey back from the hospital as a challenge - think "so what i panic and dad has to stop the car - what is the worst thing that can happen to me?". this is exactly the method i used for my recovery and if i felt anxious i simply let it wash over me until it passed - anxiety can only build if you let it. xx

[helenclaire]

Hi,
just wanted to let you know that i managed to go with my mum to the hospital this morning, hubby managed to get time off work so he drove.
Felt fine going as it was early and still quite dark and i am better in the dark.
Had to take a lift to the ward which i was not happy about, started to feel a bit wobbly when walking through the ward.
Waited with mum while she had her pre-op assesment but felt really uneasy and had to sit down a couple of times, this really got to me as i felt fine all the way there.
Anyway trip back was not too bad but still felt wobbly and shaky thinking about how i felt in the hospital.
Nobody knows how i was feeling as i never tell anyone because i think if people started fussing i would feel worse.
Anyway i went, just feeling disappointed that felt bad while i was there.
Helen

[AceR1mmer]

People cant understand fear unless they too fear it:)

[PUGLETMUM]

:yesyes: :hugs: :D :flowers: dear helenclaire, you need to stop right there!!!! i will not allow you to be negative about going to the hospital!! NO NO NO NO NO. you are not allowed to do that to yourself! if you want to get better, be proud that you went, not depressed that you felt rough! what did you expect? to feel perfectly calm and relaxed and 'normal'? how posssibly could you when you have a phobia and fears and anxiety and panic???? when you first start exposure to things that youve been avoiding or when you do things you dread, you have to change this negative attitude or you will never get better!!! congratulate yourself for the effort you made and set your sights on your next challenge - anxiety will not just dissapear overnight, and it is often a hard, scary, lonely road back to health - but have faith in yourself and you will do it! beat yourself up like this and i can guarantee you will remain trapped and fearful - beleive me coz i did it to myself for years!!! now you have to accept the physical symptoms but mentally you have to support yourself:yesyes: you are brill for going and that is all there is to it! well done you:flowers: take care emma, btw i can prove that this attitude helps because this last year i have made more progress in my agoraphobia journey thatn in any other year in the past 9!!! and all because i stopped beating myself up and came to love myself - if you dont you wont feel the need to get better? but if you do love yourself, you start to say 'hang ona minute anxiety, what about me? i dont want to avoid life, i want to be out there with everybody else!' and you start to take back control, instead of anxiety controlling you. please dont waste precious recovery time beating yourself up because you didnt feel 'okay', you were very very brave to do this and you should be very proud of yourself. i think youll have the message by now:winks:

[sheba2]

Dear Helen. boy do I know how you feel . I sometimes feel it is our nearest and dearest who are least understanding of all. I have let others bully me into doing so many things that I didn't feel comfortable with and in the end my stress levels were so high I felt on the edge of complete physcal and mental breakdown. Now I just say no. If your mum really needs you you can reevaluate whether you go or not but for now if you can't then that is it. Don't feel guilty because they don't understand.