My Husband needs help

[agentsquirrel]

hi, new here and i want to help my husband. he's been suffering quiet badly from these attacks now for about four years. he constantly thumps his chest as if to 'stop' an attack happening sometimes this is not succesful and he begins to shake and tremble. he's a heavy drinker which i don't feel is helping him much either and he's terrible at night to the extent where he can no longer sleep upstairs as he will often jump up and start banging his chest several times a night. we did go to the doctor and have tests but they proved negative for epilepsy which we thought it might have been, the upshot is, while i love him this is coming between us. its his lack of determination to get to the bottom of it which is causing the problems, its always 'i've not got time to mess about with doctors' or something else will prevent him. he's a very stubborn individual and would not respond well to being told directly what to do in fact he would just go the opposite way ( for instance if someone told him he couldnt drink he'd go on a bender just to prove himself) he does have stress in life yes but to be honest 90% of it is of his own making, he will take on loads of projects for people as though he can't let anyone down and then panic when he can't get them all done. he needs help and fast we both do as i fear this will see off our relationship if he doesnt get it sorted soon.

[jill]

Hi there

WELCOME TO THE SITE,

I do feel deeply for you hun, this must be soo hard for you and your hubby, but for you right now, YOU must be stressed too, (HUGS TO YOU)

He sounds like he has soo much male pride, men tend not to talk about there probems they think its a weakness to talk about probs. Hun, try and ecourage him to talk to you, reasure him that you will not judge him, tell him that there are many, many other people out there suffering the same.

Just by reading your thread I feel that there are two things causeing the problem, stress of work and drinking. His body is telling him to slow down, to change and if you don't listen to your body, it will try and make you.

The fact that he hits himself on the chest, he has learned what I would call a short tearn coping skill, YES, it may work at first but for long tearn he needs, to talk to someone, eg, GP, to get the help that he needs, to point him the right direction to people who can learn him, long tearn coping skills.

Can you ask him to take alook at this site, there are male members on here.

I know from first hand how hard it is to care for someone who is suffering pa's, anxiety and you feel that they don't listen or feel they don't want to be helped or just stuburn.

Hun, you can only try your best, be there for him, ask him how you can help, if he feels he can't read through the sight, print things off for him, leave them laying around the house, get books from the library. Help him see that he's not alone and there is help out there and there are poeple on this site who understand what he is going through.

You are a star hun, you love your hubby and want to help, Please don't be to hard on yourself when he rejects the help right now, he's feeling very scared and alone at the mo and feels there nothing he can do, BUT, BUT, if he reads through this site or reads books, he will see, that there IS something he can do.

Hope this helps a little, there are lots of nice people here who will help and support YOU and if hubby joins, he will get alot of help and support too.

YOU TAKE CARE

LOVE JILLXX

[Kim Baker]

I second what Jill has said - men just find it all too difficult to admit there may be something wrong - i speak from experience........
follow Jill's advice and be patient - i know it is not easy!

He is so fortunate to have you, i wish you all the luck in the world!

Keep us posted,

Love,
Kim X:hugs:

[JohnS]

If he could come on this site he'll find a lot of us here are suffering from the same things as him. It may even help him understand that he's not alone.

I'd recommend that he went to see a doctor and then be referred to see a counsellor. Having a counsellor really does help and apart from that, the doctor may even prescribe something that will help with the symptoms he's experiencing.

I hope this doesn't bring your relationship to an end and that your husband finally realises he'll need to get some help.

I was stubborn about getting help at first. When I went to see the doctor about something completely different, she said I was very anxious. I told her that I'm not and actually felt worse... After a few months I realised I'd need help so called her up and now she's really helpful and I now see a counsellor that is a great help. :)

Good luck and I hope you and your husband both feel better soon.

[Bill]

Yes I agree he needs to see the doctor so he can get counselling but it's the getting him there that's the problem so I'd suggest trying one or all the following - diplomacy, begging, a threat even if you don't mean to go through with it, or let him see how upset he's making you so that he can see how much it's hurting you.

Normally the one thing that gets around a mans pride is the fear of losing the one they love because men rely on their partners for the comforts they provide so they'll normally do anything to keep them!:hugs:

[chalky]

Hi AgentSquirrel,

Welcome to the Forum.

:hugs: :yesyes: :hugs: :yesyes: :hugs: :yesyes:

You will get loads of support and advice here.
My anxiety issues have a number of causes.One of them is my alcoholism.
I have been sober for nine years now.My wife tried everything with me to get me to stop drinking.The straw that broke the camel's back for me was the realisation that I could no longer stick the pain of drinking-both mentally and physically.People sometimes call this rock-bottom.
Tough love is very important here.Your husband must be made to realize the effect his behaviour is having on you.
To be blunt,you deserve better.
It is very clear that you are a loving and supportive partner but do not allow yourself to be an enabler of his bad conduct.
Tough love is good love.
Best wishes,
Chalky

[Meewah]

Ummm...

Not sure I agree with you Bill, This could make the panic worse. I find that part of the problem for me being a fellow male sufferer is upsetting my wife, you are right we need our women for our comforts. I have stopped talking about my problems to my wife which strangly is the complete opposite to agentsquirrels husband. I started talking to my wife first and then I realised that I am her rock and if her rock drifts she feels it hard to cope. I could not think of anything worse than two Anx sufferers living together.

My constructive offering is to speak to his best friend and explain to him what is happening. Another male friend has a lot more clout than a partner. If you ask his best friend to explain that he has noticed the increased drinking and that he seems to be suffering and where to get help. You may have to tell him via this sites advice where to get the best help and what it is or he may just waffle on about giving up drinking and going to the docs. Be specific CBT, stopping alcahol, getting away for a extended holiday, reducing the work load.

Hope this helps. My best help is my friends and direct family at the moment not my own wife!!

Hope this helps

Mee

[jill]

Hi there,

I was thinking about you, how are things going hun? I know you have not logged onto the site since you put this thread up, but just wanted you to know I'm thinking of you.

I know its dame hard for you right now, but please, vent on here, we are all here to help and support you as much as we can.

TAKE CARE, BIG HUGS TO YOU

WISHING YOU HUBBY WELL

LOVE JILLXX