Long one...put kettle on!

[overtherainbow]

Hi,

I'm not sure where to post because my problems (to me) seem so wrapped up in each other and so complicated. I hope someone will direct me if this isn't the right place to start my hopeful plee for some advice or general opinions!

I came off antidepressants completely a few weeks ago (2 month phase out) after a year of taking them without any problems. I never liked them or wanted to be on them, so was keen to get off them as soon as possible and felt that I had a good grip on life.

I went on antidepressants after my marriage almost ended in a spectacular fashion in October 2006 (bags packed, young child ready to put in car, etc etc). I felt like the world was against me (husband, work, life in general) and I was ready to explode. Although I felt that my husband's attitude and actions had a lot to do with my depressed, paranoid state, and this horrible dive that our relationship had taken, the only course of action at the time ended up me seeking counselling (which, amazingly, I started within a month) and the medication. I then also had 6 months off work having only been back from maternity leave for 8 weeks.

So I get through 2007 on medication (mild - 20mg) and changes are made to my work situation that enabled me to return last May. I finally felt like my mind was in a better place, and that I was doing well, holding down a full time job, raising my little one and feeling happier generally. Topped off nicely by a big family holiday in the US in the summer.

So I get to late 2007 and decide I feel ready to come off the ADs. I go through a 2 month reduction in dose, and finally come off them in January.

So fast-forward to today, and I am an emotional wreck. This is why I am coming to you guys...because I can't work out if there are serious, deep down issues in my marriage that aren't (and never have been) addressed, whether my husband is infact himself suffering from depression, or whether it is just that I should never have come off the ADs yet.

In my relationship I feel pretty worthless at the moment. There is zero romance (my birthday was almost completely a non-event and left me feeling unloved and forgotten). We never go out together - he goes out regularly with our friends, he never askes me to join them. I used to be involved in a music group that he still does, and I resent that deeply. I've tried to address it in my own head but I can't get around it. I very occasionally go out with my girlfriends, but they're all professionals and parents and that's hard to arrange more than every couple of months. I'm upset that I feel like a 'babymother' (no offense intended to anyone) rather than a wife and mother. I need to feel special and the only people I get that from is everyone but the one person a crave it from - my hubby!

We're both exhausted most of the time, working full time in professional jobs. We're only driven by our rising mortgage payments, and attempts for me to work part-time failed horribly, both financially and professionally so that doesn't even seem like an option anymore. But it means that we've ended up in this mad battle for some R&R. He comes home every night and falls asleep on the sofa, and most weekends makes up an excuse like feeling ill to lie in for hours. I get more and more tired and resentful (well I can't just come in and fall asleep even if I'm dead on my feet, so why can he??)

And to top it all off, I'm on one massive guilt trip that I'm having to put my little one in nursery full time to be able to go to work to pay the bills, and that I'm too exhausted to do anything energetic or creative with him in the limited time we do get together in a week.

So during my days at the moment, I cry numerous times, I feel anxious when it's time to go home incase he falls asleep, ignore the housework, etc, I feel resentful, lonely, hurt, abandoned and unloved by my partner).

Now onto him. He seems to be in a permanent bad mood. He has a p****d off expression all the time, he doesn't start conversations and is hard to work to keep a conversation going with. He is always yawning and falling asleep, through working so hard and staying up late. He tries really hard to play with our little on in the evening and at weekends but sometimes he seems quite grouchy and whiney with her, and this worries me too. (But then I think I can be too sometimes). We do though, always put her first and strangely seem fine when we're all together as a family things are genuinely fun.

We have never found it easy to talk. We ignore and distract ourselves from our problems, and we've always been the kind of couple who will stew over things and let them build up until they explode, we go through a horrendous emotional episode which is resolved when we sobbingly agree that we can't split up because we love each other too much and that it's just life throwing too much our way. We're fine for a while...

I'm sorry for this total stream of confused mutterings, but that's how it feels in my head, and I think I've only given you a hundredth of what's in my mind!

I need some direction! Is it me? Is it him? Is it coming off the antidepressants?

I know no-one can give much of an informed opinion, but anyone's thoughts or suggestions would be welcomed. I have one close friend and my mom whi know how I'm feeling, but it's getting to the point where I feel like the whole things gonna blow again and I really do risk losing my marriage.

Thank you all so much for being here...:flowers:

Darcy


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[Lilith1980]

Hey Darcy :hugs:

Sorry things aren't going great for you at the moment hun.

Regarding your relationship with your husband, I can relate to what you say about you and him not talking and you stewing on things until they build up. Its been the same for me and my b/f and we are now starting to work on it. We both bottle things up and when we finally do burst its normally over something non-related and then it all comes spilling out.

I wouldnt like to say if you husband is depressed but he certainly doesnt sound happy.

You say that when its all three of you together that things are fine - this may be because your child is, at that moment, the centre of both your attentions so you dont really need to concentrate on each other. If you are on your own (once the child has been put to bed) how are things then?

Myself and my boyfriend are going to Relate. I feel this will help us to communicate more effectively with one another and just communicate full stop! We are both making efforts now to do this but we still want to see a Relate counsellor to talk about things.

I think you need to sit down with your husband, tell him how you are feeling about the relationship and say you want things to change. You need to do things together as a couple sometimes - I dont think its fair if its always him going out and leaving you with your child.

Could you suggest going to Relate hun? It would give you both the chance to open up.

Neither of you seem happy but I guess it can be a scary step to try and ask for help, but its no slur on your marriage. It shows you want things to work and you want to be happy with each other again.

Hope that is of some help :hugs:

Jo xxxxx

[overtherainbow]

Hey Jo - thanks!

I can relate to everything you say and agree with your suggestions - it's just that sometimes I convince myself that it's all in my mind and that the way I am feeling is all my fault.

Anyway, I know that things have got to change, and that I can be the only one to change the way I feel. How this will happen in practice, I'm not quite sure yet.

Things sound positive for you and your b/f. I'm sorry to hear that you've had similar issues over not being able to talk. I really hope that things work out for you - it sounds like your hearts are really in it, which must be one of the first hurdles?

Thanks for your reply - I appreciate it :o)

Darcy

[sheba2]

Hi Darcy.

Your having a tough time and from what you say there is no one reason and no simple quick answer. I think sometimes when things get on top of yu it is hard to work out exactly what the problem is and talking things through with either a relate counsellor either on your own or with your husband has got to be a step in the right direction.

Having a child changes the balance in any relationship. It can be wonderful and you obviously all have some good times but it can also make us feel vulnerable and over stretched. The responsibility can feel enourmous. Add to that the financial overload that most young families face now with huge mortgages etc and it is little wonder that life begins to feel overbearing. It's not called the daily grind for nothing.

When you are struggling it is hard to feel romantic or even bothered about anyone else and if your husband is feeling tired and fed up it is possible that making the effort is very difficult. Similarly for you when you feel put upon and unloved then you begin to wonder if it worth the effort. You both need to work out what your priorities are. Do yu need to have the mortgage you have now could you down size or move back to rented accomadation. I know this may sound hard but I have a six year old and rather than work and earn really good money I would rather be at home and have less material things like holidays clothes and loads of other things. I sometimes think we expect to have it all. The fantastic job the great lifestyle and the wonderful loving family. I think for most people that is a struggle and something has to give. Its up to you and your husband to decide what you need and what you want and how you can achieve a balance in this.

I reallly hope yu manage to sort things out. Taking anti depressants is a short term solution in reducing your anxiety so that you can sort out your problems. While yu are on ad's the problems don't go away as you have found out. perhaps you could get your mum or someone to look after the little one for the night and you and your husband can have a good talk. Write down the things that are worrying each of yu. Make a list of things that yu need and want to change and any ideas on how to achieve this. Then try and get some help via relate.

Hope this helps I wish you well

[groovygranny]

Hello Darcy :hugs:

Really good advice so far :)

I'd just like to share with you a bit.

Me and dahling hubby celebrate 31 yrs married next week - and it aint all been a smooth road and sweet-smelling roses !!:blush:

There was a time when I had a suitcase permanently packed in the hallway! And on one ocassion I actually went 'back to mother' - for two days!

But, we are not the same people as when we married. Back then life was full of dreams, aspirations and thoughts of the future. Now those things are still there, but grounded in reality and honed by experience.

I can't even begin to write down what we've been through, but suffice to say it would resemble War and Peace - quite literally!

Just over 2 yrs ago I became very ill with anx, depression and panic (due to factors going back to childhood). He supported me unconditionally even though he has his own physical problems. In a peculiar sort of way, I could say that my illness sort of 'saved' our marriage because it 'illuminated' so many things.

And it was at this time that I discovered talking to each other, really talking no-holds-barred - and not talking at each other - was the way to go. I'd always felt as though he'd talked 'at' me and I'd inwardly rebelled against that. That in turn made him feel rejected and unimportant etc etc.

Anyway, to cut a long story short - we now make sure we make time to talk to each other - no matter if it's a few minutes or a few hours. With me working full-time and him medically retired the roles have been reversed. I was lucky enough that we were able to manage when our 3 girls were small, so I didn't have to go out to work. I see in the lives of our girls that that is such a rarity nowadays. The stresses and strains on a young family are incredible.

If your hubby is suffering as you are then the only way to find out is to talk to one another - really talk. Yes, write it down first.....and then read it back to one another.

My hubby and I went to Relate even before we were married - a very radical step back in the 70's lol! But I'm so glad we did as it gave us a focal point to refer to when things got tough.

I wish you all the luck in the world and hope my granny ramblings have helped just a little.

Big hugs for you :hugs: :hugs: :hugs:


:flowers:

[sarajane]

Not much more to add to all the great advise you have already been given.

But, regarding going off the meds, even though you did it slowly which is the correct way to come off meds, once your system is totally free of them all of your emotions do seem to become more intense. They will start settling down more everyday.

Plus having a child is the most life changing experience any of us ever go through.

One minute we have total control and freedom over our lives, then suddenly we become a cook, cleaner, baby sitter and sexual toy who must be available 24/7 to our child and our husband.

I've noticed when couples have their first child the new fathers don't seem to change or alter their pre-child life style very much at all.

FACT: Children are the full responsibility of both parents with the work load shared equally between the two.

I imagine your husband isn't enjoying living the way you both are now either. His grumpy attitude is probably his way of reacting to your emotions and feelings of hopelessness. He is feeling as hopeless as you because he doesn't know how to fix it. Trust me, men get very angry and p****d off when they can't fix something.

If you find it hard talking to your husband about how you are feeling, try putting a poster up in the dining room with your ideas and suggestions for house rules and your suggestions of what kind of support you need from him.

When your husband comments about them, it will create the opportunity for both of you to sit down calmly and discuss some that are agreeable to both of you.

Suggestions:
1: Hubby has night out - record the total hours he was out _________
1a: You now have this many hours owing you for time you want to go out.

2: How many hours per day is hubby at paid work.____hrs
2a: How many hours are you caring for your child - including hours you do house work include cooking and shopping.___________hrs

You won't have to be a brain surgeon to work out the hours caring for your child/home far out way the hours hubby works.

3: List jobs hubby can do so both of your work hours are more evenly distributed.

list suggestions of activities you enjoy doing together.
list activities you enjoy doing by yourself

Because I don't know the dynamics within your home, you will need to design your own survival plan for your family yourself.

Good luck

Remeber:-
If there's a will - there's always a way

Love
SJ



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[overtherainbow]

Hey everyone,

Thank you so much for your responses...it has really felt nice having you all take the time to reply when I've felt so isolated recently.

For once I've actually had a nice weekend, and things haven't felt too tense. We've had fun with our daughter and I even got a Mothers Day card and a big box of chocs (I don't know why, but when I'm vulnerable, I need displays of affection that these 'special days' offer. When I'm feeling happy and confident I couldn't care less.) Hubby has been in a good mood and there doesn't seem to have been a battle over who gets some rest - more co-operation than competition, for a change. But I guess all it has been is a short respite from all of our underlying problems...

You have all made really sensible, logical suggestions about how I go forward (which I really needed) and I'm going to ponder them all to see how I can go about bringing my feelings out into the open with hubby.
I think that marriage counselling would be a good idea, but hubby won't - he'll see it as intrusive, an excuse for me to have a go at him in a legitimised environment, and a sign of failure in our marriage...I'm guessing. Plus the fact that if he hates difficult/ sensitive discussions with me, he'll run a mile at the word 'Relate'!!

I think I need to just build up my confidence, pick a time when I'm feeling mainly OK (no good me trying to talk all this emotional stuff if I'm already on a downer...it invariably leads to a downward spiral and the threat of break up) and try my non-confrontational approach. Blimey, you know I've done enough training on conflict management and avoidance, you'd think I could manage a conversation with my own hubby...

Anyway, sorry this is short, but I needed to thank you all for your advice and let you know that I am thinking about all the tips you have suggested.

Groovy Granny? More like GORGEOUS Granny!! I just saw your profile pic and you look younger than me and I'm 35...hahahahaha. Life is so much better when lovely, altruistic people like you are around...Bless you!

Thanks again

Darcy