This morning

[feelfine]

This morning quite unexpectedly, I have some old familiar feelings. I have discomfort in my left arm and from time to time in my chest. I feel jittery and the adrenaline is pumping through me.

Im posting because I need to write, and I might as well share it.

I suffer from generalised anxiety, or at least thats what I think, and I do tend to worry about a lot of things that are important to me or have a chance of going wrong. People label me "a worrier". It feels like I have to be vigilant against the worst things happening and I find others cavalier or just outright reckless with their own lives. Mostly, I am preoccupied with the condition of my heart. I have had the tests and all is well, but its just so difficult to relax and trust the professionals when its something vitally important to you.
Like all of you brave and wonderful people, I do my best.

But Im so fed up of these sorts of sensations and all the worrying I do about them, I want to take action and fight to take my life back. I am tired of spending so much mental energy keeping my negative thoughts in check, scanning my body for physical sensations, and I am tired of it limiting my life.

Writing is one of the things thatworks for me. But I have to be honest with myself and really bring those deepest fears up from the depths and put them down on paper for it to work. Once out, I can look at them from different perspectives. As far as all this goes I have two main worries:

a) I am going to have a heart attack and die, or
b) I wont have a heart attack and die

If the worst does happen, it will be down to my lifestyle and perhaps something genetic. One thing for sure – I wont have a heart attack because I havn’t spent enough time and energy worrying enough to keep it at bay.
If the worst doesn’t happen, then I am sqandering the best years of my life! Will I be looking back on this time when I am 70 with real sorrow and regret that I didnt live my life whilst I was young??? Yes.

So I will keep looking for answers because nobody else can give them to me. I am responsible for how I feel and how I got here, and I am the only one who can make me feel better. I can choose to listen to others and accept what they say if it feels right, or not.

I confided in someone a while back about this, and they said “so what if you have a heart attack?”. It's true. So what if I get run over by a bus? I don’t worry about driving 35 miles down a motorway each moring? Why is that? Worry about it when it happens, if you even know about it. Keep yourself safe but learn the difference between this and worrying. And finally my favourite saying : the coward dies a thousand deaths, and the brave only one.
Take care All.

[Lilith1980]

Hi Feelfine

Yes you are the only one who can make you feel better ultimately, but that is not to say that you cant ask for some help to facilitate this process :shades:

Have you been to therapy to talk through your feelings? Have you considered CBT which will help alter your way of thinking and help you to stop agonising over things so much. Writing down your feelings is a good start but maybe you just need a little extra help with interpreting these feelings?

Worrying about having a heart attack will not stop it happening. And if you DID have one, then its already happening so you wouldnt have time to worry about it, if that makes sense.

If we lived our lives by "what ifs" all the time then we wouldnt do anything for fear of something bad going wrong.

I do need to take my own advice on this one so please dont think its just you! :winks:

Jo xxxxx

[Ma Larkin]

Hi Feelfine,

I was exactly like that for a long time, probably 3 years. I can now say that I am over the worst and my fears have alleviated almost completely, especially thinking constantly that I was going to have a heart attack. I can't really explain why I stopped thinking this, I think it was just the length of time I was feeling like that. After 3 years, I thought "bloody hell, if I was going to have a heart attack, it would have happened by now!" I still get palpitations and missed beats, especially when I am in bed at night and feeling all lonely and sorry for myself lol! I am also on meds (Clomipramine) which have helped greatly.

All I can say is hang in there and, hopefully, just like me, with time you will get over the feelings.

Good luck.

Les

[sheba2]

Hi feelfine. Did I write that or did you???? I have spent over thirty years expecting to die at any moment and I am really cross that I have wasted so much time and given up so many opportunities because of it. I find the whole process of 'fighting' back against it really hard. I don't want to be 'fighting' it stops me from enjoying and just letting things be. I found Bills post this morning on self doubt really enlightening and thought provoking.

I'm having a difficult day today too. A bit panicky, a bit depressed and just feeling low and lonely. Normally I would be trying to distract myself and doing breathing execises and all the other fighting things. Now I'm not saying we don't need these tools cos they are fantastic but today I am just letting myself feel yuk and accepting it for what it is just a down day that everyone gets from time to time. And you know what I feel quite peaceful about that which is a great step forward for me.

Hope things improve soon.