advice on my son

[basketball]

Hi everyone,
I'm new here and I've joined on the recommendation of a friend, I'm hoping that you'll be able to offer me some advice on ways of dealing with my son's anxiety.

He's 12 years old and 2 weeks ago he was sent home from school because he was sick. Since then he's been feeling nauseous most of the time but especially first thing in the morning and last thing at night, sometimes it is quite severe and he doesn't know what to do with himself. He is also holding his breath and I have to remind him to breath properly, he's pacing up and down, and says he's producing too much saliva which is also making him feel sick. His appetitie has been very poor and he feels bloated after a small amount of food. He also can't sleep and keeps getting up to brush his teeth to stop him from feeling sick.

We've had a good chat and fortunately he tells me everything. It seems that his anxiety is based on the fear of being ill at school again. It's happend twice since the original time and he is really panicking about it happening once more, so much so I think it's bringing on the nausea.

He's also said that whilst in class he feels like he's producing too much saliva and feels that the only way to combat it is to have a drink. However they are not allowed to drink in class so he has to sneak a sip whenever he can. The thought of sitting there and not being able to drink when he wants is also making him very stressed. Hopefully now I know this the school will agree to him having a drink whenever he needs one.

The school are aware that something isn't right and have said the signs all point to stress. They have said for him to stay at school when he feels sick and try to work through it, he has done this once and the feelings didn't go away. Unfortunatley this is his greatest fear, being sick at school and not being able to come home. He is normally very confident, happy and bubbly and we are all sure he isn't being bullied. He's very happy at school and has been really looking forward to a match he should have played in this week and he really wants to get back there. However it's proving very hard to get him to return and I don't want to put him in a situation which is causing him so much anxiety. Am I exasperating the situation by doing this?

Our practice nurse was most unhelpful and said that he should just carry on as normal and he'll more or less get over it. Unfortunately as time goes on I can see that he's getting more and more anxious about it and I don't think it's going to go away on its own.

Our doctor today prescribed Lansoprazole to reduce the acid in his stomach and prochlorperaxine for the sickness he feels and so that he has something at school with him to try and reassure him and break this cycle.

I would be really grateful for your thoughts on this and any tips on ways I can help to support him and get him back to school. I will be ringing the school tomorrow to talk about ways in which to help him so would really appreciate any input you can give.

Sorry this is such a long first post!

Many thanks,
Angie
p.s. sorry the title of this post should read 'advice' on my son not 'advise' on my son! Can't work out how to edit the title

[sarajane]

Hi Angie and welcome to NMP, you will get loads of help here, so you have come to the right place.

I live in Australia, and I can't believe that the kids in your schools aren't allowed their drinks in class. Can you find out how to change this rule, because everyone should have access to fluids when they did them.

I'd also write a letter (just so its on record) to the school saying that if for any reason your son feels the need to contact you during the day that he be allowed to do this. You should be the person who decides whether he comes home from school or stays.

Also are there school counselors at his school, if not it wouldn't hurt getting him in to see one.

I totally empathize with you about your son, whenever my kids are ill I'd rather cut my arm off than see them in pain.

Good luck with finding the right help for your son
Love
Sarajane

[Angel64]

Hi, I have recently had some problems with my son who is 11.

He started high school brilliantly even became a prefect but then it went downhill. He has always had episodes of saying he is ill (I am not for one minute saying my son is putting it on). He is a very sensitive boy and didnt cope well when me and his dad split up when he was 5.

Last week he complained of breathing problems he was having episodes that he became very aware of not being able to catch his breath and it really frightened him. He complained of being ill at school and they thought he was up to his old tricks, they have said he is an attention seeker.

After a visit to the doctors we were sent for a chest x-ray, we got the results 3 days later and everything was fine. The episodes have now almost stopped.

The way I deal with Harry is like this morning he woke up feeling very sick and had tummy ache, I didnt say much but just said see how you are in a few minutes, and left the room, 5 minutes later he was asking for his clothes and 30 minutes later was happily going out for the school bus. Then when he is feeling ok say in the evening I will just ask how he is feeling and usually he's fine and I congratulate him on going into school.

I suffer from anxiety and know that if I think about something or have a pain it gets worse so I try to distract. I use the same tactic with my Harry.

Another thing I did aswell was when school called I arranged to go in and sit with Harry for a while, most times he would agree he then felt ok and would carry on his day in school. Great idea for your son to be able to have water with him in class.

Hope this helps, good luck. Christine xx :flowers:

[PUGLETMUM]

:) hi angie, i am answering this right off without reading the others posts, because i have been through this myself and i want to try to help you if i can?

i came out of school at 14 for 6months and it was the worse thing i could have ever done. whatever is causing your sons stress is really irrelevent because new stresses and fears are everywhere - the key is to help your son to face his fears and go through them - which will take mmore than one day! his fear will be getting bigger and bigger so eveytime he faces it his anxiety/panic will rise. the good news is that i did go back to school willingly (i had had enough at home), but afew years later the anx/panic returned.

please do not help your son to become avoidant - because this is what leads to serious behavioural and phycological disorders. if he isnt physically ill it is vital that you assure him just how 'ill' anxiety can make somebody feel - some ppl cant get out of bed for a very long time becuse they feel that bad!!! but they are not 'ill' they have too much adrenaline for far too long and that is causing havoc with the body chemistry.

firstly he may be hyperventilating? he has to learn to breathe deeply into his lower lungs to stop the symptoms of hyperventilation which increase the cycle of anxiety/panic/fear.

exercise is crucial i feel as it helps to get rid of excess adrenaline, and helps to sort of regulate breathing etc it also helps us to sleep and to fel more relaxed.

healthy eating is also important, try to limit junk food - which btw even at 35 i love - crisps, biscuits, sweets take aways, and i know kids love it too, but try to get him to eat 5 portions of fruit or veg a day and also take a kids multi-vitamin.

i can understand how upsetting it is for you because i am a mum also an di have seen my daughter stressed and it breaks my heart, but it will make him stronger not weaker - the only way he will overcome it though is to directly face it, but by saying different things to him self - this is what a therapy called cognitive behavioural therapy which is the most effective therapy for agaoraphobia and simple phobias (which are difficult to treat). so he has to feel all the bad feelings but instead of tensing up and holding himself in a vice like grip all day he says that the way he is feeling is good because it means he is facing the fear and it is only a matter of time before the anxiety will go down - its like he has to re-programme his mind now to not fear being sick in school. he can initially use coping methods like the drinking or having a sick-bag and telling the school but eventually he has to face what would happen if he was sick - which in reality wiouldnt be that bad, but obviously these fears are irrational so to him it seems like a death sentence - he may have normal pre-teen worries about hios peers but the fears are becoming too strong, like he is overly concerned with how others would react, now that may not be a bad thing becasue he probably realise that kids are very very cruel, but that is their problem not his! although he probably wont see it like that until hes grown up - ive spent almost my whole life time concerned about what ppl will think of me and its a complete waste of time, because you make others more important than yourself.

okay well i hope this may have helped in some way, if you want to talk please ask or pm me? take care emma

[Horse]

Hi Angie.

When I read your post it was like reading my own biography.

I recall going through the exact same thing when I was about 10. I just didn't want to go to school. So much so that my mother used to have to take me into the playground and sometimes even into the school itself....which was somewhat embarressing. The worse thing was getting ready to go to school, which started to get me quite anxious. It would appear that I was suffering from maybe a form of insecurity and / or school phobia. In those days (60s) of course it was just classed as being 'a bit silly'. However, I didn't know what the cause was then, I just used to cry alot...more embarresment!

I also remember that occasionally, someone in class would be ill and be sick and therefore that memory would stick in my mind. Hence the 'seed' had been sown. OK, yes I did suffer from insecurity and yes I did have a school phobia but I also begun to associate school as a place of illness. I am only able to realise this now after years of reading about childhood psychology and school phobias. Hence the reason why everyday before I went to school, I felt sick.

I cannot remember how long this continued, but I can remember leaving junior school and going to senior school and being OK untill my father died suddenly when I was 13. Needless to say, my insecurity returned tenfold. So much so that I had to have home tuition (which was bliss as far as I was concerned) until I left school for good aged 16.

Now, I am not suggesting that your son is suffering from any of the things I did, but there obviously is something bothering him deep down. It is good that he tells you everything, that is a great comfort to him and of course you. I can only suggest you understand as much as you can from him. Never, ever lose your patience or temper if he doesn't want to go to school (although I'm not saying you do) but try and give him lots of encouragement and sympathy (unfortunatelly, I was shouted at and chatised, which done more harm that good).

There is a very good reason why he is the way he is. Anxiety doesn't just affect adults of course. Obviously, diet etc., has been mentioned here by other members and therefore I won't go into that. Just be as supportive as you can.

If you need to mail me personally then please do. I will try and help all I can.

May God bless you both.

Take care.

Kevin.

[basketball]

Thank you so much for your replies and suggestions.
Firstly it's helped me to know there's support here and such valuable advice.
And secondly I'm hoping your suggestions and insights will be of help to my son, I'm sure they will be.
It's been a big help and I'm really glad I found this forum.
Take care everyone,
Angie

[Tom_M]

Hi Angie

I have a 12 year old daughter who as just started experiencing panic attacks and is just like your son. It's not easy communicating with children of this age, about anxiety, and how they have to learn to deal with it, but the main thing you have to do is to try and make them aware that it is very common so they don't feel any different from other kids. You also have to try and get over to them that no harm will come to them due to the anxiety, and that it can be overcome once they learn how to modify their thinking and learn how to relax their bodies. I've been through all this before with my son. He's 21 now, and apart from the odd depression (which I guess is normal), he's got over all the anxiety, OCD which he had.

Best of luck,
Tom

[chalky]

Hi Angie,

Welcome to the Forum!!

:hugs: :yesyes: :hugs: :yesyes:
You will get loads of support and advice here.
You really do seem to be doing everything to help your son.
Make sure you focus on doing things with him which he enjoys and help take his mind off this.
This will also help him see that you are not panicked about his situation-that you are in control,things are being taken care of and he will get better.
Best wishes,
Chalky

[sheba2]

Hi angie. sorry to hear about your son's probs. My son suffered the same thing at that age and I agree with everything that emma said but it didn't work for mine. As he grew I was physically unable to get him to stay at school or even go. He had dreadful panics. We saw loads of people and though the school tried they didn't really care. his was quite a large school 1600 or so and he was the only person there who suffered. i spent four years trying so many things and then in the end they offered him an alternative education that was being trialed by the youth service. he was 'kept occupied' for the last year of school doing this. Looking back I wish that I had taken him out of school the constant daily stress and 'trying' made him much worse and he lost all of his education. I know this sounds gloomy but it was an awful 4 years and such a waste of his time. Since leaving school he has continued to suffer from anxiety but has learnt to deal with most things. He started going to college when he was 18 after a year or so off from the pressures. He did simple courses at first in gardening. Then he tried other trades but didn't like them. He is just finishing his final year as an electrician and is doing really well. He still has problems but he is managing his anxiety. I hope that your son improves but keep all your options open. good luck