Hate looking in a mirror.

[redrose]

Hi all.

I don't often post but i need to get something off my chest.

When i was a child i was treated terrible by my mother who really hated me,:weep:don't ask why i have no idea.
I was punished for the slightesed thing,when i say punished i mean i was locked for hours in my room,:weep:made to stand in a corner for hours on end,:weep:had the back of my legs slapped with a wet cloth,sent to the shop and was timed to see how long it took me to get there and back,made to do the housework,dragged across the street by my hair and as she was hurting me i would cry,then because i was crying she would give me a slap and say i will give you something to cry about if i don't shut up.:weep: and so the list goes on.
One day i had enough of this and i called her a name,i ran up the stairs as i was so scared:scared10:she came after me with a knife and pushed me over a cupboard backwards and threatened to stab me. Well by then she had hurt my back, and i was in so much pain i just cried and cried and cried.Then i was locked in my room for hours.
My dad who sadly is no longer with us was terrified of her also,and was scared to do anything about it.
She also treated him like S**T.

Anyway i am 56 now and all these things have been haunting me ever since.
My nightmare is that everytime i look in a mirror ,and become older its as if i am looking more like her everyday,and she is looking right back at me if that makes any sense.:unsure: and that scares me so much.:scared10:
How can i get over this nightmare which is haunting me everyday?

Sorry for the long rant but i needed to get this off my chest.

[hopeful]

Hi Redrose,
First of all, I'm sorry and sad that you were treated this way by your own mother.
Next,you need to move on from all this,it wasn't your fault,you were just a child.A good way is to write a letter to your mum saying exactly what you want to,how she made you feel and how she hurt you.Really pour out everything you want to say and finish by saying you're not going to let this spoil the rest of your life. Then you tear up,burn or throw away the letter.
I did this in a letter to my mum last year(she committed suicide when I was 19,I'm now 52) and even though I cried and cried while I was writing it,it helped me to get everything out.
By the way,we all resemble our parents in looks but that does'nt mean we act like them.I'm sure you'd never treat your own children the way you were treated. So next time you look in the mirror remind yourself that you are a good person.:hugs:
julie x :hugs:

[Hope 2]

Hi redrose :D

First of all I wanna say well done you for having the guts to post yr experience . I have major 'mother' issues that I still am angry over but can't find the courage to deal with yet . So pat on the back hun for getting it off yr chest .
I know I should take my own advice :blush: lol , but I think that the best way forward is to keep reaching out for the support of others like u just have cos lots of folk will relate to you I am sure . Make this 'rant' as u called it , yr first step to resolving these really traumatic memories . They do haunt you and can seem like they never will go , but they will with work on our part eh :winks: .

Have you had any help with dealing with the probs the past causes u ?

Take care , bye for now
give me a shout anytime
Hope xx

[Lilith1980]

Hi Redrose

I'm so sorry to hear about the way your Mother treated you hun :hugs:

You may bear resemblence to your Mother in the physical sense, but not deep inside yourself hun, not in your heart. You have experienced the pain that such treatment brings and you know you are not going to inflict that on anybody.

Have you ever spoken to a counsellor about your childhood hun?

Jo xxxxx

[groovygranny]

Hello redrose :hugs: :hugs: :hugs:


Please don't ever, ever apologise for wanting to get something off your chest - that's what we're all here for.

I understand totally how you feel when you look in the mirrir - I have purposefully gone out of my way to make sure I don't look like my mum because of my 'mother issues' as Hope 2 so apdtly describes it(I feel very guilty typing this).

But I have also decided that when I look in the mirror, although I may see a family resemblance that is where it ends. I am not my mother. I am me. I am proud of me and I like me. You have no idea how long it has taken me to say that and yet still I feel a little 'vain and self-indulgent' by saying it.

But you must say it to yourself love - you are not your mother, you are you. Be proud that you will never ever behave like your mum did and look at yourself and say 'yep, I like what I see because I'm me'......it'll be very difficult at first but the more you say and do it the more you will believe it. I guarantee it.

I too would hope that you'd also seek help elsewhere with this - I had counselling through my GP's surgery and it was first class. It won't make all the memories and feelings go away, but it'll help you establish your self-worth and enable you to cope when the memories try and disrupt your life.

And we're all here for you too, so take care:flowers:


:hugs: :hugs: :hugs:

[sheba2]

Hi redrose.

oooh that was a tough childhood you had and it is perfectly understandable why you are still having problems with it. The advice above sounds great but one other thing I thought of is this. You say you have no idea why she hated you and obviously the problem was hers and not because of you. But did she have her own serious issues that she was unable to get help for and sadly took out her feelings of anger etc on you. Nobody will ever condone what she did and maybe you will never be able to forgive her but it may help you if yu can understand what was going on in her life/mind. This could be looked at through counselling. By the way is she still alive and do yu have any contact with her or members of her family.

[AceR1mmer]

Looking like your parents is always a given, but looking like her does'nt mean you ARE her, the fact that ur scared of being her shows you are NOT her.
so dont worry.

[redrose]

Thanks for all the kind words.:hugs:

I know i am not her,and pray to god i will never end up like her. I have never treated my children nor my grandchildren the way she treated me.
I am having counselling at the moment,but i find it very painful and distressing to talk to her about it.
People have told me to try to forgive and forget for what she has done to me,but i find it very hard to do either of them,i feel i have been scarred for life.

sheba2.I have not had any contact with her since my dad sadly passed away,which is almost 10 years ago.
When i see other mums who are so close to their children i keep saying i wish i had a mum like yours.

Why was she so cruel to me?:weep: what did i do as a child to deserve all that punishment.

Liz.xxxxx

:weep::weep::weep:

[fairyloveheart]

It was nothing "you" did, "you" didn't deserve to be treated like that, noone does. I am really sorry about what happened to you in the past, but you sound very strong and determined. You are not like her, you never will be. You can't blame yourself for the way she treated you, Rise above it my friend and stand strong.

I hope things get better for you and the counselling will help. I think the idea of writing it all down in a letter sounds a good one.... xxx

[Bill]

We often look for fault within ourselves when the fault lies with the person who mistreated us. Only your mother will know her reasons why she treated you so badly but it's important that you don't allow her behaviour towards you to ruin the rest of your life.

Often we cannot forgive or forget because the mistreatment is unforgivable but we can learn to come to terms with it, put it away in a box as dealt with and prevent it from destroying our lives.

It's important you release it all, however much it hurts because only then will you heal inside. You only need go through the process "once" before putting the lid on the box and filing it away.

Your mother destroyed your childhood...don't allow her to also destroy your adulthood because you DON'T deserve that as well!:hugs:

[sarajane]

Ditto to all the great advise and support you have had so far.

I also had a childhood not much different to yours.

I am now 48 (just) and it has only been the last two years that I have said 'NO' to my mother when she announced that she was coming to stay 'AGAIN' for a couple of weeks. Even after all the abuse my sibblings and I recieved from our mother and our Father, I could still not stand up to her. The only way I actually managed to say 'NO' to her when she was planning her next trip to my place was I told her there wasn't a spare bed anymore. I know it was the coward way, but I was not strong enough to just say 'NO'. I actually sold any spare beds I had so I wouldn't have to lie to her.

Hopefully next time she wishes to stay I will be strong enough to tell her why I don't have a spare bed for her any more.

NMP is the best thing that's happened to me in a long time. The support and understanding you recieve here will only make you stronger.

When ever she stayed I would notice all the mannerisms of hers that I also have, it would drive me insane. Plus I am also starting to look more like her every passing year, but thats as far as the similarities go.

Through many years of counseling etc, I have learned that as long as I bring my girls up in the direct opposite of the way I was brought up, I am doing a pretty good job.

Sadly we can't change our genetics, but as long as we stop the abuse cycle we've won.

Love SJ


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[redrose]

Thanks for all the support.

I have taken onboard what you have said,and yes you are right,i am not my mother and i will not be like her.

I am me :)